Jetta Posted February 16, 2018 Share Posted February 16, 2018 She treats me like a teenager, she forbid me to go see him. Even calling me a prostitute because I wanted to drive down to see him. I still want to go but can't face the wrath of my mother. She said she'd disown me, if I didn't need her so much I wouldn't care, she threatened to kick me out of the house (I pay rent, by law I get 30 days notice). She just berraded me so badly. Screaming yelling for an hour at least. He broke up with me this time because he has no respect for a women who can't stand up to her mother basically and told me it will be a perpetual problem, which I know he's right. So I'm trying to connect with a roommate and get out sooner rather than later. She told me to pack my bags and go move in with him, if I wanted to do that I would have done that already. I'm just so sick of her controlling my life I'm 43 almost 44 and it's insane! She acts like all we do is . He has ED he talks more than he does. And we date more than she thinks. I really enjoyed my time with him, but I saw things I didn't like, and I'm not even allowed to come to my own conclusion in my own time because my mother made my decision impossible for me to make myself. I'm so done, I've e-mailed several people today and am waiting for a response. She may have some valid points but forcing her opinion on me is unnecessary. I have my own agenda and she ruined my plans. Link to comment
melancholy123 Posted February 16, 2018 Share Posted February 16, 2018 At 43 why are you living with your mother? Link to comment
jakeatl Posted February 16, 2018 Share Posted February 16, 2018 At 43 why are you living with your mother? True ^ But hey, everyone has different lifestyles. I was going to say, if you're over the age of 18 it doesn't matter what she wants for you. Do what you want to do, but definitely think about moving out first. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted February 16, 2018 Share Posted February 16, 2018 He broke up with me this time because he has no respect for a women who can't stand up to her mother basically and told me it will be a perpetual problem, which I know he's right. Everything for you comes back to you blaming mom. Again, like was said a million times before -- mom is right to be at her wit's end. You have lost any right to visit your daughter and are so tied up in the next man that comes along that you don't care. You have been taken advantage of by men and were ready to move to be with this newer guy who had an unstable situation because your step dad said "you deserve to be happy and meet someone." The minute you decide to stay the course and get your life in order is when you can date and when you will have a good relationship with mom. She has bailed you out every single time --- the last guy you lost everything with because he had credit cards in your name and basically banktrupted you --- and at the end you blamed mother because she decided that you she could not make car payments for you anymore. She has taken you back many times, even when she had a new husband and all you do is blame mom. Please, please, get yourself into medical care or whatever you need to do to be able to be granted the right to have visits with your daughter - without a liasion. You seem so matter of fact about it and razor focused on blaming your mother, when you should be thanking her for putting up with everything. Its not about standing up to your mother, but standing up to yourself and wanting better -- you will never do it, but take a year to see doctors and psychiatrists, get yourself off of public assistance and get yourself into housing at the right time. And if you just got to see your daughter again -- work on your relationship with her instead of throwing everything away for another guy that is not worth a penny You were doing fine until you go sidetracked again by another guy Link to comment
abitbroken Posted February 16, 2018 Share Posted February 16, 2018 https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=547230 this is what you said: He refuses to drive up and would rather end things than compromise so I too said we're done. So much for a happy valentines day. I was working on a pros/cons list and the cons were winning anyway. He's not relationship material, at least not for me, with his refusal to compromise. I painted my nails, my mom is happy, I'm a little sad. Still working on my move out plan, was planning to myself and hoping to with him anyway. So how can it be suddenly about mother? Link to comment
Jetta Posted February 16, 2018 Author Share Posted February 16, 2018 We reconnected the next day. He asked me to come down, I wanted to, but she said I was prostituting myself. Also I have a mental illness and had a breakdown recently when I was out living on my own and got overly stressed. So I'm trying to put in place things that will not have that happen again. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted February 16, 2018 Share Posted February 16, 2018 We reconnected the next day. He asked me to come down, I wanted to, but she said I was prostituting myself. Also I have a mental illness and had a breakdown recently when I was out living on my own and got overly stressed. So I'm trying to put in place things that will not have that happen again. This relationship was not working out due to him being an inappropriate person to date (the distance, his baggage) and the timing (you are not ready to date. Any man that wants to be in a relationship with someone who had recently had a breadown does not have good boundaries.) It is not about mom -- she might have made a frustrating or inappropriate comment, but overall the story is the same --- you have many threads about how things are mom's fault/you butting heads with mom, but this woman has moved you right back in after every misstep and has sheltered you when she could have told you that she doesn't care and to live in a shelter or whatever. She sees you going back again and making the same mistakes over and over. Just put yourself in her shoes for once. She wants you to be a functioning adult and to stand on your two feet before she dies -- but you seem to always want to be finding a new guy - whether its focusing on if a guy at work likes you, this guy, whomever. so if she says one weird comment, just brush it off. But if you decided that its for the best that you broke up and she feels you are running to him for sex---or like you forgot what the heck you broke up for in the first place within 24 hours --- she is just beyond frustration. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted February 16, 2018 Share Posted February 16, 2018 We reconnected the next day. He asked me to come down, I wanted to, but she said I was prostituting myself. Also I have a mental illness and had a breakdown recently when I was out living on my own and got overly stressed. So I'm trying to put in place things that will not have that happen again. Then make the best of things with mom. And the more you stay on track -- the better your relationship will be with her --- no men, just keeping up with counseling, working, etc, whatever it is to stay focused. Your mom is the only one that has your back. She is right to have a boundary -- if you take up with this man again, you are out. Live with mom for 2 years without snapping back, without dating a man, etc, and you will see your life change dramatically. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted February 16, 2018 Share Posted February 16, 2018 So you want to continue to drive to him just to keep him? And this is Mom's fault somehow, that this man will only see you if you accommodate him even though he refuses to come see you? Mom's fault? I can't understand why you are making men your priority when you have a child who I'm sure would love to be reunited with you. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted February 16, 2018 Share Posted February 16, 2018 Stop blaming your mother! She has been the only one that has stood by you! Once again: focus on your daughter. Be done with this guy! Focus on getting your sh$t together - I know this is falling on deaf ears. Link to comment
Jetta Posted February 16, 2018 Author Share Posted February 16, 2018 I lived with her for 8 years before moving on my own. I didn't have a plan other than work. Didn't realize I should have had a savings. I'm moving out and contacting whomever I can find to make that happen sooner. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted February 16, 2018 Share Posted February 16, 2018 Just try not to get yourself so under water that you have to end up moving back. Because, haven't you had to move back more than once because you jumped the gun and moved out too soon? Plan a budget and make sure there's a cushion for unexpected emergencies. If you would be literally living paycheck to paycheck with no contingencies for car repairs, medical emergencies, etc., you might not make it. If you add things up and you'd have only a few dollars or pennies left over after paying expenses, you may want to wait until you can build up a cushion. Jumping without a plan is not advised. I get you're frustrated but it would be even more frustrating if you end up having to move back due to insufficient planning. Link to comment
Annia Posted February 16, 2018 Share Posted February 16, 2018 I haven't read your previous threads so I don't know, but I think that the problem is not your mother disturbing your dating life, it's more about what's keeping you living with your mother at 43 if you're so miserable living with her. It's not about her but more about you. If it's a money problem, try to get work if you're unemployed and spare enough money so that you can move out and build a more independent life. Link to comment
Annia Posted February 16, 2018 Share Posted February 16, 2018 We reconnected the next day. He asked me to come down, I wanted to, but she said I was prostituting myself. Also I have a mental illness and had a breakdown recently when I was out living on my own and got overly stressed. So I'm trying to put in place things that will not have that happen again. Are you getting medical help? Link to comment
Jetta Posted February 16, 2018 Author Share Posted February 16, 2018 Yes I'm getting lots of medical help. Therapies, psychologist, case manager, financial worker, adult mental health case manager. Got stable, been stable nearly a year now. Just need housing that isn't mom's house. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted February 17, 2018 Share Posted February 17, 2018 Yes I'm getting lots of medical help. Therapies, psychologist, case manager, financial worker, adult mental health case manager. Got stable, been stable nearly a year now. Just need housing that isn't mom's house. Wait until you have money saved. To make things better with mom, do things in your spare time so you aren't just sitting in the house - go for a walk - join a walking group, join a book group at the library. Things that don't involve chasing men. See how things are in six months. "stand" your mother for another year and you will find that when you move it will be permanent instead of mom scooping you up and dusting you off again. You just recovered from the bankruptcy from your brief marriage, right? Just be patient- == you have not been stable for a year because you were just able to see your daughter again, right? It just feels like a year. One foot in front of the other. But you need to be patient - Mom is actually keeping you slightly accountable Link to comment
catfeeder Posted February 17, 2018 Share Posted February 17, 2018 Your mom was happy with you a day ago, and you seemed to understand that a guy who's not even willing to put in the effort to visit you in your town is no prize. Now he's wonderful again, and mom is awful? Mom treats you like a teenager because you're acting like one. You keep derailing yourself over men, and you've been a lousy judge of men. Pipe down, apologize to mom and skip the guy. Put your focus back onto your goal of stability, not stupidity. Head high. Link to comment
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