mutual friend sexually assaulted girlfriend. Found out a year later.

[Ickteck]

Hello all,

 

I’ve come to the Internet for some objective advice.

 

I’m a 33 year old male and a few days ago my girlfriend of nearly 3 years, 32, told me that about a year ago, while I was working offshore, she was at mutual friend (at the time was our next door neighbour) of ours (54 year old male). She got drunk, so did he and while she was laying on the couch he lifted up her top and went to kiss her breast.

 

At the time, a year ago, I knew she was there until 3am, I knew she got drunk, I was annoyed but I was assured that nothing happened and that I shouldn’t have worried. She even defended him saying he was harmless. When I was told recently I was furious at him for doing it, furious at her for not telling me and now I’m still furious but also confused.

 

Over the last year, she’s also caught up with him while I’ve not been around. I know she isn’t attracted to him, but I want to know why she chose to go back to someone who sexually assaulted her. Why she encouraged my relationship with him and whether I have the right to be as angry as I am. I’ve lost a friend as I’ve lost trust in my girlfriend.

 

Her reasoning for not telling me is that he was extremely drunk and she didn’t want to ruin my friendship with him and make things extremely awkward as next door neighbours.

 

He’s always been a bit sleazy and occasionally dropped that he liked certain women in married situations. So was I right to be angry that she went there, got drunk and stayed til 3am. I know he was the instigator, but do you guys think she shares any part of the blame. Also by me not knowing, I continued to build my relationship with this mutual friend and I feel like it’s a complete waste which she could have prevented and I have lost of lot of trust in my relationship in her.

 

Thoughts, advice and feedback appreciated.

 

N

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. It sounds like she gets lonely and drinks and heads to his place to hook up when you are out of town. He's not the problem, her cheating and lying is. He didn't assault her since she herself states it was consensual and "harmless".

while I was working offshore. She got drunk, so did he and while she was laying on the couch he lifted up her top and went to kiss her breast. She even defended him saying he was harmless. Over the last year, she’s also caught up with him while I’ve not been around.

[1tym]

She shares some blame here. She may claim it was an assault but you will never know. This is the core problems because it could be true but how do you really know? How do you know she didn't actually go all the way or even partially like oral or some type but only said that to you that she was assaulted to break it to you easy. I have never met anyone who has been sexually assaulted. But for me if I were to be assaulted like that I would have told someone, a loved one immediately or even after a while, certainly I would stay away from that man or won't ever be around him again if he is near. So yea the trust will be 0 and I would tread cautiously if you still want to be with her.

[Ickteck]

Thanks Wiseman, she said "harmless" in that i'd never have to worry about him doing anything.

[Ickteck]

My problem is... there's withholding the truth and then there's lying. she lied when i asked her and went further by defending him and saying he'd never do anything like that. It's an interesting point that she's never told anyone. I hadn't thought of that and i find it strange.

[Wiseman2]

True, she's the one doing all the harm by cheating and lying and trying to cover her tracks.

she said "harmless" in that i'd never have to worry about him doing anything.

[dias]

And what if he didn't really assault her? Why she chose to keep contact with someone who assaulted her otherwise ? It doesn't make sense. Something is sketchy here

[Ickteck]

I don't know. He's a sleaze and he's 54 and ugly. I struggle to see how it could be mutual. I want to partly blame her for putting herself in that situation. you can't blame someone for being mugged in a dark alley, but you can see they're ing stupid for putting themselves in the dark alley. it's destroying me that i'll never know the truth.

[1tym]

Just because he is sleazy and ugly to you doesn't mean it matters much to her. So don't make that assumption. The age gap doesn't matter either. Many 50ish year old males are with much younger females so don't make that assumption as well.

[Capricorn3]

True, she's the one doing all the harm by cheating and lying and trying to cover her tracks.

I second this post. Time to see her for what she is - a lying cheat, and maybe also time to re-think your relationship.

[Cope]

Why and when did she tell you about it?

[j.man]

There are some legitimate reasons someone who's been sexually assaulted by someone would still interact, even closely, with the perpetrator, but I say that more as a PSA than anything I think contributes to your account, specifically. I have to admit my hunch is in-line with the overall consensus here.

 

Still, you can and probably should come to the same result either way you slice it.

 

If she was sexually assaulted after getting drunk at his place, and is now continuing to do so, you are well within your rights to say, "Look, I'm putting in hard time and labor working offshore, and I simply can't keep sane worrying about you on top of it. I'm sorry." And that's very real. Getting sexually assaulted isn't her choice, but subsequently forfeiting her agency with alcohol and after having voluntarily entered a demonstrably hazardous environment is. You can extrapolate that into any realm. It's far from only sexual assault that would leave one partner, man or woman, worrying about another, and to the point that causing an unsustainable amount of stress in the relationship. If I'd gotten mugged and continued to insist on walking home by myself, drunk as a skunk at 3:00am, there's no way my lady would or should live with that worry.

 

I'd write a whole paragraph on the infidelity angle, but it's much more simple and, frankly, self-evident in this situation. Bottom line is there is a way to dress it up if you do want to want to forego the assumption she's cheated, but don't want to feel guilty for dumping her for being a victim. I don't know what kind of dream your relationship may otherwise be, but I can tell you with absolute confidence that there's no way I could happily continue it, whether due to the reality she very likely cheated on me, or because I'll be perpetually worrying about someone taking advantage of her reckless behavior.

[Minikimini]

If he sexually assaulted her, why hasn't she pressed charges?

 

Her excuse is flimsy--why would she encourage you to remain friends and keep building friendship with a "harmless" friend who sexually assaulted her? That makes absolutely no sense. The universe wouldn't be enough space between you and him.

 

To me, it sounds more to me like she's been hanging at his place a lot more than she's been telling you---like she has made a habit of going over to his place behind your back (has she ever gone to his place when you were at home? If not, why not?) to get drunk, he made a move on her she probably enjoyed more than she's willing to admit. Because she's been doing it a lot, he finally told her either you tell your boyfriend what you've been doing or I'm going to tell him, so she decided to run to you first with an accusation.

 

The guilty always make the most noise.

 

So to your point: why be in a relationship with someone you can't trust? Who/what else has she been lying about while you've been out of town working?

 

there's withholding the truth and then there's lying.

 

That's called "lying by omission". It's still lying.

 

she said "harmless" in that i'd never have to worry about him doing anything.

 

But he did do something she is now trying to get out of admitting she took part in.

[Wiseman2]

Who is calling this "sexual assault"?

She got drunk, so did he and while she was laying on the couch he lifted up her top and went to kiss her breast. She even defended him saying he was harmless.

[yatsue]

There are some legitimate reasons someone who's been sexually assaulted by someone would still interact, even closely, with the perpetrator, but I say that more as a PSA than anything I think contributes to your account, specifically. I have to admit my hunch is in-line with the overall consensus here.

 

This is good to point out, as I can relate somewhat as a sexual assault victim. I don't want to go into too much detail, but my long term best friend's husband (who I was also friends with) had touched me in my sleep while they were both over my place. I questioned the events that took place because I was in so much shock. I didn't believe it was real and had convinced myself it didn't happen. I still communicated and met up with him because he is still married to my best friend.

 

However, I had a lot of work to do to realize it was real and it did happen. This took many years. I knew all along, but I had some help to make me grasp the gravity of the assault. I had apparently disassociated myself from the incident. I consulted this hotline:

 

https://www.rainn.org/recovering-sexual-violence

 

It also has a section for loved ones of the victim. I would suggest using it and then talk to your partner, before making accusations against her. I strongly encourage you to inform yourself, if you love her. Not everyone acts the "right" way after sexual assault, although this is a good start to get more of an understanding. This is also a great opportunity to present your boundaries to her, regarding her interactions with the possible predator. The reason why could be more complex than "she just wants to cheat". I would find the true reason why and give her this hotline. It helped me tremendously.

 

My reason was the perpetrator is my best friend's (who I've known my entire life) husband, I disassociated myself from the interaction due to trauma, and convinced myself it was a dream in my sleep. Her reason may be similar because I can see some similarities here; mutual friend (reason), both drunk (altered state, hence possible reason for doubt), believes he's harmless (disassociation), etc. Very familiar lines of thinking here.

 

P.S. I no longer associate myself with my friend's husband and told her about this, even though I never wanted anything to do with him after the assault. I was extremely confused and it took me a really long time to get to this point, with good support and talking about it.

[abitbroken]

I don't know. He's a sleaze and he's 54 and ugly. I struggle to see how it could be mutual. I want to partly blame her for putting herself in that situation. you can't blame someone for being mugged in a dark alley, but you can see they're ing stupid for putting themselves in the dark alley. it's destroying me that i'll never know the truth.

 

Its mutual because she continues to go over to his house to get drunk with him. looks have nothing to do with it. Its not like they were chatting over the fence like friendly neighbors do about the weather and about the local whatnots in the neighborhood and he started rubbing her. She even says he "went to kiss it" but sounds like he didn't make contact.

 

I think she is covering her tracks by lying.

 

I understand what people are saying about people still talking to people who assaulted them - if your boss did it, then you are confused and fearful of losing your job, etc, or something like that and don't know what to do -- but if she did anything BUT cold turkey never go over to his house again and not get drunk again either - then that's different. But i really think there is more to this story and she is trying to paint in a way that would cover up her indiscretions

[Minikimini]

Who is calling this "sexual assault"?

 

OP in his first post:

but I want to know why she chose to go back to someone who sexually assaulted her.

 

and I'm guessing that by the way his girlfriend spun this to OP that she is now calling what he did sexual assault in an effort to save her own behind.

[ElleGant]

Saying he’s “harmless” is often a way of rationalising to downplay a traumatic event for fear of the repercussions of sharing the experience and what you might do now you know. Denial is very common amongst sexual assault survivors. What can seem small and innocuous to onlookers, is a different matter for victims. It’s easy to victim-blame, which re-victimises victims, e.g. because she was drunk she must have wanted it which is very dangerous thinking and why so many assault victims don’t report such incidents. It’s often an excuse used by abusers and mysoginists who desperately want to believe the woman is guilty of something and therefore, demonise the victim as a bad person who was cheating, etc. Drunk or not, there’s no excuse for non-consensual sexual contact. Also, sometimes victims blame themselves and feel so ashamed that they distort the facts to try to cope with the reality of the assault - as a result they may do things that seem illogical like maintain contact with the person who assaulted them. How things look and how they actually are are rarely the same thing. It’s too easy for some people to judge your gf, you and your situation or for well meaning people to give damaging advice. I hope she gets therapy ASAP and you get therapy together too. There’s a lot of healing to be done. Don’t let people convince you she’s a bad person or that she’s lying about the incident. Being disbelieved will cause more damage, especially if you’ve reason to be suspicious of her (only you know her well, not anyone online).

[Minikimini]

She wasn't drunk when she decided to go to the home of some guy who wasn't her boyfriend behind her boyfriend's back and get drunk with him.

 

She makes very bad decisions when OP isn't there to keep an eye on her and that should be a huge red flag.

[yatsue]

Saying he’s “harmless” is often a way of rationalising to downplay a traumatic event for fear of the repercussions of sharing the experience and what you might do now you know. Denial is very common amongst sexual assault survivors. What can seem small and innocuous to onlookers, is a different matter for victims. It’s easy to victim-blame, which re-victimises victims, e.g. because she was drunk she must have wanted it which is very dangerous thinking and why so many assault victims don’t report such incidents. It’s often an excuse used by abusers and mysoginists who desperately want to believe the woman is guilty of something and therefore, demonise the victim as a bad person who was cheating, etc. Drunk or not, there’s no excuse for non-consensual sexual contact. Also, sometimes victims blame themselves and feel so ashamed that they distort the facts to try to cope with the reality of the assault - as a result they may do things that seem illogical like maintain contact with the person who assaulted them. How things look and how they actually are are rarely the same thing. It’s too easy for some people to judge your gf, you and your situation or for well meaning people to give damaging advice. I hope she gets therapy ASAP and you get therapy together too. There’s a lot of healing to be done. Don’t let people convince you she’s a bad person or that she’s lying about the incident. Being disbelieved will cause more damage, especially if you’ve reason to be suspicious of her (only you know her well, not anyone online).

 

This is very wise, beyond the knowledge of the general public. Only after I got professional help could I see a situation like this in such a way. I used to have everyone else's viewpoint, until I got help for myself. Not to throw shade at the community, but I would leave this one to the professionals. They are way more experienced and knowledgeable about the psychology behind sexual abuse.

 

OP, I implore you to at least read the link I previously provided. It is a legitimate hotline created by people who have an expertise in this field. I would not make the mistake of not informing yourself before implementing rash decisions. You can make any decision you want, although it would be unfortunate to squander an opportunity for a well informed choice.