mandeelove Posted October 28, 2017 Share Posted October 28, 2017 How long have you been together? If he suddenly told you he wants kids again and marriage would you stay with him? Just trying to figure out if it's the no kids thing or that you are very unhappy with him as a person in general. Link to comment
thealchemist Posted October 28, 2017 Share Posted October 28, 2017 How long have you been together? If he suddenly told you he wants kids again and marriage would you stay with him? Just trying to figure out if it's the no kids thing or that you are very unhappy with him as a person in general. Good point above. I was curious about something else too. You know him better than any of us... Do you think there is a chance he has known this but kept it from you while trying to solidify the relationship? I have known a few guys to be all for kids until they think they have developed enough of an emotional attachment to be honest. Or is this just a slow realization he has come to over time? Link to comment
25Kathryn Posted October 28, 2017 Author Share Posted October 28, 2017 How long have you been together? If he suddenly told you he wants kids again and marriage would you stay with him? Just trying to figure out if it's the no kids thing or that you are very unhappy with him as a person in general. I can see a lot of good advice here from all of you. We've been together 4 years and from the beginning knew he is the guy for me. we had everything - that spark, that connection, common interest, similar sense of humour. I was making him happy and he was making me happy. It seemed we both wanted the same thing. We're perfectly matched on so many levels - intellectual, life expectations, sense of humour, same expectations and temperament when it comes to intimacy, you name it. I was always the most happy when we were still dating and I could see that pure happiness in his eyes every time we met. That was making me the most happy ever - seeing how comfortable he was with me and that he was really looking forward to see me, how happy he was to introduce me to his family and friends and how he liked telling me stories from when he was little, talking about his grandparents, showing me where he used to live when a kid, etc. he wanted to share with me all of that, his past, present and his future. I was the most happy then. I believed him when he was saying he wanted to have kids with me and how cute they would be. So yes, I was devastated when he told me he changed his mind I don't feel he loves me any more... think now he may be more used to my company and he may see it as that only rather than love. Not sure. Link to comment
mandeelove Posted October 28, 2017 Share Posted October 28, 2017 I was just in a situation where my ex bf never wanted to do anything nice for me even though I always did nice for him. I too stuck it out to my bday and expected something big. But he had no plans. I had to figure out my own bday and in the end time ran out so we couldnt do what I wanted. He said raincheck and then never re visited it again .i even suggested a back up plan but again nothing went on. My point here is love is very much actions, not words. There is a honeymoon phase of all relationships and when it dies down people seem to think its over. But love is hard work. Its not always going to be loving gazes and heartfelt notes all the time. But that doesnt mean he doesnt love you. Unless he tells you straight up. Has he ever said he doesnt love you anymore point blank?? Do you think his actions are just that the honeymoon phase is over and you are insecure about that? I wanted to say your bf is still showing actions. Unlike my story, your bf is planning a getaway for ur bday which takes effort. He wants to make you happy on ur day. I feel like hed stop putting effort if his love wasnt there. Love wasnt there in my relationship SO he NEVER did nice things. Your situation seems like you hit a rough patch but he overall has treated u right for all 4 years. I dont know if my analysis is on point . But all I can suggest is maybe ask him how he feels about u and tell him you feel a distance which is unsettling. Maybe all you need is a conversation to see if you guys are on the same page romantically. He doesnt want kids but maybe something happened in your relationship where he changed his mind. Maybe because you guys hit a rough patch and fight alot. I think you need some communication. Unless hes treating you like garbage , Id say maybe you can work at it still etc. In my relationship my ex didnt treat me right ever. We never had good moments. It was never totally normal. The fact you have 4 yrs of good times shows me it can be fixable if you just ask him whats going on. Sometimes people cant envision a new baby or marriage when things are off track. Maybe thats where that comes from on his end..... Link to comment
Seraphim Posted October 28, 2017 Share Posted October 28, 2017 Make sure that your reproductive system is healthy. My grandmother had my mom at 40 and her son at 42. For my mom having children was over at 23 and for me at 30. Everyone’s reproductive system is different . Link to comment
fabact Posted October 28, 2017 Share Posted October 28, 2017 He was always saying he wanted kids with me. Until a few months ago when we had a serious argument and than he then said he doesn't want to have more kind any more. All those years, the time we were together was mostly great but we did have some arguments but still I knew that whatever happens, at least he loves me and wants a family with me. I could doubt other things but never that... until that one time recently when he told me he changed his mind. Since then things just started to go down the hill very quickly. My point exactly about men who already have kids and say they want more. I have found that they say it because they want to be with you. Sorry, it's a huge generalization, but the same thing happened to me. Learned my lesson. People will say just about anything when life is all rosy colored. Link to comment
25Kathryn Posted October 29, 2017 Author Share Posted October 29, 2017 My point here is love is very much actions, not words. There is a honeymoon phase of all relationships and when it dies down people seem to think its over. But love is hard work. Its not always going to be loving gazes and heartfelt notes all the time. But that doesnt mean he doesnt love you. Unless he tells you straight up. Has he ever said he doesnt love you anymore point blank?? Do you think his actions are just that the honeymoon phase is over and you are insecure about that? No, he never said he doesn't love me anymore but he used to say he loves me all the time and then he just suddenly stopped. And as much as I understand that as the relation progressed, people may not be telling each other 100 times a day they love them, I don't remember when was the last time he said it. The only time he says he loves me is when I ask him if he still loves me as he never says it anymore and then he says I do love you. But it's only when I ask him. Last time he said he loves me because he wanted to say it was maybe like 2 years ago And no, I don't feel loved. To me it feels like he may just be used to me, my company, doing nice things together, etc. but it eels more like stuff you do with your friends. You like them, you trust them, you feel good around them and have a good time with them. This is how it feels to me. I can't feel that he loves me and I used to feel that. Link to comment
thealchemist Posted October 29, 2017 Share Posted October 29, 2017 No, he never said he doesn't love me anymore but he used to say he loves me all the time and then he just suddenly stopped. And as much as I understand that as the relation progressed, people may not be telling each other 100 times a day they love them, I don't remember when was the last time he said it. The only time he says he loves me is when I ask him if he still loves me as he never says it anymore and then he says I do love you. But it's only when I ask him. Last time he said he loves me because he wanted to say it was maybe like 2 years ago And no, I don't feel loved. To me it feels like he may just be used to me, my company, doing nice things together, etc. but it eels more like stuff you do with your friends. You like them, you trust them, you feel good around them and have a good time with them. This is how it feels to me. I can't feel that he loves me and I used to feel that. If you think he doesn't love you because he doesn't want to have children now that is messed up. It sounded like you were implying that earlier. I think that is a huge jump and he could just be being honest with you about his change of heart, which isn't easy. This new dialog implies it is for a lot of other reasons. Everyone is different but not saying "I love you" for two years unprovoked is a bad sign. Maybe some guys are like that but that doesn't seem healthy. I say it to my wife and children a lot everyday, that is just how I am. I have friends who aren't as open emotionally and they still say it often enough, at least weekly. Two years is a long time. I will also say that I do know a lot of men will lie about wanting children because that is the best way for them to have a relationship with a female in their age bracket. At work I hear about it from a couple of guys that routinely talk about when they should tell their gfs they don't want kids so they can still date them. Because they dated under the premise thst they wanted to start a family and after about 2 years they have both told their SOs they don't want kids now. Both are still with their SOs but both relationships seem to have gotten pretty bad... Link to comment
25Kathryn Posted October 29, 2017 Author Share Posted October 29, 2017 If you think he doesn't love you because he doesn't want to have children now that is messed up. No, I think that maybe he doesn't want to have kids with me because he doesn't love me. Think he may just like having me around to go ot and do things together but he doesn't love me. Link to comment
thealchemist Posted October 29, 2017 Share Posted October 29, 2017 No, I think that maybe he doesn't want to have kids with me because he doesn't love me. Think he may just like having me around to go ot and do things together but he doesn't love me. Ah i was backwards in my thought. Well if that is the case it is even more paramount to move on. But it is low that he doesn't have the guts to break up with you. Instead tries to make you do the dirty work. If that I'd the case. Thank sucks. Didn't even think of it that way. Link to comment
25Kathryn Posted November 1, 2017 Author Share Posted November 1, 2017 Ah i was backwards in my thought. Well if that is the case it is even more paramount to move on. But it is low that he doesn't have the guts to break up with you. Instead tries to make you do the dirty work. If that I'd the case. Thank sucks. Didn't even think of it that way. I'm can't lift myself up and get out of this situation. I can't leave him. I found myself in a situation when I am very unhappy and I feel I am not loved and every day is full of pain and suffering because of that but I can't... just can't leave. I don't want my live to look like this. I don't want to feel unloved every waken second of my life. How do I find that strength in me to leave? Link to comment
Batya33 Posted November 1, 2017 Share Posted November 1, 2017 I'm can't lift myself up and get out of this situation. I can't leave him. I found myself in a situation when I am very unhappy and I feel I am not loved and every day is full of pain and suffering because of that but I can't... just can't leave. I don't want my live to look like this. I don't want to feel unloved every waken second of my life. How do I find that strength in me to leave? You just do - and it's not can't it's won't. I can imagine how difficult it must be and I can relate. But if you want what you say you want -and make sure you want it badly enough! - you can do this. And do it like ripping off a bandaid and make sure that after it is ripped you have no contact with him. Have plans set up for after like something you like to do -yoga or a movie or volunteering or a trip or a hike to look at leaves, whatever. When my friend ended her engagement I took her to brunch and yoga -she'd never done it. (Only problem was the china at brunch was the pattern she'd chosen for her registry, oops). She met her future husband a year later in her mid-late 30s on a cold, rainy valentine's night -while doing laundry in her apartment building. They got married a year later, two kids, so happy. It can happen that way but she had to be free to meet him first. Link to comment
Pto29538 Posted November 2, 2017 Share Posted November 2, 2017 I'm can't lift myself up and get out of this situation. I can't leave him. I found myself in a situation when I am very unhappy and I feel I am not loved and every day is full of pain and suffering because of that but I can't... just can't leave. I don't want my live to look like this. I don't want to feel unloved every waken second of my life. How do I find that strength in me to leave? You should do a list of the pros and cons of leaving and based on your thread there seems to be a lot more pros . You want to give yourselves the chance to have children and you don’t feel he loves you . Anytime you feel weak in your decision you just have to think of your reasons for this decision . Do you want the look back when you are 50 and Wish you had left in your 30s while you still. Had the chance to have children? Regarding the having children thing you are hoping to have them with a wonderful man who you truely love . Very few people have it all . There are plenty of women and men who hit a certain age and married who they were with just because the time was right to have children but that doesn’t mean the person was truely right for them or they have a fullfullling and amazing relationship. Others held out too long hoping to meet this amazing man only to be doing IVF into their 40s or for that man never to have arrived . We all know couple who did meet and having amazing relationships and kids but not everyone has this fairy tale story . So we all need to see what the priority is for us . If it’s to have children then maybe we will have to broaden our minds and freeze our eggs or go it alone . If our priority is meeting an amazing man that we are truely suited to then we need to focus on that . Maybe all will fall into place and we will get the fairy tale ending but if not we need to open up to plan B Link to comment
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