Mikaila Posted January 30, 2018 Share Posted January 30, 2018 Hi all! So last year I was terribly burned by a guy (you could see my early posts, basically it was such a huge thing because he was my first for almost everything, not kissing because I kissed someone for the first time like a week before I started going out with him). I went throguh a period of changing myself and now I look better, I feel sure of myself and of what I want and deserve but still it is difficult to trust the guy I am going out with 100%. We have been having great dates, proper dates. I was worried he was going to ask me to have sex soon (we had our 5th date last week and Thursday we will have our 6th) but when we are alone, yes we make out but it has not become sexual at all. Everything on how he is behaving it is reassuring me and he seems so much an open person and honest. But how can I trust him? How do I know that he is not humoring me only? It is only a case to wait and see, right? Link to comment
j.man Posted January 30, 2018 Share Posted January 30, 2018 I'm confused. What exactly are you worried about? You're emotionally investing way too much in someone you've been on a handful of dates with. Frankly, things are still fresh enough where either of you could decide tomorrow that you're simply not feeling the chemistry and break things off without any more qualification than that. Now, I'm definitely not saying that's what's going to happen, but, especially in the initial stages, you've got to spend more time having fun and less time looking for reassurance. There's never going to be a guarantee a dating experience will develop into a lasting and happy relationship, which isn't to say you should cast aside any red flags that pop up, but that you should cut both yourself and him a break with any expectations. If things are to develop, they'll develop. Link to comment
Mikaila Posted January 30, 2018 Author Share Posted January 30, 2018 Hi J., thanks for your reply. I think too much as usual. Fortunately it doesn't happen when I am with him, and I am enjoying my time with him a lot. Link to comment
jimthzz Posted January 30, 2018 Share Posted January 30, 2018 While it is good to protect oneself from danger or heartbreak, it is also good to not believe that all people are the same as the one who hurt you or broke your heart. Individuals are responsible for their own good or bad behavior. It is up to each of us to attempt to discern how a person will treat us. In a budding relationship, it is done by spending time over a longer period of time than a few dates. Good luck! Enjoy the good times! Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted January 30, 2018 Share Posted January 30, 2018 We tend to find what we look for. Focus on what you want, which sometimes is the more difficult puzzle. Link to comment
figureitout23 Posted January 30, 2018 Share Posted January 30, 2018 There's no reason to go into dating with your defenses up. You're not a victim of the dating process you're a willing participant right? You're worried a guy will make a move on you after 6 dates? Why? Serious question? What's the fear? That you won't be able to say no? That you have expectation and in your eyes he won't be meeting them? Are you afraid he will overpower you? What's the fear based on? You're in control of your dating expierience. People have all kinds of dating styles from casual hookup friendly to people who only date potential spouses and none of it is wrong it's about finding your way, finding your boundaries and sticking to it, holding your head high saying, 'this is what I'm looking for'. Again there is no reason for you to approach dating on the defense, it's supposed to be fun but far too many follow what they think it's he 'norm' over what they're comfortable with. And don't think there aren't men and women who take full advantage of that, so in a way when you approach dating in this way you're kinda setting yourself up. As another poster said, you gotta be your own cheerleader. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted January 30, 2018 Share Posted January 30, 2018 Earlier in my recent dating life I was defensive about my sexuality, wanting to weed out men who were interested in me "just for sex" as is the common phrase. I finally found some logical construct that helped me through that. I think it was (1) releasing the gender-weighted idea of sex and replacing it with a gender neutral one -- maybe I wanted sex? Why is it bad if a man is trying to strike up a fun, sexual connection with me? Maybe I actually want that -- and so what if I do? (2) Accepting that sexuality is personal, managed by each of us in our own way, which way may not be consistent over time. (3) Changing my language. I discovered that I need to feel valued as an individual; I don't need to be your only sexual partner -- unless I do, depending on who and how we are with one another; why do we say "just for sex"? In sum, if someone is with you for 6 dates, it isn't "just for sex". Even if it were, "just for sex" implies that your sex is some lowly thing. It isn't! If someone wants to have sex with you without knowing much about you, you will know enough to weed that person out, and can trust yourself to do that. There is a broad spectrum between sex and intimacy. Some people can get very close to others without themselves being vulnerable, others not so much and not in the same way. You can't ever know someone else's motivation, and their motivation may change over time. Gauging your own actions using someone else as a benchmark is confusing, and of course it is, because we all do this our own way. Trust yourself to learn about someone else -- you make friends, right? Make a friend. If there is an attraction, let it happen at your own pace. It is a guarantee that your pace will be your own and nobody else's. Communicate about that as necessary. Take it date by date. The future will show itself when you get there. Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted January 30, 2018 Share Posted January 30, 2018 The goal here is to not only be discerning about your choices, but to put a lot more focus in trusting yourself. I was worried he was going to ask me to have sex soon So what. .he asked to soon. Then maybe he's not the right guy for you. You are able to say no, right? You need to learn to be strong enough to handle whatever comes your way and no matter what, you'll be ok with the outcome. It makes dating a whole lot easier. I was much like you years ago. I put all my effort into looking for someone I could trust. When I reframed the way I went about it and put that effort into working on myself, it turned things around for me. Link to comment
Pleasedonot5 Posted January 30, 2018 Share Posted January 30, 2018 Hi all! So last year I was terribly burned by a guy (you could see my early posts, basically it was such a huge thing because he was my first for almost everything, not kissing because I kissed someone for the first time like a week before I started going out with him). I went throguh a period of changing myself and now I look better, I feel sure of myself and of what I want and deserve but still it is difficult to trust the guy I am going out with 100%. We have been having great dates, proper dates. I was worried he was going to ask me to have sex soon (we had our 5th date last week and Thursday we will have our 6th) but when we are alone, yes we make out but it has not become sexual at all. Everything on how he is behaving it is reassuring me and he seems so much an open person and honest. But how can I trust him? How do I know that he is not humoring me only? It is only a case to wait and see, right?Just to set one thing straight, a man going for sex or ramping up the intimacy doesn't mean that's all they are looking for. If you make sure you trust yourself to set strong personal boundaries (e.g. "I will only have sex after being in a relationship") then you'll find it's easier to trust men. Right now, it seems that you have it in your head that man = only wanting sex and any time a man acts sexual, it confirms that idea. It's a dangerous mindset to get into, especially if you enter into a relationship. Remember that you're largely in control of your dating experience, and that you can ask to slow down... Or even say "I'm looking for XYZ" directly. Speaking from a man's perspective, it's much easier to meet your expectations when we know what they are! Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted January 30, 2018 Share Posted January 30, 2018 I had a recollection of a conversation with my (male) therapist when telling him something similar, when a man might have wanted to have sex with me. Therapists response: 'Well, duh!!. Let's face it, men are going to want to have sex. Have sex with you or someone else. That's not a bad thing, you know. The goal here is to set that aside and try to figure out his other motives. The sex part is just a given" Reality check :) Hope it lightened the mood a bit. This moment in therapy did make me laugh. Link to comment
thealchemist Posted January 30, 2018 Share Posted January 30, 2018 I am a guy. I also have a very high libido. As such, sex is frequently on my mind, I am just a very sexual person. I also would attempt to convince a person I was dating to have sex with me if I was ready to do that. I happen to be a guy who has to have a strong emotional connection before I want to go there. But if I starting dating a woman and brought up sex and she told me that she wasn't ready I wouldn't think twice about it. Her knowing what she wants it a much more important thing than her not having sex with me. Honestly, any guy that doesn't take the "I'm not ready" from a woman very well wasn't wanting a meaningful relationship to begin with. Don't ever worry about telling a guy that. If you have dated a long time and you aren't ready (talking mature adults here) then you proabably won't be. But going on just a dozen dates or so is nothing. If everyone who was actually looking for a committed relationship waited like 1-3 months before bringing sex into it a lot more relationships would last. I feel that "sex goggles" makes a lot of people make poor relationship choices. Link to comment
PICCOLLO Posted January 30, 2018 Share Posted January 30, 2018 If you consider him to be a good guy and want to continue your relationship then be honest with him about how you feel. There are no guarentees in life. He might leave after you have sex, that might be after a drink, 3 dates or 50 dates. Just respect yourself and be comfortable with whatever decisions you make and when you make them. Link to comment
Jibralta Posted January 31, 2018 Share Posted January 31, 2018 But how can I trust him? How do I know that he is not humoring me only? First, trust yourself. Only do what you feel comfortable doing. If you don't want to have sex, let him know. Don't compromise yourself to please another person. A genuinely interested guy will stick around and get to know YOU. Link to comment
figureitout23 Posted January 31, 2018 Share Posted January 31, 2018 If you consider him to be a good guy and want to continue your relationship then be honest with him about how you feel. There are no guarentees in life. He might leave after you have sex, that might be after a drink, 3 dates or 50 dates. Just respect yourself and be comfortable with whatever decisions you make and when you make them. You know I'm kinda starting to disagree with this 3 dates or 10 thing. I think if you wait to engage in sexual intercourse until you're comfortable and communication is good you won't nesessarily feel,for lack of better words, used. I think that whole 'oh my gosh does he just want sex' mindset happens when you're jumping into things and leading with sex to begin with. If I choose to have intercourse with you after date 10 and we've communicated gotten to know each other and want to take the next step and things end on date 13 no hard feelings. If I choose to have intercourse with you after date 2 and we barely know one another and things end on date 3 then yeah I'm going to have a lot of questions/insecurities/uneasiness, Link to comment
Mikaila Posted January 31, 2018 Author Share Posted January 31, 2018 Thanks to all of you for your great comments! Link to comment
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