I don't have much interest in my 'best friend'

[exquisite101]

I'm a 26 year old male, and since the age of 7 there is this guy who I have been best friends with. We are from the same area, went to the same school, and our parents are also friends. In secondary school I guess I started to realise there were some differences between us.... I have a bit of an alternative side to me whereas his interests can sometimes be very conventional. Just in general, I don't feel we're much of a fit.

 

But because of our close links throughout life, we stayed friends.... He sometimes used to take things very personally and could be a bit unpredictable, so I guess I never even entertained the idea of gradually becoming distant from him. Because of that, there were even times when I would go out of my way to be super friendly to him - such as back in 2014 when I arranged us to go on a summer holiday.

 

I live in a different city to him, so most of the time I don't really see him. It's only when I'm home that we really hang out - or else we would have the occasional weekend away somewhere. Overall I'm fine with that arrangement, but he will sometimes say stuff about us being best man at each other's weddings.... and to me it just feels weird.

 

Even now, for example, he wants to go on holiday this summer together. I don't really have any interest in it.... but he suggested the same last year, and I made up excuses then. I can't just make up excuses again and again. So I guess I'm going to have to.

 

Sure, you guys might be thinking I'm being selfish or spoiled - here is a guy who wants to be your friend and you just won't appreciate it. Maybe that is the problem..... But for me it just feels more like a personal identity crisis. We are just not that similar of people, and it just doesn't feel right to me. In other situations I feel both of us would have figured out that we are a bit different, but because of our family and neighborhood links (and my lack of assertiveness in doing my own thing), it hasn't quite worked out like that.

 

Ultimately, getting in contact with him and hanging out with him feels like a chore more than anything.... But I don't know how to manage the middle ground of living life on my own terms, without hurting his feelings.

[Wiseman2]

Just back up a bit and be friendly but keep busy with your own life. Slowly shift him to the "old school pal" or "acquaintances" folder. Be kind polite etc but you don't have to hang out as much or go on vacations and so on. Just have a quick beer if you're in town and be busy with other things

[smackie9]

You could do the slow fade or you could just be honest with him. Sometimes we out grow our friends and people we used to pal around with. Nothing wrong with parting ways on good terms.

[catfeeder]

It's great that you have concerns about hurting his feelings, which means that you at very least have a loyalty to your history and family ties.

 

Given that the guy is not a constant companion, I'd make room for the idea that differing interests and growth rates are common in historic friendships, and there are ways to distance yourself without burning bridges and regretting that later. You don't need to make 'excuses' for not wanting to reserve your vacation time for trips with the guy. You can keep your responses vague without going into details that make you feel squirmy. ("Sorry, it won't work for me this year.)

 

Instead of viewing any home time spent with the guy as a chore, I'd consider viewing it as an honorable nod to your families and a willingness to create good memories for someone who's been loyal to you. I'd stretch to appreciate his unique value despite your differences, and I'd place limits on any assumptions he may make about 'how much' time you'll be available. The less 'splaining you do, the better, and the less resentful you will feel. Treat having a busy schedule with other commitments as natural, positive and nothing to apologize for--or explain in detail.

 

The less you impose a need to apologize on yourself, the more confident you will become at raising whatever boundaries and limits to your acquaintanceship you'll want to impose. Sensing that he doesn't 'like' any given limit doesn't mean that your limits are wrong or open to manipulation. Simply uphold them as a natural part of being an adult. You're giving him an opportunity to adopt a valuable social skill: respect for the limits of others.

 

Head high, you can do this.

[abitbroken]

But for me it just feels more like a personal identity crisis. We are just not that similar of people, and it just doesn't feel right to me. In other situations I feel both of us would have figured out that we are a bit different, but because of our family and neighborhood links (and my lack of assertiveness in doing my own thing), it hasn't quite worked out like that.

 

I have friends that are different age groups and have a different set of interested than me. I have a friend who remembers the "old neighborhood" and when we chat, we reminisce about things, our extended families that eachother remembers, etc, old times, we are both trying to do things healthier, --- but i am careful to not discuss politics because we are wildly different there and I don't wish to break down our friendship with debate. Neither of us are a "friend snob" where either thinks the other one is not good enough over the judgement of eachother's interests being "too basic" "weird" or whatever.

 

I think that you should just be firm in the idea that you don't do trips. But i think you should make an effort to do SOMETHING with this friend from time to time -- you might find that you were just being a snob after all.

 

But even if you don't go places together - its good to have a friend that remembers you when you were a kid, situational friends ('work friends' that don't translate to long term friendships or hang out much in your personal life), friends that share a deep interest --- etc. This friend is one of the "old friends"

[Andrina]

If only one could go through life without hurting anyone's feelings, that would be so great. It's not possible, however. What would I do about the travel invites? I'd say: You know, I've realized something about myself. I used to like travel trips with buddies, but now I'd really prefer to spend my money on a trip with my girlfriend (or if you don't have one, just say "a lady friend.")

 

If he brings up the best man thing again, or if you want to bring it up to make things clear, I'd say: You know, it's probably best we don't make any promises. People change and grow. I've had some close friends where I live now and maybe I'll want one of them to be that for me, or a favorite cousin, or my future brother-in-law, and you might end up with someone else you'd prefer as your best man.

 

I would assume you wouldn't mind having lunch with him once or doing whatever you normally do together when going home. If he brings up more get togethers while you're there, I'd just say: Wish I could but my time is stretched thin seeing particular friends and relatives. I won't even have time to see everyone I want to on this trip.

 

This will wake him up to the fact that you're changing and that maybe your friendship is changing into something else too.

 

I never label anyone my best friend, since my friendships have always changed, with some ending as well, as per life experiences from both sides.

 

If your friend pouts or gets angry, you don't have to accept that emotional abuse. Hopefully, it will just be a wake up call for him and he will understand that the friendship has taken on a more minimal status and that's life. You shouldn't sacrifice your happiness for a friend who, if he knew how you really felt, wouldn't want to spend those trips with someone who really didn't want to be there. Good luck.

[JennaCee]

I don't think you should lead him on. If you don't want to remain friends, just say so and stop wasting his time, and stop him from wasting the energy trying to meet up with you, and maintain the friendship.

I think you are really lucky that you have someone who after all these years, wants to maintain a friendship, and wants to put the effort in. I moved every three years as a kid, and as a result, I have no long term friends, and the adults I meet nowadays seem too shallow and too self absorbed to want to build and maintain a real, honest, and equally balanced friendship.

But, it's best if he knows he can't count on you for weddings, and vacations, etc. I do not think it's rude for you to tell him that you won't be best man, and that you no longer want to maintain a friendship with him. Rather, you are doing him a favor. If you think it's a chore being around him...doesn't he deserve better? Everyone deserves friends who really like them, not people that are only there faking it. And you deserve better too! You deserve to be around people who you enjoy as well right?