When is the right time for the "where is this going" conversation?

[Darlington]

Hi all,

 

I would love you're advice about when the right time might be for raising the "where is this going" conversation.

 

So, I've been dating a guy I met at work for the last month. We work for a major organisation, in different team and sit on different floors...and are often in the building on different days. So there isn't that much of an issue with work.

 

In terms of useful information. We had seen each other around work a few times in 2017 and started talking in November (with some flirting) before we actually went out on a date. I found out from a colleague who knows him that he had been asking about me and whether I was single in January, and he eventually asked me out for dinner at the beginning of February.

 

Since then we have gone out on dates weekly (5th one yesterday), usually arrange the next one either during the current date or shortly after. Initiation has been 50/50 and we keep in touch via text daily. Our next date is this weekend. Dinner and a movie.

 

So far, he's told me he sees our dates as romantic dates and that he enjoys spending time with me. But so far he's not tried to kiss me or even touch me. Whilst the dates mostly feel romantic, I got a bit of a friendship vide at one point yesterday.

 

I like him and would be interested in exploring a serious relationship vs. a casual one, but I don't know where he's at...or when the right time might be for bringing this up. Is it too soon to raise the conversation a month in? At the same time, if he's only interested in a casual relationship I don't want to waste his time as it's not what I'm looking at this stage in life. We're 28/30.

 

Any advice?

[Wiseman2]

Excellent. Sounds like it's going well so far. After 5 dates do not ask "what are we, where are we going" etc. No one has a crystal ball or can make guarantees at 1 mo. in. Instead you tell him you want to be exclusive when sex enters the picture. Stop acting like a friend. Hold hands, hug him when you meet, make yourself approachable.

when the right time might be for raising the "where is this going" conversation. Since then we have gone out on dates weekly (5th one yesterday)Our next date is this weekend. Dinner and a movie. so far he's not tried to kiss me or even touch me. Whilst the dates mostly feel romantic, I got a bit of a friendship vide at one point yesterday.

[Keyman]

So, he hasn't touched you yet, so by casual relationship, I assume you are not meaning a FWB as I am sure he would be trying to get in on that already.

 

Having the 'where is it going' conversation is way too early after a month, and that is usually when a relationship stagnates later down the track and not at the beginning of a relationship.

 

Maybe try holding his hand this weekend at the movies or something. Or even asking him if he wants to kiss you. Or even, just kiss him.

 

OR

 

If you are the laid back girl, who wants the alpha male to just take control and get on with it, perhaps stop dating this guy and go find one of those types.

[annie24]

Not necessarily the "where is this going" conversation, but I'd be wondering when he is going to kiss me and make a move!!! Are you wondering if this is just friends or if he's into you?

[Andrina]

You don't say he's shy, so it's very strange that he hasn't even attempted to hold your hand or kiss you at the end of the date after 5 dates. On the next date, I'd probably ask him about his relationship history, such as: So, what's the longest relationship you've had? You might get a lot of insight about him with his answer.

 

You have a right to know what's going on since he isn't making it clear. I'd say: Just wanted to know if we're on the same page. What's your dating style? Do you like to multi-date and it takes you a long time to decide if you want to become exclusive with someone, or do like to concentrate on dating one person at a time? If you scare a person away by doing this, he wasn't the right guy for you, to begin with.

 

If you want to break the ice as far touching goes, maybe for emphasis while discussing something, or if you're joking around and laughing, you could touch his forearm. You could compliment his hair and briefly touch it. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

[jimthzz]

It took me three weeks to screw up the courage to kiss my now wife of almost five years.

 

I placed way too much stress on doing that. It is of endless fun for my wife to point that out to anyone who will listen now ....

 

Why don't you just go ahead and kiss the guy.

[reinventmyself]

5 dates and no touching and not even a kiss? It's not time for the `where is this going' question.

Unless spending time with him and enjoying his company is an inconvenience to you, just go with it.

 

I know that sounds snarky in writing, but I had the same experience with my guy.

And it was an inconvenience at the time.

 

It was a busy time in my life and I was giving up a couple evenings a week and feeling like were heading into a solid friend zone.

I gently told him that I didn't think we were looking for the same thing (based on his lack of affection and other clues) and (I don't go on a dating website to make friends. I have plenty)

 

If he was just looking for a friend, as nice as he was I needed to move on. He was taken back and told me that he was really interested in something more with me. No one was more surprise then me and I asked him for a day to think about it.

 

From there he stepped it up some, albeit slowly. We laugh about it now. He had just made some bad choices in the past and really wanted to get to know me well before he took it another level.

 

Looking back it made total sense. I just took it the wrong way.

[abitbroken]

Nope. don't ask. He clearly is interested because he sets up the next date right away. 5 dates is fine to not be kissed --- particularly if you really did not know eachother before the first date - you just talked enough for him to test the waters for a date. Do not take the temperature of the dating relationship minute by minute ---"ie, i got a friend vibe for a minute". Not every moment in a date is someone going to lay the romance on thick. As they say -- a romance is a friendship caught on fire.

 

He was very clear that he sees this as romantic dating. he may want to not appear like he just wants to get in your pants. have you been anywhere that would give him the opportunity to kiss you? Maybe you haven't given him the green light yourself.

 

So relax -- you are both clearly interested. He could be a bit cautious because you work at the same company - keep that strongly in mind. Just enjoy the next date -- get to know him better and don't analyze so much

[Darlington]

Thank you all so much for sharing your comments, advice and experiences. So glad I posted, reading your comments and my own again, has made me realise I'm analysing things a bit too much. All the signs he's shown are that he is interested. He is more reserved, not shy.

 

He's a good guy and maybe I should just enjoy the time we spend together. And when the time is right, I'm sure I'll find out either way where we're at.

[Darlington]

Excellent. Sounds like it's going well so far. After 5 dates do not ask "what are we, where are we going" etc. No one has a crystal ball or can make guarantees at 1 mo. in. Instead you tell him you want to be exclusive when sex enters the picture. Stop acting like a friend. Hold hands, hug him when you meet, make yourself approachable.

 

Thanks for the advice! You've hit the nail on the head...of course he may not know where this is going either at this stage. Any advice on wording when raising the exclusive conversation?

[SoulTaker]

So far, he's told me he sees our dates as romantic dates and that he enjoys spending time with me. But so far he's not tried to kiss me or even touch me. Whilst the dates mostly feel romantic, I got a bit of a friendship vide at one point yesterday.

 

I like him and would be interested in exploring a serious relationship vs. a casual one, but I don't know where he's at...or when the right time might be for bringing this up. Is it too soon to raise the conversation a month in? At the same time, if he's only interested in a casual relationship I don't want to waste his time as it's not what I'm looking at this stage in life. We're 28/30.

 

Why don't you show the initiative and make contact with him (kiss, rub his shoulders,...)? Also, it is up to you to find out during the dates what he's looking for in dating you. What were you conversing about during those 5 dates?

[Darlington]

Yeah you're right...I shouldn't be so passive waiting on him. I wasn't sure whether touching/kissing him would be welcomed, so I thought I'd wait and see if he makes the move. Maybe he's been feeling the same way and waiting on me to make the move??

 

The conversations so far have been around getting to know each other; childhood, families, work, likes/dislikes, hobbies and interests...stuff like that. Yesterday was the first time the conversation ventured in a more romanic direction. We discussed our thoughts on infidelity, bro/gal codes and he shared that he prefers it when a woman takes the lead....just as a write this I think I've answered part of my own question.

 

I tried to get a bit more out of him in terms of what he's looking for but the questioning felt a little awkward and unatural so I sort of left it. I thought maybe it was too soon and that's why it felt weird...which is why I posted.

[katrina1980]

 

We discussed our thoughts on infidelity, bro/gal codes and he shared that he prefers it when a woman takes the lead....

 

Hmm, interesting, did he say why?

 

What do YOU prefer? Do you enjoy taking the lead in your dating experiences and relationships?

 

From your posts, it doesn't sound like it.

 

Stay true to yourself; if a man said that to me, I'd have to wish him well and move on as I prefer a man to take the lead, especially in the early stages.

[Rozhni]

He really likes you in which he’s taking his time because he doesn’t want to rush into anything. I did the samething with my gf now. He is thinking that exact things you’re thinking. I didn’t kiss my gf until the 8th date! It just happened eventually. Do not overthink anything. Kiss him if you want! I wouldn’t have mind if she kissed me first. It would have been just as special.

[abitbroken]

Hmm, interesting, did he say why?

 

What do YOU prefer? Do you enjoy taking the lead in your dating experiences and relationships?

 

From your posts, it doesn't sound like it.

 

Stay true to yourself; if a man said that to me, I'd have to wish him well and move on as I prefer a man to take the lead, especially in the early stages.

 

 

I think the fact that they are initiating things equally 50-50, that she doesn't have to do more than just initiating plans when she feels and not to overthink it. He has actually been pretty darn forward (said it was romantic dates and was clear about that), and he did initiate the asking out, asking if she was single to coworkers, etc. My advice was to start to give the green light after another date or two for some contact. Maybe some light contact next time, like touching his hand on the table, etc. and then letting him initiate some, too

[katrina1980]

I think the fact that they are initiating things equally 50-50, that she doesn't have to do more than just initiating plans when she feels and not to overthink it. He has actually been pretty darn forward (said it was romantic dates and was clear about that), and he did initiate the asking out, asking if she was single to coworkers, etc. My advice was to start to give the green light after another date or two for some contact. Maybe some light contact next time, like touching his hand on the table, etc. and then letting him initiate some, too

 

That's great but I'm wondering if he meant he prefers a woman to take the lead physically, since he hasn't so much as hold her hand after *five* dates. Sorry, I just think that's strange.

 

I would not completely disregard his comment just because they've been initiating 50/50. I highly doubt he (or any man) would make a comment like that just for the hell of it.

 

He's communicating something important to her, and I think it's REAL important to *pay attention* to what a man tells you in these early stages, even if it's something you may not want hear or doesn't jive with your own values or what you prefer.

 

Big mistake if you don't and if you continue dating, it may just come back to bite you in the a** later.

 

Unless of course you (the OP) prefers to take the lead physically, and perhaps later in other areas, and if that's the case then go for it!

 

Not my cup of tea, but we are all different and have different preferences.

[abitbroken]

That's great but I'm wondering if he meant he prefers a woman to take the lead physically, since he hasn't so much as hold her hand after *five* dates. Sorry, I just think that's strange.

 

I would not completely disregard his comment just because they've been initiating 50/50. I highly doubt he (or any man) would make a comment like that just for the hell of it.

 

I think it REAL important to *pay attention* to what a man tells you in these early stages, even if it's something you may not want hear or doesn't jive with your own values or what you prefer.

 

Big mistake if you don't and if you continue dating, it may just come back to bite you in the a** later.

 

Unless of course you (the OP) prefers to take the lead physically, and perhaps later in other areas, and if that's the case then go for it!

 

Not my cup of tea, but we are all different and have different preferences.

 

 

That's why i said to give him the green light for physical contact - give him the opening for it first - instead of jumping him. She will be more comfortable that way. He could also mean he likes the woman to take the lead as far as escalating the relationship (when they get exclusive or more serious, etc.) My guy is like that - he will initiate everything except the big milestones

[katrina1980]

That's why i said to give him the green light for physical contact - give him the opening for it first - instead of jumping him. She will be more comfortable that way.

 

---

 

He could also mean he likes the woman to take the lead as far as escalating the relationship (when they get exclusive or more serious, etc.) My guy is like that - he will initiate everything except the big milestones

 

That's fine if you're cool with that, again we're all different.

 

Which is why I asked the OP what *she* prefers.

 

I also don't think it's smart to "guess" or assume what he (or any man) means when making ambiguous statements like that. It could be this, it might be that, ugh!!

 

Too many women "fill in the blanks" with their own stories instead of actually asking a man what he means.

 

If a man said that to me, you better believe I would have probed further.

 

I don't like guessing games especially in dating, and upon probing further, I discovered our values don't jive or we're not on the same page re our dating styles, I wish him well, and move on.

 

Communicate, ask. As I said if you don't, it may just come back later and bite you in the a**.

[Darlington]

The taking the lead comment came up when we were talking about the start of dating…which sex, should do the pursuing. He said he likes it when a woman leads and later in the same conversations he said how nice it’s been with us that we’ve both equally initiated dates.

 

Katrina – you’re right, it’s never good to make assumptions as to what someone means. I usually live by ‘better to ask and be lied to, than to assume and get it horribly wrong’.

 

To be honest, I’m not sure what my preference is when it comes to who takes the lead. I’ve not had to think about it before. The last serious relationship I was in, we went from strangers to a BF/GF in 3 days (not very healthy). The guy did the pursuing and I remember at the time feeling it was a little OTT, but went with it. During the relationship, physical contact was initiated 30% by me, 70% by him. I think I would have liked it better if it was more 50/50, but he rarely gave room for that…he was always coming on to me. At times it was romantic, at times it felt coercive.

 

What I like about the man leading, at least at the start of something, is that there is no confusion about their level of interest. Of course I encourage their efforts along the way. I think this might be the same approach this guy also takes. I don’t know he’s relationship history, so perhaps when I probe a bit more in that area it will become clearer.

 

Perhaps he is just taking his time and being respectful and also quite possibly, trying to work out his own feelings. I haven’t observed any red flags from him at all; he seems really genuine and kind. We were hit by a snow storm yesterday and I was caught up in it…he was calling and texting to check on me throughout until I made it home safely.

 

Maybe I’m just experiencing a healthy start for the first time…..

 

Ps. We always hug at the start and end of each date. Unfortunately 4/5 dates have ended in the car...so quite awkward to kiss in the position any way. I would prefer kissing to happen during the date vs. at the end...so that we're both know it's what we want, rather than doing it at end because 'its what's supposed to happen at the end of a date'

[katrina1980]

 

We were hit by a snow storm yesterday and I was caught up in it…he was calling and texting to check on me throughout until I made it home safely.

 

 

He sounds quite sweet and obviously likes you and cares. All good and positive things. :)

 

My concern is that (and this is just me) if/when a man ever told me he likes the woman to take the lead (has never happened but imagining if it would), once we got into a RL (if we got into a RL), he became passive and would expect me to pick up all the slack.

 

A passive man wouldn't be a good fit for me, so I would probe further to determine exactly what he meant.

 

I might say, "really, how so'? Or, "would you elaborate on that'? Or, "what do you mean, in what way would you want her to take the lead."

 

I'm never afraid to dig deeper and ask those types of questions. Knowing the answer would save a lot of time if his answer doesn't jive with my own nature.

 

As I said, I think it's important to pay attention to these types of subtle comments men make in these early stages.

 

It may sound small and insignificant but could end up becoming something much bigger if you were to ever get into a serious RL.

 

But for now, enjoy! And play it out. Flirt and send signals that you'd like him to escalate physically.

 

At least a kiss! Frankly, for me, when the attraction and chemistry is so strong (and I wouldn't be going out on five dates if it weren't) the tension is so thick, it would be impossible to NOT become physical! For both of us!

 

But everyone is different so play it out and have fun!

 

Keep us posted.

[reinventmyself]

What I like about the man leading, at least at the start of something, is that there is no confusion about their level of interest. Of course I encourage their efforts along the way. I think this might be the same approach this guy also takes. I don’t know he’s relationship history, so perhaps when I probe a bit more in that area it will become clearer.

 

I've been just like the poster. Thinking along the lines of the man taking the lead and the woman's place to and encourage and receive.

Things have shifted along the way and more often then not I have a man telling me that they couldn't tell if I was interested or not, so they didn't know how to proceed.

 

I think it's just the sign of the times that woman are much more proactive about going after what they want.

(I have two young adult sons and I am surprised how aggressive the girls are!)

 

Men might be getting accustomed to this so they don't know what to do with someone who isn't doing so.

I still won't pursue a man or be the aggressor but I do make a concerted effort to let him know I am interested and step up my flirting somewhat.

 

The part amount the man leading and being assured of his interest?. . .Men feel the same way and want/need assurance as well. It shouldn't all be on them.

[SoulTaker]

Yeah you're right...I shouldn't be so passive waiting on him. I wasn't sure whether touching/kissing him would be welcomed, so I thought I'd wait and see if he makes the move. Maybe he's been feeling the same way and waiting on me to make the move??

 

The conversations so far have been around getting to know each other; childhood, families, work, likes/dislikes, hobbies and interests...stuff like that. Yesterday was the first time the conversation ventured in a more romanic direction. We discussed our thoughts on infidelity, bro/gal codes and he shared that he prefers it when a woman takes the lead....just as a write this I think I've answered part of my own question.

 

I tried to get a bit more out of him in terms of what he's looking for but the questioning felt a little awkward and unatural so I sort of left it. I thought maybe it was too soon and that's why it felt weird...which is why I posted.

 

There should be nothing awkward about finding out why someone is dating. It doesn't have to be direct, but could be done in a subtle way such as "are you looking for someone to hang out with, or a more stable, exclusive situation"?

 

No matter how you do it, it needs to be done. You don't want to be one of those people who find out 6 months down the road that the other person isn't looking for a relationship...

[Darlington]

Hi all!

 

Thank you again for all your advice. Thought I'd post an update. And it's good news.

 

So.....we finally kissed on date 6 on Saturday. He initiated it! I was snowed in so he came to my place, restocked my fridge and cooked us dinner. Also found out that his reference to "women taking the lead" was just about women initiating things too. We also talked about how the #metoo movement made him really conscious about making a move on me.

 

During date 8 yesterday, we agreed to become exclusive, and do's and don'ts if we ever bump into each other at work. All seems to be going well so far. Long may it continue.

[katrina1980]

That's great Darlington!

 

Glad to hear it all worked out!

[Darlington]

Yes, I asked and he said he was referring to women also taking the lead and not just waiting for the guy to do all the initiating. He also admitted to being conscious about the #metoo movement and how that impacted on making a move on me, especially as we work for the same organisation.

 

But interns of initiating physical contact he is taking more of a lead, which I'm enjoying.

 

Ps. I made fun of him about taking 5 dates to kiss me...he said he had tried on earlier dates but that I apparently kept running off lolol. I didn't realize I was doing that.