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Agree! It seems kind of obvious? -\0/-

 

Yes. I think it’s a knee jerk response often “well you don’t have kids” when it just could be a lack of common sense or simply not choosing to consider someone else’s situation in general. Hope it’s ok to give an example. Years ago I traveled almost two hours by bus to see my friend who had two young children and spend the day. I sat at her kitchen table with coffee and pretty soon the kids wanted her attention. So our conversation became disjointed.

 

And while I loved kids and also wanted to spend time with them my purpose in traveling there was to spend time with her and we hadn’t seen each other in person in a long time. She said “this is hard because usually my friends who come over bring their kids to keep my kids occupied”.

So I saw two perspective on this - first I probably should ha e been even more enthusiastic about engaging with her kids and two she could have considered in advance whether she could focus on catching up with me knowing I was traveling so far to see her and factored that in to her invitation. The next time I visited her I made a point of spending time with her kids where she actually could get a break.

 

When I became a mom I thought about that experience because I had several friend with no kids. And I always made it clear to friends that I might be preoccupied with my young child. The thing is that I would have done the same thing without the experience I just described.

 

I think it takes understanding on both sides when there is that dynamic of kids around or even other people around plus taking into account your partners particular ways of dealing with those kinds of dynamics. It’s not easy.

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Yes. I think it’s a knee jerk response often “well you don’t have kids” when it just could be a lack of common sense or simply not choosing to consider someone else’s situation in general. Hope it’s ok to give an example. Years ago I traveled almost two hours by bus to see my friend who had two young children and spend the day. I sat at her kitchen table with coffee and pretty soon the kids wanted her attention. So our conversation became disjointed.

 

And while I loved kids and also wanted to spend time with them my purpose in traveling there was to spend time with her and we hadn’t seen each other in person in a long time. She said “this is hard because usually my friends who come over bring their kids to keep my kids occupied”.

So I saw two perspective on this - first I probably should ha e been even more enthusiastic about engaging with her kids and two she could have considered in advance whether she could focus on catching up with me knowing I was traveling so far to see her and factored that in to her invitation. The next time I visited her I made a point of spending time with her kids where she actually could get a break.

 

When I became a mom I thought about that experience because I had several friend with no kids. And I always made it clear to friends that I might be preoccupied with my young child. The thing is that I would have done the same thing without the experience I just described.

 

I think it takes understanding on both sides when there is that dynamic of kids around or even other people around plus taking into account your partners particular ways of dealing with those kinds of dynamics. It’s not easy.

 

Great examples. Indeed I have said sometimes that I know my availability is limited and that he may want something different. I think it hits him emotionally first, he gets into his head, and then gets reassurance from me that I am simply otherwise occupied

 

Smart man has reignited some of his latent interests, and when I suggested that he seemed bored (buying things, traveling constantly, it struck a chord with him. His job is achievable within a 40 hour week. He has been there all of his adult life (and excelled, it still engages him). He needs a challenge outside of work, a focus point. It's good I am otherwise engaged so that it can't be me.

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Yes and good of you to point it out to him. Interesting what you said about an emotional response. I remember when I was working unpredictable hours and way over 40 hours a week and dating, if I dated someone who didn't have that kind of job (especially that kind of person) I made it a point of explaining that I might have to cancel last minute during the week because of work and not to take it personally. Inevitably they would say they understood but often when it happened, they did not.

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Yes and good of you to point it out to him. Interesting what you said about an emotional response. I remember when I was working unpredictable hours and way over 40 hours a week and dating, if I dated someone who didn't have that kind of job (especially that kind of person) I made it a point of explaining that I might have to cancel last minute during the week because of work and not to take it personally. Inevitably they would say they understood but often when it happened, they did not.

 

Yes! Some people get it, some people don't. Fortunately, he and I met at work, and also fortunately, he has always - even then - complimented the way I parent. So it doesn't create conflict. Sometimes, he wonders - how will I get more integrated in her life? Are we stuck at this stage of relationship? More like his private insecurities cropping up. I call them good opportunities to practice skills that support emotional stability.

 

It seems to be working. What I see is someone who is evolving -- only a couple of years out of marriage -- and seeing a world of opportunity. His choices are many compared to my few, but he thinks in terms of a shared life, so he has an interesting challenge of choosing his new path and also anticipating the desire to blend our paths.

 

I am grateful to have a clear path, and to feel at peace with it, and to feel it firmly rooted within me so that I could change cities, change homes, change most anything he wants. My path will come with me. No time soon, but the feeling informs how I interact.

 

Anyhow... it still sometimes feels weird, the ten year gap. Only because I am keenly aware of my slowing metabolism and it reminds me constantly how different I feel now versus a few years ago. It is a little weird, to feel "older", intuitively. Older than what? I don't know. Just older. I am not a fan.

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OK. Fine, I am old. Even if that is so, biologically, mathematically I am shooting for another 40 years. What can I accomplish in 40 years? A s-ton of good things, and things I especially value. Let's get to doing that.

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My biggest challenge lately in my 50s is not feeling attractive - I used to feel at least cute/attractive and now while I am happy with my body I am not happy with my looks. Partly this is my fault because I put that kind of self-care last if it's even on my list and it has nothing to do with my husband who seems to find me just as attractive as always. I see the aging in my face, I am unwilling to get "work" done and am unwilling to do more than the quick makeup routine I do. Doesn't help that I can no longer wear contacts because of my complicated prescription. And I am surprised that it bothers me as much as it does. Partly it's because I'm surrounded with women with children around my age who are much younger than me.

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My biggest challenge lately in my 50s is not feeling attractive - I used to feel at least cute/attractive and now while I am happy with my body I am not happy with my looks. Partly this is my fault because I put that kind of self-care last if it's even on my list and it has nothing to do with my husband who seems to find me just as attractive as always. I see the aging in my face, I am unwilling to get "work" done and am unwilling to do more than the quick makeup routine I do. Doesn't help that I can no longer wear contacts because of my complicated prescription. And I am surprised that it bothers me as much as it does. Partly it's because I'm surrounded with women with children around my age who are much younger than me.

 

Wow. I could have written this same post. Uncanny. Have a new eye doc and while I am now enjoying glasses and better vision (prior doc thought I couldn't have glasses, oddly), I am missing wearing contacts. Apparently I can return to contacts with new scrip and custom lens. Just this weekend I chastised myself for putting that expense low on the totem pole. I need to pay up and get it done. Because I agree with you-- it matters. I love finally having glasses to toss on in the morning, and I really miss the different look and feel of contacts. I feel much more athletic with contacts. And more, I don't know, more charming? More playful? Something.

 

I wish for you it is as simple as changing docs. I resisted the change; it turned out to be helpful. If there is no way, maybe spend some time thinking about soft disposables in an almost-good-enough scrip. That is what I have been doing when I really really want to ditch the four eyes. I can't read the menu and I have to put my phone on its largest display setting and hold my head sideways. Hahahaha I am sure THATs a good look... but I feel better.

It occurs to me now my bf sometimes dines with men who are in their 30s and I think to myself - how interesting that he spans the age gaps! - but duh. Its not as big a gap for him!

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Unfortunately they do not make contacts with my two issues -yet -will keep tuned to it though. I can wear them but then would need reading glasses to read - not willing to do that for a variety of reasons. Also I'd worn contacts since I was 12 and my eyes were getting too dry. Ironically my husband does wear them and is a bit vain about it even though he is not vain in general! I can see my lips getting thinner (they were too full, now, too thin) and I am thinner than ever (I was never overweight but I weigh less than pre-pregnancy) and IMO a thinner face often looks older. I also felt ugly before I was a teenager so I remember that feeling but it's been so long. I have to consider what I want to do, if anything. And no those MLM Rodan and Fields products are not the answer for me much as I get inundated with those posts on FAcebook!!

 

Thank you thank you for listening my fellow 50-something Lady.

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Things I appreciate

 

That my instincts are right with respect to my bf's headspace

 

That he understands me from the inside out and doesn't mind that I understand him

 

That we can talk about it while still feeling safe and secure

 

Story

Last night we shared some of our ideas - happenstance openness, no agenda

 

His thoughts were consistent with some of my observations about him - the adjustment to having a gf with kids, the questions about not creating his own, the challenge he feels about how much he enjoys feeling supportive of my kids and how atypical that is for him, the reduction in time together versus his usual all-in, all the time pattern.

 

I discovered my attraction to him, in part, is the fact that he hasn't resettled yet. Hasnt bought a house, sees the world full of opportunity and wonders what path he will next make. It's like being 25: I could partner with someone with whom I can create from scratch out shared home, lifestyle, path.

 

Then, I felt a wave of fear blow through me. He may have to walk away. Then I told him of my wave of fear. A gift to be able to share.

 

The fear was interesting! I know I can't hold him and don't want to; I am living that reality rather than the fiction that I can fix, keep, hold. There is no false sense of security. I remain open to his presence and trust in our ability to do what is right whatever that is, whenever choices are required. It's sometimes scary, apparently, mostly peaceful and strong. Interesting mix.

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I started the lunch hour with, Wait. Seriously? Maybe he wants to make kids and is struggling again with that?

 

Nope. He was trying to envision how, one day, he might become an integrated part of our family culture. I'm like, oh! We work as a team! Create a new culture together.

 

That took, maybe 90 minutes. Lol Humans. No matter how hard we try, sometimes it's still a game of telephone.

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I will rock this day. I will rock this day. I will rock this day. I will rock this day.

 

Memo. Press. Deal. Let's do this. Fuel like an athlete. Water! Protein! Efficiency in Fueling!

 

Ok. I can do this.

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I will rock this day. I will rock this day. I will rock this day. I will rock this day.

 

Memo. Press. Deal. Let's do this. Fuel like an athlete. Water! Protein! Efficiency in Fueling!

 

Ok. I can do this.

 

I rocked it, and still ran out of time. So... I am still rockin.

 

Have I mentioned how much I dig my relationship with the bf? ☁️9

 

Ok. Back to my project.

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I can not remember a time when I felt this way, for this long. Except maybe... well, never. I wasn't healthy enough, I committed too quickly, I didn't know my needs and therefore let them go unattended until they sprang out like dragon fire.

 

We get testy, I annoy him, but he goes the extra step to think about why and then works with whatever I can offer. That's generosity.

 

Men and women slowly fall away. We don't ask. I can tell, though. They recede from our active thoughts as we keep moving forward.

 

I am happy when I give him little things. Maybe I'll make something and drop it off.

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Trigger warning (these days, what ISN'T?)

 

I looked up my rapist on fb today. I haven't thought of him in specific terms in decades. Couldn't remember his last name until I started typing and it came right out. I have thought of me. This happened to ME. It is very different to point the finger at someone and say YOU did this. Though I used to think of it that way. It just made me angry. So I let it go. But here it is.

 

There he was on fb. I'd forgotten that of course we have friends in common. My friends and he were at the same high school. Never ever thought of him that way. Well, I guess I did then.

 

It was 35 years ago. Never told anyone except sometimes a friend here, a friend there.

 

Don't want to write about it. Am on the precipice of a fun day. Which path do I take? But I will need to write about it. Maybe to call a hotline because I never have. Maybe to talk to a therapist because I never have. Maybe my friend who is one. I mean, why not.

 

I suddenly wonder who else? Has he reformed himself? Is he an alcoholic? His fb page reflects years of dedication to the adoption of strays. Maybe he can love animals as a way of redemptoon. Maybe in people he sees their kindness juxtaposed against his awful side. Maybe he knows he isn't worthy.

 

Why am I even thinking about that.

 

I want to tell him You~ and watch him fold. Watch him capitulate. Make him cry in regret. A flip of power, isn't it, that fantasy. But he would likely reply in anger, if at all. Or I could report it, expend energy, live it all over again. Who knew? I dunno. His mother. My roommate. Nobody knew knew. And what would happen? Nothing. Anger all over again. My kids would know and it would haunt them.

 

This is about power. As if something was taken. It is confusing. I own me.

 

I don't quite know what to do with my rambling thoughts. Maybe I put them away until later. My poor bf is going to end up the recipient and that isn't fair.

 

Up is down and down is up in the time of _____. Its like being compelled to be owned by a thug. I pray him gone, in total and soon, and the deep divisions healed. It is no small prayer.

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I'm sorry you are going through this and I don't want to give my opinion about contacting him unless you ask. I saw the guy who assaulted me 9 years after the fact. We'd been in touch in a sense because he contacted me a number of times on dating sites apparently not remembering who i was. One time he messaged me "why are you still single?" and I responded "because I haven't met the right person. and, why are you still lying about your age?" When I met him again I looked the same and told him my full name to see what would happen. No recognition at all. And that's because after what he did to me he harassed a number of my friends but not sexually (nasty emails, calls that sort of thing). No I didn't report and yes I told my friends so they could watch out for him on dating sites and otherwise. Clean cut successful handsome businessman.

 

I hope you are feeling better soon.

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As if something was taken. It is confusing. I own me.

 

That's what it is, sometimes: theft. The first time it happened to me, I was unconscious. The second time, I was drunk and it was a friend. The first time, I was in my early 20s and I felt absolutely gutted. I didn't tell anyone for a very long time, and I think probably only two people know now. I felt shame for letting that happen to me. And twice? That almost makes me the rapist, doesn't it? Isn't that how it works in this world?

 

I can't tell you how angry I get when I hear people disparaging the women who come forward after years. I understand now, why they waited so long. Like me, they never planned to tell anyone. But when they learned that what they thought was an isolated incident wasn't isolated at all, they felt compelled. Wouldn't you?

 

Some men 'rob' women like this over and over again because they realize that the women won't report it. These men are serial rapists. If I saw one of the two aforementioned men in the news for rape, you bet your ass I would come forward 20 years after the fact. I don't care what people say about me. Now, it's not worth the trouble. That's kind of sad.

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Batya and Jibralta, thank you for sharing. It helps!

 

I was at a party at his house. I was depressed I think because my bf and I broke up, and I felt like a wanderer without my friend group. I drank too much and went upstairs to a bedroom to recover before driving home. I was passed out, but jarred awake by what was happening. I confronted him, later. He had been my bf two years prior and I had refused him. He wanted what I hadn't offered. He said this.

 

So gross. I didn't know I had anger left in me about it. I wonder about its impact on me, ways I may not have understood.

 

I would like to think he carries the burden of self judgment. I am afraid to learn he doesn't. That, I think, is my fear. Certainly nobody else would hold him accountable. Neither would he hold himself accountable.

 

So yeah - what's the point. But then, how does anything change?

 

I will look in his places of residence to see if there is a record. He was violent in college. If there is s record, I suppose I tell someone at least so they know. I dunno.

 

I worked out today. As I approached the gym, I told myself "I am a survivor. I am beautiful." It made me feel good.

 

I do not want to be a survivor. I want to be a star or a sunbeam. No baggage hitched to my backside as I rise and shine.

 

I thought it was gone. When will it go away.

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And for goodness sakes, I meant to say.... I am so sorry this happened, in it's own way, to each if you. To so many of us. Men too. Two have come out to me with their own histories.

 

We have to accept that this is us, the businessman, the neighbor, the classmate. It IS changing. I guess so many outings, if you will, means that a new awareness is being born.

 

It finally triggered me too.

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Well... it appears he is unemployed and bankrupt. Maybe I hang my hat on that and call it a day.

 

 

OMG in other news.... someone I used to write about here is now in legal trouble of a rather dramatic sort. Wish I could share more.

 

When stories don't hang together.... there is a reason!

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Hmmm. What to do.

 

I want to spend more time on a boat. This is a time suck - the pack and prep, and the isolating effect of being away from land where people can't reach you.

 

My bf appreciates the vision, but resists the commitment. I've tried making it happen on my own and on an ad hoc basis and it doesn't happen.

 

Want to join a club wherein we could grab a boat - if I do it without him then I am creating a division. If I have a friend to share it with- maybe. I have no intimate friends to share it with though. No besties. I won't go out alone.

 

I dunno. Maybe I tell him I gotta try. Give ourselves a chance to fail.

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