why does he follow so many random women on instagram?

[ThatwasThen]

it's different between me and him in a way since he's known me.fr years.and we've been in contact fr years so I would say after his ex I was the one he spent most.time with.

 

well he speaks to me as if we are exclusive though..as if it's just us two in a relationship. when he gets annoyed at me it's over things that only a guy would get.annoyed at his.girl over. he obviously doesn't know I know.he's.following all these.women

 

im not insecure. evrytime I say something related to another girl or.something he jst says im insecure therefore I can't win

he says evryting is fine and I'm over reacting

You are insecure in this relationship and frankly, you should be because you're not exclusive but you assume you are. You are so insecure in this relationship that you won't even ask him if the two of you are exclusive.

 

Ask him why he has all those women on his Instagram after you've asked him if the two of you are exclusive and if he says you are.

 

Again: I ask you why you only see one another once a week or once every two weeks.

[boltnrun]

people have seen us together and they all assume we are together officially and he doesn't correct them

 

But does he SAY you're his girlfriend? ?

[firelily]

Again: I ask you why you only see one another once a week or once every two weeks.

 

You forgot about capslock

[ThatwasThen]

But does he SAY you're his girlfriend? ?

Does he say you're his exclusive girlfriend?

[firelily]

Does he say you're his exclusive girlfriend?

 

Good points, boltnrun & ThatwasThen.

 

Some people are not sentimental types to send each other Valentines, and they don't care about FB status, they don't need to kneel down and ask "will you be my girlfriend?" BUT they still KNOW and SAY they are in a relationship. People who are not comfortable referring to each other as "my boyfriend" or "my girlfriend" are not in a relationship.

 

Also, if some guy, let's say someone who is a womanizer, brings different women to parties, his friends would probably refer to their dates as "your girlfriend", even if they knew they just casually date a few women simultaneously. Because how else they should call them? Your friend whom you kiss? Your tonight's date? Your girlfriend number 3? They will probably refer to their date as girlfriend out of respect.

[sansa91]

Sansa, I understand that you've come here for advice. What kind of advice could help you?

 

Because you've been given advice and I think that you don't think this is a valid advice for you. Also you don't answer the repeated questions or answer them in a bit unclear way. So maybe the way this thread goes so far is not what you want from this forum.

 

Did you just want someone to affirm that this behavior is not acceptable in a relationship? Do you ask here which one of you is right, you for being hurt and offended or your partner for saying it's not a problem and you're being insecure?

 

Do you ask us how to convince him to change the behaviour that's hurting you? Do you want a solution?

 

Have you come here because you were troubled by his behaviour and wanted to get another insight into this relationship so that you can decide if you can fully trust him? Or what changes you can make to your relationship/almost-relationship so that your trust could flourish?

 

What would be your question here?

 

ill try make it clearer. Because of our history, as in we've been friends for years n years and experienced a lot in our lives together, I would expect him by now.to feel a certain way about me enough not to hit follow on every plain jane he comes across.

And they honestly are very average looking some of them yet he feels the need to look at their photos day in day out. Is this normal? I certainly don't have that urge like him. I got much better things.to do with my life than sit perving on photo after photo. I'd rather build on existing friendships I have with people I know. So yes I just don't understand it really.

I'm not blowing my own trumpet but his own friend said im "hot" and I get compliments everyday so again it doesn't make sense to me why he has to continue to be a perve.

 

Evrytime I've brought something up he will say im crazy paranoid etc etc, even though I'm pretty normal. Therefore I don't want to bring the instagram thing up to him if all he will do is dismiss it. he's doing what he's doing so good for him but I don't understand or like it really.

 

We see each other once a week because I guess he waits on me to plan a day to meet and I'm not going to keep pestering him more than once a week. Plus I have quite a fulfilling social life and meet other people aswell. I do think it's his job as the guy to arrange more days a week and I would go along with it.

[sansa91]

You are insecure in this relationship and frankly, you should be because you're not exclusive but you assume you are. You are so insecure in this relationship that you won't even ask him if the two of you are exclusive.

 

Ask him why he has all those women on his Instagram after you've asked him if the two of you are exclusive and if he says you are.

 

Again: I ask you why you only see one another once a week or once every two weeks.

we've not had those sorts of talks. and I certainly don't want to be the one to do all the hard work. I don't see why I should have to put everything out there.

 

and we see each other once a week because neither of us mentions otherwise. and it's just been that way for a long long time.

[ThatwasThen]

he's doing what he's doing so good for him but I don't understand or like it really.

So if we told you that him collecting photos of other women on his Instagram was normal would you suddenly like it?

 

What does it matter if its normal or not. The problem is you don't like it so why don't you just ask him about it and see what he has to say and forget about him turning it back on you by calling you paranoid. Don't allow him to change the subject. If he calls you paranoid simply tell him "that does not answer my question" and then wait for his explanation.

[firelily]

Is this normal?

 

Normal as in common, maybe. It is disrespectful if you are his girlfriend. It's not a proof for cheating, but it may be concerning if it's combined with other suspicious stuff. It's a bachelor habit of men without more interesting life passions that may be hard to change, especially if your guy doesn't see that it's a problem. It bothers you, so if you plan to move things forward, you need to communicate with him about it. Establish that whether you're insecure or not, if you are his exclusive girlfriend then you feel hurt when he behaves basically like this, only online:

 

]

[boltnrun]

Since you're doing a lot of dancing around the question and won't answer it directly, I have to conclude he does NOT call you his girlfriend and he has NOT said you two are an exclusive, committed couple.

 

Just because you see someone two to three times a month for a year or whatever, that does not mean you two are a couple.

 

The guy I was seeing and I were not an exclusive couple. But I was not fearful of asking him and I didn't come up with a lot of excuses why I didn't ask him, because I knew the deal. If he saw someone else or "liked" photos or added women as "friends", well, he was technically single and free to do whatever he wanted. And I had no call to object because he had not told me I was his girlfriend and he had not told me we were an exclusive, committed couple. And I hadn't told him those things either.

[ThatwasThen]

we've not had those sorts of talks. and I certainly don't want to be the one to do all the hard work. I don't see why I should have to put everything out there.

 

and we see each other once a week because neither of us mentions otherwise. and it's just been that way for a long long time.

 

Then you have it all figured out. \

 

What exactly did you expect to get advice on from other people in this thread?

[sansa91]

Since you're doing a lot of dancing around the question and won't answer it directly, I have to conclude he does NOT call you his girlfriend and he has NOT said you two are an exclusive, committed couple.

 

Just because you see someone two to three times a month for a year or whatever, that does not mean you two are a couple.

 

The guy I was seeing and I were not an exclusive couple. But I was not fearful of asking him and I didn't come up with a lot of excuses why I didn't ask him, because I knew the deal. If he saw someone else or "liked" photos or added women as "friends", well, he was technically single and free to do whatever he wanted. And I had no call to object because he had not told me I was his girlfriend and he had not told me we were an exclusive, committed couple. And I hadn't told him those things either.

 

he's never called any of the girls he was with his "girlfriend" even though technically they were.

 

MY ISSUE IS IF WE ARE FRIENDS THEN DON'T TALK TO ME LIKE WE ARE MORE OR BE TRYING TO KISS ME.ETC.ETC HE DOES

HE SPEAKS TO ME LIKE IM HIS GIRLFRIEND AND AS I SAID BEFORE HE ALWYAS SAYS THERE'S.SO MANY WOMEN WHO WSNT TO TAKE MY PLACE AND EVEN HIS EX HE SAID WOULD LOVE TO COME BACK TO HIM BT I SHOULD TELL HER HOW AMAZING HE IS. HE IS SAYING IT IN A JOKEY WAY BUT STILL TO SAY SOMETHING LIKE THAT ISN'T TRIVIAL.

[sansa91]

Normal as in common, maybe. It is disrespectful if you are his girlfriend. It's not a proof for cheating, but it may be concerning if it's combined with other suspicious stuff. It's a bachelor habit of men without more interesting life passions that may be hard to change, especially if your guy doesn't see that it's a problem. It bothers you, so if you plan to move things forward, you need to communicate with him about it. Establish that whether you're insecure or not, if you are his exclusive girlfriend then you feel hurt when he behaves basically like this, only online:

 

is the guy so I expect him to tell me.what we are. I don't want.to have to ask like a pathetic person.

[Pleasedonot5]

When people follow others on Instagram, others usually follow back. I think you're making a mountain out of a molehill and are dealing with your own insecurities.

 

Sansa... It is not pathetic to communicate. It's pathetic to play the helpless, non-communicative girl and to do nothing to rectify the situation.

[sansa91]

When people follow others on Instagram, others usually follow back. I think you're making a mountain out of a molehill and are dealing with your own insecurities.

 

Sansa... It is not pathetic to communicate. It's pathetic to play the helpless, non-communicative girl and to do nothing to rectify the situation.

 

except thyre not following him he's following them. pretty much all of them are not following him back which can only mean he is starting it off.

 

I think asking a question such as what are we sounds pretty sad.

[firelily]

he is the guy so I expect him to tell me.what we are. I don't want.to have to ask like a pathetic person.

 

Sansa, who told you that it's pathetic for a girl to ask a guy something?... I'm telling you, with that attitude you won't have any real, close, long-lasting relationship in your life. Any genuine relationship requires both persons to be humble and vulnerable, say sorry first, communicate first, show your feelings first when they develop. Both people have to do this because no one would like to be the only one doing this first all the time.

 

Your solution is to keep silent and just accept whatever you're getting. That's not a way to build happiness. You won't tell your boyfriend that you feel disrespected by something he's doing, because you expect him to be a mind reader. You won't suggest dates too often, because how would it look if you were asking him out a bit more? You accept his weird habits of not calling his girlfriend's girlfriends, that are not working for you, because you're not secure enough to know for 100% if you are a couple or not. But you won't change this habit because you would lose something by asking him first to define your relationship.

 

Yes, it's classy to expect a guy to ask a girl out for a first date, and to be the first to call you after it. It's fine to wait for a guy to give you the first kiss. But in every healthy relationship, later on you're his equal and not some princess to be catered upon. Why are you so afraid of losing this match over who's powerful and puts their dignity first, and who's weak and vulnerable? What worst could happen if you were the one to ask him out to dates 3 times a week, or ask him if he wants to be your boyfriend, or tell him that you're afraid that he's not only adding these girls, but checking them out? What would it make you?

 

If I was a guy, I don't think I could date someone who would be afraid of showing too much that they care after a year of dating. Who would have a problem with something but wouldn't tell me and expect me to figure it all out. Who would be too afraid to ask if they are in fact my girlfriend or not, for a year. There are so many women who in the course of relationship become open, trusting, vulnerable, openly showing their love and concern, that it would be too sad settling for something else. Who told you women are expected to never ask anything? Don't you realize that you can have twice as satisfying relationships in your life if you actually risk being "pathetic" for the person that you love? That is, if you actually love this guy. It doesn't seem like you two are actually emotionally close and trusting with each other, like people in any healthy relationship are.

[firelily]

Besides, you came here to this forum asking for help because you don't like your guy's behaviour and you don't know what to think or do about it. What kind of help did you expect here that wouldn't involve eventually you talking to your guy about it?... Do you want any of us to talk to him instead of you, or click a button that will make him stop this behaviour that concerns you? I don't think asking for advice online can help in any way if you're too afraid to do anything with any advice that you could get and work on your relationship issues by the only way possible - opening up and having a mature, vulnerable discussion.

[Moonpie215]

Hello, I can tell you why he does this because it happened to me at the start of my relationship. Like you I never said anything. I just ignored it then he asked me out properly then we ended up having a baby and moving in together and I noticed he completely stopped doing it. I asked him one night, not long ago actually, why he would follow girls on instagram when we first started going out. I was making a joke of it even though it had made me feel insecure for some time . He said he did it because it was "before we were serious". I would tell you to use this as an opportunity to realise that your relationship to him probably isn't that serious if he does this. There is no need to follow these girls, he can have a look (don't we all?!) But he definitely shouldn't be following them. He should only follow girls who are actually friends - if he is serious he wouldn't want to follow anyone else. Sorry.

[ThatwasThen]

except thyre not following him he's following them. pretty much all of them are not following him back which can only mean he is starting it off.

 

I think asking a question such as what are we sounds pretty sad.

Well, actually, you are the one that is sounding pretty sad. You won't do anything to rectify or clarify with him and you expect strangers on the internet to fix your problem. The only one that can fix this is you and him through direct communication and if you're unwilling to do that then you're just going to have to learn to be indifferent to his online activities.

 

There really is nothing else to say about this because you're totally not going to take any of the advice you've been given here.

 

Its on you, not us to reconcile this with him.

[firelily]

Hello, I can tell you why he does this because it happened to me at the start of my relationship. Like you I never said anything. I just ignored it then he asked me out properly then we ended up having a baby and moving in together and I noticed he completely stopped doing it. I asked him one night, not long ago actually, why he would follow girls on instagram when we first started going out. I was making a joke of it even though it had made me feel insecure for some time . He said he did it because it was "before we were serious". I would tell you to use this as an opportunity to realise that your relationship to him probably isn't that serious if he does this. There is no need to follow these girls, he can have a look (don't we all?!) But he definitely shouldn't be following them. He should only follow girls who are actually friends - if he is serious he wouldn't want to follow anyone else. Sorry.

 

I don't think OP is serious about him either, if she thinks asking if they are a couple after a year of dating is below her dignity That's not how someone who's passionate about spending future with their boyfriend acts, so maybe this is just about convenience...

[boltnrun]

I think you're afraid of the answer if you ask him.

 

And if that's the case, any wonder you feel insecure? It's not surprising at all.

[MissCanuck]

I think you don't want to ask him where you stand with him because you are afraid he won't say: "You're my girlfriend."

 

The Instagram-woman-collecting is his business. No, it's not really a good look on a guy - but given that you two are not a couple, it's not your place confront him about it, so to speak. If he were actually your boyfriend, I might have a different stance. But he isn't, so he can do what he pleases.

 

The question is, why are you hanging on to a guy who behaves like this? You don't like it, (and fair enough), and he evidently hasn't made any move to clarify that you are more than casually each other after an entire year. What is keeping you there? What other people assume you two are is irrelevant. Him accusing you of being insecure does not necessarily mean that he considers you his girlfriend, either. Have that talk and sort it out, or continue to watch him collect new social media friends while you stew in silence.

[sansa91]

I think you don't want to ask him where you stand with him because you are afraid he won't say: "You're my girlfriend."

 

The Instagram-woman-collecting is his business. No, it's not really a good look on a guy - but given that you two are not a couple, it's not your place confront him about it, so to speak. If he were actually your boyfriend, I might have a different stance. But he isn't, so he can do what he pleases.

 

The question is, why are you hanging on to a guy who behaves like this? You don't like it, (and fair enough), and he evidently hasn't made any move to clarify that you are more than casually each other after an entire year. What is keeping you there? What other people assume you two are is irrelevant. Him accusing you of being insecure does not necessarily mean that he considers you his girlfriend, either. Have that talk and sort it out, or continue to watch him collect new social media friends while you stew in silence.

 

when I get mad and leave he will come after me. I stopped talking to him for over a month and when I stopped being mad he said to me he hopes I don't do that again.and he couldn't believe I would cut contact with him after everything he's done for me. so it seemed he took it quite personally

[sansa91]

I don't think OP is serious about him either, if she thinks asking if they are a couple after a year of dating is below her dignity That's not how someone who's passionate about spending future with their boyfriend acts, so maybe this is just about convenience...

it's not about conveniencertain at all. In the past I was more forward and all he seems to do is get bigheaded over it and start acting cocky. I DID USED TO aak him to come out with me and he would be like " soon and not to worry" and like " busy those days" basicly he just played games I think now he's better in terms of meeting up. But now I do feel like he's the one disrespecting me by following all those women yet I'm the one who has to open up and show how into him I am by askig those questions?

[sansa91]

Hello, I can tell you why he does this because it happened to me at the start of my relationship. Like you I never said anything. I just ignored it then he asked me out properly then we ended up having a baby and moving in together and I noticed he completely stopped doing it. I asked him one night, not long ago actually, why he would follow girls on instagram when we first started going out. I was making a joke of it even though it had made me feel insecure for some time . He said he did it because it was "before we were serious". I would tell you to use this as an opportunity to realise that your relationship to him probably isn't that serious if he does this. There is no need to follow these girls, he can have a look (don't we all?!) But he definitely shouldn't be following them. He should only follow girls who are actually friends - if he is serious he wouldn't want to follow anyone else. Sorry.

 

iv given him plenty of chances to own up to that if it's the case. One time I jst said im always nice to you but no more, and he just panicked, he was like let's go away together it'll b good and he told me to chill out but I could tell he was desperately trying to rectify the situation. and thts wt always happens if I don't talk to hm or stop he doesn't like it and takes it very personally