Horrible day

[Makeit]

Well I was doing Better I guess after about 18 days NC. My sleep was still a mess. I had no energy to do anything. Appetite was bad but better then at first. Well I decided to go out last night with some friends. One a former girl that I was seeing for a bit in purely a FWB role a few years ago who was friends with my X (we all worked together at one time) and the other two guy friends one of which knows my ex as well.

 

Well the night started out fine. I was flirting and goofin around with my female friend and we were all socially drinking. When out of nowhere my guy friend asks me if I still talk to my ex. I replied quickly with a nope. And then my female friend blurts out ( I guess she got really drunk the other night thats not like her”. To which of course my heart gets stabbed in the chest. I managed to somewhat get thru the night thanks to the ole liquid courage and drove myself home.

 

The drinking combined with my panic driven heartbroken wound couldnt stop thinking about what I heard. She never got drunk. Once told me she never would. We would share wine from time to time or a few drinks with her friends but never hammered.

 

Well I made the mistake of unblocking her on twitter and looking at her page. What I found was her friends tagging her i memes like

 

“Sober thoughts “i dont need a man. Im good on my own. Drunk thoughts I just want someone to hold my hand” she replied laughing ect ect

 

Basically most of her posts revolved around her wanting a guy. Talking about falling in love ect ect. One about being a lone on V day. And one about how after this month shes ready to take on anything.

 

Part of me was glad that she clearly isnt with someone. But the other part crushed that Im not worthy of voiding that hole. Ive been in my bed for 15 hours straight. Hardly slept. I feel worse then Day one. The dreams have sucked. The anxiety/depression you name it. I thought I was making progress but this was a major setback for me. I have been given a cruel lesson in not breaking any type of contact but my friends started this by bringing her up several times. Now Im afraid to even talk to anyone I know at this point.

I have no interest in contacting her as I know that will make things way worse. I have reblocked her of course.

 

Part of me feels like Im at the stage now of realizing its really over. Maybe subconciously I thought we would be back. I dont know. All i know is I got to go to work in an hour and I am a total mess. It kills me to see her turning into the type of person she is becoming. That was her greatest quality her respect for herself. Coming up on 20 days here since the BU. I know its still early. Just dont know how much more of this I can take.

[Carus]

Just dont know how much more of this I can take.

If I'm still here then you're still here ok..?! Don't worry, I still wake up every morning standing on the edge...somehow I'm still here though...

 

Yeh that was a trigger/setback but you know better than to go looking at social media...I've never seen any good come from that in all my years...

 

Do your best to get through work mate...I've had to have mini naps at work coz I'm so worn out from no sleep and fighting the good fight every goddamn day!

 

You should also try to keep everything in the one thread so we can follow your story more easily*

 

Now get up and fight soldier!

 

Carus*

[DanZee]

What can I say? Been there. It's torture. It hurts for a long time. In a way, there's still a scar on my heart 40 years later. But it slowly gets better and you will find someone to love.

[Makeit]

If I'm still here then you're still here ok..?! Don't worry, I still wake up every morning standing on the edge...somehow I'm still here though...

 

Yeh that was a trigger/setback but you know better than to go looking at social media...I've never seen any good come from that in all my years...

 

Do your best to get through work mate...I've had to have mini naps at work coz I'm so worn out from no sleep and fighting the good fight every goddamn day!

 

You should also try to keep everything in the one thread so we can follow your story more easily*

 

Now get up and fight soldier!

 

Carus*

 

 

Well I guess Ill make this my official thread then.

 

(Your brother standing next to you on the edge)

 

Makeit

[chattygirl]

Aw Makeit. So sorry you're going through this right now,

 

Probably part of what makes this hit you so hard is getting the sense that your ex is also struggling. Its difficult when we know that someone we care about is hurting. It sucks that your friends brought her up in the conversation; I think you handled it well though. Looking at her social media....well, that was a lesson you probably needed to learn in regards to maintaining full NC.

 

You're gonna be ok. Keep coming here to get things out in the open whenever you need to.

[Makeit]

Yeah I mean what I guess hurts me so much is her social media reads like I never even existed. Like we just broke up and the only thing I could find that was directly tied to me in the past 3 weeks was some quote about stop forcing the wrong relationahip. Everything else reads like shes been single for years. Uhhhh hello! What about the past 3 years here.

 

My soul searching and reading gets it. She is in her 20s im in my 30s she is transitioning to a different stage in life. Wants something more. But geez its like I dont even matter. And for the record she was completely madly in love with me for 99% of the relationship. She made so much effort and we had such a deeply connected bond.

 

I guess people can just totally change in a hurry.

[sputnik123]

Hey Makeit,

 

Sorry you're having a hard time. I know exactly how you feel.

 

Was with my ex for 3 years, now it's like I never existed. They need to do it to help them move on quickly, I guess.

 

Social Media during and after a break-up is a complete NIGHTMARE. Avoid at all costs.

 

You WILL get through this.

 

As the man *Carus says, all we can do is keep fighting.

[chattygirl]

Was with my ex for 3 years, now it's like I never existed. They need to do it to help them move on quickly, I guess.

.

 

I agree with this. ^ While it feels harsh, its likely their way of coping. Even if it appears that they're glossing over the relationship they had with you, its more like they are trying to push their own feelings of grief and loss aside. For some, this is the only way they know how to deal with the pain.

[Dominique]

Those days are the worst. I had plenty of those. Sleeping all day. Forcing myself to go to work or worse calling out .... I'm blessed I didn't get fired.

 

It does get better but it takes time and I don't know how long it will take.

 

Sending you light and love.

[Makeit]

Thank you guys. Almost out if work today. What a rough one. Had to force myself to get my Thursday work done. Really showing the signs of physical pain today. Runnin hot/sweaty, fatigued. My legs would tremble as I go down steps.

 

Seems like all my real life friends/connections have abandoned me today. Havent heard from anyone. No texts no snaps nothing. It sucks going from constant communication for so long to periods of nothingness. Im caught in limbo of acting like I am ok because thats what men are supposed to do. I had moments where my work took over my mind but as soon as that stops its like I get hit twice as hard emotionally when I realize the BU.

 

Looking forward to leaving soon and going home. Even tho I live alone I atleast feel less vulnarable there.

[Dominique]

Good for you! U went to work. Give yourself credit for that. Small victories are good for you. Take it one day at a time. Today u did what u needed to do for yourself. That's awesome.

 

Sending u hugs.

[brookew17]

Thank you guys. Almost out if work today. What a rough one. Had to force myself to get my Thursday work done. Really showing the signs of physical pain today. Runnin hot/sweaty, fatigued. My legs would tremble as I go down steps.

 

Seems like all my real life friends/connections have abandoned me today. Havent heard from anyone. No texts no snaps nothing. It sucks going from constant communication for so long to periods of nothingness. Im caught in limbo of acting like I am ok because thats what men are supposed to do. I had moments where my work took over my mind but as soon as that stops its like I get hit twice as hard emotionally when I realize the BU.

 

Looking forward to leaving soon and going home. Even tho I live alone I atleast feel less vulnarable there.

 

Do you have any pets? Maybe consider getting one if you live and alone be start to feel lonely!

[Makeit]

I have a cat. He knows something is up too. Always in my bed. He actually woke me up after a brief sleeping spell last night probably because I had been in my bed for almost 15 straight hours.

 

Ive always been ok with being alone. Im a bit of a homebody.

 

Tomorrow I have a 12 hour day and I also am Interviewing a potential employee. Gonna have to try to put on a happy face for that. I am also 4 months away from opening a second location in my field of work. About 45 minutes away from me. I am looking forward to a fresh start. My place of work now is where I met my ex. Its where it all started. Altho she hasnt worked for me in over a year. Thank god. A lot of memories in this building......its hard just being there.

 

Im home now. Def the worst day since the BU.

[JustinPonders]

Dam Makeit, you're brain is being hit with Cortisol hardcore at this stage of your breakup. It's totally normal what you're feeling. Totally. It's evolution. Great survival tool our brains produce, even though it makes us feel like absolute dog-doodoo. Just hang in there and stop viewing her social media, even though it's easier said than done. Believe me, I know. In due time your dopamine will level off and you'll be back to feeling your old self again. Same thing happened to me. Hang in there!

[chattygirl]

A fresh start sounds like it will do you a lot of good. Will you relocate when the new work-place opens?

 

Its interesting how cats (pets in general) tend to pick up on our emotions. I have had cats the majority of my life, except for the last 2-3 years. I really miss having one and would love to get another soon. I could so use a fur baby to lavish attention on!

[Morello]

Hi makeit, sorry to hear you're going through this my friend. But stop a bit and think about it. Your mind is playing tricks with you. Logically, there is no reason any external circumstance (be it a person, a situation, anything) should make you feel this way. The one who is making you feel like this is yourself. It's your overanalysing, thinking too much about the future and past. You can control this. It's hard but you can.

 

Have in mind that you just have to do your part and the universe will take of the rest man. Your part: eat healthy, take care of your health, exercise, try to improve emotionally. If you're acting this way about a break up, you'll have to agree with me that you need to improve.Most people here do, including myself. You're showing extreme levels of separation anxiety (which is very common in a forum like this), I suggest you do a bit of reading and watch videos and try to learn why you're like that and how you can cope. Everyone experiences anxiety. The difference between anxiety leading to depression and/or feeling like **** is how you COPE. How you react. You can learn mechanisms to cope. Recognising your problem (extreme anxiety) is probably your first step. I'm like that too, but I've been elarning a lot how to cope and have been experiencing great improvements.

 

I know it sounds cliche, but the one responsible for your happiness is yourself. In other words, if you go back to times when you were extremely happy in your life, the reason you felt like that was because of YOU. Not because someone acted some way, or because something magic happened. It was because of YOUR ATTITUDE towards it. The same goes when **** happens. Successful people also go through tough times, but the difference is how they react. They react confidently as they were sure this moment is temproary and they'll learn from it and triumph later. We all can think like that, because it's feasible. We just need to change our mindsets.

 

If you keep thinking about your ex and that she was the responsible for your happiness and if she comes back you'll feel happy again, you're just doing it wrong mate. You know that, I'm sure, but it's good to keep repeating until it actually realise it. Happiness comes from within, and that is a great thing, trust me.

 

You need to start being confident and feel worthy again. And you're the only one who can make the changes to make this happen. No one else can.

[1a1a]

On those days where no one is reaching out to you (the phone that never rings, I feeeel you), flip the script, be the one to reach out. Could be the friend on the other end is feeling just as sad about their silent phone as you are.

[Makeit]

Wow you guys are great. Flooded with posts tonight and long ones at that. All of you are right. And I agree with everything you are saying. Still hard to put it to action.

 

I def have anxiety and depression issues. I always have. I also take rejection so hard. I am a Leo and My personality in a nutshell is Very dynamic and requires attention of others.

 

Chattygrl yes I will be relocating there but will still spend time at my current location. A regional manager of sorts. Id like to leave my current location for good as some of my employees still have connections with her that leaves me vulnerable to hearing things.

 

I took my work clothes off and looked in the mirror. Man.....im lookin frail. Need to get some calories in me.

 

Oh another thing. While we were together I joined a new gym that opened and of course a few weeks later she had to join. I immediately thought “great when we split again I wont be able to go”. I havent been there since going on a few weeks now. Not only do I have no energy but being there and potentially seeing her is a no. Plus just the fact that she has been here upsets me. Maybe even hours before.

 

Part of me thinks if I make it (profile name pun haha) through this and get to the point where I am happy alone. I dont even know If I want to fall in love again. I guess my 3 loving relationships I have had since 18 all ended with them leaving me were broken up with a few years of being totally single. Those times actually were some of my happiest. No worry of getting hurt. None of the negative stuff that being in Love brings. I dunno.

[Beetie]

I def have anxiety and depression issues. I always have. I also take rejection so hard. I am a Leo and My personality in a nutshell is Very dynamic and requires attention of others.

 

Im a leo too and totally with you on this!!

[Makeit]

Had a decent sleep last night. Crazy thing was that I had a dream of an Ex from years ago! Not my recent ex. Fine by me!

 

Seems like things took a few minutes to process this morning. Maybe its just because I am extra tired. But I think my eyes were open for a whole 15-20 seconds before I thought about the breakup. Progress!

 

I spent some time looking into how my astrological sign handles breakups. I strongly believe in astrology. Was some interesting reading.

 

Have a longgggg 12 hours of work ahead of me today. Gonna be a ruff one. One foot in front of the other I guess. Really really looking forward to the universe balancing out all this bad Im going through with some good.

[Mikey383]

Hey Makeit,

 

Sorry you're having a hard time. I know exactly how you feel.

 

Was with my ex for 3 years, now it's like I never existed. They need to do it to help them move on quickly, I guess.

 

Social Media during and after a break-up is a complete NIGHTMARE. Avoid at all costs.

 

You WILL get through this.

 

As the man *Carus says, all we can do is keep fighting.

 

As my buddy Sputnik says here....

Anything to help them cover up that bleeding heart...

 

Some learning that I have absorbed Makeit....:

 

1. A lot of it is to self medicate and band aid themselves from the pain that they feel....

2. It is also to shove it in your face and make you feel like crap.... Trust me... It is... (a form of coping for them)

3. Down deep inside, they will never forget you.... NEVER!!!!!... If you made any positive impact in their life... I don't care how much they want to forget you... They never will... They are human... They will think of you here and there... They will... As you will....

4. Love just does not disappear over night..... Hek... maybe never.... People do get over you and do move on... However they will love you forever... Eventually one day they reach out (maybe soon, maybe years down the road), but eventually they do reach out... Not cuz they are curious... But because they never stop loving... You always have a piece of them....Always....

 

It just how it rolls.....

[sputnik123]

Lovely Mikey

 

Hope you are good mate!

 

S x

[Mikey383]

Lovely Mikey

 

Hope you are good mate!

 

S x

 

Doing good here Sputnik

 

Big hello to you mate!!!!!!!!!!

 

How are things down under?

 

We finally have some sun here in Michigan... 45-F... wow that's warm since it's been the bitter cold the last few weeks... I am sooooo ready to give up winter.... hahaha...

[Carus]

Hey Makeit*

 

Hope your day is goin' ok...*

 

Carus*

[Makeit]

Hey Makeit*

 

Hope your day is goin' ok...*

 

Carus*

 

Thanks Carus. Just got home from a 12 hour shift. Was very busy so Only thought about the ex about half the time. Weekends suck cuz Im constantly thinking shes prob about getting drunk and hooking up with guys. Not that its any of my business now but that seems to be the type of girl she has become.

 

I came across a quote today that said “I dont hate you. I hate that youve become everything you said you never would.” That explains my feelings pretty well right now.

 

Another day survived tho I guess. Ive given up and thrown in the towel on us ever getting back together. There is no way I could take her back as much as Id want to. Too much has changed and I could never act accordingly. Not that she has any interest anyways. Im sure I dont even cross her mind anymore. Hope she finds what shes looking for. And I hope I do the same.

 

Was uplifting to read your good fortune brother! Im a firm believer in the balance of life. And youve been through a lot of this longer then I have this go around. Perhaps its time for your positive balance. I got a feeling I still have some more bad to get thru. But knowing eventually my “good” is ahead keeps me pushing forward.