Living with a partner battling mental health issues

[Anonyli00]

Hello.

 

I'm in need of some advice whether my relationship is worth fighting for, or if it's time to leave. My boyfriend of 5 years, whom I live with and own a place together, is going through some issues. He's diagnosed with PTSD, ADHD and bipolar and recently hit an all time low and doesn't know how how to get himself out - he's taking weeks off work and now I'm worried he'll lose his job and I'll be left to pay all the bills myself. We are in our early 30s and I've matured and have been ready for marriage and a family for 3 years now, and have waited for him to be at the same level. I've realized he has let his past struggles affect him for majority of his life, so because of that he lacks motivation to strive in life. It becomes almost depressing to be with someone that is struggling with depression. I'm a confident girl with strong goals, career oriented and know what I want, and I don't think he's at the same mindset as me. I know mental health is a huge issue; but he's a wise man who is well aware of his issues. I feel like he's using his problems as an easy route to fail in life instead of working hard. Is it wrong of me to think this way? Should I continue to fight for a man who I love and is going through personal struggles, or should I leave because it's emotionally straining on me and may put me into depression as well?

 

Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks.

[DanZee]

So the guy is unemployed and is philosophical about his mental illness? You need to drag him to the doctor to get him on meds so he can try to be a productive member of society or you need to leave him. Both ways, your life with him will be sad and miserable, but one way will be a little bit better than the other. Also, you don't need to be his nurse for the rest of his life. You shouldn't feel guilty if you leave him. You need to save yourself. I would say rather than being in love with him, you're more emotionally dependent on him. You feel sorry for him. It's like tending after a hurt animal. You feel sympathetic, but it's not love.

[DancingFool]

If he has all these issues and he isn't taking his meds, following through with therapy, regular psychiatric check ups, diet, lifestyle, exercise and habit routines to help him be stable, then no, he is not being responsible with his mental illness. This is also one of those things where you can't fix him or help him. He has to not only want to help himself but be disciplined enough to maintain all that he has to maintain to be stable. You can be a supportive partner to someone who is constantly doing all that they need to be doing and even then, your relationship will be challenging at times and it's not for everyone. When you are dealing with someone who isn't doing everything to keep a grip, it's quite frankly hopeless and yes, their issues will take their toll on you as well, where you may also end up in depression, dealing with PTSD, etc. Either way, it's perfectly fair to admit that this isn't for you and walk away. Another factor to consider is that you want a family and certain types of mental illnesses are hereditary. Something else to seriously consider.

[abitbroken]

I would sell the house. you are waiting for him to be ready for marriage -- he can barely manage himself. He is not marriage material. I would not waste any more time. You will not be financially tied to him anymore and can buy your own place or rent. Whether you stay with him or not is up to you, but i would untangle myself. Buying a house and cohabitating does't make someone ready for marriage.

[Anonyli00]

Thank you for all your feedback. After five years living together, this month was the first time I've ever seen him have a meltdown. I've only suspected that he had personal issues that he hasn't overcome, but coping.

 

Three weeks ago we had an argument and contemplated whether our relationship will work, and at the same time his pet of 17 years got cancer. All this at the same time was too much for him to cope and brought him to a sad place. He realized he needed help and met with a psychologist for the first time this week, which is when we learnt that he might have these mental illnesses. He wants to get better and is seeking a psychiatrist for help.

 

A part of me finds this stressful on myself, and don't think I can deal with this if it becomes long term. I can only hope this is a temporary phase, and as his partner, I should stick by him when he needs it most.

 

I'm starting to come to the realization that it may be time soon to walk away if things don't get better. I work hard to not live a stressful life and let negativity in my life.

 

It was really nice to hear the feedback. It helped me realize that even if I love him and want this to work, it takes 2 to make the relationship work. If he continues to struggle then his focus should be to work on himself and not be in a relationship - it'll be better on both of us in the long term.

 

I won't lie by saying I wish we can fight through it and get better, but I am also realistic enough to know this is unlikely.

[Seraphim]

I have PTSD and found EMDR to be immensely helpful and I encourage it.

 

I could explain how it feels to have PTSD but unless you have it explanation is kind of useless .

[itsallgrand]

Are you saying he has never gotten a proper diagnosis yet? That he met with a psychologist for the first time this week and has yet to meet with a psychiatrist for the first time?

[Seraphim]

Are you saying he has never gotten a proper diagnosis yet? That he met with a psychologist for the first time this week and has yet to meet with a psychiatrist for the first time?

 

Yes , most mental health diagnosis can take several months.

[Anonyli00]

Yes. He has had therapy when he was young but never a diagnosis. We thought he just needed someone to talk to, but after the psychologist's visit and recommendation to see a psychiatrist, we've realized his problems are much more deep-seated.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. Unfortunately if this is what you want, it doesn't seem likely in your current situation.

I've matured and have been ready for marriage and a family for 3 years now

[ThatwasThen]

He realized he needed help and met with a psychologist for the first time this week, which is when we learnt that he might have these mental illnesses. He wants to get better and is seeking a psychiatrist for help.

Now that he's getting the help that he needs, why not get your own therapy to help you with any emotional turmoil you're going through and see how things are now that he's in treatment?

 

If he doesn't continue on in his treatment then I'd say yes, leave now but it seems rather bad timing (IMO) to leave him when he's finally getting the help he needs.

 

Perhaps with your own therapy or with reading up on the things he is suffering in, you'll be able to cope better with the knowledge and with seeing his improvement.

[katrina1980]

When describing Bipolar Disorder, I wish folks would differentiate between Bipolar I and II.

 

Huge difference between the two!

 

OP, if he's Bipolar I and not taking meds to manage his symptoms including severe mood swings (mania to depression and back again), then he is being completely irresponsible and I would leave him for that.

 

Best of luck.

[Anonyli00]

Now that he's getting the help that he needs, why not get your own therapy to help you with any emotional turmoil you're going through and see how things are now that he's in treatment?

 

If he doesn't continue on in his treatment then I'd say yes, leave now but it seems rather bad timing (IMO) to leave him when he's finally getting the help he needs.

 

Perhaps with your own therapy or with reading up on the things he is suffering in, you'll be able to cope better with the knowledge and with seeing his improvement.

 

I went to therapy yesterday. I've been struggling to figure out if I should stay in the relationship or leave. She basically said the likelihood he will change is slim, given he has history of this in the past. He's got too many issues and I need a partner that can be strong during rough times, otherwise I'll be living a life where I have to take care of everyone. She said if he is bipolar then he has to take meds, and if this is a phase then give it 4-6 weeks to see if he's made any progress and then I can make my decision.

 

Out of the 5-6yrs we've been together, this is the first time I've seen him break down like this. Usually he's just an introvert and doesn't like conflict, other than that we deal with life situations pretty well. I do know he can be sensitive and fearful. After confronting him, he said I don't understand him and that this only happens every 5 or 10yrs where has a really hard time and needs some time to get back to normal.

 

I know I have the right to leave. I am going to go with what the doctor said, and that my #1 priority is fertility because I want kids, and if it's not here then I need to leave. I have time to wait for that, but not much time. Also, what's concerning me a bit is if he has these mental illnesses then they are hereditary and can be past onto kids. I'm hoping in a few weeks I can make my decision.

[Seraphim]

Well, being bipolar and having adhd is hereditary , yes. HOWEVER, this does not mean that your child is doomed to having it . My father is bipolar one and neither me or my brother are . None of his grandchildren are bipolar . My husband has severe ADHD but he’s extremely successful and our only child does not have ADHD . Our only child however does have autism but we have no other autistic family members .

 

PTSD is not inherited but caused by trauma . And trauma and PTSD can be treated . I have had lots of treatment for PTSD and I am almost 1000 times better than I used to be . I still have symptoms but they are completely controllable .

[ThatwasThen]

She said if he is bipolar then he has to take meds, and if this is a phase then give it 4-6 weeks to see if he's made any progress and then I can make my decision.

I think this is a good idea. At least if you give it a chance after he's in treatment for a while (although I don't think a month is enough time but I'm not you) then if you do have to leave because you don't see any improvement then you'll know you at least gave him a chance to remedy so you'll not be feeling regret or guilt over your decision.

[Seraphim]

It usually takes 6 to 8 weeks for many meds to build enough in the blood and brain to make a difference.

[Seraphim]

ADHD is also not a mental illness but an issue with executive functioning, ie task completion. It can have comorbid mental illness due to how people who are neurodiverse are treated. My husband has comorbid OCD and GAD. Both of which are very successfully treated with medication and therapy .

[Anonyli00]

Thank you for your advice. 4 weeks is not much time, given it takes a while just to book an appointment with a psychiatrist. But, it should give me an idea on his progress.

 

His problems are affecting our relationship, passion has become a problem, and that to me is not a good sign. I may be able to deal with his depression, but the relationship needs to be strong otherwise I'd be fighting a losing battle. I don't want to settle. I also don't want to stay because I feel sorry for him.

[Seraphim]

Thank you for your advice. 4 weeks is not much time, given it takes a while just to book an appointment with a psychiatrist. But, it should give me an idea on his progress.

 

His problems are affecting our relationship, passion has become a problem, and that to me is not a good sign. I may be able to deal with his depression, but the relationship needs to be strong otherwise I'd be fighting a losing battle. I don't want to settle. I also don't want to stay because I feel sorry for him.

Well, most meds for depression and anxiety etc cause problems in the boudoir that is a fact. Because my husband has taken meds for 20 years he has those issues . And I went through menopause and could not care less about sex anymore . So we work well together. Married 24 years on Monday. ( together for 29)

[Anonyli00]

Well, most meds for depression and anxiety etc cause problems in the boudoir that is a fact. Because my husband has taken meds for 20 years he has those issues . And I went through menopause and could not care less about sex anymore . So we work well together. Married 24 years on Monday. ( together for 29)

 

A sexless relationship would be an issue for me. That would mean I'm settling. It would feel more like a friendship vs a partnership. I can do that for him w/o settling. He is not on meds so that's not the reason - his explanation is because he's scared of bringing kids into the world given he has his issues. One day he wants a family, the next he's afraid. Everybody has a fear of something, but when it starts to affect your life and those around you it becomes an issue.

[Seraphim]

A sexless relationship would be an issue for me. That would mean I'm settling. It would feel more like a friendship vs a partnership. I can do that for him w/o settling. He is not on meds so that's not the reason - his explanation is because he's scared of bringing kids into the world given he has his issues. One day he wants a family, the next he's afraid. Everybody has a fear of something, but when it starts to affect your life and those around you it becomes an issue.

 

I can assure you though we have much more than a friendship.

 

If he is afraid he should speak to a geneticist.

[itsallgrand]

It seems like you already made up your mind. He hasn't even gotten a diagnosis yet. It seems to me this is just the last thing for you.

If that's true, that's fine. But you can stop jumping the gun on your thinking about his issues and focus instead on exiting the relationship in the best way as possible for both of you.

Five years and having wanted to marry and start a family with him, you do want to be supportive of doing it in a way that's healthy for you both right? I'd speak to your therapist about that, and hold off any major talks until he's at least got a diagnosis and supports in place.

 

I'm a bit bias. I'm relating to your bf a lot here. I get trying to sludge through and being more or less functional in most ways, but knowing you aren't working with all your potential because it's blocked up with mental health issues. And I get it taking a long time to get the help you really need. And I get not wanting to get married nor have kids til those issues are dealt with and managed - why put that on others. So I wish him the best. And you.

[Anonyli00]

It seems like you already made up your mind. He hasn't even gotten a diagnosis yet. It seems to me this is just the last thing for you.

If that's true, that's fine. But you can stop jumping the gun on your thinking about his issues and focus instead on exiting the relationship in the best way as possible for both of you.

Five years and having wanted to marry and start a family with him, you do want to be supportive of doing it in a way that's healthy for you both right? I'd speak to your therapist about that, and hold off any major talks until he's at least got a diagnosis and supports in place.

 

I'm a bit bias. I'm relating to your bf a lot here. I get trying to sludge through and being more or less functional in most ways, but knowing you aren't working with all your potential because it's blocked up with mental health issues. And I get it taking a long time to get the help you really need. And I get not wanting to get married nor have kids til those issues are dealt with and managed - why put that on others. So I wish him the best. And you.

 

I thought I had made my choice. When I talk about it people encourage me to leave. What I want is to stay and work it out - that's the only reason why I stayed in the relationship for 5 - 6 years. But, I'm also being realistic to know if I stay the problems may continue to exist. I know I can't pressure him on marriage and kids, but I also shouldn't sacrifice what I want in life either. Sometimes you can love someone but the timing is just wrong. Maybe in 10 years he'll want all those things, but at that time it'll be too late for me.

 

I do appreciate all the advice and perspective on what he may be going through. I don't blame him for his issues, but it's fair to say I want more than what he's willing to offer. I don't want this to become a regret of why I didn't leave when I could have. Giving up the idea of parenthood is a big deal - that has to be a deal breaker.

[Wiseman2]

Agree. You will resent him if you stay. It's not about his breakdowns or mental illnesses. It's about being ready for kids and instead....you are taking care of him. It's been 5 years, you've wanted a family for the last three of those. That's the issue.

I am going to go with what the doctor said, and that my #1 priority is fertility because I want kids, and if it's not here then I need to leave.

[itsallgrand]

I thought I had made my choice. When I talk about it people encourage me to leave. What I want is to stay and work it out - that's the only reason why I stayed in the relationship for 5 - 6 years. But, I'm also being realistic to know if I stay the problems may continue to exist. I know I can't pressure him on marriage and kids, but I also shouldn't sacrifice what I want in life either. Sometimes you can love someone but the timing is just wrong. Maybe in 10 years he'll want all those things, but at that time it'll be too late for me.

 

I do appreciate all the advice and perspective on what he may be going through. I don't blame him for his issues, but it's fair to say I want more than what he's willing to offer. I don't want this to become a regret of why I didn't leave when I could have. Giving up the idea of parenthood is a big deal - that has to be a deal breaker.

 

Exactly, the incompatibility on marriage and kids is the deal breaker.

 

Good luck