Possible Childhood Sexual Abuse, hunting my marriage.

[bcrjdoa8690]

First of all, I’m going to apologize in advance for all the grammatical and spelling mistakes I may make while writing this. In my defense, English is my second language.

 

I’m posting this here because I’m desperate, I’m about to lose my mind, if I’m not already losing it. I tried for the past two days to see a therapist with no success.

 

I’ve been married to an amazing man for a couple of months now. What seemed to be a dream come true has turned into my worst nightmare. A few days ago, my husband was trying to initiate sex with me, but it was late and I had to wake up very early to go to work so I declined. As I was falling asleep, I heard my husband moaning and the bed shaking a bit. He was masturbating right next to me. While I support his self love, I can’t expl why it made me so furious. I was turned on while being incredibly mad at the same time. I got up and went to the kitchen and faked not knowing what he was doing. I snapped at him the next day. He became a pervert to me, I couldn’t believe that the amazing man I’ve married was a pervert. A few days after that, I went to tuck my daughter in (11yrs old from my previous marriage), to my surprise I caught my daughter masturbating. I acted as if I didn’t see her, because although I bothered me a lot, a big part of me knows that this is normal. However, now I’m paranoid as what can happen to my daughter now that she has discovered her sexuality. I can’t stop imagining that my husband (“the pervert”) can eventually abuse my daughter. I hate coming home from work, I’m even thinking about divorcing my husband.

Now, a bit of my childhood background. My brother molested me when I was 9 years old. For some reason I can’t remember all the details of how it happened. I’ve never be able to do so. At the age of 12 a man who lived next to us (55years old) “kidnapped me”. To be honest I went with him without being forced. But believe or not I didn’t think he wanted to have sex with me but he did.

Fast forward, I’m a 30 years old woman, married to a man who’s not a pervert! Yet here I am, becoming insane trying to figure out if my past has anything to do with what I’m going through today. If so, why now? I’ve always being symptomatic without knowing, now that I’ve become more self aware, and I reflect back in my first marriage, I can see it. However, I’ve never felt the way I feel today. I need help!

[Seraphim]

It is time for therapy, really. Your husband is not a pervert and your daughter was doing nothing wrong . It is all normal sexuality .

 

I know you can't control your feelings but you have to understand what they both were doing was absolutely normal .

 

I was sexually abused as a child and as a teenager but I have had a lot of extensive therapy believe me this will help you quite a bit .

[DanZee]

Well, it's possible. Your reaction could be a delayed reaction to your younger molestations and rapes. I think your husband was incredibly rude masturbating in bed and somewhat passive-aggressive because you wouldn't have sex with him. You should tell him to do it somewhere else in the future. You may want to knock at your daughter's door before you enter in the future. This may help to not trigger flashbacks in the future. As your rational mind knows, both of these activities are normal so try to talk yourself out of your fury. Try to focus on other things. Maybe you can talk to your husband about this until your therapist has an opening. Tell him it triggered a flashback to those previous assaults and that will give you an opportunity to tell him how you feel.

[Pleasedonot5]

Your husband is not a pervert. If you don't like him masturbating next to you, then nonchalantly say so... But it's not something that's a huge deal, just a conversation. And your daughter? That has NOTHING to do with your husband. Maybe try knocking from now on and respect her privacy.

 

Either way, I think you had troubling experiences as a child. I support what the above poster said: it may be time to see a counselor to work through what you went through as a kid.

[I Hear Ya]

Wow, this stirred some memories for me. Not good ones. First of all I'm sorry you were abused. That's terrible as I think it will influence your thoughts and actions in ways you may or may not understand. I highly recommend counseling and therapy. And honesty with your husband as well as appealing for his love and help.

 

I didn't know it but I married a woman who had been abused by her brother and father. We ALWAYS had sexual issues. The abuse always influenced her thoughts and actions. She never accused me of being a pervert but regularly avoided sex. I masturbated to maintain my sanity while begging her to get counseling which she never did. Your husband masturbating in bed when you turn him down is rude on his part. But he's frustrated and more than likely angry too.

 

I can see why you might think "he's a man and men abuse so he's abusing my child" which is probably totally off the charts wrong. Quit putting your abusers actions on your husband. Is he a good father? Then accept it and don't ever accuse him of abuse unless you wish to divorce.

 

I just sense a lot of anger from you and this is probably justified but not at your husband, he didn't abuse you! Get it handled or you'll ruin your marriage and indeed get divorced. I lived with an angry woman until she "had enough" and divorced me. But once divorced she found she was still angry and I wasn't her problem. She came running back to try and reconcile but at that point I realized it was the best thing for me even if I had been too loyal to do it myself and that's after 34 years of marriage. End of story is she never dealt with her issues and is a very bitter woman today.

[Jibralta]

I think your past is probably affecting you a lot. You're wondering why you never noticed it before. Well, it's possible that in the past, you weren't capable of noticing that your thoughts were influenced by the abuse. Not because you're inept. But because psychology is funny that way. A lot of times, pain is suppressed and we aren't aware of how it influences us.

 

The way that you worded the incident with the 55-year old man leads me to believe that you blame yourself to some degree. You say, "To be honest I went with him without being forced. But believe or not I didn’t think he wanted to have sex with me but he did." You were definitely a victim. You are not to blame for that at all.

 

I agree with Seraphim that you should seek therapy. Maybe even just finding a forum of sexual abuse survivors.