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Oh I mean your communicating with Slush.

 

Ohhh ha.

 

I don't think it does. However, I might not know.

 

It has in the past, within my own imagination. I have talked about that with the bf. The counter to the distraction has been total transparency- not an approach I would recommend generally speaking. He also had someone whom he had let go of her who was still on his mind. I too felt better when we had thorough discussions.

 

Re Slush, at most I have this fantasy that his exGF of 1Q2018 resulted in him learning something about values and relationships, about who he wants. That as he has been learning he has also been evolving into a better potential partner. That if we dated now we would both approach it from a better place. And.... then I play that out, and we don't belong together.

 

So yes - that's more brain space than warranted. Fortunately, it is something I pulled out to write here and not something I otherwise think about. If I forget that I don't want him, I have that logic pattern available as a reminder.

 

Haven't had to do that in some time.

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Weekend:

 

- Met fabulous strangers we hope to make friends.

- Felt a broad range of emotions.

- Got outdoors.

- Struggles with the bf. So much going on there. Resolved. Deeper still. I guess we are challenged by new layers coming off. Too sleepy rn to say that but something good seems to come from struggle.

 

Hardly can stay awake now.

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Found more fears

 

Fears that he will not be ready, that its talk and intention and desire but the last five yards -- no execution, no preparation, fear on his part

Fears that he will not understand and then will not want the anchor (despite its joys; I don't ever call it such) of family life / budget / obligation

Fears that money is an issue, of some kind, for some reason unknown

 

I communicated them. Which is remarkable. I do not communicate these things. They exist in my dark underbelly, I do not live with fearful thoughts at my surface. I know why I have developed them; I am not crazy, but also, I have not given him many opportunities to show otherwise, nor has he taken some that I offered. The regular meetings, the mutual mentorship, the shared vision and tactical plan... yeah romantic i know lol. That was my way of implementing shared path forward. Now that he understands more of why those things matter, he wants to implement.

 

So - once communicated and understood, he is now all about it. But -- as we know -- its the long haul that counts. Consequently, I remain open and kind - moreso, perhaps. Yet still I find some reserve. I am in this 8, 9, 10 months. I want to know: can you do this? Can you have a limited schedule and limited budget and some serious heavy lifting on your shoulders, in the future, knowing it might not even work out? Can you?

 

I have some deeper feeling rumbling, like instinct expressed as indigestion? Something. Maybe that is the right analogy. Maybe I need to digest this new phase, see how it feels, see if it helps create a deeper foundation.

 

Right now, it feels rooted in substance, but frivolous in expression. I am frustrated. Life is about more than vacation.

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As I got deeper into my current relationship, I had moments of paralyzing fear. Feelings of relationship doom. Especially during the first two years. It happened out of the blue sometimes. It went away, though.

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As I got deeper into my current relationship, I had moments of paralyzing fear. Feelings of relationship doom. Especially during the first two years. It happened out of the blue sometimes. It went away, though.

 

Yes! Thank you.

 

Also I feel like Show me! Show me we can do tedious stuff, hard things. Poor thing he was pretty shook up but he is keeping forward momentum. Wanting to be present for me.

 

I am watchful of a pattern of who I choose and right now, I am concerned that i am choosing someone who wants what I've got but would buckle under its weight if responsible for it. That was my marriage. I am fearful of doing that again and if I am fearful, I probably am.

 

Bf is in a state of transition, generally. I am seeing someone who is still in a post-divorce evolution rather than someone who has been single for 5+ years as I have. He is pivoting to show me he can carry a heavier load, because he wants to, he wants to carry it.

 

Meanwhile I am trying to be as available as I can, and as present. We share a history of avoidance expressed in different ways. He says I am further along in leaving that behind. It's true but still an effort I have to make. Things I avoid I am trying to confront.

 

He has a few things he has been avoiding.

 

One of the things he is avoiding- The Thing - is a childhood trauma about which he lied to his parents to protect a relative. It's become top of mind because of current events, and I think sorting it (again) is key to unlocking his power. But how he confronts his feelings - it's not my decision to make.

 

I needed to let him go a bit; I feel better now. I was ahead of myself.

Edited by IAmFCA
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Is he someone who you are compatible with and who steps up to the plate -or has the potential to - in your opinion? And do you love him enough so that texts from Slush won't do more than turn your head a couple of degrees for a couple of seconds?

I certainly get being fearful of commitment especially at this kind of turning point.

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Is he someone who you are compatible with and who steps up to the plate -or has the potential to - in your opinion? And do you love him enough so that texts from Slush won't do more than turn your head a couple of degrees for a couple of seconds?

I certainly get being fearful of commitment especially at this kind of turning point.

 

Yes.

 

And yes, being careful about going forward is logical. Thank you.

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A few quick bullet points

 

- lately not able to text with fwb. Feels more like an ex and always like a friend but with the ex layer. Love does that. For now, I've ghosted. Figuring out how to write something.

 

- A couple of other harmless texts from ex dates incl an invite to a party with my bf.

 

- just don't care enough. Want to show up for ppl. But i don't want to enough to do it.

 

Bf has that fundamental I'm not good enough thing. It seems to be workable anyway. Hope so. We use skills and commitment to get past the inevitable moments of crazy.

 

Interesting what faith and dedication can do.

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He hears my words as judgments or corrections; he talks about it; he listens and processes an alternative perspective -- that last step being the "money" move. He recently said, ... "So when you say that, you're trying to ADD to the conversation, because that's an area where you can add a lot of value"... I heard that and "Yes!"

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Slush again; drinks suggested; I declined. He followed up an hour or two later with some texts asking about my business. My replies to him were spare but also honest. I was glad to see me putting me out there and interested, too: my voice changed to one of trust.

 

If there is supposed to be something between us I don't see it. I don't trust him - of course - as a romantic partner. But glad to have him engage me where I am comfortable taking his guidance.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Checking in to say its all good here, in a positive place. Taking more room to do my thing.

 

Planning is the usual challenge; for example, I don't know his intentions for T Day weekend and I've plans now on 4 out of 5 days. Just gonna keep going. We talk about it, and that is enough for me right now.

 

That best behavior of early days has eased off, and I do wish for some of it to return. So I ask, and he delivers. He appreciates what I do and doesn't criticize; we keep after it, like two people working on sculpture.

 

Is it everything? Nope. It's human. Still seems good to me.

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Glad you find it all good! And I'm delighted you planned your T-day/T-day weekend - your actions will show him that if he doesn't step up he doesn't get included/get the privilege of seeing you. "His intentions" - you do know his intentions. Right now his intentions are not to make specific plans with you. Doesn't matter why unless there's something you did to offend him, which you know you didn't.

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I came here to write and discovered that i had stronger feelings than i had recognized. Deleted what i had written and talked to the bf instead.

 

His (conscious) intentions are clear but his ability to execute is not. He owned it: fear of breaking up over the holidays; general depression around the holidays. He acted ( by not acting) in a way that his subconscious thinks would protect him from emotional harm. No matter; his issue. I requested he identify what he can do vis a vis a relationship; we both need to be intentional about getting through things or else let's stop this so we don't run into walls over and over.

 

I am prepared to continue with my life; there is no breaking up on my mind; rather, just doing other things. I as am repeating a pattern, obviously; my job is to learn how to communicate, change incrementally, and manage my boundaries.

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So of course now I get a message (no phone while in the office today) that he would like to see me and spend time with me this week and over the holiday weekend. I replied that it hadn't occurred to me otherwise but confirmation was always nice. Frankly, I couldn't think of anything else to say. He asked about tonight; I declined and didn't offer an alternative. I didn't feel like it.

 

I am in a place where I don't want to invest further, which is rather shocking and which feels like a temporary place.

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LOL....i could tell you were just reacting out of hurt. I thought....her feelings will change when her nose isn't out of joint!!!!! hahahaha...then your next post said you were softening.

 

I'm glad. I like to come here and read about Happy, lovey-dovey relationships. Ok. Your posts aren't exactly 'lovey-dovey' lol but you get my drift!

 

Hope you have a wonderful Thanksgiving!

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  • 4 weeks later...

A lot has happened... conversations, sticking with it, adjusting and adjusting again

 

The bf

He has now seen my work peeps on several occasions, with rave reviews

His bests support his rl with me & have met me but nothing broader, about which I am somewhat sensitive... otoh, he hasn't had occasion to invite me anywhere and as time passes he is changing too, becoming more comfortable with his social presence and more comfortable including if the occasion arose.

He is below par at planning ahead, thinks if he asked me to travel on any number of weekends that I wouldn't go. I can't imagine why he thinks that, honestly. Who cares. I asked him to travel. He struggled for a time, then said yes.

He battles depression.

He found that place of letting what will be, be.

I found the words for myself and/or kids to include him for say, a regular Friday night dinner -- that's my next step

 

I have started with a strength trainer and achieved some financial goals

Am finding the guts to compete in my sport

Am in a tough trench in my work life and in need of creating a business plan

 

Kids are, well if flowers could bloom like volcanoes... They just grow and grow and grow and before you know it they have new skills, new networks, new opportunities. It is breathtaking.

 

Am having a mid life crisis, as the saying goes. I don't know why we call it that. It is quite logical. The kids are a goal. We meet that goal: then what? What is my next dream? I tell you, I have written and written about it and I just don't have it yet. But I do have parts of it. It is coming together.

 

My contact with Slush has finally faded out... ironically, our kids have become ever better friends.

 

I finally contacted my fwb, explained my ghostlike behavior. We are on same page, and are generally not in contact to better our own relationships and life goals.

 

I am taking days off, and using them to clean up. It is like one clean up project after another, and it is daunting. Feels good.

 

I have bouts of fear, and I don't know why. Fear and depression are around the corner, and I keep them away with sleep, reduced sugar and caffeine, vitamins, exercise, and talk.

 

So that's where I am.

 

--

 

I would like to have my relationship more integrated into my life. Slowly working that in. Is a point of conflict within myself. I need the support of my resources, and am weary and fearful of advancing without them. Friends are in place and growing.

 

Been passive about much, a coping technique for managing more than I could. It is time for my initiative to return, and in a consistent, results-oriented manner. THAT is my next path.

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I also have a need to show how much I can eat. What's that all about?

 

We had a tense dinner out at which he insisted on ordering me the steak. I had been waffling; I was part of the dynamic, and I didn't need to eat the whole thing but I did. He said, "Sometimes a man just has to get his woman a steak."

 

That was selfish ego on his part, but deeper than that, it comes from a desire to help, provide, cherish. I decided I needed to run the calc to check my instincts and increase my commitment to total macros, and that I needed to help him understand how real those numbers are.

 

Why isn't my word enough? Because he overestimates my ability/willingness to protect him (less expensive dinner optoons) at expense to myself. I have decided not to be annoyed but to be grateful he wants to be generous.

 

I went along with it. It was important to him to treat me, even if he got the gift wrong ($$$ dinner choice instead of $$ app/veggie optoons).

 

So now he can learn how to treat me without undermining my goals.

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That might have a touch of generosity but that is just obnoxious on his part. How dare he? Sure if you like that kind of interaction and choose to see it in a positive light that's your choice and it's your relationship. My sense also is that he's motivated by some need to control and show he is a "man" since you are a highly intelligent and successful businesswoman and this is his way of evening the score. Ick. Sure as a little joke but otherwise it sounds sick to me. Again, what sounds sick to me can be a turn on to someone else, I get it.

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That might have a touch of generosity but that is just obnoxious on his part. How dare he? Sure if you like that kind of interaction and choose to see it in a positive light that's your choice and it's your relationship. My sense also is that he's motivated by some need to control and show he is a "man" since you are a highly intelligent and successful businesswoman and this is his way of evening the score. Ick. Sure as a little joke but otherwise it sounds sick to me. Again, what sounds sick to me can be a turn on to someone else, I get it.

 

Oh it was selfish and annoying for sure. If he were always like that, then he would be selfish and annoying. But he isn't.

 

He absolutely risks sounding condescending at times, he mansplains, he is generally more dramatic than I am. He is sensitive to increments of changes in behavior, and can get distracted by the meaning of things as he imagines it, and by nuances of emotion and messaging. I have limited patience for these aspects of him. Otoh, I can be blind to the significance of others' words and behaviors, and my own words and behaviors can lack nuance and that robs them of their intended grace.

 

To others he is gallant, charming, thoughtful. At risk of being obsequious, but the intent is respect and it shows through. As a result, he succeeds at asking questions that from me sound like insults. Like, Did you consider [something obvious, like, that the ground is flat].

 

Those traits embody skills that are useful, and risks that aren't. To meet them, I grow empathy and boundary skills. I learn to be patient and to accept him where he is

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