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Is my relationship positive? Is she worth it?


Bremjo96

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Hi, this is my first time posting here and I could really use some advice. :) I am a 21year old male living with my 27year old girlfriend (Sarah - fake name) and her 10year old son (Sam - fake name). Basically I just wanted some advice as to whether or not my relationship of 3 years is worth continuing or is it time to call it quits.

 

Sarah left school when she was 16 and moved out of home to live with her older boyfriend who she spent 5years and had Sam with along with many other sexual experiences. As soon as this relationship ended she was with another guy for 5years who she then left for me when we met at university in Sydney.

 

At the time I had just finished year 12 and was studying a bachelors full time, she was studying a masters full time also and we lived on a campus college together where we met. We went out with friends one night and that's how we met. Probably about 1month into the relationship she left her boyfriend for me I only just found out after this that she was engaged to him! If I had of known I probably wouldn't have gotten involved, but it was too late now so I continued the relationship. We had a couple of fights here and there nothing to serious, overall it was going well. Two years in she was finishing her degree and moving back to Adelaide. Long story short I ended up taking a risk and moving with her. I ended up getting a job and working for a year and then got more involved with her son who I had know about, but she had left for 2years while she studied with her parents! It was fine, and we got along. She also got incredibly demanding that I get involved in her horse riding hobby which she was only just restarting now she was back in Adelaide. I wasn't really that interested but tried to make an effort and it was going ok but after a couple of bad experiences like my first horse dying and our replacement horse being an expensive dud, I haven't ridden for about a month now and don't want too. Yet somehow she still pushes her horse stuff, like trimmings, feed collection, and vet stuff to me, ie. I do a lot of maintenance she does all the play. And it is becoming the same thing at home. She messaged this to me yesterday.

 

Sarah:

 

Sarah's schedule

Mon - Thursday. 6:30am until 6:00pm return (AVG). Portion of after-school hours for work related tasks due to holding two positions. Bed 10pm. ~ 3 hours for dinner, shower and free time.

 

Mon will soon incl puppy pre-school & Wednesday will be dog training. So less time on these days. Would like to be riding one extra weekday as well.

 

Friday - 7:45am until 6:00pm return (typically working over). Organise TARDIS floating. Bed 11:30pm.

 

Saturday - Small sleep in until 8:30am, horses riding 9:30-11:30 (incl tack up and pack up). Breaktime. Ice skating at 7:30pm until late.

 

Sunday - riding club, sometimes a few hours and other times until late (4pm+) then arrange for Tardis return.

 

 

What Sarah has capacity to do:

- Clean toilet every few days

- ‎Assist with folding clothes if 5-10minutes done daily

- ‎Put dishes straight into dishwasher (if ready)

- ‎Make 1-2 dinners a week, e.g. Friday and Sunday night. And happy to ' fend for self' when Brad has lates.

- ‎Assist with yard and gardening tasks as needed

- ‎Attend shopping and provide input into family meal planning

- ‎Manage finances, bills, and filing

 

Bradley jobs:

- Dinner when not on too late

- ‎Daily kitchen dishwasher on at night, empty in morning & wipe benches.

- ‎Rotate clothes through wash and dryer, daily ready for folding. Then put away.

- ‎Weekly house 1-2 hour house clean incl. Wet dusting (shelves, skirting, doors, switches), bathroom, floors, kitchen fronts/trouble areas (e.g. wipe down inside fridge). (Set a timer!)

- ‎TRACK and organise key appointments (list and diary) e.g., vet, car service, return of daily products, repair services etc. Update Sarah re: costs.

- ‎TRACK & manage small home Reno projects (table install, paint fascia, repair gutter, fix door handle etc)

- (In my opinion basically everything other than feeding them when I'm not at home, even then it is kind of expected ~ Bradley)

 

Sam

- dog poo

- ‎empty dishwasher

- ‎vaccuum (with electric vacuum)

 

Now, she works full time, but I have started studying again and continue working after supporting us for 1 year, and take care of all things related to Sam (she says she makes him do his homework but she really just yells out across the house to him and I come home to an empty book. Not only this but Sam has autism (so does Sarah, both 'high functioning) and can barely get himself ready for school in the morning the only chore I can struggle to get him to do is picking up dog poo. It would be more work for me to get him to do anything else.

She also has complete financial control as the house we have been paying off belongs to her and we are not married. And is very manipulative. We also only have sex now about once every month and a half or so, usually longer and she complains it is too effort full and she feels uncomfortable around it, even though she was until a year ago always wanting sex, more than me even.

 

Also should note, I have given up seeing a lot of my old friends and family to be with Sarah. The plan is/was to eventually move back to NSW but everytime she brings up buying property or land (for horses) she is always looking in SA. Also, she does not want any more kids and I would like to keep that option available for the moment, but also fear having children in the future with her for sake of her past history with significant others, and her children, as well as the possibility of them having autism too. (obviously I don't think less of people with autism, but if you had the choice of having or not having it, you would choose to not have it). We also have not had any sort of holiday in the time we've been together, she doesn't like going out to new places she hasn't been to before with people other than me. So any new places for dates are usually off the table, and we don't share the same financial goals. She focuses almost entirely on just having her horses and a place for them. I want to have a house and eventual invest having money to go on holiday, but also to retire one day whereas she doesn't seem to factor these two things in. I just feel like a slave with her.

 

The main things that have been holding me here in Adelaide with her is the fact it would be a huge adjustment period again, I don't have much in the way of personal assets, I'm unsure of what a life without her would be like, and I would be living with my parents again which would really just feel humiliating.

 

As I've been writing this I have just been feeling more and more naive. I really feel like I have reached the end of the rope in this relationship and am getting ready to prepare to leave and move back in with my parents in NSW. I would really appreciate anyone's advice as to what they think I should do or what they think of the situation. Thank you so, much I look forward to hearing your responses. :)

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You started this relationship when you were 18. At 21 you are still very much figuring out who you are and what you want. And suddenly being a full time parent, moving away and bending your life completely around your partner isn't giving you any time or space to figure out what you even want.

 

It sounds like you know it's time to leave so do it. Don't let this relationship that isn't working drag out any longer. It's unfair to her and her kid.

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Wow. She is incredible demanding and controlling. Maybe it was because she had no control in her previous relationships, but she's treating you more like a servant than a boyfriend. The reason you're writing in is because you're being emotionally abused and you're feeling the results. Do you guys have sex and does she always initiate it? Just asking.

 

You're only 21 and you're being treated like a 50-year-old henpecked husband. I don't see any way you can get out of this except by leaving. Sorry. But it doesn't sound like much of a life.

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At this point, this would be your best option. It's just not working out with her and her son.

I really feel like I have reached the end of the rope in this relationship and am getting ready to prepare to leave and move back in with my parents in NSW.
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Hi, I just wanted to say thanks to everyone confirming what I was already kind of thinking. I'm thinking of ending it at the end of this uni semester, about 6weeks. I know it's a while considering, but I just don't feel like I can afford to neglect my studies after all of this and put myself another 6months behind. I do feel guilty about this, but I feel like it would be silly for me to waste all that time and money spent at university, not to mention that whole year between studying. Thinking of applying for a university in NSW, next week to prepare to continue. I just hope I'm doing the right thing and can manage it.

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To DanZee probably wouldn't normally respond to that sort of question, but because you've all been so helpful. No, it has always been me initiating it for at least the past 6-9months. She just seems to have completely lost interest, and always complain of pains after obviously I have tried to work out a solution but she hasn't really been that keen. Thanks.

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I think you need to concentrate on school.

I think whether this is a good relationship or not is up to you - if you don't like it, leave, but don't pin this on "she makes bad choices and is bad for me" -- you made all these choices for yourself and need to decide to stay or go.

The schedule sounds like you are a longtime married couple.

If Sarah works two jobs she is not "all play"

 

Pets are a responsibility and Sarah SHOULD concentrate on being able to afford to be able to house the horse - even if she has to rent because she has taken on that repsonsibility.

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