He’s making me think I’m a monster

[Cbu14gwv]

I’m not sure if anybody has seen my previous posts, but I’ll sum up my 4 year relationship a bit for reference. We’re both 21, started dating when we were 16. Only guy I’ve ever been with. Broke up twice before, all my decision. He says horrible things in fights, including telling me in a piece of , and go kill myself. He has mental health problems and has always said that’s the cause but refuses to talk to anybody, I got him on meds but stopped taking them. He purposely tries to make me mad or sad. If I get a good grade, or I succeed in some way he acts as if it’s no big deal but he’s basically a saint if the same happens for him. He has lied about his friends saying bad things about me just to make me feel bad. I have never even met half of his friends. Things were good sometimes, but not the relationship that I expected. After fights he would go into honeymoon faze but then a week later the same thing. Even lately in the fights he would say he can’t wait to breakup once he’s done school.

 

So the past few months I’ve been going to my therapist getting up the courage to leave. I love him, so I didn’t want to but I knew I had to.

 

So two days ago he texted me saying that I’ve been distant and that he’d “done” because I’m not trying. So I agreed even tho he was expecting an apology. So I said I think we should both be done, then 17 missed calls later I told him I can’t talk on the phone because all he would do is try to talk me out of it like the last times, and he wouldn’t have let me speak.

 

I’ve been getting texts ever since. In the first day he said he respects my decision but I need to answer the phone, I told him I need space and I can’t talk to him for a while. I sent his numbers of texts saying He can’t talk to me after I would see I’ve missed 5 from him. Today I told him if he won’t stop contacting me I’ll have to block him, and all he’ll broke loose. He said I’m f’ed and that I obviously don’t care about him, that I’m treating him like , that I’m being so rude and that I never loved him. I feel horrible. I don’t want to get back with him but he’s making me think I’m a monster. Am I? Should I have talked to him even tho he would only try to change my mind? I’m afraid he’s going to make me seem like a monster to his family and friends. I even thought maybe I could text his mother and say all I wanted is space and that I’m not trying to be rude. Help, what do I do, what should I think

[Cbu14gwv]

By the way we texted because we lived together away from our homes for the past 3 years because of school. I’m done school for the year now but he still has a month left, so he’s currently still away in our apartment and I’m home with my family. That’s why I couldn’t do it in person. But honestly even if I could I don’t think I would have, he’s been known to block doors in fights so I wouldn’t leave so who knows if that would have happened

[ThatwasThen]

Have you told your own folks what he's like and how he is verbally abusing you and harassing you? You need some support from people you actually know and trust right now while you vent and get opinions here.

 

Don't worry about him bad mouthing you to his friends or family. I'm sure by now they know what he reverts to when he doesn't get his own way. If they don't see what a d-bag he's being and can be then who cares what they think, their opinion isn't worth worrying about.

 

To be honest, he doesn't sound very mentally or emotionally stable and I'm glad you're breaking up with him. Talk to your therapist about what you can do to end his harassment of you while staying safe. Your EX wouldn't harm you physically would he? Normally I'd just suggest you block and delete him so he can't get through to you but what is he capable of if he gets frustrated from not getting a response?

[DanZee]

You're not a monster. You've been abused for a very long time. He's just playing mind games with you and doing what he can to inflict more harm on you. You need to block his number to make the calls stop. You should hide out with your family for a while in case he tries to get at you. The way an abuser works is to make you think that everything's your fault, and if you just follow what he's telling you, everything will be better. But it will only get worse for you. You might also want to take out a restraining order against him because if he tries to do something to you, the police will know of the restraining order and will lock him up if he breaks it. If you can't go to your family, find a friend where you can stay at.

[Cbu14gwv]

No he wouldn’t physically harm me. Just emotionally abusive for sure. I gave him so many chances because I know how much he hates himself. I’m in nursing so I have a soft spot for people who have mental health illnesses, so I always thought things will change if he just got help. But he didn’t, and he refused to.

[ThatwasThen]

No he wouldn’t physically harm me. Just emotionally abusive for sure. I gave him so many chances because I know how much he hates himself. I’m in nursing so I have a soft spot for people who have mental health illnesses, so I always thought things will change if he just got help. But he didn’t, and he refused to.

 

Then the only reason I would involve his mother is to actually tell her that you've broken up with him and you're staying gone this time and that you're worried about how he's handling it because he's being harassing and is relentless in his attempts to re-engage you. Maybe she can talk him into getting the help he clearly needs.

 

So sorry you're in the throes of all this. Don't let him hoover you back again, luv. You deserve better.

[DanZee]

No he wouldn’t physically harm me. Just emotionally abusive for sure. I gave him so many chances because I know how much he hates himself. I’m in nursing so I have a soft spot for people who have mental health illnesses, so I always thought things will change if he just got help. But he didn’t, and he refused to.

 

I don't think you can help him anymore, and you probably need therapy yourself to recover your confidence and sense of self. You shouldn't have to endure this. You've done nothing wrong but try to help a mentally ill person, and he's pulling you down with him.

[figureitout23]

No he wouldn’t physically harm me. Just emotionally abusive for sure. I gave him so many chances because I know how much he hates himself. I’m in nursing so I have a soft spot for people who have mental health illnesses, so I always thought things will change if he just got help. But he didn’t, and he refused to.

 

You may be a nurse, but you arent his nurse, please dont think that is a valid excuse to allow this guy to stay in our life because its not.

 

I'd hate to see you here 4 months from now mentally damaged because you stuck around and played along with his crazy making behavior.

 

You were his girlfriend, not his caretaker, delete, block and tell his family if you fear he is in danger.

[MissCanuck]

No, you're not a monster. That line of thinking is the product of what has clearly been an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship.

 

You need to cut him off. Yes, really. It will be hard but you can't help him, and he is abusive. I would also recommend you get some counselling for yourself to help you heal and understand why you stayed this long. That way, it will be much less likely to happen again in the future. Take care of you now.

[Cope]

You are not a monster!! I'm proud of how you're handling this, it's hard and you're making all the right steps!

 

Of course he wants you to think you're a monster, he wants you back and it's the only way he knows how. Also, you were in this abusive dynamic too long and it worked in the past. Now you're not taking it so he escalated his game.

 

I would to tell you to block, but he sounds scary. You do need support from family and I see you're already getting it. I hope you're telling them how abusive he's gotten over the phone. If you had some sort of friendly relationship with his mother,sure tell him what ThatWasThen said. Maybe even consider having your parents talk to her? Is she stable or is she like her so?

Don't apologise. You have done nothing wrong.

[Wiseman2]

What do your therapist and family say about all this? If you are serious about ending this abusive relationship, you need to enlist the help of your therapist, family, friends, etc. At this point you are physically safe and away from him. Now block and delete him

I’m home with my family.

[Cbu14gwv]

She is stable. Actually she has asked me many many tines if he is controlling or mean. She said she is scared he is going to end up like his father (who was very mean and controlling to her) but obviously when she asked I said everything was fine. So now that we’re over I didn’t know if i should tell her that yes he is mean, and yes he is controlling so I think he needs somebody to talk to and professional help

[Cope]

She is stable. Actually she has asked me many many tines if he is controlling or mean. She said she is scared he is going to end up like his father (who was very mean and controlling to her) but obviously when she asked I said everything was fine. So now that we’re over I didn’t know if i should tell her that yes he is mean, and yes he is controlling so I think he needs somebody to talk to and professional help

 

I would contact her. Ask your therapist too, but it sounds like she knows what's going on and is concerned. It would be nice to know that she won't let her son know. I did this once with an ex, but I really trusted her mom as she was nice and seemed extremely concerned for her son's well being. Even spoken to his therapist. But again, ask your therapist too!

[Wiseman2]

Therapy is for you not fixing him. Stop fixing damaged guys. Being a nurse is a profession that you get paid for. Fixing damaged guys is a hobby or obsession for your own need to control and fix people. Unfortunately you are acting very unhealthy about this. Playing martyr and Mother Teresa is for your ego, not for him. If he's abusive, stay away It's that simple.

So now that we’re over I didn’t know if i should tell her that yes he is mean, and yes he is controlling so I think he needs somebody to talk to and professional help

[Cope]

I agree with Wiseman, just to be clear, the only reason I agree with contacting his mother is that maybe that will make him stop contacting you. It's not your job to fix him. This is not inhumane, it's just the way it is. He needs therapy and if he doesn't want to go, he will never feel better. Whatever you do, you can not help him.