Help... input appreciated and devastated

[SweetGirl28]

Thanks girl.. he’s in my dreams - he’s everywhere. I really don’t want anyone right now so the thought of even getting under someone else is presently revolting. I don’t trust men easily either and the way I gave myself to him I can’t say I’ll be very moved to do so again should I ever find anyone else remotely attractive. I liked him for 2 years before he came after me so yeah, doesn’t happen often and I’m not seeing myself even crushing on anyone for a very long time.

 

They won’t stack up.

 

I don't trust easily either, but you know that's a good quality. There are a lot of men out there that prey on

perceived weakness and kindness, and will learn those things about you and use it to their advantage.

Having my life literally turned inside out and destroyed by a diagnosed narcissist, I thought I'd never feel safe

or love again, but I did. I lost that love, and I feel he is irreplaceable right now, but I know that's not true.

 

Once you heal completely, you'll find you won't feel this way where you won't open yourself up.

A new relationship doesn't flourish when emotional baggage comes with it. You'll be okay, I know

it hurts so deeply right now, but better times will come your way, when you're ready.

 

And yes, don't invest your time, heart, and emotions in any man that puts off discussing what you are to him,

and doesn't talk about a future with you. Cut them loose early on. I think you're a good, caring, loving person

who wants and deserves a love that is unconditional, and you had good intentions, they just fell through the cracks.

Don't beat yourself up. ((((Hugs))))

[DenisePumpkins]

Had to check in here as much as I’m trying to let go.. I can’t find the strength to stop playing “what if”

 

More importantly, I’ve not been to cooking class in 6 weeks and therefore not seen Bill. However, he is in my dreams nightly as he always was... there but never committed to me and his presence is always fleeting but he still shows up nightly.

 

Also, I happened to come across an Instagram post of his a day or so ago that implies he is ready to take a chance on Love. This made me sick to my stomach - so much for emotionally unavailable guy that was protecting himself with a long-distance relationship. He’s ready and willing for Love now. So glad I was able to “soften the blow” and get him back into dating life and a happy relationship while he left me flailing about in a pretty selfish manner while blaming me to top it all off.

 

Other than venting, this thread is not serving any purpose and as I write these words, im not even sure why I’m wasting the effort. I’ve had my heart broken once before but it was never like this. Perhaps it was him blaming my texts and by proxy, me for the whole demise of “us” and that’s why I can’t let go. Maybe it’s the “if I had left my situation earlier” games that keep me self-blaming as well. Either way, I feel like if he really wanted anything with me that was real, he would have said it at some point instead of always being ambiguous. I’m trying to take him off that pedestal I’ve put him on for so long to see that even when things were good, he was selfish. I’d be waiting at a restaurant for him and he’d cancel last minute and seen unfazed with little apology. Or I’d want to do something specific and he’d kind of make me feel like he’d rather do what he wanted (and I’d go along as I wouldn’t want to make him uncomfortable). How he ended things and avoided me and made me feel lower than dirt - that was selfish as well. All to avoid a difficult conversation where he may have spilled the beans about this other woman so he just said nothing!? For weeks?? Until I had to come out and ask!? Twice!? Either way, I’m still having a really hard time coming to terms with everything and how it happened and I’m not sure how to start to try to feel like myself again :(

 

I can’t find another class like the one I took either that’s even remotely as nice as his/the school that he teaches. Now I’m missing out on one of the few things I always enjoyed as well as there is no where else to go... or face him on a weekly basis and keep reopening the wound. My whole routine is upside down and between his absence and the lack of enjoyment, I’m really going down a dark path of depression and anger.

 

And before anyone says “that’s Karma.. serves you right” because of how youve been doing this on the hide, please know that my situation is a tricky one. We’ve not even kissed in 3 years or so and never even share the same bed. Doesn’t make it right but not playing happy girl by any means. Finances, careers and family obligations have made it even more difficult to make the split but by all means, we are really just friends.

 

Any positive comments are welcome. And yes, time may help in healing... but time cannot make us forget.

[Jibralta]

What has he done for you, besides being the 'face' of a dream or an ambition, that makes you mourn his absence so badly?

[DaisyMayPorter]

Are you still in your relationship? Is bill in a relationship or just “looking for love” like his Instagram post suggested?

[DenisePumpkins]

What has he done for you, besides being the 'face' of a dream or an ambition, that makes you mourn his absence so badly?

 

Honestly? He made me laugh like no one could. He made love to me like no one ever has and he gave me the attention (granted sometimes half-assed) I so craved from my own situation and never received.

 

What he didn’t give me? Emotional anything nor any commitment or feeling of security. Hate to admit it but every time we were intimate, I’d cry after he fell asleep because I never knew if it was going to be the last time.

 

Pathetic huh?

[Jibralta]

I don't know if it's pathetic, but you do seem to put him on a pedestal. Laughter is important. Sex is important. But should you give up everything else for these two things? I'm not counting attention because I don't think half-assed attention counts as attention.

[DenisePumpkins]

Are you still in your relationship? Is bill in a relationship or just “looking for love” like his Instagram post suggested?

 

I’m still attached to someone with zero chemistry. Long story short it should have ended years ago but due to reasons stated above and that every time I brought up our lack of chemistry he just kind of shut down. He won’t acknowledge it and it’s like we are just friends but nothing else.

 

Bill is seeing someone and I came across a poem he posted on Instagram that hinted at its root that he is ready to take the plunge, let go of fear and have a chance at Love.

 

The general feeling is that his thing w her may have sparked before I gave him an out with my dumb ass texts.

 

all in all, it’s killing me. Literally. Why? Because for years I only knew the Bill that said he had massive walls and often needed to slow things down. Months later he’s ready for the real deal.

[SweetGirl28]

Do you think he posted the poem only because it was VDay, and you are reading more into it?

[DenisePumpkins]

Do you think he posted the poem only because it was VDay, and you are reading more into it?

 

It wasn’t posted today. I just saw it. It was from over a week ago. Plus, it’s very unlike him.

 

Needless to say, I’m devastated. I feel like it maybe could have been me he was writing about but I messed it up.

[SweetGirl28]

I know you are hurting, but remember how elusive he was. Never wanted to discuss what you were.

Three years of it, right? He's not above you, he's not the end all, be all, he's a man you fell in love with who kept

himself guarded. Why the change of heart you think he's having is anyone's guess. But you cannot change it.

You have to heal, and you will, and you'll be able to look back and see it wasn't meant to be anymore.

Nothing you did, nothing that could have changed his mind, he just felt differently. It's not a reflection of you.

I hurt immensely over my last ex, cried so much, replayed every thing in my mind, he reappeared. We have contact

but I don't initiate. And guess what? I'm fine whether I hear from him or I don't. I really have zero desire now to see him. And I loved him deeply. Time changes things, don't forget it. You'll reach this point. It just takes time.

[DenisePumpkins]

Thanks Sweetgirl, I’m just feeling more and more depressed and his post was the last straw.

 

He texted me the other day to congratulate me on my new job. It’s a big deal and he must have seen my posts that I got the job but he knew I wanted because we used to talk about it “back then.”

 

To see him text me set me back. I wondered if he reached out to show that he is trying to be friends? One friend said I shouldn’t even answer him - that he is keeping me on the line but I doubt that. I know he wants to not feel guilty and I think him wishing me well was simply that he wants to feel like the bigger person.

 

Meanwhile I sat in my new office all day and cried. And I hate myself for it.

[SweetGirl28]

I know, the first text I got from my ex 2 1/2 months after the silent treatment reduced me to tears and I was fighting texting back, but I caved. It was still a roller coaster ride, I've deleted him several times over since November lol. We are on good terms and it's like nothing ever happened, except we aren't getting back together so I just don't bother unless he contacts me. And I'm okay with it. But I never ignore him. Not anymore lol.

I think he was being genuine. He would not have done so if he didn't want to. Thing is, you can't be friends because you're not doing well. You might think it will ease the pain, but it won't. Especially if you think he's falling for someone.

You need to do what's right for you, in your head, not your heart. You'll find the answer. Whatever your gut feels, go with it.

I don't really like NC and ignoring, I think it's cruel when someone was a big part of your life. But if it magnifies the pain, it's best to silently thank him in your mind, and leave it be for now. Try hard not to look at social media. It's a trigger.

[MissCanuck]

It would be best if you deleted him from social media, OP.

 

It's only going to keep you stuck while he's already moved on. There's no purpose in seeing updates about his life, and vice versa.

[shessofly]

I think you have a distorted view of his awesomeness because you have remained in a dead and unfulfilling relationship for so long. Like you have been eating onion sandwiches for years. You are over that taste - it does little for your buds but you just can't give up those onions. Bill came along and added a dab of ketchup to that sandwich - just that little extra bit of flavor has you believing you now have the best sandwich ever, even though it really didn't add much it's a tiny bit different, a little sweeter, a little more palatable. Now the drop of ketchup is gone and it's back to straight onions. Give up the onion sandwich. That was probably a terrible analogy but...

 

I truly hope you will do something about ending your current relationship. It might mean tightening the purse strings for a while and hurting for a bit, but otherwise you remain unavailable for love with bill or anyone else.

 

Your view of Bill is way overinflated in my opinion. He's not so special, really.

[DenisePumpkins]

Agree.. I’ve put Bill on a pedestal for a very long time now. In fact, I had a thing for him two years before he ever made a move - always found him so charming and funny and just knew exactly what to say and when. Something I’ve not felt in maybe forever and it just clicked for me in ways I wished for years it would with my current guy but never did.

 

My current “onion” (lol) is just a great guy. Sure there is no chemistry and really there never was but he treats me the way any girl would like to be treated (minus the inability to be affectionate) I think that’s why I haven’t left. I’m getting older and in reality I feel like I’ll never find another kind man like him again. When I met him, I was um... pure and always felt cheated that I’d never know what that was like if I didn’t stray. That’s what led to me basically falling into Bill’s arms. He gave me ALL the attention I’ve never gotten and made me feel sexy - something I’d never felt before. But, he gave me no emotional security and that’s why the two of them could coexist because they each provided me with exactly what the other was missing. It’s eerie really.

 

I honestly think that to have that in one person is not possible. Unicorns... don’t exist.