Am I right waiting for the commitment first?

[sins]

I have been seeing this guy for slightly more than 1 year now. We are both in our late 30s, both living in foreign country, both have kids.

 

I divorced 2 years ago and my 11 old daughter is living with me with her father living in our home country. When I divorced I asked my mom to come and help me with the kid as I’m working long hours and there no after school activities here, so I have to take my little one from school 2 pm. Mom was glad to come as we’re living in warm climate now compared to my cold motherland, near the ocean, in a quite nice area.

 

So, 1 year ago I started dating a wonderful man, we are getting alone well, I’m staying at his place 3 times a week, going out, laughing, talking about everything. Some time ago he met my mom and the little one. So all seems to be close to perfect but almost every time I leave to meet him I have a fight with my mom. Usually I leave when the little one goes to sleep, spending evening with them both, but my mom has some anxiety issues about sleeping alone and is always complaining she is staying with my daughter and I’m “having fun”, I’m a bad mother for my child and bad daughter to her, that I should stop dating this guy and find “someone serious” to start family with. In other aspects we have quite good relationships with her, when I’m home – she is calm and helpful. I really appreciate her help, but all this stuff is killing me morally.

 

When I discuss it with my bf, he says I should send mama back home, find a babysitter, start a new life and as he loves me a lot, he will help me with everything. I love him and I trust him, but if I do it the way he suggests with my mom, I feel like I’m too much sacrificing for our relationship and for him nothing is changed. I will be dealing with the kid, babysitter and house chores 24/7 alone in foreign country 4000 km from home and he will be still just dating me. As for now, I told him we need to talk about our future plans together and then we will see how it goes with mama. He said for sure we will, let’s do it this weekend.

 

Am I right waiting for the commitment before – I’m not sure – engagement and maybe moving it together first to see how it goes? And if he is not ready for any serious steps, I will leave my life as it is now and will stop seeing him that often or even move on. Or it’s too early to discuss things like this after 1 year of relationship? But then it’s too early to ask me to change my life for him as well, as I think.

 

Thanks for reading all this, any opinion or advise would be highly appreciated.

[DaisyMayPorter]

So you don't already have commitment from him? You should definitely ask him how serious he is able to get and how much he would be able to help you before you do anything. But then again, you will never know until you are actually in the throws of things how much he is able to help you. Actions speak louder than words.

 

One thing to remember though: never put a guy before your own mom.

[sins]

So you don't already have commitment from him?

We are in committed exclusive relationship but he didn't propose or something and we never discussed moving together seriously as he says he will not get alone with my mom.

Also the problem is the longest relationship he had in his life lasted for 3,5 years only. I was married for 14 years, so I have an idea how LTR should work normally, but was not dating since I married.

 

One thing to remember though: never put a guy before your own mom.

Thank you! It's how I think about it as well.

[Wiseman2]

Try not to take advantage of your mother by using her for daytime as well as overnight babysitting. It's not this guy's call to "send her back". If he were that interested/committed, he wouldn't have you spending 3 nights a week with him as a single mother.

my mom has some anxiety issues about sleeping alone and is always complaining she is staying with my daughter and I’m “having fun”. When I discuss it with my bf, he says I should send mama back home, find a babysitter, start a new life and as he loves me a lot, he will help me with everything.

[IAmFCA]

Its a mistake to mingle these relationships in choosing how to resolve them.

 

Your mom:

 

Set a number of hours or day parts that she will be responsible for your child. Encourage her - maybe by asking her to accompany you - to join a walking group, volunteer, take a class. She needs to get validation from her peers and she needs to see that she has control over life. If you are both home, little one is sleeping, and you want to go out... say no. stay home... unless its one of your allotted nights out.

 

Your man:

Just date him. It will advance naturally. However, I do not like that he suggested sending your mom home. Selfish? It would only make youn dependent on him. No no no. This reaction of his indicates "caution" - a yellow flag. A red one if you see a pattern.

 

Bigger picture: Is anyone thinking about one another as people, versus roles/functions/presentations?

[sins]

Try not to take advantage of your mother by using her for daytime as well as overnight babysitting. It's not this guy's call to "send her back". If he were that interested/committed, he wouldn't have you spending 3 nights a week with him as a single mother.

Hm, truth. But it's my decision to stay overnight at his place as well - as I don't want him in my house before we are anywhere serious because of the little one and I always come back home 6 am when she wakes to help her to get ready for the school. I'm just not sure, if I'm giving to much to this men ...

[Wiseman2]

Yes and taking too much from your mother. Refrain from all the sleepovers for his convenience. Go home at night after a date. What if you did that? Would he dump you for not delivering sex to his doorstep 3x a week. Why should your mother play mother to your child?

I always come back home 6 am when she wakes to help her to get ready for the school. I'm just not sure, if I'm giving to much to this men ...

[DaisyMayPorter]

If he is that committed to you, then he would want your mom to stay, would want to get to know her better and would do whatever it takes to get along with her.

[sins]

Thank you, IAmFCA!

 

When it goes to mom - she has some social life here (even more than I) as she was always quite sociable and there are quite a lot expats from my country here. And I pay all her bills. And we have a schedule settled, yes. She just wants me to stay every night home. That's the point.

For a man part - he was quite understanding before, not sure why he came to the sending mom back home idea (will ask him) he just says that in his country (he is German) almost nobody lives with their moms and I need to be independent. In my country (Russia) - we have totally different approach to that, parents are usually willing support their kids and look after the grandchildren and we (kids) support them financially.

[sins]

Yes and taking too much from your mother. Refrain from all the sleepovers for his convenience. Go home at night after a date. What if you did that? Would he dump you for not delivering sex to his doorstep 3x a week. Why should your mother play mother to your child?

 

I could try that. Actually, we don't have sex every time I stay at his place, we just like to sleep together, cuddling each other and have a long chats on his balcony as well. She shouldn't, you're right. Maybe I'm not perfect mom at all as I prefer not to devote my life to my kid all the time.

[Wiseman2]

Plenty of single working moms date. Nothing new there. Yes go home after your dates. It will smooth your relationship with your mother as well as tell you more about how this guy reacts when it stops being this convenient for him to date a single mom.

Actually, we don't have sex every time I stay at his place, we just like to sleep together, cuddling each other and have a long chats on his balcony as well.

[tattoobunnie]

Why can't he come to your house after everyone is asleep, and leaves at 6am? I could never fathom having my mom watch my kids for overnight 3x a week over a year, let alone one week. But I have young kids, and 11 is quite different.

 

I would try to cut back to one night a week at his place, and have him come at night the other nights. 3 is a lot, since she is helping you out with your daughter after-school, and doing a bulk of household chores too.

[abitbroken]

I think that when you have a child, you give up the privelege of being freewheeling and single - even if you are unmarried. Don't spend nights at his house. make him date you in a respectable manner and take it slow. And you can still have sex during the day at his house. you are being very disrespectful and taking advantage of your mother by spending the night 3 nights a week at his place. And it seems you just do it - you don't go to mom with your calendar of the next few weeks and work out a schedule for it.

 

And sneaking him in to spend the night is out of the question. Do your cuddling in the afternoon.

[sins]

Why can't he come to your house after everyone is asleep, and leaves at 6am?

My mom will not be happy about that. My house is quite small, so any noise will be disturbing her and the kid. I myself prefer to stay at his place, he takes care on everything, makes coffee and breakfast for me, so I just can relax a bit. Also my daughter is quite curious about everything, so I would expect her coming into my bedroom early morning to check on us. And this sort of things I’d better avoid )

 

To cut the number of dates - you’re right - if our conversation doesn’t end with any serious plan, I’d better focus on my family, they need me as well and even more.

[abitbroken]

My mom will not be happy about that. My house is quite small, so any noise will be disturbing her and the kid. I myself prefer to stay at his place, he takes care on everything, makes coffee and breakfast for me, so I just can relax a bit. Also my daughter is quite curious about everything, so I would expect her coming into my bedroom early morning to check on us. And this sort of things I’d better avoid )

 

To cut the number of dates - you’re right - if our conversation doesn’t end with any serious plan, I’d better focus on my family, they need me as well and even more.

 

Id be curious if my mom was disappearing three nights a week. Where does she go? And it would show me as an 11 year old that when i start dating, its cool to go sleep over at their houses instead of making them date me properly - picking me up, saying hello to mother, and coming back home at a reasonable hour. So show your daughter what you want her to do when she starts dating. a 2 year old doesn't care, but an 11 year old might start to be dating in a few years.

[sins]

I think that when you have a child, you give up the privelege of being freewheeling and single - even if you are unmarried. Don't spend nights at his house. make him date you in a respectable manner and take it slow. And you can still have sex during the day at his house. you are being very disrespectful and taking advantage of your mother by spending the night 3 nights a week at his place. And it seems you just do it - you don't go to mom with your calendar of the next few weeks and work out a schedule .

 

I don’t agree with you. Maybe it’s because I myself lived from the age 9 to the age 17 with my grandma while my mom was dating and then married to her 2nd husband. And I still think she had a right to have her private life and nothing bad happened to me as well.

So your private life shouldn’t end if you have a child. Or I would be childfree then as I value my freedom a lot. I’m just not sure that this particular guy is serious enough and don’t want to wait 5 years before he will be ready for engagement and want to find a balance with mom.

[sins]

Id be curious if my mom was disappearing three nights a week

 

She doesn’t know I’m leaving the house. I leave the place when she is sleeping and come back home before she is awake. Believe me it’s not that easy to me and to my boyfriend to follow this schedule. She doesn’t know I’m dating him, she thinks he is one of the friends of mine.

[IAmFCA]

My mom will not be happy about that. My house is quite small, so any noise will be disturbing her and the kid. I myself prefer to stay at his place, he takes care on everything, makes coffee and breakfast for me, so I just can relax a bit. Also my daughter is quite curious about everything, so I would expect her coming into my bedroom early morning to check on us. And this sort of things I’d better avoid )

 

To cut the number of dates - you’re right - if our conversation doesn’t end with any serious plan, I’d better focus on my family, they need me as well and even more.

 

Woooo youre still there at breakfast? Your daughter knows you're not home. Fix that! Get up at 5 when you do stay, and get home before she wakes.

 

3x / week to sleepover is too much if your daughter is home.

 

Finally, you said you've worked out hours with your mom. These overnights aren't among them, right? You will need to cut a new deal with her., or honor the one you made.

[Wiseman2]

It's not about good mom/bad mom. It's about two things: 1) It is straining things with your mother.

2) If this guy is not just looking for convenience then he will understand if you go home after dates...no questions asked.

 

If he balks or fades, then you have your answer that this carefree single persona you have been for him is just a mirage you have created by burdening your mom with almost as many overnight babysitting jobs as your staying home.

Maybe I'm not perfect mom at all as I prefer not to devote my life to my kid all the time.

[sins]

Woooo youre still there at breakfast? Your daughter knows you're not home. Fix that! Get up at 5 when you do stay, and get home before she wakes.

 

3x / week to sleepover is too much if your daughter is home.

 

Finally, you said you've worked out hours with your mom. These overnights aren't among them, right? You will need to cut a new deal with her., or honor the one you made.

 

We get up 5:30, have breakfast and 6 am I’m home as it’s 5 minutes drive from his place to mine.

I just wander what’s the difference if I come home 11 (when everybody is sleeping) after the “proper” date.

[Wiseman2]

It keeps the peace with your mother and sends this guy a message that you are a single mom and he needs to respect that. Are you afraid he'll walk?

I just wander what’s the difference if I come home 11 (when everybody is sleeping) after the “proper” date.

[sins]

It's not about good mom/bad mom. It's about two things: 1) It is straining things with your mother.

2) If this guy is not just looking for convenience then he will understand if you go home after dates...no questions asked.

 

If he balks or fades, then you have your answer that this carefree single persona you have been for him is just a mirage you have created by burdening your mom with almost as many overnight babysitting jobs as your staying home.

 

Actually, it’s what he is asking for - to set free my mama and to survive without her. I just wonder what help he will be ready to provide me.

[Wiseman2]

Why hasn't he stepped up yet instead of making promises and butting into your life with your mother? Is he going to hire and pay for a nanny while you work? Is he asking you to marry him and move in? No? Then he'll full of hot air.

Actually, it’s what he is asking for - to set free my mama and to survive without her. I just wonder what help he will be ready to provide me.

[sins]

It keeps the peace with your mother and sends this guy a message that you are a single mom and he needs to respect that. Are you afraid he'll walk?

 

No, I’m not. I will be just killed by this dates myself. I like to stay at his place.

[reinventmyself]

Try not to take advantage of your mother by using her for daytime as well as overnight babysitting. It's not this guy's call to "send her back". If he were that interested/committed, he wouldn't have you spending 3 nights a week with him as a single mother.

 

Is she really taking advantage of her mother if she waits 'til after the child is asleep?

 

You are caught between the values of your mother, the boyfriend and your own.

Add in your mom states she doesn't like being alone and it seems she is perfectly ok to have you to herself. It might smack of manipulation.

 

Your mother is entitled to her values but they are not in alignment with yours. You are an adult.

Your bf saying to ditch mom and get a sitter isn't cool either.

 

Basically you need to drill down what is right for you and while being respectful and fair to everyone concerned, you honor your needs.

Everyone needs to adjust. If they can't or wont, then you need to reconsider everything.

 

If your mom is unhappy, maybe consider a sitter in the house along with your mother. It may seem silly but your mom can no longer hold it

over your head that you are either neglectful or taking advantage of her.

 

Your BF's input on this is definitely a yellow or even a red flag.