Why do we pick people who don't want us?

[mandeelove]

I have an issue picking men to date who are either emotionally unavailable or trying to play around until they come back to me. They show signs that they like me but if I ask their intentions they tell me I read the signals all wrong. They are never ready to commit to me or act normal. They always never choose me.

 

I am single now but had 2 bad prior relationships back to back. One made me feel totally unloved and unworthy. The other one made me feel great but yet still didnt want me despite how similar we were. Would rather be a player despite how much he claimed to care for me. In both situations I stayed until THEY made their moves good or bad. But I couldnt leave even though both scenarios were bad for me. It was like I was waiting for them to choose me when I could have just left them. I let men treat me bad but Im the furthest thing from stupid. And I do not treat anyone bad.

 

Why would a person stay in situations like this? Im very loving, caring and understanding. I dont know why I do this but I am self reflecting because I never want to date again until i figure this out. I dont want to seek therapy. In fact I am licensed in the therapy field myself. I can give great suggestions and Ive helped alot of people in my life but I CANT help myself.

 

I am getting older. I dont want this to go on forever. So far I wasted almost 3 years in relationships not going anywhere. Ive been stuck in fantasy rather than reality because I dream of the what ifs instead of looking at the facts in front of my face. I dont feel strong at all. This is why I want to stay single now.

 

Anyone ever been like me? . How did u overcome it? Anyone have suggestions as to what I can do ? Like I said, I stopped dating. I am all ears as to how I can get better and overcome this.

[katrina1980]

My thought is that you, and women like you, who choose to stay with 'emotionally unavailable' men who are unable to commit, or treat the woman poorly, have their own issues/fears surrounding commitment.

 

Passive fears, which you may not even realize or recognize. .

 

But think about it, why would a woman who is seriously wanting commitment, pursue and/or remain in a situation with men who don't?

 

Read "He's Scared, She's Scared."

 

It discusses passive commitment fears versus active fears.

 

These men who run away from commitment have active fears.

 

The woman who chooses to chase after them or remains, has passive fears.

 

Two sides of the SAME coin.

 

You may deny this, insisting you DO want commitment, more than anything. So do many men!

 

But when a RL starts heading in that direction, they "actively" run away from it!

 

While you, with your passive commitment fears, chase after them.

 

Anyway, read the book, it's become my personal bible!

 

Good luck, tough issues to overcome.

[katrina1980]

mandeelove, just my experience, but a woman seriously wanting a close committed RL finds "emotionally unavailable" a huge turn off.

 

Takes time to know that for sure because many people are just slow to open up. I am that way (slow to open up), and have been accused of it.

 

But once trust develops, I am very open. Able to commit.

 

So I will give a man time.

 

But eventually it just becomes so clear, usually through actions, like if he disappears/reappears on a regular basis.

 

Since I AM seeking commitment, I don't tolerate this, I am done.

 

If it happens once and he returns, I will give second chance,

 

But then if it happens again, I am done.

 

Just out of curiosity, what do you find so compelling or intriguing about a man who treats you poorly or doesn't want you?

 

It may be a self-esteem thing, do you (subconsciously) believe you don't deserve a man who adores you, treats you well, and wants to eventually commit to you?

 

I cannot relate to this at all.

[Starlight925]

Why are you so against therapy? I get that you’re licensed in therapy, but sometimes even the therapist needs a therapist.

 

I love all of what Katrina wrote, above, and I’ll get the book she recommended for myself!

 

I believe this comes down to childhood wounds that need healing via therapy.

[mandeelove]

mandeelove, just my experience, but a woman seriously wanting a close committed RL finds "emotionally unavailable" a huge turn off.

 

Takes time to know that for sure because many people are just slow to open up. I am that way (slow to open up), and have been accused of it.

 

But once trust develops, I am very open. Able to commit.

 

So I will give a man time.

 

But eventually it just becomes so clear, usually through actions, like if he disappears/reappears on a regular basis.

 

Since I AM seeking commitment, I don't tolerate this, I am done.

 

If it happens once and he returns, I will give second chance,

 

But then if it happens again, I am done.

 

Just out of curiosity, what do you find so compelling or intriguing about a man who treats you poorly or doesn't want you?

 

It may be a self-esteem thing, do you (subconsciously) believe you don't deserve a man who adores you, treats you well, and wants to eventually commit to you?

 

I cannot relate to this at all.

Thank you I really appreciate your input. Great points. I will def check that book out. Never thought of it like I am passively afraid of commitment also , however I am open to looking into that. It is def a trend in my life . I seem to attract the same men always.

 

And its not that I find it alluring... They look normal to start , and months later they display the same behavior. At that point I do not leave and thats the point I am most puzzled by. I give chance after chance and Im the only one in the end suffering. The men are fine . In my younger days I had strong boundaries. I'd leave anyone disrespecting me. As I got older I cant do it so easily. I could have developed low self esteem but I do attribute some of that to my relationships because men have made me feel bad about myself. A goal of mine now is to build myself back up without a man in the picture.

 

I really dont know why I do what I do but I can admit theres a problem and I want to change it. I kind of just dont know where to start. I will be reading that book .

[mandeelove]

Why are you so against therapy? I get that you’re licensed in therapy, but sometimes even the therapist needs a therapist.

 

I love all of what Katrina wrote, above, and I’ll get the book she recommended for myself!

 

I believe this comes down to childhood wounds that need healing via therapy.

I am not against therapy totally. Just feel like I do it as a career and I cant even figure my stuff out. I feel bad about that but I wouldnt be totally opposed to it. I also feel that I know what a therapist would tell me to do.

 

I do dig into my past childhood. I come up with a few things but I cant make a connection to my dating life.

[katrina1980]

I am not against therapy totally. Just feel like I do it as a career and I cant even figure my stuff out. I feel bad about that but I wouldnt be totally opposed to it. I also feel that I know what a therapist would tell me to do.

 

I do dig into my past childhood. I come up with a few things but I cant make a connection to my dating life.

 

Since you're a therapist yourself, what would you or do you advise a woman (or man) who comes to you with the same issues?

 

These issues are not uncommon, quite the contrary.

 

Surely you must have had patients/clients who sought your help in an effort to resolve or understand?

 

What do you advise them?

 

Are you aware/familiar with commitment issues/anxieties?

 

As a therapist yourself, I would assume so, but perhaps not?

 

I do understand it's often difficult to apply the same advice to ourselves as we give to others.

[reinventmyself]

Another good read `Attached'

Based on our upbringings, our attachment styles are formed at a young age.

I love this book because it addressed all types in good length and why we might be attracted to certain other types.

Once you are able to identify your own type you can see why you are drawn to certain people and who to look out for in the future for a better result.

 

Also. . I have been to therapy. We are usually attracted to someone who's attachment style matches out own.

So if you are finding yourself attracted to unavailable men, you need to address your own unavailability.

 

I get that that's hard to wrap your head around. I did me when I first heard it. But look at it this way. Truly available people are not attracted to unavailables.

If it's a LTR relationship an available person is after, they have a keen sense when someone doesn't let them close and can see the roadblocks early on and for the most part, not attracted to them.

 

Equally Unavailable people make excuses for them and stay too long hoping for a change that never happens. Having said that, the outcome is predetermined. Noone gets attached! It's all pretty much operating at an unconscious level.

 

I am a classic unavailable. I've dated all the wrong guys. Not ones that necessarily didn't want me in return, but ones where we were both like negative magnets pushing away from each other.

 

I am currently dating someone who is totally available. I'll admit it makes me realllly uncomfortable. But I am trying to learn something from it.

 

Read the book . .I had learned a lot in therapy, but the book really brought all of it into a finer focus.

[Batya33]

Because it's easier and safer and more fun for some people. You know you will never have to make the decision to commit but you can tell yourself you're "working" on a relationship, and you can continue to feel like you're kept on your toes trying to win the prize which you will never win. You don't really have to get to know him and you can keep him on a pedestal. I actually do like being kept on my toes, like men who are a challenge, but not because they are unavailable -because they are available and also reasonably confident and assertive and won't do any of the doormat/needy/clingy things other when they have a really bad cold or had any kind of dental work whatsoever LOL.

[mandeelove]

Because it's easier and safer and more fun for some people. You know you will never have to make the decision to commit but you can tell yourself you're "working" on a relationship, and you can continue to feel like you're kept on your toes trying to win the prize which you will never win. You don't really have to get to know him and you can keep him on a pedestal. I actually do like being kept on my toes, like men who are a challenge, but not because they are unavailable -because they are available and also reasonably confident and assertive and won't do any of the doormat/needy/clingy things other when they have a really bad cold or had any kind of dental work whatsoever LOL.

Lol ! Yes I know what you mean when you say it can be fun for some people. But I dont see it as fun. I have sleepless nights, anxiety, sadness, and uncomfortable feelings from being with these unavailable men. And even with knowing how upset I feel, I still stay in the bad situation. I think I am going to be their "fixer" and that never happens. In fact we do eventually break up and the next woman they get engaged to. This is the pattern. So I say if they were so rotten, how are they settling down right after me?

[mandeelove]

Another good read `Attached'

Based on our upbringings, our attachment styles are formed at a young age.

I love this book because it addressed all types in good length and why we might be attracted to certain other types.

Once you are able to identify your own type you can see why you are drawn to certain people and who to look out for in the future for a better result.

 

Also. . I have been to therapy. We are usually attracted to someone who's attachment style matches out own.

So if you are finding yourself attracted to unavailable men, you need to address your own unavailability.

 

I get that that's hard to wrap your head around. I did me when I first heard it. But look at it this way. Truly available people are not attracted to unavailables.

If it's a LTR relationship an available person is after, they have a keen sense when someone doesn't let them close and can see the roadblocks early on and for the most part, not attracted to them.

 

Equally Unavailable people make excuses for them and stay too long hoping for a change that never happens. Having said that, the outcome is predetermined. Noone gets attached! It's all pretty much operating at an unconscious level.

 

I am a classic unavailable. I've dated all the wrong guys. Not ones that necessarily didn't want me in return, but ones where we were both like negative magnets pushing away from each other.

 

I am currently dating someone who is totally available. I'll admit it makes me realllly uncomfortable. But I am trying to learn something from it.

 

Read the book . .I had learned a lot in therapy, but the book really brought all of it into a finer focus.

Yes I find it so confusing that I want security, marriage,kids, real love, yet pick unavailable men. Could I be unavailable too? Its something to really think about. I feel I put out available vibes. Every man has told me Im a "wife type". If they want just sex, they dont come to me. They say Im not that type of woman. They will go elsewhere because Im not a friends with benefits type. Ive had men tell me this. So I never thought I put unavailable energy out there.

 

Still it could be at an unconscious level. How does a person figure this out? Thats my goal... To figure this out and attract healthy available men.

 

Thanks for the book suggestion. I need all the reading I can get.

 

Also I want to say I have had men who are open and loving. I do not feel uncomfy by that. I really like it. But 6 months later I find out its all a show or a lie. So I miss red flags. But my point is when a man is open and consistent, I DO like that. I dont push it away.

[reinventmyself]

Yes I find it so confusing that I want security, marriage,kids, real love, yet pick unavailable men. Could I be unavailable too?

Still it could be at an unconscious level. How does a person figure this out? Thats my goal... To figure this out and attract healthy available men.

 

Also I want to say I have had men who are open and loving. I do not feel uncomfy by that. I really like it. But 6 months later I find out its all a show or a lie. So I miss red flags. But my point is when a man is open and consistent, I DO like that. I dont push it away.

 

I too want the same thing. And I would argue with my therapist that I missed the signs. .only after I got done telling him all of them, lol.

 

I really couldn't even hear my own self I was that good at stuffing it.

He'd actually bust me on the spot, that I did indeed see the signs. . I just chose to ignore them.

So if you are really honest with yourself. .were there signs in the beginning that you did see?

 

How do you figure it out? Keep reading and challenge everything you know now to be true.

Turn it inside out and try to look at it differently.

 

My new guy is open and consistent. So were my unavailable, controlling choices or we wouldn't have made it as far as we did.

(almost) Everyone is on good behavior in the beginning. As you have experienced, there becomes a bait and switch at some point.

 

I am still learning but it's about keeping your eyes wide open in the initial phases and not being blinded by hormones so you end up overlooking very important, albeit small clues. I am at the 3 mark point with my guy and I am so committed to not making the same mistake that I may have gone too far the other way and I don't feel an attachment to him. As if, if he disappeared tomorrow, I'd be ok. I sadly know for a fact if he was just out of reach, I'd probably be more attracted to him.

 

I am trying to figure out if it's just that I am too guarded, waiting for the gorilla to come out of the closet or I am just not attracted to the available guy after all.

Frustrating

[ThatwasThen]

Some are addicted to 'emotional trauma' because, to them, it feels so good when the guy graces you with their company again and relieves the trauma of them disappearing on you.

 

I think you may be addicted to being emotionally traumatised, Mandee.

[mandeelove]

I too want the same thing. And I would argue with my therapist that I missed the signs. .only after I got done telling him all of them, lol.

 

I really couldn't even hear my own self I was that good at stuffing it.

He'd actually bust me on the spot, that I did indeed see the signs. . I just chose to ignore them.

So if you are really honest with yourself. .were there signs in the beginning that you did see?

 

How do you figure it out? Keep reading and challenge everything you know now to be true.

Turn it inside out and try to look at it differently.

 

My new guy is open and consistent. So were my unavailable, controlling choices or we wouldn't have made it as far as we did.

(almost) Everyone is on good behavior in the beginning. As you have experienced, there becomes a bait and switch at some point.

 

I am still learning but it's about keeping your eyes wide open in the initial phases and not being blinded by hormones so you end overlooking

very important, albeit small clues. I am at the 3 mark point with my guy and I am so committed to not making the same mistake that I may have gone too far the other way and I don't feel an attachment to him. As if, if he disappeared tomorrow, I'd be ok.

 

I am trying to figure out if it's just that I am too guarded or I am just not attracted to the available guy after all.

Frustrating

Yes yes and yes! Lol. Of course there were red flags with all the guys that turned bad. The last guy even more than the others. And still I ignored them, told myself to give them chances, couldnt leave them. I stayed hoping I can change them too. But there were most definitely red flags and I always felt the relationship would end before it began. I just kept going on anyway like a runaway train.

 

I am going to challenge myself to really dig deep. If I dont do it now I never will. I did have a few breakdowns recently where I finally realized I cant go on like this. I def dont hate myself yet Im behaving like a person with no respect for themselves. Doesnt make sense.

 

In your situation I would be wondering if now that you have an available guy are you bored by that? U are so used to the other types. But I'd def analyze that more because you dont want to throw away a good one. Its a big change for you to be with an available guy especially since youve been unavailable yourself.

 

I assume that if I really met a healthy good guy myself, I might have the same type of feelings. Im so used to breakups and bad men, I wouldnt recognize a good thing at all. Its good you go to therapy. One day I hope I get into therapy because I dont think I can tackle my issues on my own.

[mandeelove]

Some are addicted to 'emotional trauma' because, to them, it feels so good when the guy graces you with their company again and relieves the trauma of them disappearing on you.

 

I think you may be addicted to being emotionally traumatised, Mandee.

I've read into trauma bonding and I did relate to most of it so it could be . The last 2 guys I dated were emotionally abusive yet I missed them if they left for a while.

[reinventmyself]

I sadly know for a fact if he was just out of reach, I'd probably be more attracted to him.

 

I edited my last version and added this ^^ Not proud of it, but true.

[reinventmyself]

I think I have just become so accustomed to the intensity. No, my new guy is not boring. But I don't feel the intense highs or lows. This is a good thing, I have to keep telling myself. But clearly not something I am accustomed too.

 

Interesting, my previous bf was boring, moody, insecure and controlling. We really didn't have much in common at all.

There was a lot of intensity. I mistook that for love.

But I was madly, madly in love with him. At least I thought. He ran away twice. Lesson learned.

 

An important piece of info I ignored - His previous gf said he had commitment issues and every single job he's had in his entire career took him far away from his family and friends. I don't think he's aware of it, but it has been his choice. He'd likely deny it though.

 

My new guy is incredibly upbeat, funny, generous and as far as interests. .we mirror each other perfectly. It's fun in the beginning but when it starts getting real I begin checking for exit signs. I am trying to sit on my hands, sit still and learn from this. Ah hah. . He just text me now.

 

On a side note. My last two serious relationships lived almost 2 hours away. Coincidence? Maybe. My new guy, 10 min's

[ThatwasThen]

I've read into trauma bonding and I did relate to most of it so it could be . The last 2 guys I dated were emotionally abusive yet I missed them if they left for a while.

 

Okay, well knowing that would be a good reason why therapy may help you to get over your addiction. I think most times, people who trauma bond do so due to some kind of trauma in their childhood. Did you have a rough go of it growing up?

 

There are online therapy sessions that you could look into. Not sure about any of them personally though so I'd not recommend any one site.

[reinventmyself]

Having worked through my family's dynamics, there is a definite correlation between my upbringing and my relationship style.

Thatwasthen offered you a power question to consider.

[ClumsyGuy]

Why do we pick people who don't want us? Because scarcity creates value. By becoming scarce, they become valuable in our eyes

[Batya33]

Lol ! Yes I know what you mean when you say it can be fun for some people. But I dont see it as fun. I have sleepless nights, anxiety, sadness, and uncomfortable feelings from being with these unavailable men. And even with knowing how upset I feel, I still stay in the bad situation. I think I am going to be their "fixer" and that never happens. In fact we do eventually break up and the next woman they get engaged to. This is the pattern. So I say if they were so rotten, how are they settling down right after me?

 

But you are also benefiting whether it's because it's fun or otherwise -you like the challenge on some level -and you like the sort of treadmill type energy you're expending so you can tell yourself you're working on a challenging project and you might win the prize. They are not necessarily rotten -they simply are accepting what you continue to give them - it's not awesome that they want to be with someone who is settling for scraps but sometimes if someone isn't quite ready for the one they'll settle for the person who sticks around with minimal effort on their part. Also on the other hand don't assume that they've somehow done better or progressed just because they made a choice and the woman said yes. You don't know both sides much less all sides.

[reinventmyself]

I love the analogy of playing a slot machine.

You keep putting money into it hoping for the payoff.

You don't want to walk away because after all, you've invested in so much.

 

Every once in a while, you get the pay off. The high takes over and it keeps you hooked.

Sitting in the same chair, giving away your money and pulling that arm in the off chance you get the payoff for all that you invested and you can have that high again.

It's the same psychology behind how casino's make their money

[mandeelove]

But you are also benefiting whether it's because it's fun or otherwise -you like the challenge on some level -and you like the sort of treadmill type energy you're expending so you can tell yourself you're working on a challenging project and you might win the prize. They are not necessarily rotten -they simply are accepting what you continue to give them - it's not awesome that they want to be with someone who is settling for scraps but sometimes if someone isn't quite ready for the one they'll settle for the person who sticks around with minimal effort on their part. Also on the other hand don't assume that they've somehow done better or progressed just because they made a choice and the woman said yes. You don't know both sides much less all sides.

True. I always put their next gf on a pedestal that she is much better than me or got them to change their ways etc. Good point.

 

Yes I can relate to all of what you said. The not knowing where I stand is challenging and that might be the allure. However the end result is Im broken down and stressed out beyond belief so I would like to change this. One thing I do notice is Im a helper and a fixer. Ive chosen a career in this so when I meet "damaged" men, I kind of want to help them and if they hurt me I make excuses for them based on their "issues".

[Batya33]

But to be a good helper and fixer you have to act in your own best interests -i.e. put on your own oxygen mask before putting one on your child. if you truly wanted to help a man you saw as damaged you'd make sure not to be romantically involved. Be careful not to describe your choices and pattern in ways that make you seem like you're acting in a healthful or giving way. As you know the best way to help people is to root them on when they help themselves and make the choices to help themselves and don't need your advice/etc

[reinventmyself]

As you know the best way to help people is to root them on when they help themselves and make the choices to help themselves and don't need your advice/etc

 

In helping a man, (when they could otherwise help themselves) you become the constant reminder of their weaknesses.

It might explain why they feel compelled to ultimately leave at some point.