I have no idea who I am

[samspruce]

I guess this could have been posted in the 'Personal Growth' forum, but I digress...

 

I am in a weird situation.

 

I have a mental illness that effects my entire being. I am wide open to the influence of others' energy and my perception of their perception of me. It effects how I move, when I talk, when I don't; what I say, and what I am deathly afraid to say -- sometimes I literally have no control over my movements or my speech.

 

When I am at my most 'comfortable' (AKA when I just give in to my mental illness), I am WIDE open, responding positively to everybody, despite those people taking advantage of me by talking behind my back, connecting over my faults. Then I can lash out when it serves me the worst and gets me ostracized (though I have learned my lesson here). People can sense that I am in scarcity, and based on previous events, my friends will shoot me down for the things I want/need. I am at the bottom of the totem pole.

 

I am in need of a job, and one of my friends has that particular opening, but unless I can step up to the plate and be a '' so-to-speak when I am most scared, I won't get it. Unless I manipulate the emotions of others (or maybe it is just standing up for myself -- keep in mind I am very emotionally intuitive), I am at the bottom, and people dont take my requests or what I really need into consideration. And after I do this, it doesn't always feel good, but it is the path for my 'success'. Keep in mind I am 28 -- is this what 'growing up' really is?

 

I have thought about abandoning all the pursuits society deems important (money, career, recognition), and living a life of really examining what this demon inside of me is, why it is here, maybe what it has to teach me. But I don't know. There is a deep-down belief that life is supposed to be loving, and you are supposed to be loving back. Not play this game of influence at the expense of real relationships. But again, this schizophrenic-like mental illness (based on previous trauma) makes it impossible for me to know the right path, and probably even form those relationships.

 

Regardless, I need advice, or just someone to shoot ideas at me so I can figure some things out.

 

If I was in a different state of my mind this post would have a completely different tone, but still the same questions. I have no idea what to do.

[SooSad33]

** from one challenged soul - to another**

 

If you are dealing with this 'schizo-type' mental illness and are having a really rough time... I suggest some prof help if you havent done so. And med's are known to help one 'even out' a bit with these kinds of mixed emotions & confusion.

 

Don't thinnk many on here can really ' help' you out with this.

 

Re: your friends... I say a lot is 'all in the mind'.

re: work, I suggest you make sure you're dealing with those inner demons well before seeking a job.

 

You might want to do some group therapy or do art therapy etc.

[DanZee]

If things are what you say, you need to work with a therapist to guide you to try to control some of your impluses and overcome other impulses. You should also explore whether you're eligible for disability payments and public housing. I think you really need someone who can see how you act and interact with you to assess your range of problems and see what can be done to help you.

[Capricorn3]

Have you been diagnosed by a medical professional? What do they say? Or is this self-diagnosis?

[Vanishing Girl]

I tried pm’ing you but it wouldn’t go through so here goes:

 

I resonate with so much of your post I could’ve written it myself (or could have at one time) and I think I have some info that might help you, but can I ask for clarification on some of what you wrote?

 

I have walked away from what I believed society says we all should want...the money, the house, etc. and the focus has been on be trying to figure my out. The closer I get to the answer the more I wonder if all the space I’ve created between me and others is really why I feel so disconnected from others and myself (others because I always took on their and myself because I never knew/connected with me since I was so outwardly focused).

 

For me it had to do with childhood trauma and being a highly sensitive person. Look it up.

 

Therapy-both group and individual, alanon, energy work, intensive body work and massage along with years and years of self reflection and purposely pushing to figure it out helps.

 

Want to proceed?

[samspruce]

Before I continue, I'd like to say thanks for all the responses guys.

 

Yes, I have seen multiple professionals (and still do), I am on medication (an anti-psychotic), and I have PTSD/psychosis/schizo-like mental illness on top somatoform disorder.

 

I tried pm’ing you but it wouldn’t go through so here goes:

 

I resonate with so much of your post I could’ve written it myself (or could have at one time) and I think I have some info that might help you, but can I ask for clarification on some of what you wrote?

 

I have walked away from what I believed society says we all should want...the money, the house, etc. and the focus has been on be trying to figure my out. The closer I get to the answer the more I wonder if all the space I’ve created between me and others is really why I feel so disconnected from others and myself (others because I always took on their and myself because I never knew/connected with me since I was so outwardly focused).

 

For me it had to do with childhood trauma and being a highly sensitive person. Look it up.

 

Therapy-both group and individual, alanon, energy work, intensive body work and massage along with years and years of self reflection and purposely pushing to figure it out helps.

 

Want to proceed?

 

Yes I am HSP. And yes I've created massive boundaries between me and everybody else. I feel like if people knew the real me they would be pushing me to work more, and I f'ing hate work for works sake.

 

I've thought about being more vulnerable, but where does that lead me, but more despair...? (not sure here.)

 

If I remain anonymous, at least people don't offer their suggestions and push me to do things I don't want to do.

 

P.S. I am all for self-development, and have tried many things. But , I have a self-sabotaging demon inside me that doesn't relent sometimes and it is hopeless to ever get rid of it. If I spread my truth, about what is really is going on with me, I just find it will take exponentially longer to ever attain my goals.

 

I have tried diet changes (juicing, eliminating lots of foods, etc.), the right supplements, Cognitive behavior therapy (CBT), Acceptance-commitment therapy (ACT), I am now in EMDR therapy (Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing), I have meditated for years, I am going to the gym, and there is probably more I am forgetting. Despite all this, none of it seems to touch it -- it is like the more I try to problem solve it, the more it rears its ugly head. In fact, I am so obsessed with getting rid of it that everything I do and everything I consume seems to relate the philosophy behind having it, and what it means, what its purpose is, and how can something be so hard to deal with be so permanent.

 

Vanishing Girl, I am all ears.

[Wiseman2]

Download A Beautiful Mind, about John Nash an American economist, mathematician and Nobel Prize winner in Economic Sciences who had schizophrenia. It's a very inspiring film and explores his sensation of outside looking in at oneself.

[samspruce]

Download A Beautiful Mind, about John Nash an American economist, mathematician and Nobel Prize winner in Economic Sciences who had schizophrenia. It's a very inspiring film and explores his sensation of outside looking in at oneself.

 

I've seen some of it.

 

Reminds me how I used to be an Honours student completing a B.Sc. in Geophysics -- I even got published.

 

Now my mind and health are is so in the way I have abandoned that pursuit... is it possible still?

[Vanishing Girl]

Before I continue, I'd like to say thanks for all the responses guys.

 

Yes, I have seen multiple professionals (and still do), I am on medication (an anti-psychotic), and I have PTSD/psychosis/schizo-like mental illness on top somatoform disorder.

 

 

 

Yes I am HSP. And yes I've created massive boundaries between me and everybody else. I feel like if people knew the real me they would be pushing me to work more, and I f'ing hate work for works sake.

 

I've thought about being more vulnerable, but where does that lead me, but more despair...? (not sure here.)

 

If I remain anonymous, at least people don't offer their suggestions and push me to do things I don't want to do.

 

P.S. I am all for self-development, and have tried many things. But , I have a self-sabotaging demon inside me that doesn't relent sometimes and it is hopeless to ever get rid of it. If I spread my truth, about what is really is going on with me, I just find it will take exponentially longer to ever attain my goals.

 

I have tried diet changes (juicing, eliminating lots of foods, etc.), the right supplements, Cognitive behavior therapy (CBT), Acceptance-commitment therapy (ACT), I am now in EMDR therapy (Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing), I have meditated for years, I am going to the gym, and there is probably more I am forgetting. Despite all this, none of it seems to touch it -- it is like the more I try to problem solve it, the more it rears its ugly head. In fact, I am so obsessed with getting rid of it that everything I do and everything I consume seems to relate the philosophy behind having it, and what it means, what its purpose is, and how can something be so hard to deal with be so permanent.

 

Vanishing Girl, I am all ears.

 

From your original post I wonder if the people you have in your life are really good for you or are you settling for the sake of self development (meaning having the attitude of I can take anything and if it doesn’t feel good I’ll learn from it?)

 

And then reading the above I wonder if (again like me) you just need someone to hear you and really accept you just for you. Has anyone ever done that for you? As well as you really accepting yourself?

 

It sounds like you are so hard on yourself (as am I)....does any of what I’m saying resonate?

[Vanishing Girl]

I think it cut off part of my message...