Help... input appreciated and devastated

[DenisePumpkins]

Beetie - thank you so much. It’s all really unfair I think you’ll agree. We blame ourselves for not being better, for not giving more and for being blind to the fact that they just didn’t want us in that way or that much. Personally, I’ve had a tough few days and trying to keep myself together at work is becoming very difficult. Then when I start thinking about all the things he used to say to me and how he’d kiss my forehead and tell me he’d never hurt me and I think of how cold he was once I sent those damn texts, it just hurts to the core. And to now know he is being so sweet and caring and traveling all the way to Dallas to be with her on occasion (when he wouldn’t even be able to meet me down the street a few times) just makes me realize how dumb I was and how badly I wanted to believe that the years we spent together meant something to him other than just a span of time he occupied himself with a girl from cooking class because he was still technically married and I was conveniently in a mutually sticky situation.

 

All of it.. I hate it.

Sorry, spewing off mad and crying silmutaneously.

 

He has trust issues? Well guess what? Now I do too :(

[Beetie]

Denise - im getting worse and worse too, I want to get better and better but its only getting worse. Because with every passing day I know he will not contact me and has left me hanging in an abyss. He was the sweetest man but our relationship was stuck and i lost my patience sometimes, pushed his boundaries and I know I didnt treat him fairly at times. Certainly not all the time, but seemingly enough that in end after some trigger from somewhere else (since we were at opposite ends of the planet when it happened) everything must have just accumulated, and he went on the craziest angriest text rampage. and now he's removed himself, like a stranger to me. He always told me he never wants to hurt anyone, which to this day I believe, but I have spiralled so downhill and now i think im just the ugliest, most selfish person ever. I know i was a little harsh with him sometimes, but my god I would never have destroyed his soul his being like he has mine, I have my moments where I get caught up and we tend to treat those closest to us not the best sometimes, but I could never imagine hurting someone that I remotely care about like he has me. I cant breath, I cant sleep, I cant eat, I just shake.

 

I spent a few days angry, but now I am back to sad and paralyzing guilt. The little things that he got mad at that I should have stopped doing were not remotely worth losing him over.

 

i will for sure have trust issues coming out of this, i feel like it will take me years to heal :(

[DenisePumpkins]

I hear you and I get it. For me and my situation, I let him walk all over me. Late? I barely said nothing or made a joke. Cancel plans last minute? I acted like no biggie when I was really devastated. So if it makes you feel any better, you can’t win at either end of the spectrum. I never did one thing in all the years of us that would have been pushing him to do something. The only thing ever he has on me we’re those texts.

 

What I’m trying to get to is a place where I just have to accept that he cared but not enough. He liked me but not enough and now he seems fully engaged with this old friend of his and it breaks my heart to know she may be experiencing what I had always hoped for... something real with him.

 

Sending hugs and let’s hang in there. It’s horrible to feel like you’re not enough and you weren’t enough. If he would have acted at all like he wanted something real, I’d have moved on it. Something was always nagging at me and it’s like I knew if I pushed for more or wanted more, he could have bolted. So I never wanted to risk it because I cared for him so much. Now I know should this ever happen again, I’ll be upfront and honest about how much I care instead of pretending to be okay with just “hanging out” for years with no real progress.

 

Lost my best friend and the only man who did it for me sexually EVER so I hear you on the not eating and I only want to sleep. Wake up, first thought is “yep, he didn’t want me... he wants her” repeat cycle.

 

It’s no way to live. Therapy has helped a little so I might suggest reaching out if you can. No man is worth this (is what I keep telling myself). If they wanted to be with us, they would have not left.

 

Plain. Simple. Not easy to accept.

:(

[SweetGirl28]

Denise - im getting worse and worse too, I want to get better and better but its only getting worse. Because with every passing day I know he will not contact me and has left me hanging in an abyss. He was the sweetest man but our relationship was stuck and i lost my patience sometimes, pushed his boundaries and I know I didnt treat him fairly at times. Certainly not all the time, but seemingly enough that in end after some trigger from somewhere else (since we were at opposite ends of the planet when it happened) everything must have just accumulated, and he went on the craziest angriest text rampage. and now he's removed himself, like a stranger to me. He always told me he never wants to hurt anyone, which to this day I believe, but I have spiralled so downhill and now i think im just the ugliest, most selfish person ever. I know i was a little harsh with him sometimes, but my god I would never have destroyed his soul his being like he has mine, I have my moments where I get caught up and we tend to treat those closest to us not the best sometimes, but I could never imagine hurting someone that I remotely care about like he has me. I cant breath, I cant sleep, I cant eat, I just shake.

 

I spent a few days angry, but now I am back to sad and paralyzing guilt. The little things that he got mad at that I should have stopped doing were not remotely worth losing him over.

 

i will for sure have trust issues coming out of this, i feel like it will take me years to heal :(

 

How long were you together? And how long since the breakup? Was this a long distance relationship?

 

You have to stop beating yourself up. You cannot change the past, nor the outcome.

Give him time to get over being angry. Once those bad memories fade, people often reach out again.

In the meantime, forgive yourself, work on healing, and move forward with life. I assure you he is

not the last man on earth. If you feel trust issues are going to be an issue, get therapy to overcome it.

Taking years to heal won't get you anywhere, except a continued feeling of sadness, despair, and hurt.

It can take time to connect with someone again, and can feel like a full time job, but when you get yourself

to a happy place in life again, and feel whole, you can get a fresh start.

 

I'm going on a date with a lawyer that I originally wasn't attracted to, and the more we speak, he makes me

laugh so hard I've been crying. I also found out we have lots in common. I had sworn off lawyers and doctors

from past experience, but here I go again lol. If I don't feel the spark after several dates, so be it. But it helps

to realize that no matter how great you think your ex was, there are other people who can make you feel good,

even if it just ends up as friendship or a few fun memories made together. Don't give up on humanity nor yourself

because you're feeling jaded. Positive thoughts, when you're ready, will take you on the right path to the happiness

you seek. Work on controlling your temper a little too, so as not to repeat the same pattern.

Whether it's your ex or a new man, I wish you much happiness :)

[SweetGirl28]

I hear you and I get it. For me and my situation, I let him walk all over me. Late? I barely said nothing or made a joke. Cancel plans last minute? I acted like no biggie when I was really devastated. So if it makes you feel any better, you can’t win at either end of the spectrum. I never did one thing in all the years of us that would have been pushing him to do something. The only thing ever he has on me we’re those texts.

 

What I’m trying to get to is a place where I just have to accept that he cared but not enough. He liked me but not enough and now he seems fully engaged with this old friend of his and it breaks my heart to know she may be experiencing what I had always hoped for... something real with him.

 

Sending hugs and let’s hang in there. It’s horrible to feel like you’re not enough and you weren’t enough. If he would have acted at all like he wanted something real, I’d have moved on it. Something was always nagging at me and it’s like I knew if I pushed for more or wanted more, he could have bolted. So I never wanted to risk it because I cared for him so much. Now I know should this ever happen again, I’ll be upfront and honest about how much I care instead of pretending to be okay with just “hanging out” for years with no real progress.

 

Lost my best friend and the only man who did it for me sexually EVER so I hear you on the not eating and I only want to sleep. Wake up, first thought is “yep, he didn’t want me... he wants her” repeat cycle.

 

It’s no way to live. Therapy has helped a little so I might suggest reaching out if you can. No man is worth this (is what I keep telling myself). If they wanted to be with us, they would have not left.

 

Plain. Simple. Not easy to accept.

:(

 

Denise!!! Chin up GF!!! I'm sending you a thousand warm hugs, and a slight little push to get you

under another man to find that sexual desire you crave!!! Lol, I totally relate to this. The last one was

irreplaceable in those terms I think, and it ticks me off knowing someone else is getting all that amazing sex,

and I'm praying they are not as adventurous and open as I am, and he gets booooooooooooring sex!!! Hahaha

[SweetGirl28]

And I need to add, Denise, don't worry about this girl.

She is a matter of convenience for him. There's distance. It's a great reason for him to not have to

fully commit to a relationship. He can see her on his terms, and go about his life everyday as he pleases.

[DenisePumpkins]

And I need to add, Denise, don't worry about this girl.

She is a matter of convenience for him. There's distance. It's a great reason for him to not have to

fully commit to a relationship. He can see her on his terms, and go about his life everyday as he pleases.

 

Thanks and here’s hoping. I still can’t somehow shake the feeling that he really wanted to maybe have something real now that his life is more in order... he brings me for a romantic carriage ride and is all over me the next day at class talking about how the next few months we were going to do all these things and then I send texts, he’s says he’s disappointed in me, goes silent, avoids me and then after prodding 6 weeks later, finally admits we can never go back to what we were. Then enters miss Dallas young thing and he’s making moves (read: effort) to see her there and her coming here. I know every friend of mine, my therapist and all the posts here are saying it wasn’t my texts but I think they pushed him away somehow and then Debbie Dallas shows (or was already getting friendly) and is young and pretty and smart and a go-getter that shares a lot in common w Bill and boom... he’s maybe ready for something real that he can actually be open about - no need to hide it cuz his ex is gone and miss Dallas is free as a bird.

 

Killing me.

[MissCanuck]

There is no doubt in my mind that this new woman was on the scene before he broke it all off with you. That was my guess from the very beginning, that he'd met someone else. It makes perfect sense in explaining his hot and cold behavior - he didn't know where things were going with her, so he kept you buttered up. As soon as he felt more confident about her, he ended it with you.

 

And yes, he likely is putting in more effort there largely because she has nothing to hide and no boyfriend. Like it or not, OP, you were and still are not in a position to be his girlfriend anyway. He wasn't going to wait around forever for you to make yourself single for him.

[SweetGirl28]

Thanks and here’s hoping. I still can’t somehow shake the feeling that he really wanted to maybe have something real now that his life is more in order... he brings me for a romantic carriage ride and is all over me the next day at class talking about how the next few months we were going to do all these things and then I send texts, he’s says he’s disappointed in me, goes silent, avoids me and then after prodding 6 weeks later, finally admits we can never go back to what we were. Then enters miss Dallas young thing and he’s making moves (read: effort) to see her there and her coming here. I know every friend of mine, my therapist and all the posts here are saying it wasn’t my texts but I think they pushed him away somehow and then Debbie Dallas shows (or was already getting friendly) and is young and pretty and smart and a go-getter that shares a lot in common w Bill and boom... he’s maybe ready for something real that he can actually be open about - no need to hide it cuz his ex is gone and miss Dallas is free as a bird.

 

 

Killing me.[/quote

 

Don't forget he has trust issues. That's what really made him bail out.

He knew this girl already, when she does something to stir his issues up, he will do the same to her.

[SweetGirl28]

MissCanuck has a valid point. However, you both were technically not available.

He was still married, you had a live in partner(still do?)

The best thing, after three years, when the divorce finalized, would have been for him to give you

an ultimatum , such as "leave him, be with me, or I can't continue this." He never did that. Because he

most likely had no intention of doing so. Men with trust issues are very difficult to win over and get to

commit. They will over analyze everything. I know you blame your texts, but in all honesty he would

have forgiven a little drunken banter after three years. No one lets go that easily after that length of time.

 

I think I've said this to you before, if you find yourself single, avoid married, separated, and recently

divorced/ recently single men out of LTR. Don't fall into the FWB or rebound situation. It may mean turning

down a good number of men you meet, but it will be better in the long run. Only seek out men who are looking

for eventual commitment(you have to casually date them to get to know them, but never let that go for months

on end without knowing where you stand with them).

[Jibralta]

There is no doubt in my mind that this new woman was on the scene before he broke it all off with you. That was my guess from the very beginning, that he'd met someone else. It makes perfect sense in explaining his hot and cold behavior - he didn't know where things were going with her, so he kept you buttered up. As soon as he felt more confident about her, he ended it with you.

 

I also think this is very likely.

[DenisePumpkins]

Thanks everyone.

 

For a few weeks I’ve really been blaming myself every which way... saying if I would have left my situation earlier then he would have made us a real something instead of just “hanging out” but then I look back and think he never once told me he cared about me or loved me and always kept distance between us and it never gave me any confidence I was more than just a special friend. He would just do nice little things and ask how I was feeling when sick and wish me goodnight and tell me he appreciated me.

 

To shed a bit more light, yes, his marriage was over. Yet they still lived together and it took something like 3 years to move the proceedings along. However, it wasn’t him that pushed it along. It was her. And if she had not pushed for the official divorce and got a lawyer and moved out in June, he’d be in the same boat and still living with her.

 

So I ask, why do I keep beating myself up for not leaving when he was just riding out the storm as well? If he wanted out that bad or to be with me, he’d a made a move too no?

 

I just find it hard to think that in over three years, he’d never bring up US. It was always just fun conversations, last minute plans and if I tried to bring our/my situation up at all, he’d mention how he doesn’t judge me and I don’t him and then change the subject. Case closed.

 

This is why my therapist contends he never wanted anything serious with me. A man should be able to talk about the situation at some point in a few years no? And the only other time I mentioned how I get confused when he goes hot and cold his response is that he’s damaged and often needs to slow things down. How much slower could we go?

 

And that is why I never had the confidence to say anything else - for fear of him thinking I was planning our wedding. I really just loved his company and didn’t want it to end and when I finally tell him how much I don’t want to lose him after the texts he already looked at me like I was dead. Then a few weeks later when I finally confronted him because he gave me the silent treatment and I asked what we were and he plays stupid? And I ask if it is someone else and he seems confused, doesn’t hear me and finally says “not right now, no” What kind of answer is that? Then I mentioned that I thought we maybe could of been a real thing when I leave and to that he just said he never asked me to leave and basically that’s my life and my own issue and that we were just for fun. Now was he just being cold to get rid of me or is that how he really felt? I’ll never know.. but I know he’s in the arms of Miss Dallas now.

 

I just don’t know how anyone can be so cold to someone else that was always there for him and showed time and time again how much she cared :(

[Jibralta]

I just don’t know how anyone can be so cold to someone else that was always there for him and showed time and time again how much she cared :(

 

You care for people and appreciate it when people care for you. So, you naturally assume that other people are like you. But there are some real cold ones out there who look and act just like normal people, but these people only take and never truly give. They don't care if they hurt you, and they can walk away without a second though--unless they think you have something to offer them. But they aren't caring, they have no concept of altruism, and no appreciation for kindness. They are just a different breed of human.

 

There's a fable called The Frog and the Scorpion that sums this up very nicely. Here is one version that I just found on the internet (it has a turtle, not a frog):

 

A scorpion, being a very poor swimmer, asked a turtle to carry him on his back across a river. “Are you mad?” exclaimed the turtle. “You’ll sting me while I’m swimming and I’ll drown.”

 

“My dear turtle,” laughed the scorpion, “if I were to sting you, you would drown and I would go down with you. Now where is the logic in that?”

 

“You’re right!” cried the turtle. “Hop on!” The scorpion climbed aboard and halfway across the river gave the turtle a mighty sting. As they both sank to the bottom, the turtle resignedly said:

 

“Do you mind if I ask you something? You said there’d be no logic in your stinging me. Why did you do it?”

 

“It has nothing to do with logic,” the drowning scorpion sadly replied. “It’s just my character.”

[DenisePumpkins]

There is no doubt in my mind that this new woman was on the scene before he broke it all off with you. That was my guess from the very beginning, that he'd met someone else. It makes perfect sense in explaining his hot and cold behavior - he didn't know where things were going with her, so he kept you buttered up. As soon as he felt more confident about her, he ended it with you.

 

And yes, he likely is putting in more effort there largely because she has nothing to hide and no boyfriend. Like it or not, OP, you were and still are not in a position to be his girlfriend anyway. He wasn't going to wait around forever for you to make yourself single for him.

 

Just to clarify, he was hot and cold w me for the whole 3+ years. Not just before it blew up.

[SweetGirl28]

Thanks everyone.

 

For a few weeks I’ve really been blaming myself every which way... saying if I would have left my situation earlier then he would have made us a real something instead of just “hanging out” but then I look back and think he never once told me he cared about me or loved me and always kept distance between us and it never gave me any confidence I was more than just a special friend. He would just do nice little things and ask how I was feeling when sick and wish me goodnight and tell me he appreciated me.

 

To shed a bit more light, yes, his marriage was over. Yet they still lived together and it took something like 3 years to move the proceedings along. However, it wasn’t him that pushed it along. It was her. And if she had not pushed for the official divorce and got a lawyer and moved out in June, he’d be in the same boat and still living with her.

 

So I ask, why do I keep beating myself up for not leaving when he was just riding out the storm as well? If he wanted out that bad or to be with me, he’d a made a move too no?

 

I just find it hard to think that in over three years, he’d never bring up US. It was always just fun conversations, last minute plans and if I tried to bring our/my situation up at all, he’d mention how he doesn’t judge me and I don’t him and then change the subject. Case closed.

 

This is why my therapist contends he never wanted anything serious with me. A man should be able to talk about the situation at some point in a few years no? And the only other time I mentioned how I get confused when he goes hot and cold his response is that he’s damaged and often needs to slow things down. How much slower could we go?

 

And that is why I never had the confidence to say anything else - for fear of him thinking I was planning our wedding. I really just loved his company and didn’t want it to end and when I finally tell him how much I don’t want to lose him after the texts he already looked at me like I was dead. Then a few weeks later when I finally confronted him because he gave me the silent treatment and I asked what we were and he plays stupid? And I ask if it is someone else and he seems confused, doesn’t hear me and finally says “not right now, no” What kind of answer is that? Then I mentioned that I thought we maybe could of been a real thing when I leave and to that he just said he never asked me to leave and basically that’s my life and my own issue and that we were just for fun. Now was he just being cold to get rid of me or is that how he really felt? I’ll never know.. but I know he’s in the arms of Miss Dallas now.

 

I just don’t know how anyone can be so cold to someone else that was always there for him and showed time and time again how much she cared :(

 

Denise, he cannot point fingers at you, when he was in the exact same situation, doing the same as you were.

Unfortunately many men have a double standard when it comes to this. They end up saying they can't trust,

but what do their own actions offer as far as trust goes? Nothing.

 

He's cold because he had to withdraw knowing your feelings ran deeper than his.

He is non committal. Unless he works out his own issues, he will do this time and again.

 

Hearing you were just for fun hurts, I know. I've been YOU. I've heard the "I like you lots,

I'm attracted to you, I have fun with you, I think you are so sexy, but I can't give you what you need

right now." Translation>>>>>> I like having sex with you, and hanging out, but I'll never commit to

you because I don't see you as long term in my future." Hurt like hell, set me back , made me feel

worthless, used, I gave my heart and time and body and bam!! Stupid feelings got caught and he didn't

have them to return to me. the heartache and emotional damage is a long process to undo, but you

can get through this. I realize I wasn't used, I went along with continuing because I loved him and he

was the smile on my face and the warm feeling through my body every time I saw him text, saw him,

etc. I never wanted to leave him. Being apart from him hurt.

 

Your therapist is right. A man who views you as commitment material will openly discuss how

they feel, and talk about the future. You were certainly together long enough for it to happen.

[boltnrun]

One of my friends had an affair for years with a married man. She too was married. They had all sorts of naughty adventures including having sex in the file room at work and meeting in motel rooms where he'd bring her costumes he wanted her to dress up in before having sex. He told her she was the "hottest" woman he'd ever been with. He said he "couldn't" leave his wife for one reason after another but said as soon as this or that happened (his kids were older, his wife was more "stable", he thought his family could handle him getting divorced, etc.), he'd leave his wife. So my friend decided to leave her husband to make herself 100% available to the affair man to help him move along with his divorce.

 

Well, one day she found out the news...he was leaving his wife! Oh, happy day! At last they could be together! Except, she found out a bit later that he did leave his wife but immediately started dating a different woman! He explained he didn't want to bring a woman around his family who had been willing to be the mistress to a married man and who cheated on her own husband. His family wouldn't accept a woman like that (plus, she worked for his dad which would have made things much more complicated), so he chose to date a different woman, a woman he hadn't been having an affair with.

 

She was devastated (of course) and ended up slinking back to her husband because she didn't want to be "alone" after affair guy ditched her. But it hurt her badly...she apparently was good enough for sex on the sly but not good enough for an actual relationship. He didn't want to bring her home to Mom and Dad.

 

I don't know if writing this will be of any help. I'm not trying to pile on because you've dealt with enough. But for some people, the affair partner won't ever become the spouse because of whatever reason, whether it's guilt or shame or that their own feelings about the person can't transcend how they started out.

 

Whatever it is with this man, he's apparently not willing to make the situation an "official" relationship. So I presume you have the choice to try to repair your current relationship or forge out on your own and meet a man who you're compatible with on every level.

[DenisePumpkins]

Yes, thought of this situation as well. I think I’ve thought of all the situations and reasons and even so, it hurts still. I’m sure your friend was devastated and the guy sounds like a real jerk as he was covering up his own behavior more than anything and blaming her when she left!! But that said, he easily got away, had his cake and still got the girl he apparently wanted while using your friend all those years.

 

Course I thought “how can he explain me” to anyone? Family, friends... but still he doesn’t have many close friends (one or two) and I did meet some of his buds as the friend. But they knew I’m sure..

 

I just hate thinking he came onto me years ago knowing that he’d never want to have more because of the reason you mentioned or because he’s not capable or because he was waiting for me to screw up ONCE. Means I never had a chance.

 

And honestly it just goes to show you that you never know what someone’s intentions are. Your friend obviously loved this man enough to end her own relationship’s security because of what he told her. The wildcard he is she worked for his dad so the fam would have known. In my case, we only would have met at cooking class and been friends. He promised me nothing as he never spoke of the future other than his own and maybe a vacation we’d go on and me about when I leave and what I’m doing for my life, career, etc. He kept everything very separate.

 

Personally, I think the girl he is out and about with now, being 14 years his junior and them meeting back some 10 plus years ago when she was barely legal and he was “happily married” looks not so great as well but that’s my take because she could almost pass for his daughter.

 

My only tipoff that he was emotionally unavailable (along w always being late and hot cold) was that he could not bring himself to talk any emotions or feelings. I feel like if he could have verbalized anything, in any way... tell me something about how he feels, what I was to him, ANYTHING then it would have been different and I would not have been guessing for all the years we HUNG OUT.

 

Ugh.

[DenisePumpkins]

So if anyone is reading this, I just had to add that as more time goes on, the more my subconscious seems to be kicking my butt.

 

Past week I’ve been sleeping horribly and I’ve noticed that when I wake up, my first half thought is “he’s gone because I ruined it and I need to fix it because I lost my best friend, cooking partner and the only person who’s ever made me feel sexy”. Then a few moments later I think “he just didn’t want you... you were good enough for over three years but he just didnt want you in his life anymore. You can’t fix it. He’s already found someone better.” Then the rest of the day I’m just sad, gloomy and for 4 months now just unable to smile.

 

Today’s circling thought is all about how he was able to just look at me like I was already dead to him when we met for me to apologize for the stupid texts. To hear someone you fell in love with tell you they were so disappointed in you and they didn’t like how you spoke of them without any regard for all the times I was there for him and tried to always show I was someone’s he could trust, is just heartbreaking. Two days before we were hand holding and kissing and making getaway plans during the carriage ride and dinner he surprised me with and just 48 hrs later I triggered the apocalypse. He goes dead silent and after two attempts to talk in the weeks following initiated by me, at which I was only told in nods and shrugs that we were done and he can never look at me the same, I can’t help but ask why he would be so mean to me UNLESS he was really mad about those texts.

 

This is why I can’t let go of the fact that I caused the demise. I sent the trigger and lit the fuse. He acts like he had no option other than to throw away our friendship and other than a happy bday text, has not reached out. I’ve only seen him if I go to cooking school and then he flirted w me a bit a full 3 months after he ended all contact. I get the whole “he didn’t want to commit thing” but after the friendship we had and the decent person I’ve seen him be, that he’d treat me that way just to get rid of me?

 

Even after all these comments, professional therapy and countless friend’s advice, I can’t help but think his trust issues run so deep that my talking about how long it took to get back to me and that I was pissed and thought he was pissed at me that it could literally make him forget all our good times, how many times I was there for him, the amazing sex and the cooking buddy that he spent hours upon hours with. I can’t shake the possibility that he really was so turned off by my drunken ramblings that he just shut me off too.

 

:(

[MissCanuck]

I sent the trigger and lit the fuse.

He'd been searching for that trigger; I guarantee it. He took the cowardly way out and blamed you rather than being honest and saying, "Hey, I won't be able to keep seeing you. I've met someone else and want to see where that goes." If it hadn't been this texting episode, he would have found another exit.

 

after the friendship we had and the decent person I’ve seen him be, that he’d treat me that way just to get rid of me?

Unfortunately, yes. It doesn't feel good, I know. But this often happens when a relationship ends and the one person starts dating someone else. He knows that staying friendly with you isn't going to work, because you will probably continue to live in false hope and it seems he wants to pursue something with this new woman. He hasn't forgotten your shared times and memories but there was always an expiration date on your relationship - or at least as long as you yourself had a boyfriend.

 

I am curious, OP, how did you envision this relationship with him developing? I mean that as a sincere question. Did you see yourself breaking up with your boyfriend and dating this man officially, or? This type of situation isn't tenable in the long-run, so I am interested in hearing how you expected this to play out in the end.

[boltnrun]

Please don't assume this woman is "better" than you. She's just someone different.

[DenisePumpkins]

I honestly saw us potentially having something real. I hoped that at some point, he would have asked me something. Said anything about the future in all our times together. I figured he’d come to see I was worth it in time and that the fun and times we shared don’t happen with such sparks as we often enjoyed. I thought he’d maybe ask if I was going to leave but he always kept things separate and was in a similar boat until his ex decided she needed to finalize things, ended it officially and moved out. If she hadn’t, he’d still be in the same place as me. That said, it’s hard to think he would have judged me for acting similarly and he never took any initiative to discuss either so it’s hard for me to front the whole blame of my situation because he did nothing to change his either.

 

I know you keep harping on my situation, MissCanuck and I get it but TBH, he never gave me any reason to think we’d be anything. I knew he was not good at talking about things and that his trust issues are crazy so I had hoped over time he’d grow closer and see how much he meant to me.

 

I only needed one sign, one word and I would have pulled the band aid.

 

And for the record, my situation has been nothing but good friends for over 3 years now. No hugs, no sex. No nothing but friendly banter so I was not playing both sides and Bill knew that.

[SweetGirl28]

You need a lot more time to pass to stop feeling the way you are.

Three years is a long time to get over in just a few months. Trust that it will happen eventually.

What's most likely hurting you the most right now is that he is with the other girl, and you're

feeling lonely, and missing him. When you meet someone else who ignites that spark within you,

these feelings will lessen. When you fall in love again, this won't hurt as much. I promise you.

I'm feeling the same as you, and unable to connect right now. I turn down men that women would

jump to have a chance with. So, it's not these men, it's me. I'm keeping myself stuck right now.

You are also. It would be great to fast forward time and heal the hurt, the scars, the misery, but it

has to come on its own. It can't be forced. I hope you feel better soon luv :)

[MissCanuck]

I honestly saw us potentially having something real. I hoped that at some point, he would have asked me something. Said anything about the future in all our times together. I figured he’d come to see I was worth it in time and that the fun and times we shared don’t happen with such sparks as we often enjoyed. I thought he’d maybe ask if I was going to leave but he always kept things separate and was in a similar boat until his ex decided she needed to finalize things, ended it officially and moved out. If she hadn’t, he’d still be in the same place as me. That said, it’s hard to think he would have judged me for acting similarly and he never took any initiative to discuss either so it’s hard for me to front the whole blame of my situation because he did nothing to change his either.

 

I know you keep harping on my situation, MissCanuck and I get it but TBH, he never gave me any reason to think we’d be anything. I knew he was not good at talking about things and that his trust issues are crazy so I had hoped over time he’d grow closer and see how much he meant to me.

 

I only needed one sign, one word and I would have pulled the band aid.

 

And for the record, my situation has been nothing but good friends for over 3 years now. No hugs, no sex. No nothing but friendly banter so I was not playing both sides and Bill knew that.

 

So why are you still there?

 

And you had said your boyfriend doesn't know about Bill. Is that correct? If that's the case, I can't see how you're not playing both sides. Yes, maybe Bill knew, but your boyfriend does not. Correct me if I'm wrong, though.

 

Look, at the end of the day, a man wants a woman who is independent and makes up her own mind. You showed Bill you are not willing to take charge of your life on your own volition. You depend instead on the words or actions of a man to make decisions for you. Hanging on to what is apparently a long-dead relationship isn't an attractive look for a man, if you get my drift. You say I am harping on this, but OP, I think you're being very dishonest with yourself.

 

Until you take charge of your life, and not wait for a guy to guide your path, you won't find happiness. This type of thing will happen again.

[DenisePumpkins]

I can say with conviction this will never happen again. I will never let myself care about someone else who can’t have a conversation about US. My current situation will not talk about us easily and Bill would shut it down if I ever brought up my feelings or came close to discussing it.

 

Add that to the fact that I will be addressing my situation, which I admit I was lazy about because it was easy, financially convenient and other dependencies on why I never pulled the trigger that Bill knew fully about. He was just as lazy as me but it just so happens his ex left before me or my guy did. I didn’t judge him for that but I would now if that’s the reason he bolted.

[DenisePumpkins]

You need a lot more time to pass to stop feeling the way you are.

Three years is a long time to get over in just a few months. Trust that it will happen eventually.

What's most likely hurting you the most right now is that he is with the other girl, and you're

feeling lonely, and missing him. When you meet someone else who ignites that spark within you,

these feelings will lessen. When you fall in love again, this won't hurt as much. I promise you.

I'm feeling the same as you, and unable to connect right now. I turn down men that women would

jump to have a chance with. So, it's not these men, it's me. I'm keeping myself stuck right now.

You are also. It would be great to fast forward time and heal the hurt, the scars, the misery, but it

has to come on its own. It can't be forced. I hope you feel better soon luv :)

 

Thanks girl.. he’s in my dreams - he’s everywhere. I really don’t want anyone right now so the thought of even getting under someone else is presently revolting. I don’t trust men easily either and the way I gave myself to him I can’t say I’ll be very moved to do so again should I ever find anyone else remotely attractive. I liked him for 2 years before he came after me so yeah, doesn’t happen often and I’m not seeing myself even crushing on anyone for a very long time.

 

They won’t stack up.