finally blocked her

[sfindependent]

So i finally blocked her.

 

After we broke up, she asked for a few months of NC. I broke NC once or twice but it wasn't too bad, it was happy holidays and that was it.

 

After the supposed time she asked, we met up after 3mos of breaking up. just as she had requested. by then she thought we can be friends but at last minute, she changed her mind and said she still wasn't over it. we talked over a week or so, trying to go NC. so at the beginning of january. her last words to me were that she needed another 3mos (march) apart and that "we weren't meant to be". It hurt, but i thought i was getting over her. so in all i was fine. it was what i had expected.

 

I took a trip to DC a few weeks later and i couldnt help but send her a post card of a Vermeer exhibit i saw. I wrote "like art, you inspired me". I don't know why i sent it, but i did. She knows what i meant, that i'm pushing to be a better person, to explore the world and become a more genuine man. he knows my efforts to change. I didn't expect anything in return from sending that postcard because well, i thought i was over her. that the lingering "love" i had for her by this time was nothing more than residual effects, and that i wouldn't be affected by me sending the card. It didn't, by the way. I was fine. She told me when we last spoke before i left that "your timing is your timing. I'm ok by things. speak to you in a few months". that will be in March of 2018.

 

Today, F'ing google photos sent me a notification of "today, this happened last year". and it was me and her happy and just hugging, being goofy. It hurt a lot seeing those photos again and i realized i was still feeling the effects of the BU months on down the road. much more than i anticipated.

 

We're not friends on FB and I haven't tried looking at her page despite that. most of our communication lately was through FB chat(she obvi knows my phone number and we talked via gchat too). But because of this, i can see her "online" on FB messenger. So today, i decided to block her from FB completely.

 

did i do the right thing? we didn't part ways angrily and i maintained that i wanted to start things fresh with her, and i think she does too, thus the months of abstaining from contact. I didn't realize it's hurt me, but today i realize being shelved like that until she's over me while i sit idly by on messenger hoping she'd contact me causes me anxiety.

 

did i do the right thing of blocking her?

[Hollyj]

You did the right thing!

[boltnrun]

You "think" she wants to start fresh? Or that's what you're hoping she means?

 

In any event, yes, you absolutely did the right thing.

[sfindependent]

not fresh as in get back together. but just to be friends. Historically i've been good friends with about 80% of my exes and people whom i've casually dated. One of my closest friends i dated for 6 months and the other i've lived with for 2 years. none of whom neither of us want to be romantically involved with one another. if anything that's what she meant.

[Dukeofdoom]

Who broke up with who

[sfindependent]

it was amicable. But in her mind, until i corrected her, was her.

 

I was ok with breaking up or taking a break to get our heads sorted out. all we did was argue. i felt she was picking fights left and right by the end.

 

looking from a very distant angle, she seemed she had a lot more issues of self esteem, self confidence etc. she said she had a verbally abusive bf before and always called me out for "gas lighting" whenever i disagreed and explained my part in a conversation. I literally remember explicitly stating to her "im not trying to tell you how you feel, i'm simply stating my side of the story" and her reply was "you telling me that _____ happened instead of how i perceived it, is gaslighting me". i couldn't believe my ears. since when did explaining your side of the story and believing in it and hoping the other person understood it, gaslighting?

 

i don't even know why i'm hung up on her.

 

i think it's partly because i feel it's unfinished business. I did a lot of resetting and rethinking and changing (both mentally, spiritually, and physically {you can tell, i've lost hecka weight and actively go do physical activities now that i enjoy}) and i think part of the hang up is me wondering if the changes i made after we broke up would make a difference in our relationship.

[Dukeofdoom]

I get it. Im still hung up on a relationship because I feel like it was unfinished and I with someone else now, but it will nags at me. You writing all this tells me it nags at you. Just want answers. Sometimes girls shut down to a point of never opening again. And sometimes they don't want closure so the door stays open. Even though they don't walk through it. Especially the ones with low self-esteem. I don't have advice because there just isn't a easy answer. But blocking her a good start. And know your not crazy. Eventually you get through it.

[JustinPonders]

Here's the problem with your particular situation. Because you're the one still showing her attention that's indicating to her that you're still hung up on her. All that's doing is boosting her ego to the point where she feels totally justified for her decision and very errogant. Now is the time she starts really feeling the pain. Disappear and I promise in due time it will hit her. I can almost promise you she will contact you. Hopefully by then you had moved on and found a better woman. Your ex clearly doesn't appreciate and respect you. You did the right thing, now stick to it and leave this ungrateful woman behind!

[sfindependent]

thanks people.

 

I don't think i am. But rationally speaking, i don't know why i'm still effing hung up on someone whom i know things won't work out with. we have very different paths right now.

 

"your timing is your timing. We were just not meant to be". - Her

 

Fine. if we weren't then we weren't. I just don't want to sit around for another few months not knowing what and how she'd feel in the end. I tried. even if i had a lot of wrong in the relationship, i apologized. and i didn't just apologize, i made an effort to change. literally. and if she doesn't want that, then it's on her.

 

i gave it a good go. a few months of my life out, trying to reconcile or at least come to a friendship. she aint ready. i'm not sure i want to wait another while longer till she makes up her mind. She's not any more special than any other person in this planet.

[MamaBear0312]

Absolutely! She’s selfish to expect you to sit and wait for her to make up her mind. She has no respect for your time or your feelings. She knows how you feel so she thinks she can take her sweet time and you’ll always be right there if and when she needs you. It hurts now but I promise it will get better. You’re on the right path. After not hearing from you, she may contact you but you’ll hopefully be in a happy relationship with someone who respects your time and affection and she’ll miss what she had, but it will be a lesson she’ll have to learn. Fight the urge to reach out anymore, or you’ll reset the “get over her” button. Good luck!

[sfindependent]

i just want it to be fair.

 

I want it to be where, if i want her so bad to be part of my life, then i'm willing to work whatever i need to do, to be part of that. And i have. i started taking into account what i did wrong, what i keep doing wrong and what i need to do to rectify it. I am going to the gym! i'm going to therapy, for pete's sake! I'm trying to open my horizon!

 

i want her to do or show the same effort i'm showing.

 

I know, i know. I'm doing this for me. And i am! i'm finding things out that i never would've found out while i was peeved off at her. Therapy has been great. I love my climbing. I love doing yoga. I love eating healthy. all these things kind of fell into place once we broke up, and these were the ones she wanted me to do. In my defence i was mad and anger clouded my ability to love. and i told her that. but after breaking up and coming to terms with my faults, i was more open to doing the things she wanted to do. and i am forever appreciative of her for showing me the way, ironically after we were together. But i digress...

 

i want her to put the effort in too. I want her to put the effort in making time for me and building a friendship. Sure she needs sometime to heal. to find her self. to experience other men/women. sure. but i don't want to be the guy waiting on her until she's done. If anything, i am learning to be more independent and learning to love others well.

 

i'm glad visual social media (FB, insta) are taken care of. BTW, she unfriended me on FB when we broke up. Blocking her just means she can't see anything at all from me. nor can she message me from messenger. unless she messages me on text or gchat, i don't think we'd ever speak again. unless of course, she pulls up her britches and takes into account how she values our potential friendship (or relationship, for that matter).

[Makeit]

Yes yes and yes. A girl telling me this 3 month bull would be long gone. Get your power back and find someone who treats u with respect.

[sputnik123]

Well done SFindependent..

 

I feel you pain, I really do.

 

Stay strong! :)

[Wiseman2]

Yes you did the right thing. Why don't you reset this and move/delete the photos. Why allow these dopey dotcoms to do stupid cutesy crap like this or let them run your life? Start firming up your devices and SM sites to remove her.

Today, F'ing google photos sent me a notification of "today, this happened last year". and it was me and her happy and just hugging, being goofy

[Waraqqa]

it was amicable. But in her mind, until i corrected her, was her.

 

I was ok with breaking up or taking a break to get our heads sorted out. all we did was argue. i felt she was picking fights left and right by the end.

 

looking from a very distant angle, she seemed she had a lot more issues of self esteem, self confidence etc. she said she had a verbally abusive bf before and always called me out for "gas lighting" whenever i disagreed and explained my part in a conversation. I literally remember explicitly stating to her "im not trying to tell you how you feel, i'm simply stating my side of the story" and her reply was "you telling me that _____ happened instead of how i perceived it, is gaslighting me". i couldn't believe my ears. since when did explaining your side of the story and believing in it and hoping the other person understood it, gaslighting?

 

My two cents:

 

Don't worry too much about the gaslighting part, or at least don't take it personally. I know how that can feel from her side, maybe she is like me - I had a psychologically abusive ex who gaslit me and was quite manipulative. The next guy I dated after him was the opposite, very frank, open, caring, and honest. But if there was a tiny speck of something that caused flashback of the ex, I was overwhelmed with fear of being a doormat again, of being manipulated, I was so afraid of it and would blow up compulsively, because in my mind I saw red flags everywhere. It was so difficult to trust - even someone who deep down I knew was not like that. But I picked up fights with him and accused him of things very similarly as what you describe. It was not fun for either one of us, and I couldn't stop bc of being so over-cautious and not seeing things clearly, I saw too much through the lens of the past experience.

 

This type of damage your ex experienced is hypervigilance, it can be very subtle but confusing - so, at least in your mind, don't take it against yourself, and don't be too hard on her. Just know that you didn't do anything wrong here, it was her internal stuff, not you.

[DancingFool]

You are still hung up on her because you keep harboring this idea of maybe getting back together, maybe being friends. So you aren't moving on at all. Let it go. Yes, she may have inspired you to work on you and to reach for things and become a better person. So do that. However, that doesn't mean that she needs to stay in your life. She was a part of your life, but knowing when to let go is critical. It's over. Let it go.

 

Blocking her was the best thing you've done so far. Block her completely. Drop this idea of keeping her in your life in any respect. Keep growing and working on you for yourself and for your next relationship with someone else. Turn a new leaf.

[sfindependent]

it's been a weird few weeks.

 

I've not been thinking of my ex for weeks, and if i were, it would be passing thoughts. Nothing worth dwelling. I'm always able to justify that it's the right decision for me to keep doing what i'm doing. Keep pushing on and move on from her. I'm fine.

 

I may be romanticizing this a bit, but there's a certain "longing" I feel for her. I want to hear her voice again... hang out with her. hear her stupid laugh. It's not too big, but it's there. underneath me moving on. I can't shake it. I've also been dreaming of her for weeks.

 

Ugh. last january, she asked for a few more months of "giving her space". It's been since July that we broke up, and every time she and I would "try to talk", she'd end up feeling feelings and would ask for another set of months to "get over things". Finally, the last time she asked for three more months (it's up in March), i got tired of waiting. I mean, i could be dead by that time! Who has time to wait around? I blocked her, finally. If she needs to get a hold of me (this stubborn, scorpio, redheaded irish woman) which i doubt she will, can get a hold of me through other means.

 

BUT why? why am i still lingering? why is it still there?