Worrying it's getting to late for me to ever get married and have kids

[25Kathryn]

I just read how its never a good time to break up. i can relate to that. But no time is a good time. Sometimes its like a bandaid and you have to just rip it off because u may build some nice memories over the holidays / birthdays and it will only get harder. Ugh Ive been there. Wish u luck with this.

 

I hurt so much inside.

[Batya33]

I started dating my now husband again right before I turned 39. We started trying to conceive when I was 40.5. We got married and became parents at age 42. It was a great deal to do on one year - have a baby, get married,move away for the first time and be unemployed for the first time in basically 20 years. Drastic and huge life changes. And yes I did it at full speed because of my age. That was 9 years ago orvso and it worked out very well. Often I crave sleep, coffee and Nutella above all else except for maybe pajamas and fuzzy socks when I used to have multiple nights on the town eating at different restaurants, going dancing, meeting cool and sometimes famous people and having more than 15 minutes of fame myself. And I have no regrets - felt like I won the lottery.

 

Do what you need to do to be the right person to find the right person. No guarantees but it is not too late at all. I didn’t have the opportunity to freee my eggs but you do so I suggest you save up and do that just in case. And end this go nowhere relationship asap. I ended a relationship like that and started dating my husband about 7 months later. Good luck!!

[25Kathryn]

I started dating my now husband again right before I turned 39. We started trying to conceive when I was 40.5. We got married and became parents at age 42. It was a great deal to do on one year - have a baby, get married,move away for the first time and be unemployed for the first time in basically 20 years. Drastic and huge life changes. And yes I did it at full speed because of my age. That was 9 years ago orvso and it worked out very well. Often I crave sleep, coffee and Nutella above all else except for maybe pajamas and fuzzy socks when I used to have multiple nights on the town eating at different restaurants, going dancing, meeting cool and sometimes famous people and having more than 15 minutes of fame myself. And I have no regrets - felt like I won the lottery.

 

Do what you need to do to be the right person to find the right person. No guarantees but it is not too late at all. I didn’t have the opportunity to freee my eggs but you do so I suggest you save up and do that just in case. And end this go nowhere relationship asap. I ended a relationship like that and started dating my husband about 7 months later. Good luck!!

 

I hoped that things would get better, that the love and connection we once had will come back and things will be great as they used to. But I know it's not going to work.

[mandeelove]

I hoped that things would get better, that the love and connection we once had will come back and things will be great as they used to. But I know it's not going to work.

True but even if you had the perfect relationship, he still doesnt want kids or marriage right? So even if things were great, u still dont get what u want. Very tough situation. I feel for you. Ive been in that spot once or twice. I know where ur coming from.

[25Kathryn]

True but even if you had the perfect relationship, he still doesnt want kids or marriage right? So even if things were great, u still dont get what u want. Very tough situation. I feel for you. Ive been in that spot once or twice. I know where ur coming from.

 

And how did you manage to finish those relationships? How did you find your strength to start from the beginning?

[mandeelove]

And how did you manage to finish those relationships? How did you find your strength to start from the beginning?

All those relationships were ended because the guys ended it with me . I would put my needs aside for them. I put them first. They didnt appreciate me. Theres things I let slide and red flags I ignored just bcuz I had hope. So Id be miserable and then they would find one thing not making them happy and they would leave . What I learned is that its ok to put yourself first and be happy because when people are unhappy , they have no issue leaving us . Id be scared to leave, or have fear of being alone or fear that Id hurt them, so I stayed longer than I should, but they leave when it suits them. So never be afraid of choosing happiness. Men do it all the time .

 

My most recent breakup was a good example too. I stayed longer than I should knowing pretty well that nothing would change and hed never be the guy for me long term. I stayed though bcuz I had hopes and also bcuz I am fearful Im getting older with less chance for having kids. He was at the age it could of worked.

 

Its not easy. You have to just muster up strength. Im not in the best place. Im still in a bad mindstate but I figure either waste years in a no win situation or waste years trying to find a good match. Both are risky but the second option is more hopeful. What I found is misery seems worse when ur in a bad relationship. Its worsethan being alone.

[itsallgrand]

Things always seem worse when we are on the wrong path for ourselves. I can't make you any promises. You aren't happy in your relationship though, it's taking you away from what you want. That's a good enough reason to end it.

Meeting the right person and marriage can come at any time. No restrictions on that. The only restriction is time as far as being able to physically conceive and carry a baby to term. And even that is not precisely known- you could conceive later than you think, or you may find out tomorrow you can't.

 

I'll tell you this though. When you are on the right track, having moved around the obstacles you can, and in the direction you want to go, it's easier to see hope and peace about it. It doesn't take it all away, but it's easier to find the joy in what you have and possibilities.

 

It took me til later 30s to be the right person for what I want, to meet someone I want to have a family with. It may be a little different as I made my peace about maybe not being a biological mom a long time ago ( I had a lot to sort through personally to be the person who'd feel comfortable with that choice , to be the mom I knew I could be). But I always wanted to be a mom, in the context of a loving long term relationship. A family.

 

You aren't alone. How many women - and men, though of course it's a little different - have gone through something like this? So many. You are going to make it through this.

[25Kathryn]

All those relationships were ended because the guys ended it with me . I would put my needs aside for them. I put them first. They didnt appreciate me. Theres things I let slide and red flags I ignored just bcuz I had hope. So Id be miserable and then they would find one thing not making them happy and they would leave . What I learned is that its ok to put yourself first and be happy because when people are unhappy , they have no issue leaving us . Id be scared to leave, or have fear of being alone or fear that Id hurt them, so I stayed longer than I should, but they leave when it suits them. So never be afraid of choosing happiness. Men do it all the time .

 

This is so true. Every single word. This is exactly what my current situations looks like now and how I feel.

[25Kathryn]

Things always seem worse when we are on the wrong path for ourselves. I can't make you any promises. You aren't happy in your relationship though, it's taking you away from what you want. That's a good enough reason to end it.

Meeting the right person and marriage can come at any time. No restrictions on that. The only restriction is time as far as being able to physically conceive and carry a baby to term. And even that is not precisely known- you could conceive later than you think, or you may find out tomorrow you can't.

of a loving long term relationship. A family.

 

Looks like I have a very difficult time coming. Need to finally make that decision and it will be the most difficult time for me. Not sure I'm strong enough to go through it.

[Batya33]

Looks like I have a very difficult time coming. Need to finally make that decision and it will be the most difficult time for me. Not sure I'm strong enough to go through it.

 

So, all else equal, light a fire -or at least a burning ember -under yourself if you want to conceive and carry a baby to term. Earlier is better all else equal (meaning 20 somethings can easily have fertility issues while a 40 something might not, etc). Get some kind of exam from your ob-gyn to test hormone levels and consider freezing your eggs. I had a great pregnancy but it was emotionally stressful because after 40 it's high-risk and I had age-related complications after (at least I was told it was partially age-related) - I was lucky and it was unusual to get pregnant naturally at that age (first time pregnant).

 

I would be proactive about meeting people -including women and married people - be out there so that people know you are single and can introduce you to quality people -people who would potentially be a good match for you. I introduce people all the time and have been doing so for over 30 years - and I can tell you that while I don't care if the person is a good friend of mine, I am selective about who I introduce and if a person acts flaky with me or especially about who I introduce her to or him to (meaning if I'm told that geography is not an issue I don't want to hear after I go through the effort to make the introduction that now it's suddenly an issue. I've been set up many times as well.

 

Happy to PM with you as well.

[thealchemist]

It's my 35th b-day coming soon and I'm getting depressed

I'm worrying that I'm not getting any younger and my chances of finding the right guy, getting married and having kids are coming to an end.

 

I've been in serious relationships but they all ended and most of them badly.

My current relationship of 4 years is coming to an end too, it actually is already over. He already has kids and doesn't want or even can have more and I've always loved kids and wanted to have my own. And a husband and a proper family.

 

I will not have that with him and I'm not happy with him any more, we're arguing more and more and it just doesn't make sense to stay together. I want to feel loved and appreciated.

 

I feel like I'm getting too old to even hope this is ever going to happen to me. I believe in love and don't just want to marry the first next guy that comes to my life. And those things take time so if I ever meet anyone else, and it's getting more and more difficult now, it wouldn't happen any time soon anyway. And I don't even know if I'll meet someone else and even if, if that relationship would last. So even if that ever happens, I would be even older so I probably have to get used to the thought of never getting married and not having my own kids.

 

That makes me feel so sad not sure how to cope with that pain.

Did you know he didn't want anymore kids when you two started dating?

 

I feel like a lot of people try to be what the other wants instead of what they are. If you aren't selfish enough with your own needs to be happy no relationship is going to make you happy. You will just be resentful eventually because you aren't getting what you want and the guy isn't going to magically start giving you what you want spontaneously.

 

If you want kids don't touch a guy that gives you any responce other than "me too" in reference to having kids together.

[25Kathryn]

Did you know he didn't want anymore kids when you two started dating?

 

If you want kids don't touch a guy that gives you any responce other than "me too" in reference to having kids together.

 

He was always saying he wanted kids with me. Until a few months ago when we had a serious argument and than he then said he doesn't want to have more kind any more. All those years, the time we were together was mostly great but we did have some arguments but still I knew that whatever happens, at least he loves me and wants a family with me. I could doubt other things but never that... until that one time recently when he told me he changed his mind. Since then things just started to go down the hill very quickly.

[thealchemist]

He was always saying he wanted kids with me. Until a few months ago when we had a serious argument and than he then said he doesn't want to have more kind any more. All those years, the time we were together was mostly great but we did have some arguments but still I knew that whatever happens, at least he loves me and wants a family with me. I could doubt other things but never that... until that one time recently when he told me he changed his mind. Since then things just started to go down the hill very quickly.

That sucks. It really stinks when you invest so much and it gets negated so easily.

 

Just making sure you are very blunt to keep people from wasting your time but that doesn't seem to be your case.

[25Kathryn]

 

Just making sure you are very blunt to keep people from wasting your time but that doesn't seem to be your case.

 

Can you explain that?

[annie24]

Can you explain that?

 

I think the alchemist means (but I'm guessing here), is that you should have been crystal clear that you want children - and if during the argument he said that he no longer wanted children, you should have told him right then it was a deal breaker. Or been very clear earlier on in your relationship that you want kids.

 

Obviously, we weren't there for your 4 years of conversations with your bf, so I don't know what you said and didn't say, but did you tell him once he said he didn't want kids that that was a deal breaker for you?

[thealchemist]

Can you explain that?

I know of some woman in similiar situations as you. I try to tell them that when trying to find a spouse don't act like you are "indifferent" to the prospects of wanting to make a family.

 

They don't want to scare a guy away so for many dates and even early parts of the relationship they don't flat out tell a guy what they want. So they spend a couple months to a year with a guy and then they find out he doesn't even want kids.

 

He never lied or deceived them anymore than the woman did to the man. But if they were both upfront about it from the start they wouldn't have wasted their time on each other since they have such different relationship goals.

 

I am just advocating the importance of telling your prospective mate your relationship/life goals very early in your discovery phase so no one wastes time.

 

I didn't go further with this line of thought because it didn't appear to be your case. After you said that your boyfriend changed his mind it was obviously not your issue.

[annie24]

This is exactly how I feel. There 's always something that makes it a bad time to break up

 

If he spends a lot of money and buys you a nice present on his birthday, it's kind of not so nice to break up with him right after that. If you know now you don't want to be together, better to break up before your birthday, before he spends some time and money on you. Make plans with your girlfriends instead.

[Batya33]

I know of some woman in similiar situations as you. I try to tell them that when trying to find a spouse don't act like you are "indifferent" to the prospects of wanting to make a family.

 

They don't want to scare a guy away so for many dates and even early parts of the relationship they don't flat out tell a guy what they want. So they spend a couple months to a year with a guy and then they find out he doesn't even want kids.

 

He never lied or deceived them anymore than the woman did to the man. But if they were both upfront about it from the start they wouldn't have wasted their time on each other since they have such different relationship goals.

 

I am just advocating the importance of telling your prospective mate your relationship/life goals very early in your discovery phase so no one wastes time.

 

I didn't go further with this line of thought because it didn't appear to be your case. After you said that your boyfriend changed his mind it was obviously not your issue.

 

Completely agree and also need to balance that with not giving the impression that you're just looking for a baby daddy.

[25Kathryn]

I think the alchemist means (but I'm guessing here), is that you should have been crystal clear that you want children - and if during the argument he said that he no longer wanted children, you should have told him right then it was a deal breaker. Or been very clear earlier on in your relationship that you want kids.

 

Obviously, we weren't there for your 4 years of conversations with your bf, so I don't know what you said and didn't say, but did you tell him once he said he didn't want kids that that was a deal breaker for you?

 

Yes, he knew from the beginning how much I love kids and that I definitely want to have my own. And with him. He said that too. And yes, I did tell him that I can't stay with him if he doesn't want to have kids as I really want it. But we live together - I was looking for a place for myself to move out but that takes a while and in that time the things between us calmed down, we go out quite a lot to the cinema, football and eat out a lot - we have our favourite restaurant where we go one a week for almost 4 years now. so think he things that all is "fine" now, that we are still together... or maybe that's no what he thinks, maybe he thinks that at least he can try to keep spending nice time with me until I find something and move out. Maybe.

 

Don't know what's in his head but for me it's a dead relationship, even though I still love him very much and it hurts a lot to let him go. Maybe I should have move out straightaway but it's not as easy as some would think. I need a place that I can afford, where I can do my work in peace and without any interruptions - I work from home. I couldn't just pack my stuff and go to live under a bridge. That's why I've been spending a few hours a day for the last 2 weeks applying for jobs and keeping an eye on flats. I want to move out but once I feel confident I won't have to beg him to help me financially or in any other way. Once I am out, I do not want to stay in touch with him as I never do and that would keep destroying me.

 

So maybe he thinks I calmed down and we are still in a relationship... for me we are not but yes, since we still live together, we still talk and do things together. But guess it's just for a company now. I don't see it as dating or having a couple time any more.

[25Kathryn]

Completely agree and also need to balance that with not giving the impression that you're just looking for a baby daddy.

 

I want to have kids but as I mentioned before, I want to have tem ONLY with a man I love. I don't want to go out and get pregnant with the first guy that seems eager enough to go to bed with me. I want first the spark to be there, then the love, and then family. But I have to love the guy first and know he loves me and that we are on the same page. the thing is, even when I move out and not stay in touch with him, I will still love him and it will take me a long time to be able to get over him enough to at least consider falling in love with someone else... and that means my time will be even more limited

[25Kathryn]

If he spends a lot of money and buys you a nice present on his birthday, it's kind of not so nice to break up with him right after that. If you know now you don't want to be together, better to break up before your birthday, before he spends some time and money on you. Make plans with your girlfriends instead.

 

It's not a present in a material sense.. it's something I've always wanted to try. So it's an experience, something we'll do together rather than a gift that I will be able to put in my room and keep. And he already booked it and paid for it. And I know about it because he told me about it.

[thealchemist]

Well I am a 30 yo male. Just so you know where I am coming from.

 

If you want a LTR partner to start a family with you have to start with a guy of sufficient quality. Just finding a person who is worth the effort of STARTING a relationship with is not the highest chance given human individuality and uniqueness.

 

It typically requires a LOT of first dates or even predates (coffee meet up type thing). It is a numbers game. You really need to remove your emotional attachment in this phase.

 

A lot of people can't take this because it is hard. But just because you really like someone doesn't mean you should even give them a second look if they have a very different life planned for themselves than you want with them.

 

I feel like you shouldn't even delve too much into any relationship unless you both want the same big pictures. Don't ever ever EVER plan on a person to change.

 

Now if this doesn't give any better results i would look into your required things in a man and see if you are being realistic in "what you want" vs "what you offer".

 

I have heard people go on about what they are looking for in a spouse and just sitting back and thinking they have such unrealistic standards that they will always be alone.

 

Not saying it is you. Just that this is a very large ranging issue and some holistic assessments maybe required to try to see what might help you.

[25Kathryn]

They don't want to scare a guy away so for many dates and even early parts of the relationship they don't flat out tell a guy what they want. So they spend a couple months to a year with a guy and then they find out he doesn't even want kids.

 

The strange thing is that now I know exactly what I want in live and what I don't want. I know how important a loving relationship is to me, as well as having kids with the person I love. I know what I like in man and what I want my man and hopefully future husband to be like. (He ticks all those boxes - apart from, as I recently found out, getting married and having more kids )

 

When a guy tries to chat me up I can easily tell if I would see myself with him or not and I am "wise" enough to know better than to start a new relationship if I can see at the very beginning at least one red flag. I know that if I were properly single now and if I met someone but if there were no spark and things I don't want, I wouldn't waste a single minute on him... unless it would be only friendship he would want from me.

 

The problem is, if... but now I can't free myself from that love I still have for my man and don't even have that chance to make new choices.

[thealchemist]

If you know what you want you are better off than the majority of people trying to find a partner.

 

I say that it is just a numbers game for you and you need to start going through some number until you get your number 1.

 

As far as your current situation... I cant even imagine how do deal with it. Loving someone who has just given you information that takes everything out of your future you wanted with them.

 

But if you stay with someone like that I imagine eventually resentment will implode your relationship.

 

But your best chance to have the life you want is to end things ASAP and get your healing over with then jump back into your search.

[thealchemist]

The strange thing is that now I know exactly what I want in live and what I don't want. I know how important a loving relationship is to me, as well as having kids with the person I love. I know what I like in man and what I want my man and hopefully future husband to be like. (He ticks all those boxes - apart from, as I recently found out, getting married and having more kids )

 

When a guy tries to chat me up I can easily tell if I would see myself with him or not and I am "wise" enough to know better than to start a new relationship if I can see at the very beginning at least one red flag. I know that if I were properly single now and if I met someone but if there were no spark and things I don't want, I wouldn't waste a single minute on him... unless it would be only friendship he would want from me.

 

The problem is, if... but now I can't free myself from that love I still have for my man and don't even have that chance to make new choices.

If you know what you want you are better off than the majority of people trying to find a partner.

 

I say that it is just a numbers game for you and you need to start going through some number until you get your number 1.

 

As far as your current situation... I cant even imagine how do deal with it. Loving someone who has just given you information that takes everything out of your future you wanted with them.

 

But if you stay with someone like that I imagine eventually resentment will implode your relationship.

 

But your best chance to have the life you want is to end things ASAP and get your healing over with then jump back into your search.