Am I right waiting for the commitment first?

[sins]

Why hasn't he stepped up yet instead of making promises and butting into your life with your mother? Is he going to hire and pay for a nanny while you work? Is he asking you to marry him and move in? No? Then he'll full of hot air.

That’s what I want to listen from him this weekend. He asked to think about mama, and I asked him what is his proposals.

[reinventmyself]

That’s what I want to listen from him this weekend. He asked to think about mama, and I asked him what is his proposals.

 

She wants, he wants.

What do you want?

[sins]

Is she really taking advantage of her mother if she waits 'til after the child is asleep?

 

You are caught between the values of your mother, the boyfriend and your own.

Add in your mom states she doesn't like being alone and it seems she is perfectly ok to have you to herself. It might smack of manipulation.

 

Your mother is entitled to her values but they are not in alignment with yours. You are an adult.

Your bf saying to ditch mom and get a sitter isn't cool either.

 

Basically you need to drill down what is right for you and while being respectful and fair to everyone concerned, you honor your needs.

Everyone needs to adjust. If they can't or wont, then you need to reconsider everything.

 

If your mom is unhappy, maybe consider a sitter in the house along with your mother. It may seem silly but your mom can no longer hold it

over your head that you are either neglectful or taking advantage of her.

 

Your BF's input on this is definitely a yellow or even a red flag.

 

Actually, I would be happy to try to move in with my bf and try how it will work together (but I want some serious steps from him before - I have a kid, but if he is ready to commit and it’s why he started this conversation about my mom - shouldn’t I give him a chance? ). I know how it works and dating is much more difficult for me being married almost all my adult life and having a kid and a mom. I would find a separate apartment for my mom (she wants to stay here in the country) and still pay her bills (I can afford that). But she will have to sleep alone or find someone for herself .

But now it all looks silly as guys here say I need start respectful dating after 1 year of the relationship and to slow down.

[tattoobunnie]

An 11 year old girl doesn't need to just move in with a dude she only knows is just a friend to you, and just sporadically, he's your boyfriend. And if you aren't factoring in how she feels and her needs, then you know what, I know I definitely don't think like you.

My kids come first - not my sex life. I prefer to raise my kids, and not my parents or other people raising my kids.

 

You need to slow down and respectfully date, so you can see what he is like with your daughter, and they can get to know eachother. Maybe it's an American thing, but your daughter should be number one in considering what you do next.

[sins]

An 11 year old girl doesn't need to just move in with a dude she only knows is just a friend to you, and just sporadically, he's your boyfriend. And if you aren't factoring in how she feels and her needs, then you know what, I know I definitely don't think like you.

My kids come first - not my sex life. I prefer to raise my kids, and not my parents or other people raising my kids.

 

You need to slow down and respectfully date, so you can see what he is like with your daughter, and they can get to know eachother. Maybe it's an American thing, but your daughter should be number one in considering what you do next.

 

I respect your opinion, but I still think the balance is possible. I always been career oriented, never wanted kids, got my daughter, and I love her as much as I can. But I will not devote all my life to raising her. It’s just not my thing. I would better spend quality time with her when we both enjoy it.

[tattoobunnie]

One last thing from me, take a good look at your mom, and how you treat your daughter, and how your mom treated her mom. You will most likely end up being treated by your daughter how your mom is being treated now. Soon enough not relevant and not a priority. Whether for you it's one guy, this guy, or the next. Life is what you make of it. For me, family is my top priority.

[reinventmyself]

Actually, I would be happy to try to move in with my bf and try how it will work together (but I want some serious steps from him before -

But now it all looks silly as guys here say I need start respectful dating after 1 year of the relationship and to slow down.

 

Question: if your mother and daughter weren't part of the equation, would you consider moving in the with this man at this time?

 

I am concerned when you say 'you'd be happy to try' when you have an 11 year old to consider.

Beta testing something when you don't seem entirely confident about it (as confident as one can be) when you have children in the mix is a bad idea.

It seems to as if the rush is due to the inconvenience of everyone else voicing their opinion in the matter.

 

Turn down the noise and make a decision based on the right thing for your daughter.

[reinventmyself]

I respect your opinion, but I still think the balance is possible. I always been career oriented, never wanted kids, got my daughter, and I love her as much as I can. But I will not devote all my life to raising her. It’s just not my thing. I would better spend quality time with her when we both enjoy it.

 

Did I read this correctly?

No one expects you to devote all your life.

But do you feel an obligation to her while she is a child?

[IAmFCA]

Is she really taking advantage of her mother if she waits 'til after the child is asleep?

 

You are caught between the values of your mother, the boyfriend and your own.

Add in your mom states she doesn't like being alone and it seems she is perfectly ok to have you to herself. It might smack of manipulation.

 

Your mother is entitled to her values but they are not in alignment with yours. You are an adult.

Your bf saying to ditch mom and get a sitter isn't cool either.

 

Basically you need to drill down what is right for you and while being respectful and fair to everyone concerned, you honor your needs.

Everyone needs to adjust. If they can't or wont, then you need to reconsider everything.

 

If your mom is unhappy, maybe consider a sitter in the house along with your mother. It may seem silly but your mom can no longer hold it

over your head that you are either neglectful or taking advantage of her.

 

Your BF's input on this is definitely a yellow or even a red flag.

 

Agree 100%

[IAmFCA]

I respect your opinion, but I still think the balance is possible. I always been career oriented, never wanted kids, got my daughter, and I love her as much as I can. But I will not devote all my life to raising her. It’s just not my thing. I would better spend quality time with her when we both enjoy it.

 

OK I hear you.

 

I am single, self. sufficient, career oriented mom who has had relationships of various kinds over the years.

 

Here is the thing. Your daughter HAS to know that she comes first. She has no other options. She is a dependent. She knows from her life experience that people who love each leave each other. Her sense of security is shaken to the core and that will impact the rest of her life. Your choices will ripple through her life, in a magnified way. If you want her teens and 20s to go well, your investment in her is necessary.

 

By no means do I mean to say you're a bad mom. Not at all. You are right that you need to pursue your life interests as well. The balance is finding a way to respect yourself and to see the world through your daughters eyes.

 

Let her see you develop this relationship, IF you think he's a keeper. Your daughter will invite him to befriend her as well. She will welcome someone additional in her life to. embrace her and love her.

 

If you encourage them.to build a relationship, then he can invite the both of you, include the two of you in his embrace.

[IAmFCA]

I respect your opinion, but I still think the balance is possible. I always been career oriented, never wanted kids, got my daughter, and I love her as much as I can. But I will not devote all my life to raising her. It’s just not my thing. I would better spend quality time with her when we both enjoy it.

 

... and...

 

if you enjoy your daughter now, and every year after, then your daughter will know she is lovable and will be enjoyable.

 

Adult parent child relationships are born in childhood.

[DaisyMayPorter]

I always been career oriented, never wanted kids, got my daughter, and I love her as much as I can. But I will not devote all my life to raising her. It’s just not my thing.

 

Eek! I too am a single career mom and have been for the last 3 years. While I've gone on dates occasionally, I haven't dated anyone seriously and honestly don't know who will ever be good enough to bring into my daughter's life. Yes you must have your social life, but you must always put her first. By the way, where are his kids? If he has kids like you mentioned at the beginning of this post, hopefully he will understand you being a single mom and not being able to stay over.

[sins]

OK I hear you.

 

By no means do I mean to say you're a bad mom. Not at all. You are right that you need to pursue your life interests as well. The balance is finding a way to respect yourself and to see the world through your daughters eyes.

 

Let her see you develop this relationship, IF you think he's a keeper. Your daughter will invite him to befriend her as well. She will welcome someone additional in her life to. embrace her and love her.

 

If you encourage them.to build a relationship, then he can invite the both of you, include the two of you in his embrace.

 

Thank for that! Maybe it sounds like I'm in hurry to make some serious decisions right now. Not at all. English is not my native language, so some things might sound too imperative from me. It's not that I'm moving in right now with this guy. I'm just ready to give us both a chance to do it in the future if we are both serious. Not right now and not any soon. I will think about sleepovers and will discuss it with my bf.

 

My daughter is my first priority, she knows I love her, we have quality time together, she lives in a nice house, goes to the private school she likes a lot, her father comes to visit her as well - and it's me who arranging all that dates for her, etc. But she knows as well that I have to work full time for all that and I have my private life too.

 

She knows the guy (as a friend, yes), we go out together almost every weekend (cinema, pizza or something like that). He brought her and my mom presents for Xmas. I try to make all this thing work, but now I feel like I'm in the middle and they all try to stretch me ))

[sins]

Did I read this correctly?

No one expects you to devote all your life.

But do you feel an obligation to her while she is a child?

 

Yes, I do. Please see my reply to IAmFCA above. Hope it will clarify something.

[sins]

By the way, where are his kids? If he has kids like you mentioned at the beginning of this post, hopefully he will understand you being a single mom and not being able to stay over.

 

His daughter is 6 and lives with her mother in his home country. He comes to see the girl 3-4 times a year (it's 4000 km distance) and weekly in contact with her mom. His ex moved in with her bf 3 years ago (1,5 year after break up with my bf), they married several months ago. He doesn't see any drama dating a single mom and if his ex did it that way, it could work, f.e., for me as well.

[Wiseman2]

Do what is right for you, your daughter and your mother, not some guy you are just dating. He is basically enjoys a carefree, child free, bachelor life because the mother has full custody.

His ex moved in with her bf 3 years ago (1,5 year after break up with my bf), they married several months ago. He doesn't see any drama dating a single mom and if his ex did it that way, it could work, f.e., for me as well.

[Usa1ah]

I believe if it has been a year and he still can’t decide on being more then a FB then he doesn’t want to be more. He is getting what he wants without having to commit to the relationship, win win for him. If he gets tired of it he can just walk away with no strings attached. I think you are better off with your mom.

[IAmFCA]

Thank for that! Maybe it sounds like I'm in hurry to make some serious decisions right now. Not at all. English is not my native language, so some things might sound too imperative from me. It's not that I'm moving in right now with this guy. I'm just ready to give us both a chance to do it in the future if we are both serious. Not right now and not any soon. I will think about sleepovers and will discuss it with my bf.

 

My daughter is my first priority, she knows I love her, we have quality time together, she lives in a nice house, goes to the private school she likes a lot, her father comes to visit her as well - and it's me who arranging all that dates for her, etc. But she knows as well that I have to work full time for all that and I have my private life too.

 

She knows the guy (as a friend, yes), we go out together almost every weekend (cinema, pizza or something like that). He brought her and my mom presents for Xmas. I try to make all this thing work, but now I feel like I'm in the middle and they all try to stretch me ))

 

You have to step away from all the pressures and center yourself. What choices are you making? What path are you on? Is it how you want, where you want to go?

 

Your life. Own it. Do not act to please your bf, or your mother. Act in honor of yourself, your character, and your values. I encourage you to respect your impact on other peoples lives and be responsible with your impact.

 

For ex, if the bf thing is how you want it, then tell your mom you will be staying over, it is what's right for you, and get a sitter.

 

If your mom has concerns being alone, instead of a teenager, find a sitter who also is a senior citizen. Maybe they can find a kinship.

 

I do think staying over as often as you do creates a dynamic you may not be aware of, wherein you are less invested in "home" and your bfs place is an escape. If you were home, what might you do? And where are your female friends on your calendar? Those aspects ofyour life seem out of balance, and may make your home feel more like a rooming house. Staying home more may force you to make it home - invite your friends over, have a dinner party, etc.

 

My concerns are with you and your disconnect from your own mind/body/spirit balance, and your focus on yourself as the workhorse. You are more than a workhorse for others, and your bf reminds you of that, and that is why you go to him. That's not a foundation for a relationship. That's a warning that your life is out of balance.

[abitbroken]

I don’t agree with you. Maybe it’s because I myself lived from the age 9 to the age 17 with my grandma while my mom was dating and then married to her 2nd husband. And I still think she had a right to have her private life and nothing bad happened to me as well.

So your private life shouldn’t end if you have a child. Or I would be childfree then as I value my freedom a lot. I’m just not sure that this particular guy is serious enough and don’t want to wait 5 years before he will be ready for engagement and want to find a balance with mom.

 

Once you have a kid, it doesn't matter if you 'never really wanted kids" - you are a mother. You don't get to be a half mother.

This guy knew you had a kid when he started dating you. you are a package deal. If he wants to get serious about you, then he respects that you put your daughter first. A quality guy who wants to date a single mom knows that and does not make her ditch her child so he can get his rocks off with her. Your daughter is smarter than you know. She probably hears you come in - the car the door opening. And if she gets up in the middle of the night, she knows you are gone.

 

Just because you went through something, doesn't mean that your daughter should - you should give her more than you had. I bet your mom wasn't sneaking out of the house 3 nights a week or if she was, it doesn't mean your daughter will react like you do. You have basically repeated your mom's pattern.

 

If this guy is making a stink now, does he want to be a stepdad later? If this guy does not want that, then you should dump him.

 

If he doesn't want mom there so he can spend the night---- he has no problems with spending the night with your daughter sleeping in the next room? that's worse, actually. Stop sneaking out at night - have your daughter see him pick you up for a date and come home - no one cares if you spend the whole date snogging at his place or going to a movie -- but you want to teach your daughter right. And then you plan overnight getaways every so once in awhile. But none of this 3 night a week sneaking back in deception.

 

 

I respect your opinion, but I still think the balance is possible. I always been career oriented, never wanted kids, got my daughter, and I love her as much as I can. But I will not devote all my life to raising her. It’s just not my thing. I would better spend quality time with her when we both enjoy it.

 

Yes, you will devote yourself to raising your child. It IS your thing because you have a child. I get that you don't have to spend every waking moment with her, but your child is not a toy to be put on the shelf until you decide you want to do a mall outing or take her to a movie for "quality time" = "quality time" i remember most and was most important for me and my parents were the mundane day to day stuff --- having dinner together every night, getting woken up for school when i slept through the alarm again, all the mundane stuff. Your mom didn't come for you to act like you have visitation for your daughter. Helping while you are at work etc - absolutely, because you won't be there when she steps off the school bus, but if you have the attitude that your daughter is "not your thing" - guys will treat her the same way -- they care about sex alone and the daughter is just in the way.

[abitbroken]

For ex, if the bf thing is how you want it, then tell your mom you will be staying over, it is what's right for you, and get a sitter.

 

If your mom has concerns being alone, instead of a teenager, find a sitter who also is a senior citizen. Maybe they can find a kinship.

 

I wonder if mom's issue is not "being alone" - but being treated like she is a servant -- actually asking mom ahead of time if certain nights will work out rather than just slipping away in the night (moms worry that their kids are injured and in a ditch - you know how that goes). Afterall - if mom holds down the fort while the OP is working, gets daughter off to school and cares for her after school, I would think should could assume that she could go run an errand or do some leisure activity instead of sleeping with one eye open wondering if her daughter is okay out there at night. She is not the night nurse at a group home where that is her job. If the OP IS indeed just slipping out after mom is asleep with no prearranged knowledge = i would raise heck myself --