Mr not ready but still want to be friends

[Natkyri]

Im feeling so defeated.

 

Ive recently had a sudden break up. Despite it only being 7 months, im really upset. I liked him a lot and thought we were going to get over anything.

 

Long story short, i met a guy through some friends of ours. I orginally wanted to keep it low key and take it easy, but within weeks everyone knew because he told a friend (it seemed he was happy to have met me). His close mates seemed stoked for us and saw us as two peas in a pod and we were gettin on great. He was the first to ask about our status and we both agreed that we were exclusive. 2-3 months into dating he had a bit of a turn (i think he was freakin out about it going too fast). He was really drunk one night and a bit mean too me. He was saying that he didn't like his living situation, didn't earn enough and couldn't give me what i wanted ect...

The next day we talked things through and i made it clear that i wasnt going backwards so we either ended it or we continued as g.f/b.f. I also told him i was going to take a few days off and i took some of my things home with me. I gave him the opportunity to get out.

 

It didn't take too long before he messaged me and after a few days we met up and agreed to stay together as b.f/g.f and to take things at our own pace. Things were back on track again and ive never been happier. He invited me to spend xmas with him and his fam (knowing my fam is on the other side of the world). The family were lovely and it felt so easy.

 

Unfortunately, after of late his efforts became less. I was assuming it was because he was just comfortable and didnt need to impress anymore.. however his efforts towards me became less and less and his wanting to hang with friends & drink excessively was getting more and more.

 

Somtimes he would be 100% in and want me to join with his friends but it was gettin less and less. He was also gettin snappy at me and seemed unhappy in his work and life situation. But i let things go aside.

 

The thing that broke me was this;

I needed picking up from a staff party as it was in the middle of nowhere. He had agreed and because id been able to drive him around the weekend before, he was returning the favour. Unfortunately, he decided to go out drinking himself instead and i got a last minute text to say he couldn't. Luckily i was able to stay there, but i still felt let down.

And i told him so.

 

I said i felt let down and that drink means more to him than anything. At the time he was apologetic and asked to talk later. I snapped back, 'that there was nothing to talk about as he got drunk and cancelled, end of'. Maybe a bit harsh.

 

The next day he didn't contact me. I waited for another day, and still nothing. This angered me even more... long story short: We have ended. Im devasted, but half know i deserve better. He admitted he must not be ready if thats what he did. He still wants to remain friends (but is this just what guys say??). Admittedly i did get a bit more needy as i felt him pull away too. So i know this Probably didn't help.

 

He has been very apologetic and admits he needs to sort out his life but he hasn't asked to give him another go, as guessed he wasnt ready anyways. so im assuming he is done. Do i just walk away?

 

I feel very used and upset he didn't tell me months ago when i he had the chance. Why lead me on?

 

Guys, am i right in sensing he is done & walk away or is there hope we might get back together if we just have a breather ? Its only been 4 days, but im hurt.

[Wiseman2]

Yes go no contact and delete and block him. He wants to date and drink not be in a relationship. Do not try to fix him. Let him get his act together on his own.

He has been very apologetic and admits he needs to sort out his life but he hasn't asked to give him another go, as guessed he wasnt ready anyways. so im assuming he is done.

[MissCanuck]

His actions are clearly showing you he is not boyfriend material for you. He isn't ready for the relationship you're seeking.

 

He may have well thought he was ready, but he's learned he isn't. I wouldn't bother tying to resuscitate something that was already bumpy after just 7 months. Your goals and priorities are too different for this work out.

[Keyman]

2-3 months in your gave him an ultimatum because he was worried about being able to continue. You gave him an out but obviously he was too scared to take it because he liked you. He was freaking out and you forced him to a make a decision. He made the wrong one because he was scared.

 

If a women gave me an ultimatum after 2-3 months, I would have walked away. And he should have. But he didn't. This should have been a red flag for you also. If you have to do that then it's probably not going to work out.

 

Now, months later, it has all fallen apart, but you feel blindsided?

 

This is over and should not be again. How do you think that after a few days this would all get going again and somehow work out okay this time? It will be more of the same. Take YOUR opportunity and be done with this doomed relationship.

[Lambert]

Awww. I'm sorry. I understand why you feel blind sided. when you decided to stay together, u thought the situation was resolved. I've done that, too. the thing is - it really doesn't matter. hurt feelings are hurt feelings. you need to wrap your head around what happened and ride out the emotional roller coaster. couple of things to think about:

 

1. getting drunk and not picking you up. this is a big deal. i mean come on. you want to be with someone that has more integrity and a better character. if you excuse it away as drunk actions, you are short changing yourself. you are saying to him and your beautiful self that his actions, needs, and treatment of you are more important than your own. this is a slippery slope and years down the road you may find yourself unhappy in a lopsided relationship, starving for your needs to be met. But you taught him that how you feel doesn't matter as long as he is happy.

 

2. its ok to let go of a person and choose yourself. in the future things could be different but for right now you do you. do things that help you feel better that don't involve anything with him. funny thing about life is, as he comes back, you may find you don't care anymore.... and that's ok. don't hold yourself to some loyalty standard to him.

 

3. don't beat yourself up. have a loving inner dialogue. know that good things are coming for you. you just have to be ready for them. holding on to the past is not being ready. when you think of him think of something else. this takes practice, so keep trying. i meditate and have found some guided meditations on line that help. when I'm not meditating and i have thoughts of my ex (mornings are the hardest for me. a lot of thoughts then) i use positive affirmations. you can also find lists on line.

 

4. Lastly, life is about the people that stay, not the people that go.... let him go! as great as you think things were in sure there were things that weren't great. be open to having better things in the future. this too shall pass.

[Hollyj]

You need to block and delete.

 

He was not upfront, quite immature, not reliable, and has issues with alcohol.

 

I would move on from this guy.

[Lambert]

You need to block and delete.

 

He was not upfront, quite immature, not reliable, and has issues with alcohol.

 

I would move on from this guy.

Hollyj! right to the point. love it!

[Natkyri]

Thanks everyone.

 

I think moving on is my only option and hopfully i feel its the best decusion very soon.

[reinventmyself]

Thanks everyone.

 

I think moving on is my only option and hopfully i feel its the best decusion very soon.

Is there something to discuss?

Didn't he say he wasn't ready and needed to sort out himself?

I get it's a rather indirect way to say he's done and given his actions that backup the obvious I don't what there is to talk about.

I am sorry this happened.

I understand sometimes we just need to hear it in a more direct way. But spare yourself that moment and carry on as if you already know.

If anything changes. . he'll have to let you know.

[Natkyri]

Thank you reinvent myself:

 

"Is there something to discuss?

Didn't he say he wasn't ready and needed to sort out himself?"

 

He did say that. He wasn't as direct with saying it though. I wont write it all down but basically he was full of apologies and letting me down, said i deserve better ect... but yes he said i 'guess' my hearts not in it anymore if thats what i did and later said 'maybe' i wasn't ready. But yea, i guess thats as direct as it gets.

 

I know ive told you all the negative things, but the positive things he did made me think he was ready. Ie; Meeting his family (i never pushed or asked to met them, he came up with this) at first inviting me to meet all his mates, booking a spa day for me, his mum and his sister, cooking dinner, going camping.. we were on a roll but from out of nowhere, this all stopped for the last3 weeks.

 

We still have tickets for a show in march and he still wants to go with me... but im guessing its just to soften the blow.

 

Anyway i am going to try and take on what you have all said to me and put myself first.

 

One of the hardest thing, is that ive found myself isolated and lonely because im so far from my family. (I moved abroad to work/study 3 years ago). Im now staying in a beautiful country but im so far away from my family and friends. I haven't quite found a good friend here that i love to hang out with and when i met this guy i thought my life was just falling into place ya know, especially as i started my studies and new job around the same time.

 

My time here is temporary, i have 3 more years and if i want to stay then ill need sponsorship, Which is possible if i push for it, but very stressful and expensive. He knew of this, which could be another reason why he didn't really want to committ... but i guess i believed that if it was love, it would have worked out one way or another. Anyways ive found myself isolated and lonely again.

 

My head will never get around the fact that all his mates were sure he was smitten with me and from how he talked about me loved me. But of course the issue that happened 2-3 months in 'should' have been a sign for me to walk away but i did think it was resolved and believed the reason he freaked was because he was financially unhappy and not able to provide a house ect...

 

But anyway the last 3 weeks of the relationship was really tell signs he was NOT ready (not anymore), drinking and hanging with the boys was his main priority. Especially since he srarted this new job that he seems to hate.

 

Also, Many of these guys he hangs out with have lost the love of thier lives to thier bad drinking and drug taking.

 

So on that note. I am better off. Ill start telling myself that everyday.

 

I will do my best to start a hobby, continue with my studies and see where life takes me.. hopfully i stay living in this beautiful country and who knows, met someone down the track when i least expect it

[catfeeder]

his wanting to hang with friends & drink excessively

 

Don't look 'around' this, look AT it. This isn't relationship material. Period.

[Wiseman2]

It seems you have insight into the problems. Why do you prefer this country to your own? He just wanted to date and only 7 mos in you were totally dependent on him socially and started talking about sponsorship. No one wants to be used for a visa. No one "commits" after 7 mos of dating. It seems he and his friends and family eventually grew leery because of your social dependency and talk of sponsorship. They may have thought you have an agenda. It would be best to learn to make friends at college, join clubs, groups and socialize more. Also discuss with your scholastic advisers about setting up a future job to give you a work visa. Don't date for a residency.

ive found myself isolated and lonely because im so far from my family. if i want to stay then ill need sponsorship, He knew of this.

[Natkyri]

Hi. Thank you for your advise and input. My sponsorship is through work not relationship and he was the one suggesting to me to get one. Before we met i had already started my job and a course that allows me to get sponsored and i had been in this country for a while. I didnt get with him to stay here because i can do that anyway. My sponsorship will happen with or without being in a relationship. So i will make that clear. I was with him because i liked him.

 

He got with me and asked me out knowing all of this. So its a bit unfair to put that all on me.

 

But yes, when people travel and are not a citizen, then of course it means either the other person moves back to their country, or they make it work here or split... Also the family have not grown leery of me. Who said this? I have no "agenda" i fell for a guy.... thats it.

 

We split because i thought he was drinking too much and going down a slippery slope. Nothing to do with his family. They are from the same country as me.. infact they are not born citizens here either.

 

Im still going to study here and continue to work here for the next few years and see myself if i want to stay.. maybe ill travel elsewhere. The world is a big place and there's many cultures to experience. But yes, if i travel i guess long term relationships will be tough unless i meet a soulmate who loves to travel the world. And im doing well in my studies.

 

Thank you catfeeder... im.looking AT the picture and will move on xx

[Silverbirch]

Hi Nat,

I agree with you in that alcohol was the big problem here. Not much you can do as he has to come to that realisation himself, and deal with it himself.

 

I'm sorry it worked out like this for you, and appreciate how difficult it must be and what a disappointment it must be. I think you are right to go no contact. I do suspect though that you will hear from him further down the track.

 

I'm sure you won't me lonely too long. Young women living in other countries than their birth often attract a lot of attention from men. Of course, you seem to have heaps of other things to offer too. Xx

[Natkyri]

Hi Nat,

I agree with you in that alcohol was the big problem here.

 

I think you are right to go no contact. I do suspect though that you will hear from him further down the track.

 

Thanks silverbirch... Well the no contact went well for about a week and he may have come back but I think I've ruined it.. oops.

 

I made the mistake of messaging after a week of no contact to pick up my things. When I got there we were very amicable and both seemed sad but at the same time I was feeling confident and held myself together. He admitted he needed to change and that I hadn't done anything wrong..(so far, so good)

 

I only stayed 20 mins as i had somewhere else to go but I stayed long enough to say what I needed I. E: "that if he gave up on us over drinks and a life with his buddies, that he was a bit silly and he might need to reconsider his true friends".

Some of the guys have made contact with me since the split and seem rather happy we had split. So I'd say they are not real friends. Just to note : Im NOT interested in dating anyone else right now, especially anyone close to him. That is disrespectful.

 

Anyway after a nice chat I guess I was feeling great and hopful. He wanted to see me again. I told him that might be possible down the line and see how things go. So we decided to stay friends (bad idea).

 

Anyway, as we know Valentine's Day has just been. I didn't expect much and I know it's just a day to make money but I'd be lying if I didn't hope for a message, ya know. Secretly (because I still have feelings) I thought I'd get just a short text. But nothing and my birthday is in 3 days (I expect I won't even get a text) so I'm feeling quite vulnerable. I'll be spending it alone but I have treated myself to a spa at least. Right now I can't think of anything worse than going out just for the sake of it. I just need me time and pampering.

 

Anyway, from the lack of effort for a text on a day he knows he could, I know that it is over for good. I've done the worst thing too because I messaged the next day saying something petty : well nothing shows how little you feel when you say nothing aye (well along those lines)... I know I should not have. I'm not proud I did. I regret it of course.

I'm my own worst nightmare. I've never been like this before. My stomach is turning.

 

I hope the pain goes. I've booked a visit to see my family (first time in 3 years) I miss them so much. Hopefully a visit home will bring me back to my strong / independent person I once was

[MissCanuck]

You did the right thing booking a trip to see your family. I live abroad too, and know how hard it is to be on your own in tough times.

 

In a way, he did you a big favour not sending you a Valentine's greeting. Think of how confused that would have made you, knowing he isn't relationship material. He doesn't want to give you false hope, so he actually did the right thing not reaching out on a couples' day. You cannot be friends right now either, as you know.

 

Focus on you now. Pampering sounds great! Keep up the self-love.

[Natkyri]

You did the right thing booking a trip to see your family. I live abroad too, and know how hard it is to be on your own in tough times.

 

In a way, he did you a big favour not sending you a Valentine's greeting. Think of how confused that would have made you, knowing he isn't relationship material. He doesn't want to give you false hope, so he actually did the right thing not reaching out on a couples' day. You cannot be friends right now either, as you know.

 

Focus on you now. Pampering sounds great! Keep up the self-love.

 

Ah it is comforting to know you understand that living abroad is challenging. If anything like me I live in a community where clicks have already been formed and the fact I relied on my ex for social things isn't because I'm not an independent person but because my situation is that friends I've made have ended up being very flakey. Just the way it is here.

 

Also i guess you are right. I wish he would just wake up and smell the roses of a good thing he had and a decent girl but now it's my turn for me to wake up and move on. It's better to be single and lonely than stay with someone who doesn't care

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this, but it was wise to pick up your stuff and end it. You want different things. Good idea to go home and sort yourself out and deal with your loneliness and being homesick.

I've booked a visit to see my family (first time in 3 years) I miss them so much.

[Natkyri]

Yes. My head says this is best. My heart disagrees but it is what it is now. A visit home will be a good thing. Just one month until I go.

 

It's very frustrating to see someone you care for choose a lifestyle that's going to end badly for them. I feel like shaking him saying wake up you fool. But maybe he will pull himself right.

 

As far as I know, he hasn't drunk much in two weeks. Instead he has been working long hours and hibernating in his home at evenings. When I did catch up with him he told me he hasn't even hung out with that mate who he was drinking with a lot because his mate has fallen for this girl and sees her most nights.

I had nothing to say to that. All I could think of 'well isn't that obvious'. His mates clearly wanted to meet someone, I even had them tell me they did and ask how did he get so lucky.

 

He also told me I saw you on tinder and super liked you. Firstly, I went on the app for one day and ended up uninstalling it the same night because I thought this isn't what I need. I think I had it for 20mins and logged in for like 10mins. I didn't even swipe like with anyone. I don't feel bad for going on it because it wasn't me who said I wasn't ready. But a bit cheeky of him I think..i pointed out to him that to have seen me he must of been on there too aye. And I also told him I didn't see any super likes because I uninstalled it not long after login in. Maybe like me he was just curious.. I kinda checked it out to see if he would pop up. Bit naughty really. He might have done the same thing. Who knows. All I know is it's done and I'm done with guys.