Help... input appreciated and devastated

[SweetGirl28]

He enjoyed you, and your company. He did care, he wasn't pretending nor just passing time with you.

That's proven by the fact this lasted for three years without commitment. It was a friendship though,

and one that you got benefits from also. Don't feel stupid nor used nor mad because honestly he never

promised you a future. And he cares now, it's just not in the capacity that you need and want it to be.

And that's okay. Once you accept this, you can find healthy ways to cope. I know it seems like this pain

and longing desire for him will never subside, but it will. It needs time. And believe me, when a man

tells you he can't give you what you want, nor be what you need, he means it.

Women say that and change their minds 50 times, but men...they are steadfast in this.

Not putting a label on a relationship, not moving forward after a period of time, not wanting to be

committed, all red flags of a relationship that will eventually end up in stagnation.

Then it's up to the people involved to stay or leave. I know couples that stay this way just to not be alone,

and they are too lazy to get back out and start over, so they settle. Why cheat yourself ? We all only get

one life, don't waste precious time beating yourself up over this.

[DenisePumpkins]

Yup. Stagnation.. I’m in that now with my own situation. It sucks and I will make it right in the coming months.

 

And I often wonder why his wife would cheat on such a fun and amazing man and I think now that maybe she wasn’t getting the emotional connection either?

 

I think the fact alone that he said he can never see me the same just killed me inside. And the fact he blamed it all on the texts make me feel horrible (as I’ve stated over a million times, I know) because he either lied or really did have some crazy trust issues. Or both :(

 

I have to think a man might change his mind?

[SweetGirl28]

Yup. Stagnation.. I’m in that now with my own situation. It sucks and I will make it right in the coming months.

 

And I often wonder why his wife would cheat on such a fun and amazing man and I think now that maybe she wasn’t getting the emotional connection either?

 

I think the fact alone that he said he can never see me the same just killed me inside. And the fact he blamed it all on the texts make me feel horrible (as I’ve stated over a million times, I know) because he either lied or really did have some crazy trust issues. Or both :(

 

I have to think a man might change his mind?

 

He blamed it on you because it was the easy way to end it.

What was he going to say? I have to end this because you have deep feelings and I don't feel

the same for you? He wasn't going to own any responsibility for it. I'm not saying he's a bad

man, he just isn't right for a real relationship for you. Friends? Yes. BF/future hubby/cohabitator? No

 

He won't change his mind. FWB seldom grows into anything more.

Plus, it's been a while. No flirting, no sex, complete disconnect practically.

[DenisePumpkins]

I guess because he never told me what we were I now feel like he had to know how much I cared and that to me is stringing someone along. And because he could not tell me the truth about why, blaming it on me, thus making me go NUTS killing myself, I’m just hurt beyond measure.

 

In the meantime, I’m going to end my situation and hope that in time and maybe after he realizes that we really do get along and had major chemistry, we may have a chance at something real. Not going to build a shrine of him at my place but instead going to work on me and get my career advanced and getting into serious shape. I don’t really want a FWB again and have to be guessing what this text means or why he cared so much on Saturday but on Sunday left and didn’t tell me why he couldn’t go and eat with me. However, I’m someone who knows that bonds like we had DO NOT happen often (he had admitted similarly) and I hope he realizes that at some point.

 

Thank you again for your wise words and encouragement. For now, I just can’t imagine never kissing him ever again.

[DenisePumpkins]

And I’m confused... emotionally unavailable does not equal not being into someone enough so I feel a bit ignorant to the fact of wondering what is the difference? As I understand it, an emotionally unavailable person can’t be vulnerable to anyone or connect emotionally no matter how much they like them. Alternatively, if someone is not into you that much, it’s obviously the person they are not that into. Does that about sum it up?

[OverThinker21]

I have no advice, but this literally breaks my heart.

 

I hope it gets better with time.

[SweetGirl28]

And I’m confused... emotionally unavailable does not equal not being into someone enough so I feel a bit ignorant to the fact of wondering what is the difference? As I understand it, an emotionally unavailable person can’t be vulnerable to anyone or connect emotionally no matter how much they like them. Alternatively, if someone is not into you that much, it’s obviously the person they are not that into. Does that about sum it up?

 

A FWB situation is perfect for a man who is emotionally unavailable.

They don't require commitment, labels, living together, nor talk of a future.

It's a great set up for fun, enjoying the others company, and the added benefit of sex minus the issues that

go along with being in a real relationship. They care, but they don't need to invest.

 

When someone is not into you, they will not meet up, call, text, etc. after realizing they aren't seeing you

as a good partner for them. So they begin to fade off and/or break up,using whatever reason they can to

be free, so as to find the person they do see spending their lives with, or a least a distant future with.

 

Your guy, he cared. He liked the arrangement. He is not emotionally available, but he was into you.

He's just not looking for anything permanent. He would not have lasted three years in the situation otherwise.

[DenisePumpkins]

And that is exactly why I cannot let go... because I know he was into me... I was into him and it was amazing. Life is short - when we meet someone and have that much fun together and are that attracted to each other, I think you hold onto that and nurture it and not throw it away. Now I get he didn’t want anything serious but I’m hoping that someday, if he deals with his unavailability and wants something real, he’ll realize this very thing and how rare it is to have that. And as mentioned above, I’d think it would happen right when I start letting go (should that day ever happen).

[SweetGirl28]

And that is exactly why I cannot let go... because I know he was into me... I was into him and it was amazing. Life is short - when we meet someone and have that much fun together and are that attracted to each other, I think you hold onto that and nurture it and not throw it away. Now I get he didn’t want anything serious but I’m hoping that someday, if he deals with his unavailability and wants something real, he’ll realize this very thing and how rare it is to have that. And as mentioned above, I’d think it would happen right when I start letting go (should that day ever happen).

 

I 100% get this. It was the same with my recent ex. Instant chemistry, comfort, we just clicked.

It was the most amazing, natural, unforced ability to be together that I have ever experienced.

I felt like I knew him already before we met.

 

However....... Not available. Just divorced, still angry at the ex of 17 years, huge trust issues.

He was so open, affectionate, caring, fun...but still his guard was up.

These men make outstanding friends, even sex partners if that's all you want, but waiting around

for them can be a lifetime. Plus the older they are, the less likely change will occur.

 

I'm letting go, as much as I want a friendship with him because we truly click, I can't.

I don't want to be sitting in the friend zone and he dates another woman and then I

run the risk of him fading off, so I just pull back and disappear. It's the only way.

I think you'll find if you let this continue, you'll be setting yourself further back when you

find out he's with someone. Do you really want to cause yourself that unnecessary pain?

 

If my ex wasn't trying to get me as a FWB I would have left the communication open.

You've sometimes got to look at what they are saying and presenting to you.

Look at the actions, listen to their words. They are pretty honest, and they can't be found at

fault if we agree and settle for what they want.

 

In your case, he pulled away the flirting, the sex, and even the friendship for a time.

He's already hurt you. You want him to change, but he won't do that for you.

He won't become what you need. If you think hanging around and seeing him will change

his mind, it's not likely. The best way to gain reinterest is by disappearing.

 

Yet still, that huge white elephant remains----you will be crushed to hear he's with someone.

Let go, or be prepared that you will be in this friend zone(which isn't what it used to be)

and will be settling for little bits and pieces of his time and attention. That's precisely what

friends are. No demands nor expectations. So it might be you only see him at cooking class.

Maybe you'll meet up for lunch once in a while. Is this what you really want?

 

The connection is rare, but it can be found in someone else if you are patient and look.

I haven't found it again, but I'm confident I will. Patience. Time and patience :)

[DenisePumpkins]

You just described Bill exactly. Was separated from the cheating ex months before we started up and his marriage had been a 14 year long ride. I know he still holds so much anger from it because every story ever brought up, which he hardly did, but when he did it was always about how she did him wrong, how he’ll never marry again or how sorry he was to ever meet her. I would just listen and be supportive and never ask anything as it wasn’t my business but always wondered the details as I only got bits and pieces. Crazy how the scenarios seem so alike. Plus Bill is 45 so pretty set in ways in an understatement. Therapist said ex prob didn’t cause it but was a childhood developed thing instead so his unavailability seems deeply ingrained.

 

I totally get your point about waiting and seeing him date but he’s so private he’s never tell me nor does he post anything on social about that kind of thing. It’s so private it’s boarderline shady. So I’m sure he’ll start “hanging out” with someone else if he isn’t already but he can’t possible pull back anymore from me and I’d prob not find out anyway.

 

Also, what I don’t get is how do they keep finding relationships? I always think how many women would go through what I went through for over three years and never say anything? Never ask what the deal was. Never want a label? Never get mad because he can’t plan more than a few hours before meeting up? I put up with it because of my existing situation so I COULD NOT ask for more but if I had been truly single, you bet your ass I would have wanted to know. I guess I just think they’ll fall into the same trap and it will eventually crap out as well as he doesn’t seem likely to make a 180.

 

It’s not man bashing as an intent but I don’t understand how men in their late 30s and 40s and even older can have such emotional unavailability and be so afraid to be vulnerable and/or share themselves. Cripes, we women get used and trampled all the time yet I feel like most of us still want to trust and be open. Sorry, just ranting at this point.

[DenisePumpkins]

Ok so saw him the other night... he asked me to stay after class and make our favorite dish together.. he tossed some flour at me and was joking around and quite flirty to be honest. Then he tells me as we’re leaving that he’s thinking of going back and taking another class in the offerings this week. I took that as “why else would he tell me unless he wanted me to go too?” So I told him to let me know. Needless to say, I didn’t hear from him

 

I just don’t get it. He “wants to be friends” and can still flirt with me but then still craps out?

 

I know I need to quit that cooking program but it’s so hard to let go. However, whether he means it or not, he’s still breaking my heart. At this point, I’m not sure how much more it can take and keep beating.

[SweetGirl28]

Ok so saw him the other night... he asked me to stay after class and make our favorite dish together.. he tossed some flour at me and was joking around and quite flirty to be honest. Then he tells me as we’re leaving that he’s thinking of going back and taking another class in the offerings this week. I took that as “why else would he tell me unless he wanted me to go too?” So I told him to let me know. Needless to say, I didn’t hear from him

 

I just don’t get it. He “wants to be friends” and can still flirt with me but then still craps out?

 

I know I need to quit that cooking program but it’s so hard to let go. However, whether he means it or not, he’s still breaking my heart. At this point, I’m not sure how much more it can take and keep beating.

 

Yes, quit it! How will you move on, when you still see him?

And you don't even get him in the capacity you would like to.

Maybe you can find comfort in the fact that he most likely will enter another relationship

and keep emotionally detached from it as well. Some men get so jaded it wrecks them for life.

[DenisePumpkins]

Yes, I’m trying to find solace in the fact that 1) everyone said it could not have been just the texts 2) that if he really cared he would not have left just because of the texts and 3) that his little miss new won’t be his little miss forever... however.

 

I did a little digging on instacrap and facechat and saw that he has reconnected with an old friend of his some 14 years his junior. She lives in Dallas, which as you know is quite a haul from Houston. He’s already been to a few of her events (I guess she’s heavily involved in local politics and has quite a bit of them) and she came to Houston to his birthday party a few months ago and just weeks after our break (yes I saw the photo evidence). It looks like this started a few weeks after my stupid texts as well so no time wasted for sure. The only thing? I feel like I drove him into her arms.

 

Yes it’s long distance. Yes I get that emotionally unavails want SOME barrier but what if he really thinks this could be it? I mean he’s free from his divorce (it was official in June) and she’s single and 31 so maybe it’s what he was waiting for?

 

Why do I say this? Because I feel like he was with me while his divorce was still going on maybe in hopes that I would leave (as I never expected him to tell me to leave) my relationship - kind of like “we are in the same boat kind of thing” and we’re kind of “stuck with others we don’t want but instead want each other” together. Then I went and did that stupid texting and he thought “hell, I never trusted her anyway and now my divorce is final so I can have something real” He prob figures I’ll never leave and he could try for a real thing with someone 14 years younger.

 

Either way, I need to somehow let the guilt go because between me not leaving earlier and ruining my chances of being with him and then sending those stupid words in text, I can’t escape the ever-growing hole in my heart that I could have avoided this heartbreak.

 

OR... was he always emotionally unavailable... and will still be emotionally unavailable?

 

Ugh, I miss the old me. :(

[SweetGirl28]

((((Hugs)))) I'm sorry :(

 

Don't hurt yourself with digging into social media, it only reopens the wound.

[Morello]

I guess when people are really into you it takes a huge screw up to scare them away. Yes, if you had not sent the texts maybe he would've stayed but eventually you'd make a mistake (cause we all do) or say something wrong and he'd use that as a reason to leave, if he's not emotionally available.

 

Obviously, you could've done everything right and kept him, or not, you'll never know that. Don't be too hard on yourself.

 

A had an ex of mine break up over a very silly thing, small fight. It was barely an argument. On the other hand, I had put up with her bad mood in many times (leading to small arguments that she started) and never saw it as a big enough reason to break up. When the other person is not really committed, anything becomes a reason to back off and doubt everything.

 

Just see this as if it wasn't meant to be.

[DenisePumpkins]

Thanks guys.. I appreciate it.

 

So it’s back to the therapist I go. I hate who I’ve become. All my friends won’t even text me back because there is nothing else to say. They all agree I deserve better than the 3+ years of hot and cold and mixed signals and constant lateness but I remember the sweet talks and park walks, forehead kisses and holding hands and all the late night spent cooking and dancing around together.

 

I feel like I was his buffer from his marriage and I prepped him for her. It’s so unfair that he won’t talk about it and that I can’t ask so I’ll go on forever wondering if I truely screwed up the one relationship that I ever actually had hope for.

 

And on another side, I feel slightly used. When words got heated at the end he hinted that we were just for “fun” and that my existing relationship was my own thing I had to deal with. Now I don’t know if he said that to be mean or if he really meant it but considering he never told me what we were from the start and was just always lovey and romantic, can you blame me for feeling a tad led on?

[SweetGirl28]

I'm gonna be brutally honest, please know it comes from a place of empathy and concern,

since I've been following you through this journey. I don't want to inflict any further pain upon you.

 

You were not led on. You were an agreeable part of this dynamic. You chose to get involved, you chose to

stay, you chose to have a sexual relationship, you chose to accept the fact that he was still married, (you

were not single either) . You chose to let it continue even after he never would define what you were to him.

 

It's hard when you get wrapped up in someone emotionally, to see what's really going on within the relationship.

Thinking with a clear head is not always possible because strong emotions are involved, and when you love

someone, it's easy to justify actions and behaviors that might normally make you question the dynamics.

 

If you truly were "just for fun", there is absolutely no possible way that he would have stuck around you for

three years. Obviously this man had a connection with you, was attracted, and you maintained it for a long

time. Was it because neither of you were totally available? It's possible. Did he end it because he's now divorced,

and feels free and emotionally ready to pursue someone else? Doubtful.

 

I've said this before, he realized you wanted more, and were deeply emotionally involved, and he didn't want

to return those feelings to you. Look at it this way, you loved him . You gave all of yourself, to a high capacity,

I think. So there wasn't any more you could have done nor said that would have changed anything. If you

were your best self, that's all you could be. It was convenient for him that you were technically not available.

Some men find great comfort in that who aren't ready to be open and aren't thinking about settling down again

In the future.

 

You didn't prep him for anyone else. You just happened to be the person who stayed with him thru his separation

and divorce. Would it be different if you met now, assuming he's in a different place emotionally?

It's possible, but unfortunately you can't undo the past. You may have already gone past your expiration date

on being a part of his life. I know it hurts, but it's a positive thing that he was honest with you . He could have

been very selfish and let things continue, knowing he couldn't fully invest and give you what you want.

 

He may commit to someone, or he may not. You might see he's getting remarried, or you might find he

remains a bachelor for the rest of his life. The focus needs to turn to you now. You have to allow yourself

to heal, know what you want, and seek it out. You deserve better than to be any man's friend with the added

benefits of a sexual relationship. Find male friends to spend time with, platonically, and seek out a man who

is looking for commitment. Have faith in yourself. You want love, commitment, excitement, romance, a solid

and stable future.Keep the good memories, value the time he shared with you, and although

no one replaces a lost love, someone can be just as great, if not better.

 

I'm truly sorry you hurt. Therapy is a good start, and venting here hopefully helps you.

Even though I seem to be very mean right now, lol! I do hope you heal soon and find everlasting love :love-struck:

[SweetGirl28]

I have no idea why, when I type, my sentences break up like that after I post, lol.

They are perfectly normal before I hit reply :)

[DenisePumpkins]

Thanks Sweetgirl. I know you know the pain and it’s all encompassing. At 35 years old, I never thought I’d fall so hard and be so upset by something like this that apparently wasn’t even real (but very real to me)

 

And you’re not being mean. Not at all. I am so thankful for your insight.

 

I’m not calling it hope but it is an observation. The fact that he can still flirt w me and I can make him crack up and we can laugh like the old days shows me there is still something there. I know in my past, if I ended something and meant it, I would not engage in those activities anymore.

 

Also, it just seems odd that he would reconnect with an old friend so quickly after the crap hit the fan w us. 2 weeks and they were seen together and she lives that far away? Seems to me he didn’t waste any time. And it might be important to mention that before me, when his divorce had just started, he was talking to another girl in cooking class until one day she just disappeared and a few weeks later, he asked me to grab some dinner afterwards with the rest being history. So I’m stuck between this being his MO (jumping from friend to friend due to trust issues), him using my texts as an excuse to be with her because it started before we ended or him ending w me and then maybe realizing he wants something real for the first time since his marriage was good.

 

All roads point to a screwed up Denise who did give her everything to make him happy. He knew how much I cared all along so it’s tough to think it was just at the end he realized it.

[SweetGirl28]

Aww, yeah. I see it. That is his MO.

 

He had to end it with you, but needed to replace you, which is typical of a man who needs someone

yet doesn't want the full commitment. The one who disappeared from cooking class probably did so

on her accord, because he was not yet divorced.

 

Don't be so hard on yourself, you wanted to trust and you felt the connection, and had hopes of it

turning into more. It does happen even when two people are involved with others, although I am certain

you've learned to be very cautious from this point on about becoming involved with men who aren't readily

available.

 

Just a side note to you, be careful of his flirting. My recent ex was doing the same, only to try and turn me

into his FWB, which would have crashed and burned, most likely after a couple of times.

He has trust issues that span an entire state, plus some, lol. I did the same as you, met, he wasn't yet

divorced, and while I was with him the divorce finalized. He claimed they had a dead marriage for 5 years

prior, and I know he dated others while married. The connection was immediate, and intense, and it was

great until his insecurities took over. I had to block him after him going dead silent on me and being a jerk

for almost three months, only to contact me again. But not to reconcile. Just sexual. No way was I getting

involved again. I'm certain he's with someone now, and when that ends, he might contact me again.

It's hard to let go of that connection that comes so rarely in life, but we have to positive and convince

ourselves that we will find it again. Except the next time, the ones we connect with like will be our "forever".

Don't let go of hope, no one knows the future. But do keep moving forward and living life. It's all we can do luv :)

[SweetGirl28]

And please don't drive yourself crazy feeling he know wants something real because his divorce finalized.

He's gonna do whatever he's gonna do, so try to stay focused on you.

 

A younger girl will more than likely want marriage and kids, so he quite possibly will bail out when

she wants more.

[SweetGirl28]

And I'm going to work now, but I'm sending you (((warm hugs))) and all positive thoughts.

Smile, laugh, dance, sing, whatever makes you feel good, do it! Get some fresh air :)

[DenisePumpkins]

You are a true angel. It’s so nice to know that someone else who’s been through the same turmoil and pain and is otherwise a complete stranger to me, would be so willing to help someone they’ve never even met.

 

I guess the bonds formed from pain can be just as strong as those formed by positive means.

 

I’ve definitely learned that I don’t want two

Men to make up what one should be providing. Yes, I’ve been dishonest but I do love my current guy. We’ve really never had chemistry - I just thought if you had love it would happen. It didn’t but we are best friends and he’s my support and I’m his. Bill was all chemistry and affection and everything my current is not so together they were making one whole man. Unfortunately, it does not work that way. Not excusing my behavior but hopefully writing it down for someone else maybe reading this years later to understand their situation.

 

I will make my situation right and as for hope, I think other than the support from friends and people like you, Sweetgirl, it’s got to be enough.

 

Love and hugs and hope from Texas.

[DenisePumpkins]

And please don't drive yourself crazy feeling he know wants something real because his divorce finalized.

He's gonna do whatever he's gonna do, so try to stay focused on you.

 

A younger girl will more than likely want marriage and kids, so he quite possibly will bail out when

she wants more.

 

I “may” have seen her Facebook and it shows her with friends and then guessing who’s next to be married. So you’re right on point with that one. Add that to Bill always poopooing marriage and saying never again and I think I’ll sit back and see what happens.

 

If I hear wedding bells tho, someone help me.

[Beetie]

Dear Denise, I have nothing to add as I think sweetgirl has you in good hands, but just letting you know that there was so so much I connected with from your thread, so I totally get where you were coming from. I've been beating myself up for a month too since my break up for such trivial things like your texts that any healthy secure relationship and individual would have weathered hands down. In your case, please just stop the cooking class and trolling him on social media. You need to go NC as this guy sounds like he has major issues and is going nowhere

Lots of love