How is it that some people always have a bf/gf and some are forever single?

[Tryingit]

I've known people that so seamlessly hop from one bf/gf to the next that they are single max like 5% of their life. I've also known people who are single for 10+ years easily. This seems in no way to be correlated with how big of a catch they are or how emotionally stable / self secure. So what is it? What makes some people constantly find love and others apparently never?

 

Love,

A perennially single person

[dias]

I always had the same questions. Speaking for myself only, I am single because I just can't commit. When I was younger I used to wonder why I am single all the time whilst all my friends jumped with ease from one relationship to another. As I got older, I stopped lying to myself that I want a relationship. Deep down I don't want hence it never happens. Plus I am not an easy going person.

 

It’s true that some people can't deal with being alone and are always in relationships and others can't even get a date. The way I like to think about it is: there are people who are very successful in their careers and jump from one company to another getting promotions and people who are always unemployed and can’t get a simple job. The latter group seems to be doing something wrong. On the other hand, nature plays a huge role here. Some people are more "successful" in certain things than others. You are who you are in the end.

[Batya33]

I always believed I was single unless I was engaged. (But I would be committed -meaning exclusive, not date anyone else, etc). I don't think having a bf/gf means you've found love - it might, it might not (more typical of course to assume that people marry someone they love, but not always!). I was rarely not involved in a relationship because I dated a ton, was very social, proactive about meeting people and a main life goal of mine (in the top two-three)was to marry and be a parent. So I was very motivated to do what it took to reach my goal, with no guarantees of course.

 

So, attractive/fit people probably have it easier all else equal, but I think that people who do best in finding good matches are those who are generally positive, comfortable in their own skin, want to make others comfortable in their own skin, have a reasonable level of confidence, and are other-directed to a reasonable extent -and being fun/having a good sense of humor, doesn't hurt either. Also they have a fun, fulfilling life and are not desperate despite being proactive.

 

And part of it is luck and timing. And of course it's fluid - especially with dating and shorter term bf/gf relationships so the snapshot in time of who is coupled off and who isn't doesn't tell you a lot.

[LootieTootie]

I always questioned this too... Especially when I was single for a long time....

 

I do agree with Batya it can be luck and timing... but just from my own observations of friends, coworkers, and family... people who can always find a bf/gf after a breakup... most of these people have a hard time being alone and they have little standards so they tend to be less picky about a partner. I would not describe their relationship as love.

[Tryingit]

@Batya I agree with timing luck and being generally positive/social about dating but definitely not on it having anything to do with self confidence or comfort in your own skin. Some of the people I know that stick to relationships the most are the most insecure. A lot also seem to be just really terrible people to be with - whether they're temperamental or grumpy or whatever the case may be. That's what's always baffled me most.

 

I've thought about this a lot and only identified two things as factors, which others pointed out: 1) Strong desire and focus on finding a relationship/marriage/kids; and 2), almost as an extension of 1), settling for the person not being ideal, but whatever he's good enough, and I need a boyfriend. It's a mentality difference between people who say I only want to be in a relationship if I find a great/perfect match, and people who say I want a relationship - now who is the closest/best option I have right now to fill the role. I can tell you the first mentality results in a lot less relationships lol, so I don't even know which is worse.

[Tryingit]

One more thing, and I'm saying this from observation of some of the men closest to me, I think for men, it has a lot to do with laziness and not feeling you can do better. I know multiple men who seem literally dead in their relationships, walking around like zero-effort zombies, and they keep keepin on because that's easier than change. And the women clamp down on them and hang on for dear life. This is my nightmare !

[Batya33]

"I've thought about this a lot and only identified two things as factors, which others pointed out: 1) Strong desire and focus on finding a relationship/marriage/kids; and 2), almost as an extension of 1), settling for the person not being ideal, but whatever he's good enough, and I need a boyfriend. It's a mentality difference between people who say I only want to be in a relationship if I find a great/perfect match, and people who say I want a relationship - now who is the closest/best option I have right now to fill the role. I can tell you the first mentality results in a lot less relationships lol, so I don't even know which is worse.

 

Well no, I wanted a husband and a child - preferably biological - for the 24 years that I was dating and single or in a relationship (i.e. before I started dating my future husband) and when I wasn't desperate I did not settle (I made bad choices when I was feeling desperate). Luck and timing play a small part. In a healthy relationship the two people are compatible and each feels comfortable in his/her own skin around the other. You are seeing only the outside and your opinion of the person is not what I'm referring to. Maybe the person who you find difficult/judgmental is the person who her partner thinks is perfect for him.

 

As far as the men closest to you I think you said you don't get out there much and that you are kind of bitter about relationships - like attracts like if you know what I mean and your sample size might be small/skewed.

 

I was talking about healthy relationships where people don't settle and where people are comfortable and happy together.

[catfeeder]

Some people are more relationship focused, and some are less so--or not at all.

[Batya33]

One more thing, and I'm saying this from observation of some of the men closest to me, I think for men, it has a lot to do with laziness and not feeling you can do better. I know multiple men who seem literally dead in their relationships, walking around like zero-effort zombies, and they keep keepin on because that's easier than change. And the women clamp down on them and hang on for dear life. This is my nightmare !

 

Yes, that is not a healthy relationship so if you're going to think of this as one category "relationships" and include the dead-end ones then to me your points make little sense - I would think your concern was about how easy certain people seem to have it to find good/healthy relationships . It's easy to find a "meh" relationship or settle just to be part of a couple - often one of the people involved is very into the other but the other one sticks around out of stagnation. I would think that was not in the category of people you are talking about.

 

I've seen it all - relationships where there is a lot of gushing about how perfect it is, over the moon in love (this is pre-facebook too, I mean gushing to me personally) and then it becomes toxic/ends often for the same reasons that were there all along but ignored. I've seen relationships that can look like "settling" because they're just in the nick of time to have a child or be married but in reality the two people chose each other freely and joyfully and it worked out - and yes, even if they were relationship -focused it didn't mean they settled -it meant that the other person met or exceeded their expectations and they fell in love and were motivated to and desired to commit. And everything in between. I personally envied those people who chose a spouse at the "right time" just like they chose a graduate school - hit the milestones of "single for part of my 20s/partying some then meet a nice guy/gal engaged within a year, married within 2 or so". For me that element that was out of my control - timing/chemistry/passion etc took it out of the realm of choosing the right grad school or employer.

 

I am meeting someone for lunch today who likely settled because she was newly divorced from a man she met through an online site, and needed to hook up with someone who wanted a family and also could financially provide because she was in her 40s. When she and I met I believed she and her SO were in love -her with him for sure. Now I'm not so sure. She has her young son and he now has his woman on the side. I've met him and see some red flags in his character although he's pleasant enough to me. Now she needs to decide what to do. So yes it can be a disaster when you're desperate or settle like that.

[Last Gentleman]

I also think that the people always on relationships, kind of have no standards or can't go without sex for the few of my friends examples I know. One of my serial dater friend is the greatest example,

he got out with women that abused him mentally, used drugs on weekends, made him destroy childhood friendships and the last one a single mom that just moved on the flat above him...

 

As myself who is pretty much always single, I can tell you I want smart women to have conversations, I realized out of 4 serious relationships 3 had PHD's, others love interests had great historical

knowledge or passions. I also don't like vain people and don't want to raise someone else's child, so yeah surely the population I can date is pretty small indeed !

[Wiseman2]

Why do you ask? There are a multitude of factors. Very importantly is the desire for a relationship and even more important is the kind of agreeable stable personality that can get along with a partner and knows how to compromise and wants to be with them. People may choose to be single at various times in life, again for many reasons. Are you talking about people who want a relationship but can't find/sustain one?

I've known people that so seamlessly hop from one bf/gf to the next that they are single max like 5% of their life. I've also known people who are single for 10+ years easily.

[figureitout23]

I find these judgements of people who stay in relationships to be completely false and not based on any facts, to put it directly it's simply jealousy. I would not go down this road. Putting others down to make yourself feel better isn't the way to go.

[Last Gentleman]

I find these judgements of people who stay in relationships to be completely false and not based on any facts, to put it directly it's simply jealousy. I would not go down this road. Putting others down to make yourself feel better isn't the way to go.

 

You're attaching this to judgment like too many PC people nowadays, I don't see any judgment here, just acknowledging maybe why people are better or worse at something.

You might be better at a certain sport than a friend and there are reasons for this, you don't need to judge your friend to state the evidence, so why couldn't we find something that is relevant

to the dating or non dating people !?

[Seraphim]

I have been in the same relationship my entire adult life. I don’t think I settled or am clinging to the horrible. Having a husband and family was a part of my life plan.

[Lambert]

I have been in the same relationship my entire adult life. I don’t think I settled or am clinging to the horrible. Having a husband and family was a part of my life plan.

that's lovely seraphim. i know many happy couples that aren't settling.... the sad thing is many single people have a spouse and a family in their life plan, too, but they haven't found what you have.

[Seraphim]

that's lovely seraphim. i know many happy couples that aren't settling.... the sad thing is many single people have a spouse and a family in their life plan, too, but they haven't found what you have.

 

But someone else’s experience doesn’t negate mine because it is different. People are always telling me my experience doesn’t count because I found someone. Why? I always get the polite “ how nice for you “ and but what is not said directly is “ go away because you didn’t search for X number of years so you don’t count. “

 

That always leaves me bewildered .

 

Especially when people say, well those people in relationships are setting. Well,no, many of us are not “ settling”.

[Batya33]

I have been in the same relationship my entire adult life. I don’t think I settled or am clinging to the horrible. Having a husband and family was a part of my life plan.

 

Mine too and I almost got married at 23. For me having it as part of my life plan still required a percentage of luck and timing. Not like my life plan professionally which mostly just required grit/rolling up my sleeves and at times financial support from family (thank goodness for that!) - but not the kind of elusive luck/timing if you're looking for someone you have chemistry for and are in love with and then all the compatibility factors. It can work that way for arranged marriages and I did envy the women who met their spouses in college/grad school or by their early 20s. So much easier IMO looking from the outside.

[Lambert]

But someone else’s experience doesn’t negate mine because it is different. People are always telling me my experience doesn’t count because I found someone. Why? I always get the polite “ how nice for you “ and but what is not said directly is “ go away because you didn’t search for X number of years so you don’t count. “

 

That always leaves me bewildered .

 

Especially when people say, well those people in relationships are setting. Well,no, many of us are not “ settling”.

 

i totally get it. and you're right people don't want to hear you are happy. or more so, they don't want to think about how hard it has been for them and that it is a reflection of them.

 

i think that people tend to think just because it happened early in life, it was easier.

 

it's like anything else, people try to defend whatever they're situation is and degrade the opposite. as a society this is so wrong... and just perpetuates more stereotypes.

 

i feel like i learn a lot from the happy couples around me. it helps me stay centered in that, all the drama etc is dumb and to rise above it. keep going and find a nice partner that truly gives a hay.

 

i think it took me a long time to learn that. like so many things i used to think were so important, are not. and its the caring that matters.

[Seraphim]

i totally get it. and you're right people don't want to hear you are happy. or more so, they don't want to think about how hard it has been for them and that it is a reflection of them.

 

i think that people tend to think just because it happened early in life, it was easier.

 

it's like anything else, people try to defend whatever they're situation is and degrade the opposite. as a society this is so wrong... and just perpetuates more stereotypes.

 

i feel like i learn a lot from the happy couples around me. it helps me stay centered in that, all the drama etc is dumb and to rise above it. keep going and find a nice partner that truly gives a hay.

 

i think it took me a long time to learn that. like so many things i used to think were so important, are not. and its the caring that matters.

It always leaves me bewildered that people can’t be happy for one another. My childhood was a horror story and finding my husband restored my faith in human beings and men specifically. To that point all but 2 men in my entire existence had abused me some how. So he brought me out of mental and emotional death. I dunno...

 

I guess people get one tracked about aspects of life . They don’t look at a whole life .

 

I guess they just think my whole life was a joy because I found a husband . But life has many storylines and phases.

[Lambert]

It always leaves me bewildered that people can’t be happy for one another. My childhood was a horror story and finding my husband restored my faith in human beings and men specifically. To that point all but 2 men in my entire existence had abused me some how. So he brought me out of mental and emotional death. I dunno...

 

I guess people get one tracked about aspects of life . They don’t look at a whole life .

 

I guess they just think my whole life was a joy because I found a husband . But life has many storylines and phases.

this exactly!

 

I'm sorry this happened to you, seraphim ((hugs))

 

But thank God, you found love and peace.

[Beetie]

although there are certainly those with a chip on their shoulder, I dont think its so much about not being able to be happy for one another. But no matter what stage we're at in life we want to be surrounded by people who make us feel good.

 

As much as I like being around my happily coupled friends to remind me of what I should be looking for for myself, too much of that (depending on how the happy couple present themselves) makes me depressed and I need to go back to my single friends who are in the same boat as me.

[Seraphim]

this exactly!

 

I'm sorry this happened to you, seraphim ((hugs))

 

But thank God, you found love and peace.

 

Thank you, yes, both he and I worked so so hard to be happy. We both struggle with mental illness issues even into today that horribly damaged our relationship from his end and mine. We lost 4 children to miscarriage and our only living child requires supporting due to disability. We live the military life. So our life has definitely not been “ easy” and we have been close to ending it a few times. But we weathered and are happy now.

 

So even happy couples have stories of hardship.

[Lambert]

Thank you, yes, both he and I worked so so hard to be happy. We both struggle with mental illness issues even into today that horribly damaged our relationship from his end and mine. We lost 4 children to miscarriage and our only living child requires supporting due to disability. We live the military life. So our life has definitely not been “ easy” and we have been close to ending it a few times. But we weathered and are happy now.

 

So even happy couples have stories of hardship.

wow. that is a lot. I sometimes hear these stories from married people and how challenging life can be and somehow they make it through it. when I'm dating someone, he can't even handle I left the toothpaste cap off. [emoji23]

 

For myself I feel that I haven't settled. And to be fair most of my previous relationships would have been settling. Not that the person was low quality but maybe not the best timing or just simply would not be healthy long term. a lot of heartache in my past. which was actually predicated by a tea leaf reader. haha... i think about that sometimes. one of my gfs told me in a drunken state that maybe i was cursed by a witch. lo l

 

But on the other hand, I grew up a in a privileged, charmed childhood, have a career that I busted my chops to build and have a large circle of friends.

 

My sister is more like you. So we couldn't be more opposite but we always say to each other, one isn't better than the other. Just different.

[Batya33]

i totally get it. and you're right people don't want to hear you are happy. or more so, they don't want to think about how hard it has been for them and that it is a reflection of them.

 

i think that people tend to think just because it happened early in life, it was easier.

 

it's like anything else, people try to defend whatever they're situation is and degrade the opposite. as a society this is so wrong... and just perpetuates more stereotypes.

 

i feel like i learn a lot from the happy couples around me. it helps me stay centered in that, all the drama etc is dumb and to rise above it. keep going and find a nice partner that truly gives a hay.

 

i think it took me a long time to learn that. like so many things i used to think were so important, are not. and its the caring that matters.

 

Yes -I was referring to women who met their partners early on and didn't go through the whole dating scene -or go through the serious obstacles you did (so inspiring, your story) -there are downsides to that too but yes it seemed like an easier path when it happened that way. And while it's a minority I suppose I've had too many comments from those early married friends ranging from assuming when I was single that I led a "wild and crazy single life" (no, at that time I was dating my future husband, working my behind off and trying to conceive which she did not know), that I was single because I was too focused on my career, that I should be happy with my career as a substitute for marriage/family, and the admonishing "well, just pick one!" when I was single in my 30s.

 

Oh and the best from my friend who met her husband in her 30s and was over the moon crazy in love with this handsome guy (and she was very beautiful) -she said with no sarcasm "just marry the guy, have your baby then get divorced!". So after about 7 years of marriage, she cheated on her husband after having 2 kids, (he may have cheated too) and got divorced from the guy she was so in love with.

[Lambert]

Yes -I was referring to women who met their partners early on and didn't go through the whole dating scene -or go through the serious obstacles you did (so inspiring, your story) -there are downsides to that too but yes it seemed like an easier path when it happened that way. And while it's a minority I suppose I've had too many comments from those early married friends ranging from assuming when I was single that I led a "wild and crazy single life" (no, at that time I was dating my future husband, working my behind off and trying to conceive which she did not know), that I was single because I was too focused on my career, that I should be happy with my career as a substitute for marriage/family, and the admonishing "well, just pick one!" when I was single in my 30s.

 

Oh and the best from my friend who met her husband in her 30s and was over the moon crazy in love with this handsome guy (and she was very beautiful) -she said with no sarcasm "just marry the guy, have your baby then get divorced!". So after about 7 years of marriage, she cheated on her husband after having 2 kids, (he may have cheated too) and got divorced from the guy she was so in love with.

hi batya!

 

As much as I love this forum and I find all the topics interesting and responses as well. There's a lot of generalizations, as we try to give advice and perspectives. And I really just think any given situation is going to go the way it's going to go because it's not exact science.

 

Do people settle? yes. But maybe it's not settling maybe it's negotiating what you're willing to put up with in terms of compromise to get what you want maybe more so.

 

Don't we all do that in every aspect of Our Lives?

 

I guess I just never met the guy or I haven't met the guy yet, (never is a long time) that has potential. I think if you read my posts, you can tell I'm a giver and I always give the benefit of the doubt.... but I really try to keep my inner dialogue honest with myself. And because of that I think I've been able to move on from past relationships because i need more and it is possible. I know people judge me. And I wish it didn't hurt my feelings, but i handle it the best i can. like everything else. lol