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He gets extremely angry about his ex. Very dark and bitter. Some text message proof. Opinions?

ashlandcoren

By ashlandcoren
in Dating Advice

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ashlandcoren Apprentice

ashlandcoren

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Disclaimer: I know their relationship is their business! Personally, i wanted it to stay that way.

 

I posted a few days ago about my boyfriend talking about his past sexual conquests completely unprovoked or asked for. I'm talking details I shouldn't have to know as the new girlfriend.

 

Things I wouldn't of shared. We've recently had a strong conversation about the topic which started like a break up but ended with us back together but I'm starting to see some patterns, here is a text message he

 

sent me:

 

"Yeah. The ed up part is it's not even about her as a person. More about the experience. Look I like you but I am realizing this week that I'm not in a good spot. You're right to pull away from that. But what I said earlier is true. I have no intention of just ing off. But I will have to pull back and I'm sure that's what you want, especially after today. Hopefully we can still be friends tho and chat occasionally. I'm sorry for putting you through this I feel like . 😭 I know you've got your own to deal with you shouldn't have to hear mine too."

 

He also sent me this:

 

"You're probably right. The ex stuff and the not being able to get over it are symptoms probably yeah among some other that has built up"

 

Afterwards, I shared my feelings too and he went back to normal but I'm starting to feel like he did it to be nice, because he literally said he wasn't over it. He talks about this girl a lot and it's normally followed with anger which makes me think this is still a reality for him. It was about 8 years ago and it feels like he's STILL angry. He calls her names. Talks bad about her. Brings her up a lot even though he's had other ex's. He says its not a issue but I don't believe him. I have this feeling.

 

Im so confused. I have low self esteem and feeling like I'm second best will ruin me. I just want my boyfriend to think I'm special and number one but I feel like she's still there. Maybe he doesn't like her but she's still in his thoughts after all this time.

 

Please help im so conflicted.

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rosephase Mentor

rosephase

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It sounds like he isn't ready to be in a relationship. 8 years out and he's still angrily calling her names? Did she kill his dog or something?

 

I'm always weary of people who are carrying around old anger. I take it as a sign that they don't know how to heal or move on. That isn't someone I would be excited about dating. He clearly has deep issues that he needs to work on before he can show up for a relationship. Not to mention he doesn't treat you in a way you like. And he's already tried to break up with you. Why not walk away from this constant state of insecurity and find someone who is ready, willing and able to be in a relationship with you?

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DanZee Grand Master

DanZee

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Well, I think you're right. You do have low self-esteem because anyone else wouldn't stand for your boyfriend's behavior. It's insulting and disrespectful, and it's a form of emotional abuse. You're constantly being told you're inferior to this fantasy girlfriend from 8 years ago. Well, apparently she dumped him, probably because he was acting angry and disrespectful to her too. How long are you going to take this before you've had enough? You'd be better off alone, rebuilding your self-respect and your sense of self, than with this guy who does nothing but tear you down. And when you're single, you'll be able to find a nice guy who'll actually cherish you and will make you feel like the greatest girlfriend in the world. Dump this guy! Don't settle for someone who doesn't appreciate you!

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chattygirl Contributor

chattygirl

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I'm always weary of people who are carrying around old anger. I take it as a sign that they don't know how to heal or move on. That isn't someone I would be excited about dating. He clearly has deep issues that he needs to work on before he can show up for a relationship.

 

Definitely this. ^

 

He's nowhere near being in a healthy space to have a meaningful, respectful relationship with you. He needs to work on his anger and resentment over his ex. 8 years is a really long time to not be past it. He sounds very wounded and stuck in grief. If you stay in this relationship, I fear he will drag you down with him.

 

What also concerns me is like DanZee pointed out: this is about your self worth and self respect more than anything. Let him figure his stuff out on his own and focus on what will help raise your feelings of low self esteem. I've learned the hard way that we attract what we put out there. If you're suffering from low self worth, you will attract people who function at this same type of vibration and find yourself in the same relationship patterns over and over.

 

Take care of you right now and work on nurturing the most important relationship you can ever have: the one with yourself.

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MissCanuck Grand Master

MissCanuck

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Look I like you but I am realizing this week that I'm not in a good spot. You're right to pull away from that. But what I said earlier is true. I have no intention of just ing off. But I will have to pull back and I'm sure that's what you want, especially after today. Hopefully we can still be friends tho and chat occasionally. I'm sorry for putting you through this I feel like . 😭 I know you've got your own to deal with you shouldn't have to hear mine too.

OP, he has broken up with you.

 

He has issues, he knows it, and he asked for friendship with an occasional chat. He isn't your boyfriend anymore, my darling.

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figureitout23 Grand Master

figureitout23

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OP, he has broken up with you.

 

He has issues, he knows it, and he asked for friendship with an occasional chat. He isn't your boyfriend anymore, my darling.

 

I also got that vibe then it seemed like you two talked it out, but as you said he didn't really seem sincere, probably because he recognizes he's got some issues to work through. I think it's probably going to be smart to listen to him and let this go. You said you have low self esteem, a situation like this will just scar you long term which isn't worth it.

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adat95 Apprentice

adat95

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OP, he has broken up with you.

 

He has issues, he knows it, and he asked for friendship with an occasional chat. He isn't your boyfriend anymore, my darling.

 

I have to agree with MissCanuck. From what he's written to you I would understand it as he knows what situation he's going through and he broke up with you. Or at least after the sentences he's sent to you I would také it that way.

 

If I were you, I'd stop seeing him, stop initiating any contact and if he asks you what is going on, just tell him you're moving on - without him, as you feel like he's not 100% there for you. I understand that you probably like (love?) him and it will be hard, but it is the best thing you can do for your heart. You can't waste your feelings on someone who is wasting his on some other girl that he was with 8 years ago. Once he loses you, he might realize the loss and if that happens, he'll probably contact you back. You might still be single the day it comes, or you might not (or it might never happen, noone knows). However, you can't help him get past this and it would just emotionally break you.

 

Stay strong darling

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Wiseman2 Grand Master

Wiseman2

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He sounds angry and like he's got a chip on his shoulder in general. Steer clear of this and cut him off, it's only a matter of time before he's calling you names. Go complete no contact and delete and block him from everything.

t was about 8 years ago and it feels like he's STILL angry. He calls her names. Talks bad about her. Brings her up a lot even though he's had other ex's.
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abitbroken Grand Master

abitbroken

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I wouldn't even 'chat and be friends with' this guy. I would make a clean break so you can meet someone new. If he has anger issues and you are letting him be a hanger on, he could be angry about you talking to someone new and it could get ugly. I really, really think that you need to not promise the friends thing

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