Getting back with my ex wife

[abitbroken]

Your daughter is not dumb. She knows something is going on. she knows you are not on the sofa when she gets up in the middle of the night. She hears footsteps, door closes, she hears muffled speaking. She may deny it completely.

 

It just gets hard because they don't want me to move back home. They want me there.

 

You are a man married to someone else, whether you want your wife back or not. You need to leave. You need to be clear that you cannot stay because your ex wife is a married woman married to someone else and she is already cheating with you.

 

I suggest that you divorce your wife. If you really want her back - you need some skin in the game and you need to be serious. Right now, you are simply a cheater. Don't be surprised if she freaks out when you do and goes back with her husband. But it needs to be done if you will not longer reconcile with your current wife.

 

You need to go home. And you can take your daughter to sleep at your house some nights.

 

You can do it.

[christinax3]

Reason y she's an ex red flag and a husband omg

[TheOutlaw]

This relationship is toxic. Cut your losses with this woman and get your daughters in a better family envinronment. This relationship sounds scripted from Jerry Springer.

[crankshaft]

Your daughter is not dumb. She knows something is going on. she knows you are not on the sofa when she gets up in the middle of the night. She hears footsteps, door closes, she hears muffled speaking. She may deny it completely.

 

 

 

You are a man married to someone else, whether you want your wife back or not. You need to leave. You need to be clear that you cannot stay because your ex wife is a married woman married to someone else and she is already cheating with you.

 

I suggest that you divorce your wife. If you really want her back - you need some skin in the game and you need to be serious. Right now, you are simply a cheater. Don't be surprised if she freaks out when you do and goes back with her husband. But it needs to be done if you will not longer reconcile with your current wife.

 

You need to go home. And you can take your daughter to sleep at your house some nights.

 

You can do it.

I went home yesterday. It was tough, and still is tough, but I am back at my house. Maybe it is time to pick up a new hobby or something.

[crankshaft]

This is very good news. Step in the right direction! Stick to it!

I am gonna try my best. She hit me with the "I miss you" today. I miss her too, but I cant he there for her like that anymore right now. Its not good for my mental health.

[crankshaft]

Of course you miss one another. You want her, and to her you provide her with emotional security.

Stay on course, your own home. Be in your daughters lives, be a great dad, and try to detach and keep your emotional distance from her so that you keep your mind clear at all times. She needs to decide. It's you or him. Not both.

I agree. She wants to tell me about the fight they got into last night. She is also telling me today about the reasons she wants to stay with him. She is scared of losing her "normal" life, losing her home, losing him for whatever reason, what he will do without her, like he could go down a bad path. I only told her that at the end of the day, it's just a house and that she cant control what path he goes down when the time comes, that she needs to take care of herself and our daughters.

[crankshaft]

You are not her sounding board. She should not even discuss that with you. She has her own figuring out to do. Wanting to stay with him tells you what you need to know. Please , I know it's so very hard, but walk away from her.

I just look at her reasons and think wow, nothing in there talks about love, or missing g him, or wanting to actually be with him. My feelings for her aside, she doesn't need to be with him. Not even saying she should come back to me, just that she doesn't need to be with him.

[abitbroken]

I just look at her reasons and think wow, nothing in there talks about love, or missing g him, or wanting to actually be with him. My feelings for her aside, she doesn't need to be with him. Not even saying she should come back to me, just that she doesn't need to be with him.

 

Of course she is not going to say those things because she is talking to you - her fall back guy. This is seriously messed up. Go home. Yes you ARE saying she should come back to you - otherwise you would be at home, respecting their marriage.

[crankshaft]

Of course she is not going to say those things because she is talking to you - her fall back guy. This is seriously messed up. Go home. Yes you ARE saying she should come back to you - otherwise you would be at home, respecting their marriage.

I came home yesterday.

[MissCanuck]

It is ludicrous that she is even discussing her married life with you, OP. She needs to whine to her girlfriends, not her ex-husband.

 

She doesn't love you. She is using you as Plan B. Her attachment is clearly to him. If she loved you, she wouldn't be treating you this way.

[boltnrun]

I don't understand, why do you want to listen to her talk about wanting to stay with her husband?? Do you think somehow this will make her choose you??

[crankshaft]

Yeah I understand. I have a friend who's in a position like this, and she won't leave because she's afraid of what will happen to him without her. It's not healthy. It's emotionally draining, it's confusing, and it creates bad feelings.

 

Whether she needs him or not, she's going to do what she feels is right for her. And honestly I don't think she will divorce him. Protect yourself.

I know. As pathetic as it may sound. I will hold onto hope. Haven't been able to get over her for almost 4 years now.

[crankshaft]

I don't understand, why do you want to listen to her talk about wanting to stay with her husband?? Do you think somehow this will make her choose you??

I don't want to listen to her talk about it. This is stuff she sent to me on Facebook messenger.

[crankshaft]

You know, I felt that way for years over my first love. I moved on, married, divorced, I still always loved him. But the love changed. To this day I can say I love him. We are good friends but our lives are separate because we are all the way across the US from one another. And we are okay with just having the friendship. It doesn't stop us from living our lives or dating. We don't pine over one another, we just know we are special to one another and we are thankful for being able to be so close. But hope, no. If it happens one day, okay, if not, that's okay too. You have children together, you were both young, you made mistakes, you see her as "the one who got away." I think most of us have an ex we view that way.

 

You have to step away though. If she decides to divorce, then try. Right now, as it is, you're pushing her to stay with him by being so available to her. You might have to hold her in a soft corner of your heart, and move on.

She will always have a piece of my heart. I remember you telling me your story in my other thread. I have backed away and am trying to move forward with my life. She has sent me several texts telling me that she misses me, and several missing me type bitmoji's on snapchat. I'm still gonna have to see her every day for the next few weeks because I have the girls until she gets home from work. Last night, we had dinner with them at her house. She was kind of flirty, rubbing my leg under the table and what not. Drives me crazy!

[crankshaft]

Lol, this woman knows how to play it to keep you both hanging there. Not okay!

You need a new table, like the size of The Last Supper with Jesus, and sit on the far end lol

 

Don't reply to those emojis , be silent with it. For all you know she shows it to hubby making it look like you ate chasing her.

It's easy to delete her own to you and have a string of your msgs showing.

I am working on it. More I miss you's today and such. It's hard not to respond with it. I wish this woman did not have such a huge piece of my heart.

[abitbroken]

I am working on it. More I miss you's today and such. It's hard not to respond with it. I wish this woman did not have such a huge piece of my heart.

 

Maybe after awhile you don't ignore her - you set a boundary or a line in the sand and say "i got your texts, but I did not respond. I understand how you feel, but you are married and so am I. Its not appropriate to send me texts that you are missing me. I have thought long and hard, and i won't help you cheat on you husband." And you stay home, unless you are there to pick up the daughter or be with the daughter while your ex is not home. And how does that work with custody? Do you share custody of her even though she is not yours biologically and even though her mom remarried?

 

If there should come a time when you ACTUALLY get divorced, and she decides to divorce, and time after that passes, who knows -- but you are also toying with her in the same way, because you are married, also.

[MissCanuck]

OP, why not just do as abitbroken suggested, and tell her directly that this behaviour has got to stop?

 

As long as you're still permitting it without really saying anything, you're tacitly giving her permission to continue messing you around.

[chitown9]

Crankshaft, there is a movie on YOUTUBE that is free entitled, "The Ron Clark Story." It is a really good movie. There is a sub plot to it that I think you could identify with and learn from. Please watch this movie. I believe it will help you immensely, and the bonus is that it is an excellent movie and free to boot. chi

[Chelsea54]

Boundaries!! Wth. How does this look to your three daughters? How are YOU making their mother look? How do YOU look to the daughters? Get a really great pillow to snuggle and buy her one too and sleep in different places. They are looking at the two of you--you got divorced; marriage is unstable. Both parents got remarried and both 2nd marriages falling apart at the same time; marriage is unstable. Parents sleeping in the same bed, then stepdad comes back and sleeps in mom's bed. Now dad goes back home to 2nd wife and then dad comes back to the house. It sounds absolutely crazy!!!! If you can't stay with your current wife--then go stay with a friend or get a hotel room. If you absolutely can only go back to your 1st wife's house, then you're on the couch, a $40 blow up mattress on the floor or the bath tub. Think of your children. Let her work out her 2nd marriage separately from you. You're getting ready to be each other's 2nd rebound!! If that happens it's going to fall apart too; which is going to crush your children--again. Be more mature.

[Chelsea54]

I agree with abitbroken and MissCanuck.

[crankshaft]

Boundaries!! Wth. How does this look to your three daughters? How are YOU making their mother look? How do YOU look to the daughters? Get a really great pillow to snuggle and buy her one too and sleep in different places. They are looking at the two of you--you got divorced; marriage is unstable. Both parents got remarried and both 2nd marriages falling apart at the same time; marriage is unstable. Parents sleeping in the same bed, then stepdad comes back and sleeps in mom's bed. Now dad goes back home to 2nd wife and then dad comes back to the house. It sounds absolutely crazy!!!! If you can't stay with your current wife--then go stay with a friend or get a hotel room. If you absolutely can only go back to your 1st wife's house, then you're on the couch, a $40 blow up mattress on the floor or the bath tub. Think of your children. Let her work out her 2nd marriage separately from you. You're getting ready to be each other's 2nd rebound!! If that happens it's going to fall apart too; which is going to crush your children--again. Be more mature.

I totally understand everything you are saying. They don't know that we have slept together in the same bed. I would make it look like I was on the couch and get up before they did. My kids would have said something if they suspected it. They don't hold back, thats for sure. I am back at my house. My "wife" is in and out. She only wants to stay here if we are sleeping together at night, and I do not want that at all. Don't get me wrong, she is a good woman, just not good for me.

[chrissyh23]

I have a question why do you think it will work this time around? Have addressed the issues that became too much for your marriage then? I am in no way trying to be rude ir disrespectful towards your goals.

I just don't understand how sure you can be of wanting your ex back when it didnt work the first time. I can u understand becoming close friends and confidants. But to dive into a relationship that you already failed once takes guts. It really does. I admire your optimistic outlook. Its refreshing. I wish you all the best I really do.

But also you may want to close yourself of a little until ur ex is absolutely sure she and her soon to be ex are finished. I would hate you to have your heart broken over something you can neither be angry about or didnt see coming. He is still technically her husband so just close yourself off a little.

Also if you arent completely confident in your exs feeling and commitment maybe you you should go home for a couple days. Allow her to evaluate her feelings and feel confident in what she decides.

 

Good luck!!

[boltnrun]

Um...yeah, about the kids and not knowing...we pulled that one on our parents too. We absolutely, 110% knew exactly what was going on. You just think they don't know and you just think they would say something if they knew. I guarantee my parents thought we kids were clueless too.

 

Kids are smart. Yours too.

[Chelsea54]

The kids know that you're sleeping in the same bed.

My kids knew that I was trying to fake them out when I was sleeping on the couch while we were approaching divorce and making it look like I just got out of bed with dad. Kids know and they say it in different ways, tummy/head aches, needing more attention, etc. Put your energy into helping your daughter instead. Show up like parents with combined support for her. She cannot deal with whatever is going on with the musical beds.