Don't like my dad's partener

[whattodo7]

I should probably begin by saying, I appreciate my dad’s lovelife is none of my business and he is free to date whoever he chooses. I don’t wish to tell him what to do and that is why I have never expressed to him what I am about to write here. However, as his child it is difficult for me that I have formed a negative opinion about his girlfriend and I could therefore use a fresh outsider perspective.

 

My dad is a great guy, very laid back, physically active, sociable etc. He is in his early sixties and was fortunate enough to be able to retire early with a large lump sum to ensure he lives the rest of his life comfortably.

 

He’s been with his girlfriend for two years. Unlike my dad, who enjoys hiking and the outdoors, his girlfriend is obese and a smoker.

 

Prior to meeting my dad she has lived her life on benefits and has accrued debt. She gets carers allowance for her mildly disabled adult daughter. My dad pays for everything in the relationship, absolutely everything for both his girlfriend and daughter. They basically come as a package.

 

She likes to spend 24/7 with my dad, complaining of loneliness if he going fishing with his male friends for an afternoon.

 

They have recently been getting into blazing rows because she wants him to sell his house and buy a new house with her and her daughter. She has no assets herself to bring. My dad doesn’t want to move though. He has lived in his house for over 30 years and is happy there. He feels it would be better for them to live separately for the time being because he feels she should have a separate place for her daughter.

 

For the past year she has also been getting into blazing rows with him about getting married. She told him she is going to think of a deadline for when he needs to have proposed to her by. My dad does not want to get married though to anyone. However, things then all came to a head and I thought they were going to split but instead they have come to an agreement never to mention marriage or moving in together ever again. Can this work?

 

From my perspective, my dad so far has not really enjoyed his retirement. He is basically like a carer to his girlfriend doing menial tasks for her. I envisioned him spending his retirement travelling the world and doing expeditions.

[Hollyj]

Good God!

 

Why is your father attracted to this woman? She sounds miserable, and has nothing to bring to the table.

 

Has family, or friends, spoken to him?

 

I can't imagine being in your place.

[Andrina]

Perhaps you, and maybe another family member who can see she might be a gold digger, can meet with your dad for a discussion. Explain that he might be too close to the situation to see what's going on, and you would like to give your observations of what you think might be going on and that you don't see that your dad is truly happy with her trying to enjoy his leisure time with friends and to get him to purchase a house in her name too.

 

You can try, but if he doesn't want to listen, you have no choice but to leave him alone with his decision since he isn't lacking in mental faculties. At least he didn't agree to sell his house or to have the lady move in.

[Starlight925]

I'm in your dad's age range, and this is unfortunately all too common. Gosh, I just had this discussion with a friend yesterday, as her ex-husband, a well-to-do man, has remarried a woman who is a shrew, and is horrible to their grown son, and has basically insisted that her new husband follow all of her "rules" for how they live their lives. He bought her a Coach purse, and she threw it at him because it's not "designer" enough. She insisted on no prenup, so guess what....she'll get it all, because he said ok. Sheesh.

 

I have story after story after story like yours, unfortunately. Just as I'm typing this, I thought of two more.

 

You can't do anything, unfortunately. You can sit down and try to have a heart-to-heart with him, but I hate to be brutally honest with you: it will probably not work.

 

OK, still typing, and thought of 2 more.

[Fudgie]

I would sit down and have a heart to heart with him. Point out the facts. Although to be honest, it sounds like this relationship will peter out eventually since he refuses to get a new house or marry her and they fight a lot.

 

You can offer to help him with online dating and setting up a profile on an older person dating site if he so chooses to go back into that again.

 

I would not recommend this, but I'm very sensitive to people taking advantage of older folks and have dealt with this before with my grandmother when a snake tried to worm her way in and take advantage. I would probably get chummy with the woman and try to drop seeds of doubt in her mind, possibly over infidelity or other topics.

[smackie9]

It's time to have a conversation with your father. When you talk to him, start with "I'm really concerned about YOU...." then talk about all the things he is being denied in the relationship, and the dangers of being taken advantage of financially.

 

Now during this conversation, DO NOT make any comment about her, or how horrible she is, or how much of a loser, or whatever. Keep the conversation focused on him, and how this is affecting him. Then finish with, that you will support him when he finally ends it with her. I have a feeling he feels sorry for them, and feels obligated to take care of the child because he's a caring fellow....but you need to snap him out of it, and show him she is motivated by money.

[itsallgrand]

I feel angry even reading this. She's not a partner, she's a parasite and a user who is intent on draining your dad for all he's worth. It's not a matter of personally liking her or not, it's a natural feeling of not liking your dad to be taken advantage of.

 

What can you do? You can try to speak with your dad, or you can take action on your own behalf. And I would, that's just me. I'm currently living with the aftermath of a moocher who engrained himself in my moms life. She's gone, and he's still trying to take all he can.

 

Had I known earlier what he had been doing, I would have done all in my power to protect my mom. And I will now, do all I can to make things right. It's not in my nature to passively allow users to take what is not theirs .

[reinventmyself]

The good news is he is on to her somewhat which is shown by him drawing a line on moving and marriage.

Lets just hope he can hold it. I would use this angle while talking to him and being careful not to disparage her but being supportive in his struggle.

 

My father had to fly to another state to run off some woman that moved in with my grandfather under the guise of taking care of him and being his companion.

He was older, lonely and vulnerable. She was an evil parasite who had him buy all new furniture and her a new car.

My dad showed up and told her to take the car and never come back. Her kookie daughters showed up after the fact and tried to take on my father.

 

Yah. . .If you knew my dad back then you didn't want to mess with him. This was just short of them getting married, which would have been a whole `nother nightmare.

It was like something out of a bad movie. These things do happen.

[abitbroken]

For the past year she has also been getting into blazing rows with him about getting married. She told him she is going to think of a deadline for when he needs to have proposed to her by. My dad does not want to get married though to anyone. However, things then all came to a head and I thought they were going to split but instead they have come to an agreement never to mention marriage or moving in together ever again. Can this work?

 

Leave dad alone to handle his relationship. For whatever reason, he chose her. He has set his own boundaries, as he is refusing to marry her or live with her or sell his house. He has made a clear choice. If she lives seperately, then maybe sometimes you go do something with dad one on one without them around - it should be easy enough. keep your nose out of it. He made his own choice on what to do