Worrying it's getting to late for me to ever get married and have kids

[25Kathryn]

It's my 35th b-day coming soon and I'm getting depressed

I'm worrying that I'm not getting any younger and my chances of finding the right guy, getting married and having kids are coming to an end.

 

I've been in serious relationships but they all ended and most of them badly.

My current relationship of 4 years is coming to an end too, it actually is already over. He already has kids and doesn't want or even can have more and I've always loved kids and wanted to have my own. And a husband and a proper family.

 

I will not have that with him and I'm not happy with him any more, we're arguing more and more and it just doesn't make sense to stay together. I want to feel loved and appreciated.

 

I feel like I'm getting too old to even hope this is ever going to happen to me. I believe in love and don't just want to marry the first next guy that comes to my life. And those things take time so if I ever meet anyone else, and it's getting more and more difficult now, it wouldn't happen any time soon anyway. And I don't even know if I'll meet someone else and even if, if that relationship would last. So even if that ever happens, I would be even older so I probably have to get used to the thought of never getting married and not having my own kids.

 

That makes me feel so sad not sure how to cope with that pain.

[indea08]

Have you considered using a sperm donor and having kids on your own? You have the rest of your life to find a man, but your window for kids will close. If having kids is something that is important to you, you should at least consider it!!

[25Kathryn]

Have you considered using a sperm donor and having kids on your own? You have the rest of your life to find a man, but your window for kids will close. If having kids is something that is important to you, you should at least consider it!!

 

No, I don't want to do that. It is important for me to have kids BUT at the same time I want to have them with someone I love. And I want my kids to have a father that will also want them and love them.

[red chilli]

Yeah ,l respect that good on you.People having kids alone and going against nature like that make me sick because really it's not meant to happen if that's what they do to have a child and it's not a family . How is the child gonna feel and go through , knowing they was a from a doner and growing like that and with no father.or proper family.

 

But , you do still have time , 40's is very common now, it could still happen, hate to say it but you gotta get out of what your in now though, as soon as possible but you know that l know.

And don't start up with anyone else unless it's all right for you and your head over heals in love and you both want the same things or there goes another god knows how many years.

It's best for anyone to hold out for that right person but for you it's extra important now if you want marriage and a family.

But hey , it's not too late.

[BeenThereB4]

I got married at 39, pregnant at 40, and gave birth to our son at 41. It's not too late for you, but you should start looking at any choices you make from now on and ask yourself if what you're doing is bringing you closer to or farther away from being a wife and mother. If it's bringing you farther away, stop doing whatever it is.

 

I ended up changing careers in order to have a schedule that gave me more opportunity to meet others. I made sure to only date men who were open to marriage and children. Trust me, the men who are looking will be very open in telling you so. It's not as if you are asking if they are willing to do these things with you, necessarily. You just have to find out if that is what they are looking for in general. If they aren't, you don't bother dating them at all.

 

In these later years, men will completely understand you being honest that you are looking to start a family. They, too, will be at a stage where they don't want to casually go with the flow. The big thing is not putting pressure that they (or you) will be the one to fulfill the dream. Once, you both establish that you are marriage- and family-minded in general, you proceed to get to know each other to find out if you are compatible or not. You will know this much more quickly than you did in your early dating years and won't waste too much time on relationships that don't work.

 

If you have the money, you should freeze your eggs now. This will give you a little more leeway in finding a mate, and you won't feel as pressured by The Clock. I didn't have the money to do this and I was really stressed out that I didn't, but I still managed to get pregnant quite easily. But, if you can, do it.

 

Also, you may have to have a more open mind about some things. I was deadset against a man that had been previously married or already had kids. At this age, a lot of men are divorced with kids. But, so many of these men are very open to the idea of marrying again and they are great guys. My husband was previously married and was very eager to get married again and start a family.

 

Make sure that you have everything set up so you will not have to rely on a man. This is a lot easier to do later in life. Have a home large enough to start a family, even if it's an apartment. Have a job with health insurance, so you will be able to afford a pregnancy. Make enough money that you can take care of yourself, a child, and a husband, if need be. Be whole and complete within yourself and lots of men will be interested.

 

Have a very healthy, youthful appearance. This will signal to men that you care about yourself and that you are healthy enough to have a baby.

 

Maintain an active social life. You may meet your future husband through friends. I did. Also, good friends are wonderful for morale. They will remind you that you are a great catch.

 

Take more chances and ask guys out. I was extremely shy and looking back on things I let a lot of great guys slip through my fingers because I was too shy and insecure. You don't need to be brazen. Just project that you are confident enough to show interest in the men who attract you. Things may not work out, but you will definitely feel more confident in the long run. Confidence is very attractive.

 

Be happy and enjoy your life. Truly enjoy your life. When you are enjoying your life you won't be able to spend every moment worrying about the future. It will be in one of these happy moments, that you may meet someone who is happy too.

 

Good luck!

[fabact]

I would suggest trying to go for men without kids. I know I'll get blasted for it on this forum but my experience has been that if a man already has kids, chances are they dont want more even if they say they do. It happens to me. I'm so sorry to say it but all the men I've also talked to honestly will tell me it's just harder to have kids again. So while I definitely think a man who is divorced with no kids has a good chance of wanting them, I don't think of they have a child/kids they will want to again expect to make you happy and sometimes that's not even reason enough and then you've lost another year or two figuring out if they are a good partner. Of course there are exceptions to everything absolutely everything. Just talking odds/probabilities.

[25Kathryn]

I'm getting stressed that it will be too late soon.

I know that my only chance is once I am single again. I am working on it - we live together and we actually split up already. This is when I decided to look for a place on my own so I can move out and free myself from that unhealthy situation. But then things got better between us and I'm not sure if he thinks we are still in a relationship or not.

I also decided I needed a better job so I don't have to worry that I won't be able to live on my own and I want to be sure I can do it without anyone's help.

So I'm looking for a better job now and at the same time checking out new places to move out. Hopefully I can find something soon.

 

But the problem is that I still love him. It's just I know we won't get marry and won't have kids. And that makes me want to cry. I can't be happy knowing that.

How do I even leave him when I still love him?

[annie24]

My mom got married at 36 and had me at 37. I think there is still time for you. Someone else brought up having a sperm donor. Or else you can adopt on your own. You can also volunteer as a big sister and try to make a positive impact on a child's life that way. I know how you feel - I never thought I would be single at 37, but here we are. It's not a terrible thing, either, to be honest. It's nice to have someone, but it's also nice to have your own freedom to do what you want to do and not have obligations.

 

Hang in there. I hope once you feel better after the breakup that you meet the right person for you.

[mandeelove]

Hello. My sis in law married my brother at 40 and just gave birth at 43 to a healthy baby. If you want a hopeful story that is one. Before that she wasnt even close to finding a guy. Then my brother popped up. He committed in 8 months! I am also up there in age having concerns like you already. (Early 30s)

 

What I will say is I understand your sadness. I get that too. And its hard to not enter into a negative mindset when all your relationships failed. Thats how I feel. So Ill just try to give you positivity.

 

Id tell you what people keep telling me. Be the best version of u to attract the greatest partner. Id also say, start now living healthy if you dont already. Eating right, fitness, vitamins etc. Whatever health means to you. This way even if you are older and meet a man, your body is in top health . My sis in law lived like that. Luckily she had higher chances to conceive after 40 because of her health regimine.

 

I think you are still young. You can easily meet a man who wants a baby and marriage like u do. The whole dating process wouldnt take years bcuz men of a certain age sometimes engage quicker. They been there done that. They know what they want. Not all, but alot of men do. You just have to find him and you will.

 

I wouldnt tell you to do a sperm donor. I wouldnt do this myself because I want the whole package. But just have faith and stay positive. Also, it is expensive, but there is a freezing egg option.

 

I wish you luck and please know, there are alot of us in your boat. Keep having faith.

[mandeelove]

I also wanted to say this is a time to get your finances in order. So you will be ready when that moment happens. This is currently what Im doing just in case I never marry etc. Good luck

[yatsue]

You need to take having kids soon out of the equation and focus on finding a good partner first. Have you tried freezing your eggs? It prolongs the longevity and you can have children more effectively above age 40. Being 35, you are a good candidate for this.

 

Besides, as a worker in the health field, I see a significant amount of women who conceive above age 40. The cutoff seems to be just below 50, but I've even seen one conceive at 69!

[25Kathryn]

My mom got married at 36 and had me at 37. I think there is still time for you. Someone else brought up having a sperm donor. Or else you can adopt on your own. You can also volunteer as a big sister and try to make a positive impact on a child's life that way. I know how you feel - I never thought I would be single at 37, but here we are. It's not a terrible thing, either, to be honest. It's nice to have someone, but it's also nice to have your own freedom to do what you want to do and not have obligations. QUOTE]

 

I want to have kids but just wanted to clarify that it's not just about that. I want to have kids with a man that I love and who loves me back and I want to have my own kids - I want to feel a life growing inside me, to be a part of me. I have also been thinking that I would like to adopt a child but not to satisfy my desire to have kids, but to give someone a chance of having love and family.

 

BUT I DO want to have my own kids too. And it's not only about having kids or having my own kids but about having them with my husband whom I love.

[25Kathryn]

Hello. My sis in law married my brother at 40 and just gave birth at 43 to a healthy baby. If you want a hopeful story that is one. Before that she wasnt even close to finding a guy. Then my brother popped up. He committed in 8 months! I am also up there in age having concerns like you already. (Early 30s)

 

What I will say is I understand your sadness. I get that too. And its hard to not enter into a negative mindset when all your relationships failed. Thats how I feel. So Ill just try to give you positivity.

 

Id tell you what people keep telling me. Be the best version of u to attract the greatest partner. Id also say, start now living healthy if you dont already. Eating right, fitness, vitamins etc. Whatever health means to you. This way even if you are older and meet a man, your body is in top health . My sis in law lived like that. Luckily she had higher chances to conceive after 40 because of her health regimine.

 

I think you are still young. You can easily meet a man who wants a baby and marriage like u do. The whole dating process wouldnt take years bcuz men of a certain age sometimes engage quicker. They been there done that. They know what they want. Not all, but alot of men do. You just have to find him and you will.

 

I wouldnt tell you to do a sperm donor. I wouldnt do this myself because I want the whole package. But just have faith and stay positive. Also, it is expensive, but there is a freezing egg option.

 

I wish you luck and please know, there are alot of us in your boat. Keep having faith.

 

Thanks for this reply, it makes me feel a bit better. yes, I want the whole package too. As I said in my other reply, I have been thinking about adopting a child but to help someone and not as a replacement because I can't have my own kids.

 

I want a loving husband that I will love with all my heart too, my own kids - I want to have this amazing experience of feeling a new life growing in me, and everything else that comes with it.

 

I am living healthy, I love running and I go to the gym several times a day. I eat healthy and drink very rarely. Don't smoke. I'm taking care of myself. It's just I haven't been happy for a while now. I mean, I have friends and quite well developed social life, I love chatting to people, make jokes, etc. I am a happy person when I'm out with my friends or hen I chat to strangers. But then I go back home and remember that my relationship has no future and that I may never have my own family and I'm getting sad.

 

I'm not miserable and no one could tell that being such a bubbly and positive person, deep down I am unhappy.

 

And as I said, I still love him but I have to leave him but don't know how I can find that strength in me to leave him if I still love him.

[25Kathryn]

Also, just to clarify that we had a serious argument about 3 weeks ago - this is when I started to look for a new job and a new place on my own - but it looks like he has now calmed down and he thinks that we are still in a relationship. To be honest, it's difficult for me to say if we are still together as a couple or not. From him behaviour he may be thinking that it was only a nasty argument and that things are now back to normal, but something dies inside me then and I just can't see a future of this relationship any more.

[annie24]

Probably time to tell him it's over for good and that you two are going to part ways.

[BeenThereB4]

You will love the man who gives you a lifetime commitment and whose child you carry, birth and raise together far more than you love this guy. It may be hard to believe right now, but it's true. He is out there. You just have to be willing to let go of what you don't want in order to be available for what you do want.

[25Kathryn]

Probably time to tell him it's over for good and that you two are going to part ways.

My birthday is in about a week. We were planning to spend it together. I can't and don't want to have this conversation with him now. And then what, do I break up with him a day after my b-day? or two? or a week after? Then Christmas is coming. Do I leave him before that, during or after? It's a difficult time to do it and I'm not really sure I want to. I just know that I want marriage and kids and this is never going to happen with him.

[annie24]

My birthday is in about a week. We were planning to spend it together. I can't and don't want to have this conversation with him now. And then what, do I break up with him a day after my b-day? or two? or a week after? Then Christmas is coming. Do I leave him before that, during or after? It's a difficult time to do it and I'm not really sure I want to. I just know that I want marriage and kids and this is never going to happen with him.

 

why not just tell him tomorrow? and you can plan a birthday with your friends. if you want kids and marriage and it's not going to happen with him, then sooner rather than later is the time to break up.

[25Kathryn]

You will love the man who gives you a lifetime commitment and whose child you carry, birth and raise together far more than you love this guy. It may be hard to believe right now, but it's true. He is out there. You just have to be willing to let go of what you don't want in order to be available for what you do want.

 

I know you are right, at least about that I will be happier without him. But I just don't feel like I'm in that place yet.

[25Kathryn]

why not just tell him tomorrow? and you can plan a birthday with your friends. if you want kids and marriage and it's not going to happen with him, then sooner rather than later is the time to break up.

 

And do I make myself even more miserable for my birthday? I will be crying for the next few days or even weeks straight. I don't want to spend my birthday crying. I wouldn't be able to enjoy it at all. Now at least I have a chance not to cry on my birthday and somewhat enjoy it. We'll do nice things, we're going away for a couple of days and have some nice plans too. I'll be celebrating with my friends later but was planning to spend the actual day with him.

[annie24]

And do I make myself even more miserable for my birthday? I will be crying for the next few days or even weeks straight. I don't want to spend my birthday crying. I wouldn't be able to enjoy it at all. Now at least I have a chance not to cry on my birthday and somewhat enjoy it. We'll do nice things, we're going away for a couple of days and have some nice plans too. I'll be celebrating with my friends later but was planning to spend the actual day with him.

 

what i don't want to see you do is be in a situation where you then feel badly to break up until after your birthday, then after thanksgiving, then after christmas, then after new year's, etc.... If you guys already had a huge blow out fight - why make up and then smooth things over 'temporarily'?

[25Kathryn]

what i don't want to see you do is be in a situation where you then feel badly to break up until after your birthday, then after thanksgiving, then after christmas, then after new year's, etc.... If you guys already had a huge blow out fight - why make up and then smooth things over 'temporarily'?

 

This is exactly how I feel. There 's always something that makes it a bad time to break up

[mandeelove]

Thanks for this reply, it makes me feel a bit better. yes, I want the whole package too. As I said in my other reply, I have been thinking about adopting a child but to help someone and not as a replacement because I can't have my own kids.

 

I want a loving husband that I will love with all my heart too, my own kids - I want to have this amazing experience of feeling a new life growing in me, and everything else that comes with it.

 

I am living healthy, I love running and I go to the gym several times a day. I eat healthy and drink very rarely. Don't smoke. I'm taking care of myself. It's just I haven't been happy for a while now. I mean, I have friends and quite well developed social life, I love chatting to people, make jokes, etc. I am a happy person when I'm out with my friends or hen I chat to strangers. But then I go back home and remember that my relationship has no future and that I may never have my own family and I'm getting sad.

 

I'm not miserable and no one could tell that being such a bubbly and positive person, deep down I am unhappy.

 

And as I said, I still love him but I have to leave him but don't know how I can find that strength in me to leave him if I still love him.

I understand because I want the same. A loving husband first... my own kids second. Thats how I see it too. I would not have a kid without that .

 

Thats good that you live a healthy life already and a good set of friends !. If you are unhappy with your partner though, the best thing is to figure that out no matter how hard it is. You also have to realize that even if you love him, this isnt a situation for you and as much as you are sad now, you will only grow more sad if you stay and waste more years. Theres a possibility to break up with him and not find a good man for years. But thats a better risk to take rather than stay in an unhappy place that will never give you the marriage or kids you want. Also if you settle you will become miserable.

[mandeelove]

I just read how its never a good time to break up. i can relate to that. But no time is a good time. Sometimes its like a bandaid and you have to just rip it off because u may build some nice memories over the holidays / birthdays and it will only get harder. Ugh Ive been there. Wish u luck with this.

[25Kathryn]

Also if you settle you will become miserable.

 

I already feel like I already became more miserable than I ever was. Even if I laugh and smile, I feel sad inside.