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Slush texted tonight at 11. 1. It didn't offend me, but it probably should have. 2. Intimacy avoidance patterns or not? Gotta watch out for myself to check my behavior.

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Slush texted tonight at 11. 1. It didn't offend me, but it probably should have. 2. Intimacy avoidance patterns or not? Gotta watch out for myself to check my behavior.

 

Oh: to clarify. His text itself was innocuous. How is your weekend? or similar. Its just... at 11 on a Saturday night? I presume he wanted company to curl up and watch netflix together. I don't know because I didn't draw an invitation. I am unwilling to close that channel completely. Am perfectly happy to avoid contact, but not to block it 100%.

 

Was reading somewhere about our compulsion to be understood by the "other", and it made me think of my willingness to keep him floating about as if he might one day be an option. He is definitely "other". This will resolve itself in time.

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For all you know he wrote it at a different time and sent it by accident. I wouldn't read in. It's a text. I hope it resolves itself in your own mind.

 

Nope, he wrote it at that time. There was a follow on text.

 

Not that important in any event. Just an adult finding his way like the rest of us.

 

Its me I find interesting- sort of hovering out of reach with no intention to get closer, an observer.

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With the bf... a transition has occurred. In me. The shift from This is exciting! to Real Life. With it, a need from me - which I have had all along - to see a more serious commitment to productivity. Much in reaction to my own situation. He is hanging tough, focused on goals though I didn't ask him to change.

 

Rushed this post due to a family matter...

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...

 

My life of late is overflowing with external stressors. My goal is to minimize the degree to which I require everyone else around me to carry the same load. Including bf.

 

At the same time, we have talked about shared goals but I didn't see initiative from him to advance them and I am simply too spent to do so. Also, I initiated the energy so need him to do the things he said he would - not because he said so, but because I want to feel his forward momentum.

 

I expressed my own anxiety at my own slow pace. Said nothing of him. He stepped up with a few actions. No words.

 

Its a good thing. I hope I have chosen well enough to make this stick. I admit my immediate energy was so certain that only now I remember how this works. And yes, I miss the maturity of someone older. And I welcome the youthfulness of someone younger. I think I just need to be happy in myself and to relax and let it find its way. So I am.

Edited by IAmFCA
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For the first time today, i went to work and felt like I had time to do my job, without preoccupation with death' aftermath and/or my dependents. Oh it felt gooood.

 

Bf initiated The Talk, as in, what is up with you? Which was well done and good on him for initiating. I wouldn't have, couldn't have. At least, not with my limited skill set.

 

Slush texted to see about lunch. I didn't draw the invite; he went silent after. Meh.

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Well. Tonight I actually appreciated my bf for who he is, and it felt good to do so. I agreed to help a stranger, looped him into it, and he was not only glad I did but furthered our efforts with his own offerings.

 

Also he was calmer, more in his natural skin, without the defensiveness of recent days.

 

I have questions and uncertainties and I am grateful to have seen him in this way. It feels good to see the good.

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Random thought on little rest:

 

a deeply intimate connection is subject to twice as many externalities, and therefore warrants twice as much leniency?

 

in my head: "Discuss. I expect students to turn in their essays by 5pm sharp." lol

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I knew it but i didnt believe myselg.

 

Slush. Seems to want the whole enchilada.

 

All over text. I haven't stopped thinking about him, making me vulnerable to his expression of interest. I want a best friend i said. Yes, all in the same package he said. Offered me a whole day of catering to me and taking long walks together.

 

So. I am thrown. And remembering how do we resolve conflict. How much does he invest to retain me once he has me?

 

I am letting m brain rest and my answer will show itself

 

Asleep!

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Ok. So, am now awake and finishing another day. Talked to bf this morning. I didn't think I would but I can't keep anything from him. He is too much of a friend.

 

It is not easy. In essence, my thoughts are this: 1) My reinvestment in Slush would be on the basis that it would be different, that he would be different. I believe he would. But for how long? 2) His terms are offered. Is he capable of meeting someone else's terms? Yes, I know he is. I have seen it. When I had leverage. Once he has me, what is my leverage? 3) Conflict resolution. It is all about a game of chicken. Leverage.

 

To be honest, I believe he is genuine. I believe he went out to see what he wanted. Found it. Found he didn't want it. Realized he wanted me. But now what. In the time that happened, I found someone else. Someone who makes me happy, makes my life easier, who is my friend through and through. I haven't ever stopped thinking about Slush. That doesn't mean he is right for me.

 

I have been thinking of the Slush that I know exists underneath. It is challenging, to want something. To have a hint that something exists, to want it, to move on after years of exploration, and then decline it when offered. It is haunting me, to decline something i never had.

 

To give him a day. To give him myself even for a day... how can I do that? How can I do that, ethically? Emotionally? I can't.

 

At the same time, I have of late been less tolerant of my bf. I have been wishing he would gain more gravitas. He has it. He also has the capacity to think about other people's motivations, play mental chess about who and why people behave. lol I guess that is why we are here on eNA but I mean it differently. More, as a game of chess, of personal gamesmanship. There is something about ego, it feels like to me, something of a youngun wanting to prove himself. This is me, nit picking.

 

Also. Someone else in our industry heard of my choice and was disappointed. That bothers me, like a little grain of sand, a piece of information that makes me wonder what I see and what I don't. Makes me wonder about my own judgment. Not a big influence, but a piece of data without a pattern -- except for that power positioning mentioned above. And so the behavior now stands out to me.

 

So. If it weren't that I have been insecure in my own thinking, of late, i may not have been so open to this rambling thought pattern.

 

---

 

We date. We pledge exclusivity. But we aren't married, and our options don't always line up ordinarily. How do people make choices as opportunities arise. Argh. I don't know what I need.

 

--

 

Let's play out the alternative. I spend a day with Slush. I love it of course. I always did. What then? What does it tell me? Do I need to try it with him?

 

--

 

It's like this: I know it would be as I need it to be. If I tell him what I need, Slush will deliver. Let's make that assumption. Now what?

 

I just can't. That is how it is. I just can't. Maybe, I don't know. Maybe someday I will feel single and he will continue to evolve. I don't know. I just, can't. How do I reward him with a swoon.

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"How do people make choices as opportunities arise."

 

When you are truly committed, whether married or not, you don't see them as opportunities, first, and second, even if you are tempted or see it fleetingly that way "what if", your choice is easy because you're happy with your person. Part of exclusivity and being committed is making the choice that no matter what opportunities arise -because they always could, technically, you believe to the core of your being that it won't shake your core belief that you are with your one. And the strength of that belief makes what would have looked like an opportunity pre-commitment either just a neutral event or one of those "wow Billy Joel still has it going on after all these years -it's like he's singing Just the Way You Are" to me - wish i had backstage passes, sigh......." ;-) and then you smile a bit, get a little giddy and go home and kiss your chip-crunching tone deaf honey. (Mine is musical, we are both chip-crunching and I am pretty much a tone deaf Billy Joel lover).

 

I think if you want to spend your day with Slush you should do it. After you end things with your boyfriend.

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And. Learning moment that has been true for a few weeks.

 

Yes, we moved too fast. Yes, we already have loved each other. We have always related to one another, supported each other, trusted each other, forgiven each other. Always we have. Yes, we felt comfortable and without doubt. Even so. Slowly would have been better. To trust that our steps moving forward are the right ones.

 

So here I am, in the position with which I am least comfortable. Making choices. Last time this happened, I wanted my ex but declined him. I married my current. It was almost an act of will. It was the wrong decision. What did I learn?

 

To listen to my voice. I did that just now. I wanted Slush. This is a problem.

 

So... I have been rambling. It hasn't helped me. Am going to meditate tonight. See what bubbles up. Obviously, I need to step back and evaluate my choices, and consider the best path forward.

 

I feel like I want to date my bf. To go backwards, except there is no backwards, to have him as mine without the weight of choice. I think then I would choose him.

 

Oy.ttyl ena. Don't hate. I know my answer from your perspective. I wish it felt as clearly as it seems it should. Slush is so much like my father; it is a struggle to walk away from that kind of deep devotion and yet it was also a model of love that I thought I didn't want. Very difficult to walk away from my familial model, validation, comfort.

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"How do people make choices as opportunities arise."

 

When you are truly committed, whether married or not, you don't see them as opportunities, first, and second, even if you are tempted or see it fleetingly that way "what if", your choice is easy because you're happy with your person. Part of exclusivity and being committed is making the choice that no matter what opportunities arise -because they always could, technically, you believe to the core of your being that it won't shake your core belief that you are with your one. And the strength of that belief makes what would have looked like an opportunity pre-commitment either just a neutral event or one of those "wow Billy Joel still has it going on after all these years -it's like he's singing Just the Way You Are" to me - wish i had backstage passes, sigh......." ;-) and then you smile a bit, get a little giddy and go home and kiss your chip-crunching tone deaf honey. (Mine is musical, we are both chip-crunching and I am pretty much a tone deaf Billy Joel lover).

 

I think if you want to spend your day with Slush you should do it. After you end things with your boyfriend.

 

Exactly right. B.

 

Breaking up with my bf feels... wrong, shortsighted, unpopular, and rash. Like a choice I would regret. I was with someone yesterday whom I would date... but didn't feel any desire to be available. The idea of Slush is my only challenging idea -- and possibly only because bf meets my needs so I am leveraging bf's support outside of the relationship (by even wondering about Slush). Wrong? Sure it is wrong. But why does it happen? I can change my thinking, but as you know, I am hell bent on changing it from its source. I don't know the source.

 

All along Slush would signal to me "If I were with my partner, I would tell her everything, see her always." Well, okay. Now is my chance to see what that is about. I have to tell him No. Or, bad timing. Or... When I imagine what I tell him, that is wat trips me into this whole thought pattern again. Because I don't want to say No and Never. I want to say, I need time.

 

Maybe I just choose. I just choose and be done with it.

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That is the crux of it. I want to say, I need time, or timing is off, or some such.

 

 

Nothing feels right because the timing needs to be my own timing not someone else's. So. Bf will know I need my timing. Slush will know I need my timing. Let the chips fall where they may.

 

Working with that idea, for now.

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OK. I think forcing yourself to simplify this and get to basics both in your head and how you express it will help you make a choice. You wrote "we already have loved each other. We have always related to one another, supported each other, trusted each other, forgiven each other. Always we have. Yes, we felt comfortable and without doubt. Even so. Slowly would have been better. To trust that our steps moving forward are the right ones." Sure ok but when it comes to a romantic relationship with him that is not true because for the last few years you've spent much of your time pursuing a potential relationship with slush and been occupied by your own feelings for Slush, not this guy. Sure loving each other outside of a romantic relationship means a lot but has little relevance to your compatibility for an exclusive romantic relationship. Which is what he wants with you. (meaning your boyfriend).

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OK. I think forcing yourself to simplify this and get to basics both in your head and how you express it will help you make a choice. You wrote "we already have loved each other. We have always related to one another, supported each other, trusted each other, forgiven each other. Always we have. Yes, we felt comfortable and without doubt. Even so. Slowly would have been better. To trust that our steps moving forward are the right ones." Sure ok but when it comes to a romantic relationship with him that is not true because for the last few years you've spent much of your time pursuing a potential relationship with slush and been occupied by your own feelings for Slush, not this guy. Sure loving each other outside of a romantic relationship means a lot but has little relevance to your compatibility for an exclusive romantic relationship. Which is what he wants with you. (meaning your boyfriend).

 

Yrue.

 

I was thinking of my bf when i wrote that. I apologize for my indulgent and unclear authorship.

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The idea of making decisions on my own timeline restored my sense of personal power.

 

I am mindful of how we managed conflict. With each other, about each other, it was easy. Otherwise, difficult to find a comfortable way to disagree. His terms, his timing. Rigid about that, even though he knows that he gets in his own way. Offers as much as required.

 

I could make it work. I am stronger now and more aware of my needs. I would simply have to be direct about what I need.

 

But I don't want to. Bottom line. What I have is working. I am not going to screw that up.

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Yrue.

 

I was thinking of my bf when i wrote that. I apologize for my indulgent and unclear authorship.

 

No apologies needed. I meant to simplify it for yourself and not allow yourself to inject complexities into the choice you believe you have here. Looks like you've chosen to stay with your boyfriend!

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Yes - in a comparison of two struggles, it is easier to choose to keep what I have; harder to let slush go.

 

Admittedly, i have come to think of it in less stark terms. Today, I make this choice. That has implications for tomorrow and the next day, but feels different than what I initially was trying to do: see into the future and work backwards. That was a struggle.

 

Tried drafting a short text to slush last night and found myself too generous; redrafting later to make it simply that timing doesn't work for me. Still feels a bit abrupt; getting there.

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Having a great several days with the bf. The things i do that annoy him would annoy slush even worse. The things he does that annoy me will fade.

 

Truncated post.

 

Had some good conversations, unending time together, and it is easy. Do I have concerns? Sure. As I should; I am responsible for my choices. But it is ubcannily easy and mentally engaging. All good here.

 

Never did reply to slush. Didn't know what to say. I am coming with - I just can't - I don't know what I will do with that open thread.

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I declined slush today, and glad how i handled it.

 

Bf exploring some dynamics on his own and with assistance and that work directly relates to some observations i have.

 

Watching dynamics around me, it is interesting how we choose one another. I am not sure what I think about it. Something askew, it seems to me, but maybe its just right - as it most assuredly is.

 

Anyhow. All good here. It is nice to have someone committed to me. It is nice to have someone in the friend zone who is also in the LTR zone. Its nice to think about things to give him, to know I can do something nice months from now.

 

So, this is still a good situ ...

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I am here to ramble these days, jet lag and some general anxiety conspire to make me want to run my mouth.

 

I gave my eldest some advice. It reflected lessons absorbed in my bf's company. The advice was applied, it was effective, and I was thanked for it. This eldest, who was threatened by my bf at first, now has invited him to be part of a rite of passage that is coming up soon. Bf insists on paying his way so that he is not my guest, but rather, part of the team. I am, in some ways, the last one to the party, which is my intent. I watch, i let people tell me how they want it to be, i let them in as appropriate. I follow my kids, i lead from behind.

 

I am fascinated by my life. Things are happening, big things. I am making a significant investment. I am sending one child - now a young adult - off to college. I am investing myself and others in a relationship, and i rarely do that anymore. Yet i feel as if i am standing still. The seeds I planted have grown, and it is up to me to seize the opportunities to harvest. So many opportunities i am anxious about it. Where is my checklist, my chalkboard, my palm pilot? (Nothing has been as good as that, somehow.)

 

I feel much older than ever before. I don't like it. I do like the sense that certain things are done, my time remaining is MY time, time to see my vision, my impact, my leadership take hold. Look at these stunning kind impressive people i made! Are they not astounding in their 360 degree beauty? They glow from the inside out. I have learned to pretend they are like all others but they aren't. They make my jaw drop in awe and sometimes, i let them know how astounded i am at their wonderfulness.

 

If i can help shape them into who they have become, i need only to love the next thing i do and whole rainforests will grow from teeny seedlings.

 

I have always loved my bf as a human but as my bf, not yet. It takes so much time to feel that love, it happens well before I am aware of it. I think things I have no business thinking. I think sometimes about slush, will he ever see what my presence in his life has been trying to show him? I don't know what it is exactly but it feels something like love, like, what it means to love, in its most basic and neighborly and human form. To love as a daily habit. I sense that is my purpose, not for me to teach but for him to observe and reflect. It is a confusing and arrogant idea, and one that makes me wonder what lessons he is evaluating these days.

 

Falling a sleep!. G night good people of ena:)

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