Stressed over someone else

[anonymous451]

I came across this beautiful woman in an art museum two years ago and by luck I got her name. I added her on social media and I texted her but she did not reply she just added me back. Time passed and I fell in love with another woman. She was spending the summer in my home town and now she had to leave to college. We are having a long distance relationship where she studies law in a country overseas. We try to make ends meet by visiting each other almost every 4 months. It is really stressing me and we keep having these heart breaking goodbyes back and forth every time my brief visit ends. I feel lonely without her here and feel this massive void. She still has 3 more years to go and it has been almost two semesters now since she left to college. It is becoming unbearable with us being apart with different lives, interactions, and events. Long story short, this girl at the art museum sends me a text a week ago after this long period saying "sorry for replying so late, we haven't met before have we ? We have a lot of mutual friends." We start chatting and exchanging information and now she wants to go out for coffee. She lives in my hometown. I am just curious why she hasn't texted me since the day I did. My subconscious mind is eating me and making my feel this overwhelming heaviness of guilt talking to this girl. I am trying to explore my options and see where it leads me. I know with this girl living here things would be easier. However, I can't bring myself to breakup with my girl overseas and we had a serious talk about our relationship and I lied saying let's keep doing it and see where it leads and at the same time I am meeting this new girl for coffee. Am I doing something wrong ? I sincerely cannot cause harm upon someone else I love and would want to know the best way to handle this dilemma. Anyone please. Thanks

[glitterfingers]

Yes, it is wrong because you know that the coffee isn't just to "catch up with an old friend". You are unhappy with your relationship and you are looking for a replacement. I don't see how you can stay in a relationship with someone and claim to love them, while looking at other options incase something better comes up. That is not the definition of love and commitment in a relationship...in many ways, it is opposite.

 

I think it would be unethical for you to meet this other girl for coffee when you know that your current girlfriend would be hurt if she found out. And if you do meet this other woman, the right thing to do would be to tell your girlfriend.

 

However, it would also be unfair for you to stay in a relationship with your girlfriend if you are seriously considering leaving if you meet someone else. How would you feel if you decided to invest in a relationship, only to find out that your partner was keeping you as a backup until something better came along? And then when something more local/suitable turns up, they drop the bomb on you that there's someone else and you're left realising that you committed to a one sided relationship?

 

You need to break up with your girlfriend, as kindly and lovingly as possible. Tell her the long distance relationship isn't working for you because you feel depressed and lonely a lot of the time. Tell her that you wanted it to work but you don't think that you can manage it at this point in your life. Don't give her false hope that you'll wait around for her when she returns, because you're obviously looking elsewhere. Just do the right thing and end the relationship so she can move on without investing more

[reinventmyself]

My subconscious mind is eating me and making my feel this overwhelming heaviness of guilt talking to this girl. I am trying to explore my options and see where it leads me.

 

If you're `trying to explore your options' then you know what you need to do.

If you were madly in love with your girlfriend and that relationship was meeting your needs, you wouldn't be considering a coffee date.

[Nina95]

You know the answer to this. Just break up with your girlfriend please. Love hard, be loyal, and be willing to work through the relationship’s challenges. If you cannot do these, just leave. Breaking up will not make you a bad person, on the contrary, it will show your integrity and strength; the relationship is simply not meeting your needs anymore and that is 100% valid. If you play games, lie and are disloyal, now that makes you a (insert here).

[Hollyj]

Don't be that guy. Either break up with the girl, or don't do the coffee with the new one. How would you feel if your gf did the same to you?

 

You can't possibly love your gf, if you are considering this.

[11moreweeks]

So.. you're lying to your girlfriend, you're treating women like options rather than partners or even human beings with feelings, you're in the process of cheating, you're undoing your commitment to your girlfriend after just some months of long-distance (

 

I don't think you love her. Break up with her and tell her that the reason you broke up is because you're planning to cheat / are in the process of cheating and don't want to commit to long distance with her. Then tell the coffee date girl about what you just did to your girlfriend so she can decide what she wants from you and if your values align.

 

I'm not going to sugar coat it. I think you're doing something very wrong. Treat the women in your life with more respect, be honest to your partners, and learn the value of commitment. It's a silver lining that you asked on this forum because it means you're at least trying to think about what you're doing...I guess.

[mrmojo]

Don't open that door. Dont hurt your girl. Its dangerous, you are vulnerable and can easily fall for this new girl, if you want to keep your girl avoid that coffee date. Otherwise tell your girl you want to be apart before starting something else. Thats how my ex cheated on me.

[Everlong13]

You know yourself that this is wrong. Don't go there and you should also consider whether you should be with your gf if you're already looking to potentially cheat on her.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately it sounds like if this museum girl is interested you'll dump the LD girl. However you are stringing her along if you are looking elsewhere locally.

I can't bring myself to breakup with my girl overseas and we had a serious talk about our relationship and I lied saying let's keep doing it and see where it leads and at the same time I am meeting this new girl for coffee.