NoDivorce Posted March 16, 2018 Author Share Posted March 16, 2018 Found out my wife is cheating on me. Im so distraught! Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted March 16, 2018 Share Posted March 16, 2018 Sorry to hear this. How did you find out? Found out my wife is cheating on me. Im so distraught! Link to comment
abitbroken Posted March 16, 2018 Share Posted March 16, 2018 Found out my wife is cheating on me. Im so distraught! so all this insecure stuff was a line of BS and she stayed home to communicate with another man?? Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted March 16, 2018 Share Posted March 16, 2018 Now is the time to employ this part of lostandhurt's always sage advice: -If she is intent on leaving let her plan it out, pay for it, file the paperwork, arrange meetings to discuss custody and financials and generally handle every facet of breaking up the family. DO NOT feel sorry for and try and make it easy on her, divorce should be hard! Link to comment
lostandhurt Posted March 16, 2018 Share Posted March 16, 2018 How exactly did you discover she was cheating on you? If she will not leave the house how did it take place? Lost Link to comment
Jibralta Posted March 16, 2018 Share Posted March 16, 2018 That's terrible. So sorry to hear this. Link to comment
NoDivorce Posted March 16, 2018 Author Share Posted March 16, 2018 I saw a txt from her coworker at work. This guy apparently sits next to her. She told me that shes been confiding in him about our problems. And she now states that this guy understands her insecurity issues and understands her in general. Link to comment
Iwish Posted March 17, 2018 Share Posted March 17, 2018 This sounds like the whole "emotional affair" issue someone mentioned on a post of mine. Or has she been physically cheating? Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted March 17, 2018 Share Posted March 17, 2018 So she does leave the house and go out and work and socialize. Apparently she's not the insecure hermit you described but just wanted time away from you, perhaps to communicate with this guy. Unfortunately she's checked out of the marriage, whether she's having an emotional affair or not. Does she want to divorce? Interestingly she talks about "our problems" while you only talked about "her issues".I saw a txt from her coworker at work. This guy apparently sits next to her. She told me that shes been confiding in him about our problems. And she now states that this guy understands her insecurity issues and understands her in general. Link to comment
Lester Posted March 17, 2018 Share Posted March 17, 2018 Ah yes, the understanding man... (UM) To understand infidelity and how to, if you want, save you marriage read James Dobson's "Love must be Tough" (Never let her see this book and don't confuse Dobson, the inventor of TL with today's vengeful, watered down versions.) First Aid: - Do not chase after her! - Make no promises, do not plead or offer remedies! - Become quiet and aloof. - Do not tell her about this forum! - Use a device/computer she can never have access to. Not understanding infidelity and chasing pushes her further into the understanding man's arms. (Weakness) You must be strong! Not mean or loud, but quiet and thoughtful. This unexpected reaction from you will put HER off balance, forcing her to think. Homework: - Decide if you really want to be married to her. If you can't or won't answer that question, you will quickly become a victim of circumstance. Link to comment
NoDivorce Posted March 17, 2018 Author Share Posted March 17, 2018 I feel as thought this i a losing battle for me. Even if i were to win her back in some manner she still works with the guy. For me to even trust her she would need to find a new job away from this individual. I feel this would be unlikely anytime soon. I feel as though this situation would need to run its course before she would even consider leaving. I feel so hopeless. How can someone married 9yr thorw away everything so easily? I also feel like she is running away from the responsibilities of being a mom as she said she doesnt even miss the kids. This is so sad. Its like i dont even no her anymore. Link to comment
Lester Posted March 17, 2018 Share Posted March 17, 2018 You fix "hopeless" with action. You're not the first person this has happened to. Do one thing a day! Buy Dobson today. It's only a losing battle if you make it so, yes you may lose the war, but walking away at the beginning of the battle guarantees failure. At this juncture, the other guy and her job don't matter. Put it on the back burner for now. It's not about winning her back. Instead, an opportunity to discover what went wrong and maybe save your wife from the clutches of a user/poacher. Link to comment
NoDivorce Posted March 18, 2018 Author Share Posted March 18, 2018 Update. Found out the true reason why she has cheated on me. Currently wifes mother is very sick from a terminal illness. Wife is is very close to her mom and is devastated knowing she may not much time. She told me to escape the stress of this news, to escape marital issues she is with this guy to escape the pain. She tells me he makes her feel good about herself during this time. She acknowledges that what she doing is wrong but its her only escape. Its like a drug addict needing drugs to escape reality. Link to comment
Lester Posted March 18, 2018 Share Posted March 18, 2018 That's bull, and not the reason for her cheating! Link to comment
NoDivorce Posted March 18, 2018 Author Share Posted March 18, 2018 That's bull, and not the reason for her cheating! It is bs. But i believe her. Link to comment
NoDivorce Posted March 18, 2018 Author Share Posted March 18, 2018 Also she told me she doesnt want to work on us.just wants to be with this guy. Link to comment
NoDivorce Posted March 18, 2018 Author Share Posted March 18, 2018 Looking to officially separate from my wife. Since she is the one cheating i want her out of the house asap. In addition should she even see the kids during separstion. She said herself that she doesnt miss them sometimes. Also should i see a lawyer before asking for separation? Im so confused. I live in ca if that helps. Link to comment
Lester Posted March 18, 2018 Share Posted March 18, 2018 It is bs. But i believe her. Blind love is not genuine love, and gives you no right to ignore your vows. Link to comment
Lester Posted March 18, 2018 Share Posted March 18, 2018 Also she told me she doesnt want to work on us.just wants to be with this guy. She has no idea what she wants. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't, on the surface, nod and agree with her. Saving a wife/family/marriage is not intuitive. Link to comment
Lester Posted March 18, 2018 Share Posted March 18, 2018 Looking to officially separate from my wife. Since she is the one cheating i want her out of the house asap. In addition should she even see the kids during separstion. She said herself that she doesnt miss them sometimes. Also should i see a lawyer before asking for separation? Im so confused. I live in ca if that helps. If you don't want to save your marriage..., all you need is a lawyer. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted March 18, 2018 Share Posted March 18, 2018 Agree, her cheating is her choice and a bad one. What marital issues is she referring to? It seems her excuse for this is quite different from your perception of this. She claims she's in pain from her mother's illness and marital issues, you claim she's an insecure hermit. It seems things have been bad and coming apart for quite some time, and you were oblivious to that. Perhaps a therapist can help you navigate this, one way or the other. Also have you asked her what she wants? Divorce or try to work on things? What do you want? She told me to escape the stress of this news, to escape marital issues she is with this guy to escape the pain. She tells me he makes her feel good about herself during this time. She acknowledges that what she doing is wrong but its her only escape. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted March 18, 2018 Share Posted March 18, 2018 Yes seek out an attorney. You can't kick her out of her own home or prevent her from seeing her own kids. It's not your call, it's court decision. You'll have to draw things up legally with regard to your staying in the home/who moves, who buys the other out etc. and what the kids need in terms of custody/visitation and child support. CA is no fault divorce so her cheating makes no difference, since grounds for divorce aren't required and doesn't give you any legal, financial or custody advantages. An attorney will help you decide how to divide marital assets in your state.Looking to officially separate from my wife. i want her out of the house asap. In addition should she even see the kids during separstion. Also should i see a lawyer before asking for separation? Link to comment
NoDivorce Posted March 18, 2018 Author Share Posted March 18, 2018 Agree, her cheating is her choice and a bad one. What marital issues is she referring to? It seems her excuse for this is quite different from your perception of this. She claims she's in pain from her mother's illness and marital issues, you claim she's an insecure hermit. It seems things have been bad and coming apart for quite some time, and you were oblivious to that. Perhaps a therapist can help you navigate this, one way or the other. Also have you asked her what she wants? Divorce or try to work on things? What do you want? Its a combination of everything. Our problems inlcude reglar arguments caused by her insecurities, her moms illness and now her cheating. She wants a divorce but i was fighting for us up until yesterday. I want to separate and be away from her so i dont have to see the cheeting. See goes out with this guy lin front of my face like its nothing. What i dont get is why doeant she just file for divorce? Its like she is waiting for me to do it. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted March 19, 2018 Share Posted March 19, 2018 How long has she been talking about wanting a divorce? It seems you'll have to live together until one of you moves out. She wants a divorce. I want to separate and be away from her so i dont have to see the cheeting. See goes out with this guy lin front of my face like its nothing. What i dont get is why doeant she just file for divorce? Its like she is waiting for me to do it. Link to comment
NoDivorce Posted March 19, 2018 Author Share Posted March 19, 2018 Hi guys i need some legal advice. I live in ca and i want to ask my wife to move to her moms during this separation period . I cant force her to move but i can ask. Can asking someone to move have any legal consequences against me down the road besides maybe upsetting her? What are the dos and donts during separation? Link to comment
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