Why do we pick people who don't want us?

[Batya33]

True I'm thinking that. Because all relationships have a similar theme in my life. So I will focus on that.

 

I thought I posted that on another thread?

I also would not get too deeply into your childhood/parents -first look for the most basic/simple explanations.

[IAmFCA]

I would love to get to that place. It sounds profound for you and thats great !!. It must have been a sense of relief when you discovered the missing puzzle piece? Its like your life had a fresh start.

 

Right now Im in the stage where Im looking at my childhood and listing some things I see but they dont seem big enough to effect me long term. I just know that as far back as I can remember I was always trying to take care of people and never take care of me. And no matter how bad I felt , I would help a person before me. I would never let anyone know I actually needed the help more than anyone.

 

It sounds like a great trait ..it sounds selfless! But in reality I forget my needs. I forget my voice...like you said. And for me, I look at people who left me with no hesitation. I admired how they did it. They were unhappy and they left me. No questions asked. These were the same people who I never left even when they were making me unhappy. Its kind of crazy but I learn through that too. They leave with no remorse for my feelngs so I strive to be like that. Not hurting anyone but putting me first . Its easier said than done though.

 

Thank you for the link...I am going to read up on it.

 

Kindness and loyalty start with yourself. Try that.

[IAmFCA]

I thought I posted that on another thread?

I also would not get too deeply into your childhood/parents -first look for the most basic/simple explanations.

 

I spent a lifetime with the simple stuff. Getting to the root of things was incredibly powerful.

[mandeelove]

Kindness and loyalty start with yourself. Try that.

Yes !! Agree

[Batya33]

I spent a lifetime with the simple stuff. Getting to the root of things was incredibly powerful.

 

Yes, it can be and at the same time I've seen people do their best to ignore what is right in front of them -what is basic and simple - as an excuse to keep the status quo, or to blame parents/past, etc as an excuse -or jump to psychospeak labels that don't fit like commitmentphobe/narcissist, etc. There's a balance. That's one reason I love talking to children -they get to the simple stuff and get how often it is right in front of you -the motive for why you make certain choices, etc. Simple can be far more meaningful than searching for answers from the past. Sometimes that requires space and time from the situation so that the person is open to the "aha" moment -which was there all the time.

[IAmFCA]

Yes, it can be and at the same time I've seen people do their best to ignore what is right in front of them -what is basic and simple - as an excuse to keep the status quo, or to blame parents/past, etc as an excuse -or jump to psychospeak labels that don't fit like commitmentphobe/narcissist, etc. There's a balance. That's one reason I love talking to children -they get to the simple stuff and get how often it is right in front of you -the motive for why you make certain choices, etc. Simple can be far more meaningful than searching for answers from the past. Sometimes that requires space and time from the situation so that the person is open to the "aha" moment -which was there all the time.

 

For me to change, it is important that I address the underlying motivation and thoughts. Most of what I do is intuitive, and to be authentic, my intuition needs to change. To do that, I work on change from the inside out.

 

We all are adults here. Understanding how we fit together can be informative if we choose to change course. As adults, we are responsible for who we are, no matter how we got here.

[mandeelove]

For me to change, it is important that I address the underlying motivation and thoughts. Most of what I do is intuitive, and to be authentic, my intuition needs to change. To do that, I work on change from the inside out.

 

We all are adults here. Understanding how we fit together can be informative if we choose to change course. As adults, we are responsible for who we are, no matter how we got here.

I agree with you and the above poster. I do not think its good to blame parents, the past, or anyone else for behavior. In rare cases the past is to blame. Ive seen people in traumatic situations that really effect them forever if they do not get help, etc. But I like to not blame anything, just maybe use it as a guide or to gain awareness. But living in the past is not what I recommend .

 

Can you explain how you changed your intuition? Believe it or not I am also fueled off of intuition. I feel it, Good or bad. The thing is I will feel bad intuitive vibes and still go forward in something. So how to fix that.....

[IAmFCA]

I agree with you and the above poster. I do not think its good to blame parents, the past, or anyone else for behavior. In rare cases the past is to blame. Ive seen people in traumatic situations that really effect them forever if they do not get help, etc. But I like to not blame anything, just maybe use it as a guide or to gain awareness. But living in the past is not what I recommend .

 

Can you explain how you changed your intuition? Believe it or not I am also fueled off of intuition. I feel it, Good or bad. The thing is I will feel bad intuitive vibes and still go forward in something. So how to fix that.....

 

Yes, I agree with all. Blame is backwards focused and who cares anyway. The question is, how do we go forward?

 

My instincts were guiding me down painful pathways... why? Why would I work against myself? I decided I wouldn't -- that In was following some sort of logic meant to protect me from something worse. I listened to the most quiet voice in my head, and assumed it was following some sort of logic. I backsolved to figure out the logic, which always was rooted in some sort of protective or survival instinct. Then I redefined what I need for protection.

 

Actually, I defined what I don't need ... maybe I need to define what I do need. Hmm.

 

Anyway... I had to get to the very kernel of it and was determined to do so, because I wanted a fundamental change in my own pattern of behavior.

[Batya33]

For me to change, it is important that I address the underlying motivation and thoughts. Most of what I do is intuitive, and to be authentic, my intuition needs to change. To do that, I work on change from the inside out.

 

We all are adults here. Understanding how we fit together can be informative if we choose to change course. As adults, we are responsible for who we are, no matter how we got here.

 

Yes, and I also think that no matter how intuitive a person is -and in fact especially if she is highly intuitive - first look for the most obvious answer and get to a place where you are ready to accept the most obvious answer and accept if you (the general you) are choosing to indulge in analysis and looking at the past as an escapist strategy. People who go with their gut choose to do so and choose to believe that they are going with their gut (as fear, etc can masquerade as "inutition" plus the temptation to say "I couldn't help myself")

[IAmFCA]

Yes, and I also think that no matter how intuitive a person is -and in fact especially if she is highly intuitive - first look for the most obvious answer and get to a place where you are ready to accept the most obvious answer and accept if you (the general you) are choosing to indulge in analysis and looking at the past as an escapist strategy. People who go with their gut choose to do so and choose to believe that they are going with their gut (as fear, etc can masquerade as "inutition" plus the temptation to say "I couldn't help myself")

 

Not sure I follow but readily agree that analysis has to be rigorous in its purpose. One has to pursue a conclusion, or a series of conclusions.

 

Have known some and sometimes i have analyzed as a tool to avoid ... for me, the clue is Am I analyzing myself, and is it conatructive? If yes, okay to THINK. If not, then best to go DO.

 

And fear certainly is an intuitive response. Helpful to identify the source of certain fears and eradicate them

[Batya33]

Not sure I follow but readily agree that analysis has to be rigorous in its purpose. One has to pursue a conclusion, or a series of conclusions.

 

Have known some and sometimes i have analyzed as a tool to avoid ... for me, the clue is Am I analyzing myself, and is it conatructive? If yes, okay to THINK. If not, then best to go DO.

 

And fear certainly is an intuitive response. Helpful to identify the source of certain fears and eradicate them

 

I meant that what people think is following their gut is actually not -sometimes it's just following fear.

[IAmFCA]

I meant that what people think is following their gut is actually not -sometimes it's just following fear.

 

Ah. And sometimes its the same.thing, as when our instincts are trying tostay.protect us.

[Batya33]

Ah. And sometimes its the same.thing, as when our instincts are trying tostay.protect us.

 

Yes an instinct can tell you to avoid something harmful but too often people mistake following their gut from simply responding to a fear response or a myriad of other things that are not "gut" because they're not actually in touch enough with themselves to know the difference.

[mandeelove]

Yes an instinct can tell you to avoid something harmful but too often people mistake following their gut from simply responding to a fear response or a myriad of other things that are not "gut" because they're not actually in touch enough with themselves to know the difference.

So thats the thing....how can one tell the difference? I suffer from anxiety so its a very tough thing to determine the difference. Although sometimes I do think its my instinct and I will be right like a few months later when truths come out etc .

[Batya33]

So thats the thing....how can one tell the difference? I suffer from anxiety so its a very tough thing to determine the difference. Although sometimes I do think its my instinct and I will be right like a few months later when truths come out etc .

 

There are many books about this about how to get in tune with yourself so you do know. Also just because you end up being "right" doesn't mean it was your "instinct" -could have just been your evaluation and also it's a matter of chance -statistically you're going to be right in certain situations. I think in your case, for now, you tend to go for the guys who are unavailable and if you listen carefully during a first date or even earlier they will typically give you all the information you need to know (and that is from Dr. Joy Browne who tragically died way too young last year).

[mandeelove]

There are many books about this about how to get in tune with yourself so you do know. Also just because you end up being "right" doesn't mean it was your "instinct" -could have just been your evaluation and also it's a matter of chance -statistically you're going to be right in certain situations. I think in your case, for now, you tend to go for the guys who are unavailable and if you listen carefully during a first date or even earlier they will typically give you all the information you need to know (and that is from Dr. Joy Browne who tragically died way too young last year).

Thanks I am going to read up about it. Good point- people (these men) do tend to say all the things I need to know, and they act accordingly too. I just overlook it. So I agree with that. The truth is really right in front of me usually.

[Batya33]

I got good at that when I dated but it takes being level headed and talking less and listening more.