The other woman

[Jung2]

I’ve been best friends with kate for about 18 years and she recently was my maid of honor. Kate met a new coworker and started hooking up with him for about two months until he went back to his ex. His ex, Isla,works with them. When she told us about him (Jon) going back to his ex.. she was very cool about it. She just said that he wanted to go back to her and that she doesn’t need him and it was just sex. In my mind, I was really shocked and surprised how she handled everything. Kate is pretty guliable and very naive when it comes to guys. She’s never had a real relationship that lasted more than two months and she will completely change herself just to please the guy she’s dating. Anyways, A month passed and she tells me that she’s still friends with Jon but they’re not hooking up. They’re just really good friends. There was a rumor going around at her work that jon got Isla pregnant and she was pretty upset because she thought that Jon would tell her right away. Another month passed, and I came to find out that she’s been hooking up with him again and it kills me how she would let that happened. She tells me that she’s selfish and she knows that she’s wrong for doing this, bud she can’t leave him because she’s already “attached”. Mind you, She didn’t tell me about this till a couple months in because she knows I do not support in cheating or taking something that’s not mine. It’s against my morals and I feel like this is putting a strain into our friendship. I tried helping her by giving her all these advices and letting her know that she’s worth more than to share some guy who obviously doesn’t give a about anyone’s feelings. He even said he’s not going to leave the gf for her. So I don’t understand why the hell is she still clinging on. He tells her he doesn’t want to leave his gf because of the baby and is Afraid that the gf won’t let him see his child. And by the way..She tells me that he loves to call her a side chick and how he tells her that he wished he had gotten her pregnant instead of his gf . And here she is ..stupid enough to believe everything he’s saying. Not only that, the gf went up to Kate last week and apologized to her for making false assumptions between her baby daddy and Kate. Kate acknowledge her apology and pretty much lied to the gf that there was nothing going on.

 

I’m beginning to resent my friend. The best friend I was friends with would never do that. And if I’m going to stick with her and her drama I feel like she may think that I’m supporting her and that would make my vows to my husband a damn joke. I’ve already told her that I don’t support her and I don’t want to hear about it anymore. I’ve been distancing myself away and every time she asks to hang out. I just lie and say I’m busy. I don’t want to be associated with people like her. It’s disgusting. I resent her for not knowing her self worth. She keeps on asking to hang out and I just told her the truth. I told her that I don’t want to be part of her drama and when she’s done with this drama then we can talk. And now she’s using this reverse psychology on me and is making me feel bad. She said that she’s going to distance herself from everyone and how she doesn’t deserve to have friends blah blah. And I pretty much snapped and just told her to stop being so dramatic. So my group of friends hung out with her today and told me that she looks horrible and u could tell that she’s very lost and not herself. I don’t know whether to reach out to her and be there for her or just keep distancing myself. She has friends. She has people to talk to. But I just feel horrible that I’m not there when she needs me the most but it’s against my morals and I don’t want to deal with it if she won’t listen.

 

Help.

[Wiseman2]

It seems the relationship has run it's course. Keep doing what you are doing and distance yourself. Try not to get caught up in her drama.

I’ve already told her that I don’t support her and I don’t want to hear about it anymore. I told her that I don’t want to be part of her drama and when she’s done with this drama then we can talk.

[Jung2]

Would I be considered a bad friend since I’m technically not there for her when she needs me the most? I’m just feeling so guilty! I don’t want her to feel alone and get depressed and harm herself.

[Wiseman2]

Friends don't need to be therapists. In fact trying to moralize or parent or nurse her is not in your or her best interest. Stay out of it since you are way too emotional about her behavior. Do not engage in her drama out of curiosity. Be a real friend and let her seek therapy.

I don’t want her to feel alone and get depressed and harm herself.

[Jung2]

You’re absolutely right. I guess.. I just never really thought of it that way. Thank you!

[Snny]

A couple of things:

 

There was a rumor going around at her work that jon got Isla pregnant and she was pretty upset because she thought that Jon would tell her right away.

Announcing a pregnancy to anyone is a VERY personal choice- especially in a workplace. Your friend is being a total drama queen about it and making it about herself. She needs to grow up here.

 

And if I’m going to stick with her and her drama I feel like she may think that I’m supporting her and that would make my vows to my husband a damn joke.

Her decisions has NOTHING to do with your marriage. Don't even go there. Maid of Honor means honored guest and nothing more. You don't need to feed into her drama either by making her bad decisions about YOU.

 

I told her that I don’t want to be part of her drama and when she’s done with this drama then we can talk. And now she’s using this reverse psychology on me and is making me feel bad. She said that she’s going to distance herself from everyone and how she doesn’t deserve to have friends blah blah.

You didn't lose a true friend here then if that was her reaction. Tough luck on her.

 

So my group of friends hung out with her today and told me that she looks horrible and u could tell that she’s very lost and not herself. I don’t know whether to reach out to her and be there for her or just keep distancing myself.

Good. She was given a social consequence for HER behavior. Let it sink in and move on.

 

And you're friends need to butt out of the drama too. Tell them you don't want to hear about her again.

 

And no, don't reach out. The ball is in her court. She should be reaching out to you and apologize if she wants to keep the friendship going. You ended it based her her behavior and she needs to be the one who decides to grown the hell up or still do whatever she is doing. You made your point clear. Don't go back on it or you won't be taken seriously.

[ThatwasThen]

Would I be considered a bad friend since I’m technically not there for her when she needs me the most? I’m just feeling so guilty! I don’t want her to feel alone and get depressed and harm herself.

 

If she harms herself it wouldn't be your fault anyway. To stay and be her emotional tampon is enabling her to continue on in her self-respect reducing dysfunctional, emotional abuse of HERSELF.

 

Get her pamphlets on mental health counselling to help her to realize that she actually deserves better then being someone's side chick, tell her to call you when she's ended her dysfunctional 'relationship' with baller-boy and you will help and support her as she goes through her therapy. Tell her to call you when she's fulfilled those conditions and then wash your hands of it all.

[Jung2]

A couple of things:

 

 

Announcing a pregnancy to anyone is a VERY personal choice- especially in a workplace. Your friend is being a total drama queen about it and making it about herself. She needs to grow up here.

 

 

Her decisions has NOTHING to do with your marriage. Don't even go there. Maid of Honor means honored guest and nothing more. You don't need to feed into her drama either by making her bad decisions about YOU.

 

 

You didn't lose a true friend here then if that was her reaction. Tough luck on her.

 

 

Good. She was given a social consequence for HER behavior. Let it sink in and move on.

 

And you're friends need to butt out of the drama too. Tell them you don't want to hear about her again.

 

And no, don't reach out. The ball is in her court. She should be reaching out to you and apologize if she wants to keep the friendship going. You ended it based her her behavior and she needs to be the one who decides to grown the hell up or still do whatever she is doing. You made your point clear. Don't go back on it or you won't be taken seriously.

 

 

 

 

Actually, being a maid of honor doesn’t mean it’s just an “honored” guest. It actually means more than that. My honored guests are the people who I invite to my wedding. There’s a difference. Anyways, I didn’t put her drama out there so I can make it seem like her decisions are about me. That makes no sense. I was just trying to state that she’s more than a friend to me. We’re very close. Hence, why I said that she was my maid of honor.

Thank you for the other advices.

[Silverbirch]

I'm just different to a lot of people here. I probably wouldn't dump a long

-term friendship with a favourite gf because of who she is bonking. I would tell her she deserves heaps better. I don't recall ever being therapist to friends. When I am with my female friends, we have lots mire to talk about than men. I don't need to compare what someone else is doing as a reflection on my own morals.

[Jibralta]

I don't need to compare what someone else is doing as a reflection on my own morals.

 

Same. I'd probably distance myself because I didn't want to hear about her part in the affair. That would make me feel bad. But I wouldn't end the friendship and I'd be there if she needed me.