Help... input appreciated and devastated

[MissCanuck]

OP, I know you were invested. But he was not.

 

Again, can you really blame him? You're someone else's girlfriend. As such, getting emotionally invested in you is too risky.

 

In any event, it's time to let go of this messy situation and figure out what you really want. It sounds to me like you were hoping this man would tell you to leave your "live-in roomie" and go and be with him. Is that correct?

[DenisePumpkins]

OP, I know you were invested. But he was not.

 

Again, can you really blame him? You're someone else's girlfriend. As such, getting emotionally invested in you is too risky.

 

In any event, it's time to let go of this messy situation and figure out what you really want. It sounds to me like you were hoping this man would tell you to leave your "live-in roomie" and go and be with him. Is that correct?

 

It would have been nice to hear that he cared instead of having to try and decode actions and words. I didn’t need a decree of forever love or a prod to leave my situation but if someone really wanted to make it work and wanted to let me in, I would think it would come up, yes. Also, he made the first few moves knowing my situation... not me. I’m just saying he jumped in fully knowing the deal. I’m wondering now how I could have said “Listen, I really like you but I can’t do anything until I’m officially free so wait for me then?” Would we have had a chance then? Not sure he would have waited for me - not like he was secretly planning to whisk me away even if I were single. Just saying that he didn’t seem to have an issue even when I brought it up and yes, it did occur to me given his hot/cold streaks and emotional unavailability that he wanted me to be in a situation so I COULD NOT want more. He mentioned a few times how he’d never get married ever again and honestly I’m not sure I’m the marrying type either. I really thought if I moved out and got a place we’d just continue our thing and hopes over time he’d open up emotionally to me. Guess that wasn’t in the cards and considering even after three years of knowing me, he just couldn’t go there with words. Also, I’m thinking it wasn’t necessarily my situation that made him not able to be emotionally available. Have a hunch that was there before me.

 

Still, we spent an enormous amount of time together - sometimes seeing each other everyday for the whole week. Add that up over three years and that is a lot of time he also “invested” to simply not give a damn or get “any” on a regular basis.

 

And getting over it sounds much easier than done. Wish it were that simple.

[SweetGirl28]

You might have had the longest running FWB relationship I have ever heard of.

 

You can try refocusing your thoughts and attempt to feel grateful for the memories,

and close the door on this. You will keep yourself from finding a more suitable partner otherwise.

[MissCanuck]

I agree with SweetGirl, this was much more FWB than anything else, OP.

 

No, he might not have wanted a relationship if you were single, granted. He doesn't appear ready or willing to go there. And yes, he knew you have a boyfriend - which in some ways, might also be why he decided to pursue some casual fun with you. There would be no strings attached, so it would be a "safer" emotional option for him. For whatever reason, he isn't interested in continuing that now. And I have to emphasize, it wasn't one silly text message that did it either.

 

I think you are looking for an escape from what appears to be a long-dead relationship. You would be wise to sort out your home life before you attempt dating others, or you're going to find yourself repeatedly burned like this. You're the ideal candidate in many ways for a man who wants sex and some company but not a serious commitment, since you can't offer the latter anyway. See what I mean?

[DenisePumpkins]

Yes, the above but I have to add a few things:

- I don’t want anything right now. I was not looking for this with Bill. We were friends for years first and always had a spark and since I had such a crush anyway I could not turn him down when he made his move. I don’t find many people attractive or get hooked often (maybe 2x in my 35 years) so for me, lightning doesn’t strike often.

- I can’t help but feel hosed. He led me on. If it was only FWB, why do all the romantic surprises with carriage rides and little gifts to show he was “thinking of me”?? At one point his job almost asked him to move to Florida and I said I’d miss him if he went and he told me back that maybe I could find a job out there too? Another time he asked if I’d ever been to Mexico because he was planning a vacation and I said to send me a postcard. He said why not just buy it yourself when you’re there w me? So yeah, I feel led on.

- I always thought FWB was more hang out and then be F buddies. No goodnight texts, no hand holding or romantic gestures. And really I always thought it was more a mutual understanding. I’m this situation Bill never told me where he was coming from, thus me never knowing

- he had to know how much I cared - no one is that blind. Another reason I feel led on. All the times I brought feelings up and he killed the convo? Just thought he had issues talking about that stuff in general so never pushed. Figured he showed his feelings for me in his affection and gestures and thoughtfulness.

- I wasn’t looking for an escape. I was looking to be wanted and have passion and be kissed and I had really liked him from the start so it just happened. Again, I’m not looking to hitch my wagon to anything but I obviously fell in love with him

- and if he was really using the texts as an excuse to never trust me again and I really was on my way out, so to speak, why take me on the most romantic night yet just two nights before?

- he’s said he considers us friends now. However, that is such a fallacy. Don’t friends grab a bite to eat together? Don’t friends text? How the hell are we friends?

- maybe when I apologized and showed how much I care he realized I was in too deep and he ended it... if true it is so cowardly I can’t stand it.

 

All the above are reasons I have a lot of trouble understanding what the eff happened and everyday I miss him it stings like the first time all over.

[SweetGirl28]

What he's said to you doesn't matter now.

 

No, you're not friends. You know why? Because you want more, and he doesn't want it again.

FWB can feel very much like a real committed relationship. However, when one catches feelings,

the other one has to bail.

 

If you continue to analyze everything, you will keep yourself stuck.

Bottom line, you need to accept his decision, the way he is, and move on.

I know it hurts, but holding out for a miracle here is wasting time.

[DenisePumpkins]

FWB can feel very much like a real committed relationship. However, when one catches feelings,

the other one has to bail.

 

So you’re thought is that it was not the break in trust from the texts but instead that I cared that much, which came out when I apologized?

 

Thanks for the insight.. I can’t help but shake that still I ruined the one thing that made me happy. All I can say is if I didn’t send those damn texts and I didn’t cry and say that I don’t want to lose him in my life, he’s still be here and this pathetic thread would not exist and I actually be enjoying the holiday season instead of thinking what he and I did to celebrate in years past.

[SweetGirl28]

So you’re thought is that it was not the break in trust from the texts but instead that I cared that much, which came out when I apologized?

 

Thanks for the insight.. I can’t help but shake that still I ruined the one thing that made me happy. All I can say is if I didn’t send those damn texts and I didn’t cry and say that I don’t want to lose him in my life, he’s still be here and this pathetic thread would not exist and I actually be enjoying the holiday season instead of thinking what he and I did to celebrate in years past.

 

He used the text as a reason to break it off.

The truth is he couldn't handle your feelings being involved.

Same happened to me. Had a FWB, I caught feelings, confessed, shortly after he broke it off,

citing the lamest excuse ever--- too busy with work. I knew it was just to soften the blow.

 

I'm really sorry it hurts you, I empathize with it.

However you cannot depend on another person for your happiness.

You were a person with a life prior to him, with your own good qualities and interests, and you still

are that person. The holidays make everything harder. Look forward to the New Year and set some

goals to achieve. You have to redirect your focus.

You didn't ruin it. He had a choice to make, and it's not a reflection of who you are.

You are right for someone-- he just didn't feel you were right for him at this time.

[MissCanuck]

OP, I think he is saying he considers you "friends" as way of saying he doesn't want any intimate interactions with you anymore. I don't think he actually means that you two will be buds that hang out. And really, it's better that way. This has become far too complicated.

 

It could also be that he has met someone else and didn't have the cojones to tell you, so he's using this as his exit strategy. Or maybe his ex-wife has been sniffing around him again.

 

The point is that this one single text didn't ruin it. This situation wasn't conducive to a relationship from the get-go and it met its expiration date.

[lark265]

It's impossible to actually "get" what you're going through just from an internet post.....but the tone of your original description of the relationship just sounds like you are attempting to justify his "arms-lengthness" with you. Like was said above, it seems he never really had the intention of monogamy with you. I admit i have done that - knowing someone really likes me and sort of using them for the companionship thing......not necessarily sex. Keep in touch.

[Jibralta]

I admit i have done that - knowing someone really likes me and sort of using them for the companionship thing......not necessarily sex.

 

Same. Though I hope no one has justified my behavior in the way that Denise is justifying Bill's behavior.

 

If I were in Bill's shoes and I'd gotten the message that Denise intended for her friend, it would have made me realize that I was leading Denise on more than I realized. For that reason, I would probably pull back--but I would be open about it and I wouldn't try to make Denise feel bad or at fault. I wouldn't tell her that I was disappointed in her, and that I wasn't sure if I could get over it. I probably would have reflected on

[shessofly]

I find it very hard to believe that someone who supposedly was so cut up from a cheating wife and had major trust issues would ever take someone who was cheating on their s/o seriously. Perhaps you were a convenient distraction, being someone who was unavailable, just as he was unavailable? Maybe it was a subconscious thing.

 

You say you're in an open relationship yet your bf doesn't know about bill. Is that one of your rules? Don't ask, don't tell? I've read so many posts on here about folks who are in dead relationships, start up affairs and still won't end them, but then have some real expectations of longevity, respect and/or commitment from the new love interest. How do you bring up "what are we" conversations when you aren't free to do anything about it? Unless the plan is to finally leave the relationship once you've secured a new bf...which isn't all that respectable I must say. Whose to say one day you wouldn't do this very thing to him?

 

In all that time he kept you secret, which is very telling, and you didn't know much about his real life...sorry I fail to see where this was ever going to go anywhere. Secrets, lies, hiding each other - not a recipe for a successful relationship and definitely not built to last.

 

I think you should quit the class so you can get over him and do some deep soul searching about why you are still, to this day, sitting in a house in a relationship that is doing nothing for you while pining after a man you can't have. I am sorry you are hurting, end what's left of the "relationship" by dropping the class and going full no contact, and then end (or work to repair, since you seem to be unable to end) the dead end at home so you can free yourself up to find someone who you can be committed to, and who can find you trustworthy and respectable. Again, I understand you are hurting, but this was not going to go the distance.

[DenisePumpkins]

Same. Though I hope no one has justified my behavior in the way that Denise is justifying Bill's behavior.

 

If I were in Bill's shoes and I'd gotten the message that Denise intended for her friend, it would have made me realize that I was leading Denise on more than I realized. For that reason, I would probably pull back--but I would be open about it and I wouldn't try to make Denise feel bad or at fault. I wouldn't tell her that I was disappointed in her, and that I wasn't sure if I could get over it. I probably would have reflected on

 

First off, I’m curious about the rest of your post that appears cut off at “reflected on...”

 

Secondly, that is what is killing me as I was not respected enough to be told anything other than it was all my fault? I still sit in bed and traffic and meetings and wish I could take those damn texts back because it’s the only reason he’s ever given me and I hate to think so poorly of someone I held in such high regard. In fact, it makes me sad to think poorly of him :(

[DenisePumpkins]

I find it very hard to believe that someone who supposedly was so cut up from a cheating wife and had major trust issues would ever take someone who was cheating on their s/o seriously. Perhaps you were a convenient distraction, being someone who was unavailable, just as he was unavailable? Maybe it was a subconscious thing.

 

You say you're in an open relationship yet your bf doesn't know about bill. Is that one of your rules? Don't ask, don't tell? I've read so many posts on here about folks who are in dead relationships, start up affairs and still won't end them, but then have some real expectations of longevity, respect and/or commitment from the new love interest. How do you bring up "what are we" conversations when you aren't free to do anything about it? Unless the plan is to finally leave the relationship once you've secured a new bf...which isn't all that respectable I must say. Whose to say one day you wouldn't do this very thing to him?.

 

There were so many times he pulled back for no reason and I always mirrored his actions to not pressure him BECAUSE I could not ask for more RIGHT NOW so this is very accurate. Every time I tried to address my situation he’d either shrug it off or would say that it’s best for me if I do leave for my own happiness - I knew he wasn’t actually asking so we could be together.

 

I’m not ready for marriage. I don’t want a huge commitment. But we did have a connection that does not happen often and honestly I always saw myself moving out and having my own place and Bill and I could still continue our time together. No rings, no china patterns... just shared fun, laughs and amazing passion. Problem is I never got to say this and now it’s all a mess.

 

I’ve been going to therapy and other than making me realize he’s someone with emotional unavailability issues who was all about the fun and non-commital and that I’m someone who is in a situation that I just need to grab by the horns and end it, I feel just as pathetic as when it first happened.

[DenisePumpkins]

An update: we had a former classmate unfortunately pass yesterday and because of the circumstances, I ended up seeing Bill. I was a bit shaken from our mutual friend’s passing and he immediately noticed and came over to comfort me. That led to us catching up and chatting for a half hour but obviously never talking about us. When we parted, he wished me a Merry Christmas and gave me a hug and it hit me at that moment that he didn’t seem like the same Bill I knew. I mean I loved the hug and it brought tears but knowing he blamed me for the whole thing when everyone thinks it was a cop out, it made me feel a little differently and TBH, I didn’t like it and don’t want to believe he would be so callous to make me foot the whole blame for our “situation’s” demise.

 

I guess I got caught up in emotions as well and I had been wanting to let him know I do miss it and him and our times together so I ended up just saying quickly how I hate how things are and I missed him to which he just stood there - stunned and then walked away and wished me a good rest of the day. Guessing he was stunned because I’ve just pretended to be okay with everything (as I rot inside) during all our joint class sessions in the past few months.

 

Must admit, it was nice to know he still cared enough to comfort me and catch up. I never expected a response from my admission but his pause made me think and I hope it made him too (instead of making him sorry he comforted me in the first place).

 

And I know our situation was not a real thing but for over three years it was the happiest I’ve been in all my life. I know he’s not relationship material and right now, neither am I but at the risk of sounding super pathetic, I just can’t seem to let him go as I fear I’ll never come that close to that much chemistry with anyone else again.

[SweetGirl28]

Oh Denise, TBH because you told him how you are feeling, don't be surprised if he retreats even more

when you see him again. Telling an emotionally unavailable man you miss him is scary to them because

they want to know you aren't needy and can move on from them.

 

In time, you will find someone else you connect with. I empathize with the chemistry part, it's hard for

me to truly connect also, but it takes time and several dates with others to get it. Nothing worthwhile

comes easy, right? However, as long as you hold onto the thoughts of him, there's no room for anyone

else to enter.

 

When you think back, you must realize somewhere in there was perhaps a false sense of attachment

to him. And what makes it hard is you are still blaming yourself. Don't. We can't control the actions

of others, or how they feel. We only can control our own, and how we choose to deal with everything.

 

Hang in there. NC and time. Don't beat yourself up over analyzing things.

The only part you should focus on is your own healing.

[Jibralta]

First off, I’m curious about the rest of your post that appears cut off at “reflected on...”

 

Sorry about that!

 

I would have reflected on my own behavior, and how I lead the other person on. Then I would be careful not to do it in the future. I would even carry on with the friendship, if the other person was willing. I certainly wouldn't reject the other person outright.

 

Secondly, that is what is killing me as I was not respected enough to be told anything other than it was all my fault? I still sit in bed and traffic and meetings and wish I could take those damn texts back because it’s the only reason he’s ever given me and I hate to think so poorly of someone I held in such high regard. In fact, it makes me sad to think poorly of him :(

 

Well, I'm sorry that you feel that way, and I understand why you are hurt. I even understand the tendency to blame yourself for what happened, but honestly those texts should have been insignificant. Embarrassing at most, but not damning. And I see that it makes you feel bad to think badly of him. That's not uncommon, actually. If you look around this forum, you will see people doing it left and right. Hopefully, in time, you will see him clearly for what he is, and be ok with it.

[DenisePumpkins]

Just an update: so between the holiday and New Years we’ve seen each other twice and Bill and I actually cooked together again after class this past week and we chatted and caught up a bit but there was nothing from him to discuss us or the past or anything other than catching up really. It was nice sure but it’s so hard to just be whatever we are now. He ended up hugging me and wishing me a Merry Christmas after we cooked and caught up and then a few days later on a Christmas he texted me specifically to again wish me a Merry Christmas. Last night I attended class again and we spoke a bit but he just has seemingly taken all the things we used to joke about when things were good (our personal jokes) and erased them from memory. It’s like he really has just removed me and our last three and a half years from his memory and I am now playing the role of friend that he can only see during cooking class and that’s it. I know this because someone said something we used to laugh about (it was dirty) and I giggled and he had no response. Still, he came over after class to hug me and wish me a happy new year and off we went on our separate ways...

 

It is killing me. I’m trying to be friends. I REALLY want to tell him some stuff about how I wasn’t looking for a forever but didn’t want a goodbye... and that because I never knew where I stood, it ended up fueling those texts... and after all the times I was there for him over he years and always gave him the benefit of the doubt, how can he not do the same for me? I don’t know how to forgive myself for ruining it. I’m not saying just the texts but it was the trigger that screwed it all up. I mean to be on a romantic carriage ride two days before and then basically become dead to someone after he sees a convo meant for my friend, it is literally just killing me that I never had a chance to try to explain and that when I tried, he really shut me off and shrugged me away.

 

:(

[MissCanuck]

You can't be friends with him right now, OP. You can see that it's too painful for you.

 

Again, you are underestimating the importance of your own relationship status. As someone else's girlfriend, most men are not going to continue to invest in you. There is no reason for them to open themselves up to you when you aren't single. Please do remember this when you feel he wronged you. You have a lot more responsibility in this situation than you recognize, and you have a lot more power to lift yourself out of this than you know.

[DenisePumpkins]

I don’t necessarily feel he wronged me. I wronged him and that is why I can’t move on. I hurt someone I really came to love. As a result, he now put me in a box of trash with all our memories and that hurts so much I don’t know how to get past it.

[DenisePumpkins]

Just had to share as I don’t have anyone to share with....

 

I can’t help but shake how dumb I feel for thinking he actually cared. I always thought that “well, he’s been with you for over three years and is so pleasing in bed and with little gestures that he MUST care and he just can’t show it with words” but now I feel just dumb and blind.

 

All I know is he’s emotionally unavailable and I triggered something for him to not trust me anymore. Then, to make it worse, I had to pathetically tell him how much he means to me to finish myself off.

 

Now the problem I’m having is that if I cared for anyone and they hurt me or triggered some past hurt, I’d likely weigh it against their overall character and think it was just a misstep. It wouldn’t change my opinion of them FOREVER and make me unattracted to them TILL THE END OF TIME. I mean I’d just sit next to Bill in a restaurant for 2 minutes and he would not be able to get up and walk away.. if you know what I mean. How does that all go away in a few texts and by showing someone you care? I didn’t tell him I loved him - never said the L word EVER in all the years knowing him.

 

It just tells me I wasn’t enough and he didn’t want to keep me in his life enough. And I just keep playing the scene over and over about how he said I disappointed him, how he can not look at me the same and how he can’t believe I’d speak that way about him to a friend. Between that and the radio silence and avoidance at cooking class that followed (until recently when we cooked together and hugged happy holidays) I can’t help but keep dissecting each piece of the puzzle. I think back to a year ago as the only time he ever admitted he has emotional “issues” by saying he was “effed up” and “needed to sometimes slow things down” as the evidence I need to try and understand how I could have broken the whole thing.

 

And to address my situation as MissCanuck mentions.... he knew full well my situation as he came onto me, asked me out, kissed and texted me up. If I tried to bring up my situation he’d just dodge it. In fact, only right before it ended he told me to leave but I knew it wasn’t because he wanted me all to himself. It was to make my life better and that’s how he meant it. And for what it’s worth, I’m ending my situation because he truly is a good man (we just never had any chemistry) and deserves to be happy and free too.

 

I know he still cares as evidenced by the hugs and support at the friends funeral and the holiday texts. But I know he’s keeping me at bay - never laughing at our old jokes or flirting in any way - to maintain the distance he’s created. So here I sit and ponder how I feel like I tried so hard when he made the seemingly simple choice to keep me only as a friend and end any intimacy. The laughs, the jokes, the flirting, kissing, sex, cooking, shows, movies... I know I didn’t imagine the connection and that he did in fact care to the extent that he can (maybe?). Ugh...

 

Still, I wasn’t good enough and I feel pathetic.

(Rant over)

[SweetGirl28]

He did care about you, and in his own demented way, he still does.

It worked for him because you weren't available for commitment, and he wasn't looking for commitment.

You need to find a way to overcome blaming yourself for the text. What he did was get scared and pull

back and end what you had because you fell for him. That didn't fit his plans.

 

He hasn't walked away completely because there's a part of him that has a motive to not cut you

off completely. It isn't sexual or for an ego boost because he stopped the flirting and sex.

You can sit and wonder all day, and replay everything in your mind, but only he holds the truth.

What you had together is over, that relationship is dead.

 

You have to be grateful that he's above using you. He may be acting the way he is because he doesn't

want you to be attached and would feel guilty knowing you have feelings that would only grow deeper, while

he doesn't feel he can return those feelings to you.

Better than my recent ex who offers FWB and uses different numbers to get me when I block him.

That's not a man with a conscience, ughhhhh........ Anyway, if you drop the cooking class, do you feel you

would ever have contact again? If not, it's best to leave that class and attempt to leave this in the past.

It's impossible to heal while still having contact when your feelings are unresolved. And you want him so badly

because he is fighting it. What if he wanted you back? Would you still want him as badly? This man, nor any man,

should be your source of happiness. That comes from within. You may feel the pain will lift if you could be together,

but honestly it's a temporary fix that would leave you still feeling insecure.

[DenisePumpkins]

He did care about you, and in his own demented way, he still does.

It worked for him because you weren't available for commitment, and he wasn't looking for commitment.

You need to find a way to overcome blaming yourself for the text. What he did was get scared and pull

back and end what you had because you fell for him. That didn't fit his plans.

 

He hasn't walked away completely because there's a part of him that has a motive to not cut you

off completely. It isn't sexual or for an ego boost because he stopped the flirting and sex.

You can sit and wonder all day, and replay everything in your mind, but only he holds the truth.

What you had together is over, that relationship is dead.

 

You have to be grateful that he's above using you. He may be acting the way he is because he doesn't

want you to be attached and would feel guilty knowing you have feelings that would only grow deeper, while

he doesn't feel he can return those feelings to you.

Better than my recent ex who offers FWB and uses different numbers to get me when I block him.

That's not a man with a conscience, ughhhhh........ Anyway, if you drop the cooking class, do you feel you

would ever have contact again? If not, it's best to leave that class and attempt to leave this in the past.

It's impossible to heal while still having contact when your feelings are unresolved. And you want him so badly

because he is fighting it. What if he wanted you back? Would you still want him as badly? This man, nor any man,

should be your source of happiness. That comes from within. You may feel the pain will lift if you could be together,

but honestly it's a temporary fix that would leave you still feeling insecure.

 

Wow.. what a heartfelt and well thought out response. First off - thank you. I’m sorry for your situation as well. It’s not easy to have such a bond but not be a real thing.

 

Secondly, to read that it is dead and over just made me lose it so bad. It actually hurts in my heart with physical pain to read it. I just can’t accept it because of the lack of logic/facts and because if I had not been loopy and sad and pathetic that night, I wouldn’t have sent those texts that triggered the end. That’s why I blame myself. It should not have ended this way and by my hand dammit!

 

If I quit the class, we’d have no contact. I realize this means I control it but I don’t have the means to not go. I have to see him - even if it’s just to laugh together even if it kills me later..

 

He made me get excited about life again, allowed me to feel sexy for the first time in my life and we really did have a blast whatever activity we shared. I guess I just feel that if he really cared, he wouldn’t have let me go.

 

And a part of me thinks he is going through something as his son has been giving him issues and he posted some very personal photos on instagram - very out of character for him.

 

Can’t help but think if he meets someone else, maybe he’ll like them enough to have or be something real and I feel like it’s at my expense. Or maybe, if he’s ever ready for a real thing, he’ll realize we were something pretty great and come back :(

[SweetGirl28]

Wow.. what a heartfelt and well thought out response. First off - thank you.

 

Secondly, to read that it is dead and over just made me lose it so bad. I just can’t accept it because of the lack of logic/facts and because if I had not been loopy and sad and pathetic that night, I wouldn’t have sent those texts that triggered the end. That’s why I blame myself. It should not have ended this way and by my hand dammit!

 

He made me get excited about life again, allowed me to feel sexy for the first time in my life and we really did have a blast whatever activity we shared. I guess I just feel that if he really cared, he would have let me go.

 

And a part of me thinks he is going through something as his son has been giving him issues and he posted some very personal photos on instagram - very out of character for him.

 

Can’t help but think if he meets someone else, maybe he’ll like them enough to have or be something real and I feel like it’s at my expense. Or maybe, if he’s ever ready for a real thing, he’ll realize we were something pretty great and come back :(

 

What I meant by dead and over is that it's in the past. And it didn't work anymore, so you

want that to be dead. I don't mean to sound harsh, my motive is not to cause you pain.

Any relationship that does not work needs a new, fresh start with new memories. That means

letting go of the past issues . You must forgive yourself. I self blamed too, most of us do. Its a normal part of the

healing process. Your text did not make him so upset that he ended things. It scared him because you had deep

feelings. That's it. He's non committal. Be it that he wouldn't commit to you, or won't commit to anyone, it

doesn't matter. All you need to know is that you deserve better, and having him in your life without commitment

would eventually be a dead end road for you.

 

I understand completely how he made you feel. what you need to focus on is how he makes you feel now.

And that feeling isn't good at all. Hold onto this pain to push you through. Let the negative be your fuel to

push beyond. Because when you do, you will be open to finding another man, who will commit, and who

will make you feel sexy, beautiful, excited, full of life, and give hope for the future. Until you let go of your own

issues with your confidence and self esteem, and learn to love and forgive yourself, you will stay closed off.

 

And listen to me here, because this is pretty much fail proof--- once you move on, and let go of hope,

the ex reappears full force. By that point, you will find you are well on your way to healing and won't be

likely to entertain the thought of getting back together.

 

You cannot make him feel anything he doesn't, nor give you what you desire.

It has to come from within him. And FWB, which is what you had, is not likely to rekindle.

If he were to ever feel anything more, it would have been a long time ago.

You were with someone also, which (and I'm not blaming you, I understand, believe me) causes doubts

about your own ability(in his eyes) to be committed and monogamous. You can know and justify to yourself all day

long why you stepped out of your living arrangement, but all he will remember is the fact that you did.

We as women are more understanding of stepping out than men are(not that I agree that is good, because it's not).We can relate to the intimacy being absent and seeking that comfort in the arms of someone else. Because why? We are emotional creatures, we need the bonding. Men, they want sex, but it's just a physical act, for most. For us, we bond, we catch feelings, we think we are in love, we do fall in love, we feel safe, secure, content, protected.

 

Love yourself. Be able to be okay on your own, feel secure enough to not need a man to complete you.

When you can do this, you will find yourself making better choices that will provide you long term benefits,

as opposed to hoping something non comittal develops into something more.

 

I'm alone, and I'm perfectly okay. I struggled for months with guilt, sadness, anger, etc.

Now my eyes are open, I'm careful who I give time to, and I'm holding out for what I feel is right.

Haven't found it yet, and that's okay. I'd love to see you get to this point to. I'm not telling you to

completely cut this man out, because honestly I feel it will set you into a panic and cause you

extreme anxiety. Just try to have LC, let him initiate, and maybe you can be friends later.

I would love to see you go complete NC, but I know you won't, so just vent here and find some strength from

us, who are really trying to help you see this isn t right for you.

[DenisePumpkins]

What I meant by dead and over is that it's in the past. And it didn't work anymore, so you

want that to be dead. I don't mean to sound harsh, my motive is not to cause you pain.

Any relationship that does not work needs a new, fresh start with new memories. That means

letting go of the past issues . You must forgive yourself. I self blamed too, most of us do. Its a normal part of the

healing process. Your text did not make him so upset that he ended things. It scared him because you had deep

feelings. That's it. He's non committal. Be it that he wouldn't commit to you, or won't commit to anyone, it

doesn't matter. All you need to know is that you deserve better, and having him in your life without commitment

would eventually be a dead end road for you.

 

I understand completely how he made you feel. what you need to focus on is how he makes you feel now.

And that feeling isn't good at all. Hold onto this pain to push you through. Let the negative be your fuel to

push beyond. Because when you do, you will be open to finding another man, who will commit, and who

will make you feel sexy, beautiful, excited, full of life, and give hope for the future. Until you let go of your own

issues with your confidence and self esteem, and learn to love and forgive yourself, you will stay closed off.

 

And listen to me here, because this is pretty much fail proof--- once you move on, and let go of hope,

the ex reappears full force. By that point, you will find you are well on your way to healing and won't be

likely to entertain the thought of getting back together.

 

You cannot make him feel anything he doesn't, nor give you what you desire.

It has to come from within him. And FWB, which is what you had, is not likely to rekindle.

If he were to ever feel anything more, it would have been a long time ago.

You were with someone also, which (and I'm not blaming you, I understand, believe me) causes doubts

about your own ability(in his eyes) to be committed and monogamous. You can know and justify to yourself all day

long why you stepped out of your living arrangement, but all he will remember is the fact that you did.

We as women are more understanding of stepping out than men are(not that I agree that is good, because it's not).We can relate to the intimacy being absent and seeking that comfort in the arms of someone else. Because why? We are emotional creatures, we need the bonding. Men, they want sex, but it's just a physical act, for most. For us, we bond, we catch feelings, we think we are in love, we do fall in love, we feel safe, secure, content, protected.

 

Love yourself. Be able to be okay on your own, feel secure enough to not need a man to complete you.

When you can do this, you will find yourself making better choices that will provide you long term benefits,

as opposed to hoping something non comittal develops into something more.

 

I'm alone, and I'm perfectly okay. I struggled for months with guilt, sadness, anger, etc.

Now my eyes are open, I'm careful who I give time to, and I'm holding out for what I feel is right.

Haven't found it yet, and that's okay. I'd love to see you get to this point to. I'm not telling you to

completely cut this man out, because honestly I feel it will set you into a panic and cause you

extreme anxiety. Just try to have LC, let him initiate, and maybe you can be friends later.

I would love to see you go complete NC, but I know you won't, so just vent here and find some strength from

us, who are really trying to help you see this isn t right for you.

 

I’m so glad to hear you’re in a better place. No one deserves to feel this way. Ever.

 

You say if he had any real feelings it would have been in the past and I feel like if that’s true, I’m not sure how I could have left my situation when this first started and try something w Bill. I keep thinking how could I have made it work??! He liked me.. I wasn’t available... he may have wanted it that way because he doesn’t want anything real so either way I feel duped and screwed from the start.

 

And if he didn’t want anything, I feel like why take me on such a romantic carriage ride and hold a hands and tell me that his friend that I was supposed to meet a few times, really wanted to meet me? He obviously told his bestie about me and I had already met a few other of his friends so I was thinking it was growing into what I had always hoped for. Plan was to leave my situation for good and see what happened to our casual arrangement.

 

I know he wasn’t in it for he sex at all. There were times I’d really want to and he’d say let’s do it right and plan a thing in the coming weeks. But we’d kiss and he was into hand holding and sitting in the park and talking so I knew there was more there. Guess I thought that meant he wasn’t using me but I suppose it could have been because he wanted attention and affection and missed having a woman in his life.

 

Thanks so much for the support. I can tell you that the therapist I’ve been seeing echo’s your sentiments quite closely. He ran from emotion and it was too much, etc. I really think it takes going through something (or having a degree in it) to get what it’s like and what could be happening.

 

And you are so right. I don’t think the FWB would be the right thing to do now and I think that’s partly why he’s keeping me at bay - I know he still cares. I think he thinks if we were to hang out outside of class, it could easily go back. And we’ve been laughing our butts off at cooking class lately as I’ve always as a knack of cracking him up and I know I still can.

 

It just hurt so much to have him be so mean in the weeks following. To hear him say we could never go back to what we were, 6 weeks after the fact, hurt like hell and still does. Not sure why I had to bring it up when he owed me an answer. I just hope that if we can have anything in he future, it’s real and I’d get called the GF and could finally be introduced as something other than a “friend” have to admit it was very awkward to attend his professional events (in full ball gown and done up to the max) as just a friend.. who were we fooling!?

 

Thank you again and hugs to you and everyone else going through this hell.