My fiancee went crazy....the whole story, written like a novel. Please advice

[reinventmyself]

But you’re right, I tend to put up with too much crap from the good looking girls. And you’re absolutely right I do feel a bit intimidated. Not all the time. I know I have enough qualities to be considered a keeper. The 2 abuse cases are actually very similar. 2 good looking girls, 2 first class golddiggers, 2 times they liked my character, 2 times they liked the call of money more than the emotional comfort. And 2 times I tried to hold on to what once was....instead of just cutting the crap and keep my dignity.

My oldest son is the same way. He will not settle for anything less than the most beautiful girl in the room. They end up being the most challenging.

I suppose when someone is that good looking they rest on their laurels rather than spending any time developing their character.

He's been through the wringer a couple times. I'm not sure he's learned his lesson quite yet.

[Azazelbe]

But you’re right, I tend to put up with too much crap from the good looking girls. And you’re absolutely right I do feel a bit intimidated. Not all the time. I know I have enough qualities to be considered a keeper. The 2 abuse cases are actually very similar. 2 good looking girls, 2 first class golddiggers, 2 times they liked my character, 2 times they liked the call of money more than the emotional comfort. And 2 times I tried to hold on to what once was....instead of just cutting the crap and keep my dignity.

My oldest son is the same way. He will not settle for anything less than the most beautiful girl in the room. They end up being the most challenging.

I suppose when someone is that good looking they rest on their laurels rather than spending any time developing their character.

He's been through the wringer a couple times. I'm not sure he's learned his lesson quite yet.

 

Make him read my thread....it might make look at things in a different perspective.

That being said, it doesn't mean all beautiful girls are crazy or demanding by definition

[Blank State]

I'd also suggest that you stop blaming her and start taking some serious responsibility for your own insanely poor choices and decisions. She showed you who she is. You proposed to a woman who physically attacked you. That right there should have been a wake up call for you to immediately dump her and walk away. You didn't. Better figure out why not. How low is your self respect that you will tolerate violence and physical abuse? Sane people do not act like her. What plans can you talk about or make with someone like that? Come on......

I don't know. I stayed with a girl who was really hot and was really adventurous in bed, but would blow up on me and smack me at any moment no matter where we were or what we were doing. It could have been on the street or in a busy restaurant. But I laughed it off because she was tiny and couldn't hit hard at all. I should have known something was up because she was way better looking than what I was used to getting. I put up with it for a while because she turned me on so much. But I never would have married her. And I eventually left her. So I can kind of see where this guy is coming from.

 

When emotions are twisted up, sometimes the obvious answer isn't so easy to execute. It takes time. He eventually realized what the reality was.

[Azazelbe]

I don't know. I stayed with a girl who was really hot and was really adventurous in bed, but would blow up on me and smack me at any moment no matter where we were or what we were doing. It could have been on the street or in a busy restaurant. But I laughed it off because she was tiny and couldn't hit hard at all. I should have known something was up because she was way better looking than what I was used to getting. I put up with it for a while because she turned me on so much. But I never would have married her. And I eventually left her. So I can kind of see where this guy is coming from.

 

When emotions are twisted up, sometimes the obvious answer isn't so easy to execute. It takes time. He eventually realized what the reality was.

 

Partially such girls probably have some kind of disorder like DancingFool states. Because she's right, abuse is NEVER ok, not even in case of cheating or such and definitely not for any random minor reason.

People who don't get that, feel no guilt afterwards or even blame you have a problem. There's no way of beating around the bush, they just have.

 

Partially those gorgeous looking people are just miseducated by people like us Blank State. We are the ones who stick around, don't file complaints and even come crawling back like me. Beauty and good sex should never be an excuse to hit someone. But still we tend to forgive them. Which might give them the impression it's ok to act like this and makes them do it again.

Should I have made that clear after the first time? Probably. Would it have helped? I don't know. She might have behaved for a while and exploded any time later. She might have decided to take the easy way and leave me. Which probably would have resulted in me crawling back so that would have taken us back to the beginning. Why is this all so difficult?

 

And yeah, part of me knew all the time this wasn't normal behaviour. That part was even thinking: should I even ask her to marry me (which should have been a giant red flag already) but inside a relationship I'm mostly wearing this huge blindfold and believe in the fairy tale outcome and be happily ever after. It's not that easy either to leave someone because of the bad things. There's always good stuff as well, there was her family who I got along with so well and still miss. The kids of her sister used to hug me all the time. I played with them all the time. And kids are honest. If you spend time with them...they like you

[Azazelbe]

Small update:

 

Where am I now?

I think I'm starting to realize quite well this could never have worked. I shouldn't cry or feel sad because the relationship with her is over. She treated me like crap, she abused me and I felt like a cow being milked for money all the time. Even feeling guilty if I bought something for myself. If not now, the bomb would have exploded after we got married. Maybe I would have only realized in 5 years and by then maybe there would have been a chance anymore to become a father...

 

That being said, I do still feel sad about some other stuff.

Being alone again is just so hard. I'm a very social person and can't stand being by myself all the time. My friends are there some days but I can't claim them all the time. I was used to either cuddle in the couch or go bowling with the kids....and no it's all gone. I do miss that so much.

Also, I just can't stand the fact she's having a blast with the new guy and I'm just so easily forgotten. It makes me feel worthless... I'm just that 'accident' in her life that should be forgotten asap. I can't understand how one day she was crying to see me and the next day is just coldhearted because she met this new rich guy.

I can't stand the fact taht probably she told a lot of people a lot of crap about me. Just lies. There's just no way she will have told people the truth. So, what did she tell them? That I hit the children or anything? It just keeps buzzing in my head. I don't want people to give me the eye...

And I do feel like I'm a failure....for not being is as succesful as her ex or the new guy. I made a good career but I'm not the big entrepreneur she wants to be with.

 

To help me get over those things some friends advized to go to a psycho therapist.

Talking helps.

I did but I made a mistake.... When she told me she would do anything to make it up I told her I wanted her to go to a therapist. She claimed she did this. First 2 weeks she she said she had been asked to fill in a paper with some questions and afterwards the results would be analysed and this would give her more insights why she acted the way she did. Then she met the new guy and got rude to me. Whe I asked if she had the results in she said she was perfectly sane and she behaved like this because of external factors (me). I just can't believe a therapist would say it's ok to hit if it's fueled by external factors. So either she went 2 times and then just stopped or didn't go at all.

So guess where I booked a session.....yeah, the same group cabinet. I know they can't reveal anything at all about other patients. So no idea why I even went there. Maybe I hoped they would say: 'you're not crazy, she never came here'. Like I'm seeking too much for confirmation.

 

Well, the whole thing wasn't a success anyway. The therapist was a 20-something year old girl. Of course, it was an intake session and I did most of the talking. Telling the whole story as mentioned here. Telling her the issues I still struggle with and telling the facts that Dancingfool told me and maybe I should work on. So, I was the open book and giving her all the info. I felt like she didn't know what to say in any way.

Posting here had much more effect on me than going with the therapist. You guys made better conclusions. And Dancingfool might have given me the wake-up call I needed. I don't need the soft version where everybody just comforts me but people who make sane conclusions, tell me how to move on and kick my butt a bit.

I actually left her cabinet rather frustrated. Maybe I expected too much of it or maybe she's just no good fit for me. I was actually expecting myself to break and cry and let go of everything....but it was the opposite.

What should I do?

Continue seeing her?

Try to find an older, more experienced therapist?

Or just move on and not go at all anymore?

[DancingFool]

Well...therapy is a bit like the many roads to Rome kind of a thing. You do need to find the therapist and the approach that actually jives with you personally. So I'd encourage you to try someone else until you find someone whose approach actually resonates with you. That said, try to go in without certain set expectations of how it will go. Be more open minded, think more like a blank slate. Reason being that when you go into anything at all in life with set expectations, you will walk away disappointed every single time. Now if you go in without expectations and you walk out irritated rather than relieved, seek someone else. No question about that. Each therapist tends to adopt a certain approach that resonates with them, but that doesn't mean it will resonate with you. You need to find the right combo for yourself.

 

Btw, I will take you up on that drink if you find yourself in Texas....lol.......

[Azazelbe]

Well...therapy is a bit like the many roads to Rome kind of a thing. You do need to find the therapist and the approach that actually jives with you personally. So I'd encourage you to try someone else until you find someone whose approach actually resonates with you. That said, try to go in without certain set expectations of how it will go. Be more open minded, think more like a blank slate. Reason being that when you go into anything at all in life with set expectations, you will walk away disappointed every single time. Now if you go in without expectations and you walk out irritated rather than relieved, seek someone else. No question about that. Each therapist tends to adopt a certain approach that resonates with them, but that doesn't mean it will resonate with you. You need to find the right combo for yourself.

 

Btw, I will take you up on that drink if you find yourself in Texas....lol.......

 

Hello DancingFool,

 

Well, I googled a bit and made an appointment with another psycho therapist later today.

This time it's an older guy, with lots of experience, who also wrote several books about therapy.

I feel more confident this guy will be what I need.

I do hope he's a bit like you actually. I know the first intake session will be me telling my story but I hope he'll be the 'cut the crap and kick my ass, tell me straight to my face' kinda guy. I think that's what helps best for me.

I'll keep you posted.

 

About that drink....sure, I'll PM you. I'll be in the US again maybe next year, let's see how my personal situation evolves, but I was planning on going to California and/or Kentucky. Texas is right in between if I'm not mistaken.

[Azazelbe]

Update:

 

- I went to the new therapist. This was an experienced and older guy. I felt much more at ease. While I was talking he sometimes shook his head in disbelief. When I was finished and had said everything his conclusion was made pretty fast. I'm absolutely normal and sane. She is a very unstable person and nobody could live with someone like this. It was just a confirmation of what I knew and felt but it came from a professional, so it had a bit more impact. What was important for me was that he said that her behaviour is something money can suppress maybe for a while but sooner or later will rise again. So that probably she'll have episodes like she had with the new guy too. I shouldn't for the sake of the kids, but I still do hope she'll end up lonely and miserable.

 

- My friends don't believe she ever had her hunting license. Where I live you can't just apply for one. You need to take a thorough theoretical and practical exam and only about 25% succeeds. When you do it's like you're privileged, you can even buy hunting rifles faster than in the US, instantly in the shop. They don't need to do a background check because your license proves you passed it and you have theroretical knowledge and you're a good shot. On the other hand, the slightest missdemeanor and they take it away again. Guns are not normal here, they only trust the sane and intelligent people with them.

I never saw her hunting. She joined me and had all the clothes etc but never shot herself. Her father is a hunter so I can see why she's into it. But she's a terrible shot. She's righthanded but has her master-eye left...meaning she doesn't shoot where she aims. She can only shoot wearing a pirate patch. But I never ever saw this. Now, I explained you need to be a good shot to pass your exam, so she said she failed the shooting test but because of her handicap and no pirate patches at hand they let her pass anyway. Now, in the beginning of the relation she said she had a court case because of a car accident where she had been drinking a bit too much. Court's ruling: she list her driver's license for a couple of weeks and the judge took her hunting license....for indefinite time. Now, seeing her handling a gun, when we gave onbe without shot in it, made us all think she was absolutely not experienced with guns, regardless of the eye-problem. Safety is priority number 1 during the exams, so I had some thoughts.... She always said however, she took her exam the same year I did. The lists of the people who pass are online. Her name is not there, not the same year, not the year before, not the year after. The only 2 ways you're name is not on there is either you didn't pass the exam (or never took it) or if you explicitly asked in advance to not have your name published. The latter....she would never have done.

I know a guy who is in the exam committee, I'll ask him to check if she ever took the exam. If not, it means she lied from the 1st day about this and made up this crazy story about her losing the license because of the Judge etc.... How sick is that??? Why would someone ever lie about such a thing. Many times she was crying because she couldn't hunt anymore, now it seems like she never even did. All the pictures I saw from her...she never carried a firearm. She was only a beater. There's no shame in that at all, why would you make something up abou that?

 

- Who did pass the exam the same year however??? Her new boyfriend.

Also, a friend found out she commented his facebookposts already 3 years ago...so she knows him for a long time. Even before she was in the alcohol business.

 

- Yesterday after 6 days of NC she texted me:

-Hellooooooo, how are you doing?

I didn't reply.....following everyone's advice here.

Few hours later she sent again:

- ????

- Very mature

- You can keep the BBQ you stole from my garage

- You can delete my number

- Thumbs up emoticon

 

I know and was told by many she's probably trying to boast her ego by checking up on me. If I asnwer it will make her feel powerful.

I didn't and it actually made me feel good she was getting obviously pissed off.

So NC is indeed the way to go with a situation like this.

About the BBQ, when I was there last time to pick up my last stuff I took whatever was mine from the garage, including the BBQ we both paid half for. She claimed afterwards I stole it. Now I feel like cutting it in half and throw it over the fence in her garden.

 

- All the above seems like I'm getting better and I'm trying to get over it.

But I went home this noon for lunch.....and I have to pass the new guy's house to get home, as he lives very close to my work office. And I saw her car there....at his house. I cried.....it's like a knife in my heart....

[Wiseman2]

Stop taking the bait and block and delete her. From everything. All social media. All messaging apps.

[tattoobunnie]

She will say anything to bait you. Don't bite!

 

You are doing good. Dating a crazy or bad person really makes you question yourself and your choices. You just have to remember, it happens to the BEST OF US!

 

Next time, don't sleep with a person till you get to know them. Sex can cloud and put rose tinted glasses on you. You are doing good! Keep it up!

[Azazelbe]

She will say anything to bait you. Don't bite!

 

You are doing good. Dating a crazy or bad person really makes you question yourself and your choices. You just have to remember, it happens to the BEST OF US!

 

Next time, don't sleep with a person till you get to know them. Sex can cloud and put rose tinted glasses on you. You are doing good! Keep it up!

 

Thanks for the thumbs up.

 

Well, I am doing a bit better.

On the other hand I sometimes have a down...like yesterday I just started crying while driving home after visiting my parents....

But I think it's more because of the loneliness.

By the way, I hate this happens....but I guess it's just a phase I have to go through.

 

So, more importantly, what caused me to feel better?

 

Reading some comments of some here saying she must have borderline.

Well, sure I heard about this but what it exactly was....no idea.

So I started to do some research. And dear, how many of those criteria did in fact match her, waw.

Only the suicide treathening or the self-mutulation never happened or atr least I never saw it.

So I decided to learn more about BPD and by doing found out that there's a book especially written for partners of BPD people.

It's called 'Stop Walking on eggshells'. I'm going to get it from the library tomorrow.

Walking on eggshells, that's exactly the feeling I had when dealing with her.

 

But then I came accross this website, also mostly for partners of BPD patients.

There was an article about How to deal with things when you're BPD partner left you.

OH MY GOD, this was an epiphany!!!!

This was exactly what I experienced. It's just mindblowing how accurate this is.

 

All of your comments on here helped me a lot.

But even most say 'stop, go NC, she's crazy' you don't want to believe it, still think it's your fault (as she said), still think where and what you could have done things differently so she would have stayed, you think you're the crazy one etc etc.

But this was like this page was written for me explicitely!!

It opened my eyes completely she's quite f'ked up and I'm not the one to blame.

I was just obsessed by her, that's what they just do.

He having another that fast made me think she never loved me....but that's what they do apparently.

Again, it takes some time to read but each and every step is exactly what I went through.

It seems the Modus Operandi of borderline women is just very similar each time.

 

It's such a shame I could only find this on 1 single site.

I'm not saying BPD are bad people but they sure destroy their partners.

They make them insecure and physically ill. That's why it's important to read this.

It literally says we don't want to hear things like 'plenty of fish in the see' or 'she's crazy, you're not'. We still see our ex as the only love ever in our lifes and we still believe we are the crazy ones and the ones to blame, like our BPD-partner wanted to make us believe.

 

I will make a seperate thread about this site.

Because it helped me an awful lot, so it certainly may help others suffering from a BPD-partner break up as well.

 

http://www.sharischreiber.com/anycost.html

 

If you have the time please do read it.

It will give you such an insight in my head and probably of many more out here, thinking they're crazy and looking for help to soften their incredible suffering.

[Azazelbe]

Hello,

 

Ready for another crazy episode??

 

I've been NC since 6th of April.

Reading the article mentioned in the post above made me actually feel a lot better.

 

But last night at 3 AM I woke u by the constant buzzing of my mobile phone.

I was receiving a lot of LinkedIn messages....from her.

She had found a new way to contact me....although she never uses LinkedIn.

 

The texts said:

- Hahahaha, I found out so much about you. Your so-called friends told me you're in debt for Thousand of euros.

- Even more than 10.000 €

- And some of it you owe to a notary

- Aren't you ashamed?

- And also, you're not loyal at all

- You had a relation with another girl while we were together

- Since 5 years now you haven't paid back a cent of that money

- Your friends call you a thief, a and a golddigger

- Isn't that funny?

- Karma

 

?!

The truth: I don't think I've been with a filthy rich girl, that debunks the golddigger

I've never stolen (ok, maybe some sweets from the candy store when I was 8)

I haven't cheated on her, not even flirting with someone.

I have no debts, not 1 euro, except for my mortgage....which sounds normal.

 

So, you would say, completelt crazy. However, end of 2011 a befriended notary who's also a cigar-lover gave me the opportunity of buying the missing cigar boxes in my collection. As I couldn't pay for them at once he agreed on my paying with installments. The sum was just over 10.000 €. By April 2013 (5 years ago) all was paid. In the meantime I have sold them again with great profit. So either this is a huge coincidence or someone I know and heard about this talked with her. Anyway, none of the above assumptions are correct.

 

Of course, I didn't reply, but made printscreens of everything to store proof.

 

This morning when I wanted to block her on LinkedIn (which I did) I noticed some new profile was following me. I checked the notification and it was a new profile named ' F' with F being my name written in full.

?!?!

I took printscreens and reported the profile to LinkedIn.

 

Who is that crazy that she would take the effort of creating a new profile at 3 AM called F?????

And why? Craving for attention?

 

I've been thinking a lot about the BPD abonden-issues.

She rarely said 'don't leave me' but what she has is insomnia whenever I wasn't around.

If I was there she slept like a baby.

When I was on a business trip she was a wreck by the time I got home, she hadn't slept all of these days.

 

So probably mister new-loverboy had to go away for his work or met with friends and she has the same issues, not being able to sleep.

So why not herrassing your ex boyfriend??

 

She had serious issues....

[Azazelbe]

Well the auto-fitter filtered out an important thing.

 

The profile she created on LinkedIn begins with WH and sound like Core.

Followed by my name