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Mikaila

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  1. Thank you all very much. It may not seem from how I write but I am actually much better than last year, when my self-esteem was incredibly low. You are right, this is not something that should bother me. I hadn't needed therapy for a long while now. I just wanted to explore this idea, but no, it would be crazy to do something that I don't want to. It would not work, and it could not change the past in any way. Yes, there are many of them and I can recognise them now. They scare me but I can see them. Thank you to all you guys for your support.
  2. You nailed it again Rose, last year I went through a lot of pain for this. I felt so ashamed and I hated myself and I felt that my boyfriend deserved someone better. And in a way less of a good person for this reason. Last year I was continuosly on the edge about this. This year has been way better, I have learned to love myself and my boyfriend and rediscovered again the joy of loving someone and loving to have sex with them and feeling free and accepted. All things that I felt before but that hurt me when I realised that the other person did not see it in the same way and that actually I am somehow less because, in his eyes, I have accepted to go with a guy who did not love me. Maybe the others are correct and I should let everything go, it is just bothers me now. I felt good two years ago to finally have sex and explore that side of me. I did not realise that in his eyes I was easy and stupid. And I hate that to his current girlfriend he has given all the respect because she was what he wanted and had principles and took time in knowing him (but how can I know you if you do not open up with me, and lie to me and fake your interest?). It is all nonesense I know. It was like he wanted me to test him, and develop a bond more forcefully but he did not like me at all.
  3. Thank you Rose, this is exactly what it goes through my mind. That is what I am trying to do. Yes, I am sure that I could explore it with my boyfriend like I have explored other things I have never done with that guy. Actually, sexually speaking I have done more with my boyfriend than with that guy. What that guy did to me, is something that I did not really like but at the time it was ok, nothing tragic or ugly but ok. Later it became another proof on how he was not considering me his girlfriend but someone he could treat as he wished. With his girlfriend I am sure he would not do something like that. Nothing tragic, just something that was like marking me, even if I could remove it with taking a shower. (no need to wash my head though)
  4. The thing is when I did it, it did not thraumatized me, I wasn't particularly keen on it but it was ok. It sounds crazy but it became something ugly only later when I realised that I was nothing for that guy. I want that "security" back, and I don't want anything I have done sexually to have it done lastly with him.
  5. Thanks. I went over the trauma, I feel more like I want to do it with a person I love so that memory could disappear completely. I suppose it is all nonsensical.
  6. Hello everyone, Two years ago I wen through a traumatic relationship, he was my first man but he wanted only sex. In particular, there was a sexual act which he did without asking and at that time I didn't mind (I know it sounds stupid but that's how it was) but now I see it as something that somehow dirt me, if it makes sense. I feel like I should ask for my boyfriend to do that, that somehow I would feel better that the other wasn't the only one who has done that to me. And I know that my boyfriend would see like something that I want to try and I know that with him I don't have to do it again if I don't like it. Should I forget all about it? Thanks, Mikaila
  7. You are right everyone. My therapist says that because on how I grew up, without perceiving my parents unconditional love, I am having difficulties in giving and accepting unconditional love. My boyfriend liked me how I am from the very beginning but I couldn't. I love him, I adore him and he is wonderful and I know that all the things I mention in previous posts as well do not matter. I am working hard on changing myself, in loving myself as he loves himself and me.
  8. Hello, Just came in for sharing what is happening to me. I want to lose weight, at the moment i am 57 kg and I want to reach 53 kg. I don't like how my belly or my tights look. My boyfriend likes my body a lot! He always finds me sexy even if I don't find myself so. The fact that I don't like myself though is like making me find imperfections in him as well. It all comes down to my parents and how I grew up, being "criticized" about my body. He is very thin and tall but has a little bit of a belly and he doesn't always hold it in. I know that all of this is no related to me and if he likes himself I would be a to suggest he does something because I don't like it. And I don't like it because I don't like myself. In the end I just have to work on myself and my issues, right? Thanks, Mikaila
  9. Hi, no he hasn't and I don't know/he never mentioned living together, marriage and kids. Why discuss it? That's the point. I feel that it is sort of expected but maybe it isn't right?
  10. Hello, My boyfriend and I have been together one year. We love each other, we are closer than ever as we have both started talking about our past and our up-bringing. The thing now is this, on one side I want to simply enjoy, going forward with the day to day life together, and my job and friends and activities on the other side, since we are 32 and 34 respectively I wonder if I have to ask him about how he feels about marriage, children, "the future". I am afraid to do this because myself I don't know what it is the answer expected from me since this is my first proper relationship and him my second man in the span of less than two years. Yes I know it sounds weird. For me I am happy to simply let things go as they are but I wonder if it is better to have plans. We are so similar that I love how things have so evolved naturally without big words or having to say we are in a relationship. We fall into it when we included the other in our lives and involving family and friends. Should I follow my instinct? Thanks, Mikaila
  11. Thanks Pippy, Indeed I have stopped doing that long ago. It is just sometimes I feel that I did something wrong, how can a person react to two women, basically good and kind people, so differently only because one is the one he wants and the other isn't? All of this because of sex? It is so stupid.
  12. Hello everyone, I would like to know if there are others out here that feel the same as me nad how do you cope with it. My story is quite strange I know. At 31 in March 2017 I had my first kiss, I went to a couple of dates with a guy, but I knew I could never fall in love with him and stopped it. A week after that, I started going out with someone else, I asked him and after a great first date (in my opinion of course) he said that we had to do it again, that week we saw each other five times, eh eh, I know I know, it is the tipical cliche'. However I could not believe it, I could not believe it of him because he a doctor, at that time 33, so smart, a lot of going on for him, so I could not believe it he did not find me interesting and even if when he told me that he was not looking for a long story, at the fifth date (when I got scared of what he was doing and I told him I was a virgin) in that first week, thinking on how interested he seemed, and there, and trusting his words, he wa s so good with words, I agreed. In a sense, it was a relief, because I could have (at least this is what I thought) all the dating experiences (going to museums, concerts, trips) without having to worry about being in love or whatever. You could guess how it went, after two months when we finally did it, he started to distance himself from me but still writing to me everyday and giving adult excuses, like work and friends, and I believed him and kept my life busier than before with new friends and activities, losing 8 kg, improving my clothes, acutally becoming the absolute best of myself. Finally after two months of that, I asked what was going on and he admitted that he had done it on purpose because he did not know how to say that he did not want to see me and to consider him as a friend to experiment with. I did not want to lose him, so for me to whom friendship has been always so important for me it was fine, so I would have not lose him, but I said to him that if I had to like someone else (as you can guess I was not confident and also for something that happened in high school I don't like to be touched and I am not touchy feely even with my friends, women and men alike) I had to stop having sex with him. I went on holiday to my homecountry for a month and asked him to stop talking every day. When I came back he tried to seduce me again, this time I could see me and what he did and also said, about me inviting him home too soon and trusting him too soon hurt me a lot. I ended it but saying that I wanted us to be friends. He, I thought, is such a great person that I want him as friend, he had been so good in giving me advice and so interested in my work that I want him there, even if he will not fall in love with me. I was so stupid. In the mean time, when we still were seeing each other, he had become friends with a woman, a brilliant, kind, sincere, doctor. And they had become friends, true friends I would say. After a month or so that I left him, I was doing well, still with many activities, but still sad because I wasn't finding someone else that I liked. I asked to see him because I missed him and he told me, at the cafe we were, that he had met someone else and he liked her a lot. That was the worst night of my life, I felt so alone and I wanted to kill myself. I felt so un-worthy, all around me there were guys who wanted only to have sex with me and nothing more. Three weeks, after that I met my boyfriend. I did not trust him at all. Luckily is the complete opposite of that other one and he behaved seriously from the beginning and even if with all that was going on in my mind we made i through to now, and I am very happy, thanks to him and my teraphist. The thing that still presses to my mind though is the guilt. Even if I realised that nothing I could have done would have changed his behaviour towards me, I feel guilty. I feel like I must have done something for a man like that, a man that a special woman like that loves, to behave that way with me; for an intelligent man, to look at me and faking that interest. Has this happened to any of you?
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