How do we get through this?

[CristieSmiles]

My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost four years. He has been incredible and stepped up to the plate with my nine year old daughter. We also have a 6 month old baby girl. This past weekend we almost broke up. He was asked to be the best man at his best friends wedding and we had the biggest fight. We had to use the money we had for my engagement ring to make this trip happen so I was very bitter. I felt robbed and I was taking jabs at the wedding. I felt if I showed I was angry with him then I wouldn't break down. I was also having anxiety since I was alone and didn't know anyone. Long story short, I broke down and cried. He told me to stop being a baby and get the f*** out. So immediately I called my dad to pick me up and walked out of that wedding crying and alone as he watched. According to him he went looking for me after ten minutes but I was already gone. I made the mistake of going to the bar, crying with my best friend and thinking hey, I should go back and apologize so we can enjoy the night together. Since we haven't had one with the baby. Well I went back and that blew up in my face. I went to apologize and he was just so furious. He told me I had made my bed and I needed to lie in it. Then he had the bride and groom tell me I need to leave. Which I did immediately once again. I broke down, I cried all night, and waited all night to see if he would walk through the front door. He said he didn't know if he could go to my dads.. we live three hours away so it wasn't our home. He called me the next morning crying. I told him that I missed him and wanted my family back. Now almost a week later, I still feel hurt. I feel like I wasn't a priority. I know he loves me.. but I don't feel it completely because he didn't try to talk it out that night.. he didn't chase after me. To top it all off, the groom called him and instead of asking if everything is okay.. he offered him a place to stay. Unlike his other friends who checked up on us. I feel like he put his best friends needs before me. I get it, he wanted those three days and I should have gave it to him..how can we move past this? He has never treated me this way and I'm still shocked that everything went the way it went.

[Witch]

You are not entitled to a ring.

You are not entitled to be chased.

You are an adult.

There are two people to a relationship.

Just because you run does not mean people HAVE to chase you.

 

Look, I get why you're upset. I think everyone here can sympathize with you as to why you were upset about this whole thing, like yeah, you were looking forward to something and it kinda got put on the back burner. But for what? His best friends wedding, that's what. That was a possibly once in a lifetime thing he was asked to experience. To be the best man to his best friends wedding. To share that bond with someone, to be asked to be someones best man, I mean think of it if you were in his shoes. If your best girl friend asked you to be her maid of honor - what would you do? Money is expendable, it's spendable, it's earnable. Getting an engagement ring is not a once-in-a-life-time opportunity. That might just be the only wedding his friend has.

 

Furthermore the whole idea of "he didn't chase me" is really such a bad mindset. Think of how he feels? There are two people in a relationship, and I'm not trying to be mean, but you're really revolving this around you way too much. You just caused a scene in the middle of his best friends wedding, a LIFE EVENT, over something materialistic then expected him to chase you to the ends of the earth for what? To apologize for realizing the importance of major life events in peoples lives? Can you imagine him doing that to your best girl friends wedding? Because you used money you saved to be there for your best friend on such a special occasion you were invited to in the highest regard?

 

I really think you're being selfish. And I don't say any of this in spite or malice, but truly in my opinion cut and dry and as blunt as I am - I really think you're being selfish, self centered, and materialistic. It sucks the engagement ring was put off, but look at the reason why it was and put yourself in his shoes. I think you both should talk about it, but I do think an apology is in order on your side. Explain why you were upset because I mean we get it, it's understandable and I think anyone would be a little disappointed, no one is a selfless saint and he should understand why and work towards rectifying that, but your reaction and how you handled it was immature, childish, and selfish.

[j.man]

You are not entitled to a ring.

You are not entitled to be chased.

You are an adult.

There are two people to a relationship.

Just because you run does not mean people HAVE to chase you.

 

Look, I get why you're upset. I think everyone here can sympathize with you as to why you were upset about this whole thing, like yeah, you were looking forward to something and it kinda got put on the back burner. But for what? His best friends wedding, that's what. That was a possibly once in a lifetime thing he was asked to experience. To be the best man to his best friends wedding. To share that bond with someone, to be asked to be someones best man, I mean think of it if you were in his shoes. If your best girl friend asked you to be her maid of honor - what would you do? Money is expendable, it's spendable, it's earnable. Getting an engagement ring is not a once-in-a-life-time opportunity. That might just be the only wedding his friend has.

 

Furthermore the whole idea of "he didn't chase me" is really such a bad mindset. Think of how he feels? There are two people in a relationship, and I'm not trying to be mean, but you're really revolving this around you way too much. You just caused a scene in the middle of his best friends wedding, a LIFE EVENT, over something materialistic then expected him to chase you to the ends of the earth for what? To apologize for realizing the importance of major life events in peoples lives? Can you imagine him doing that to your best girl friends wedding? Because you used money you saved to be there for your best friend on such a special occasion you were invited to in the highest regard?

 

I really think you're being selfish. And I don't say any of this in spite or malice, but truly in my opinion cut and dry and as blunt as I am - I really think you're being selfish, self centered, and materialistic. It sucks the engagement ring was put off, but look at the reason why it was and put yourself in his shoes. I think you both should talk about it, but I do think an apology is in order on your side. Explain why you were upset because I mean we get it, it's understandable and I think anyone would be a little disappointed, no one is a selfless saint and he should understand why and work towards rectifying that, but your reaction and how you handled it was immature, childish, and selfish.

I love this woman.

[Jibralta]

To top it all off, the groom called him and instead of asking if everything is okay.. he offered him a place to stay. Unlike his other friends who checked up on us. I feel like he put his best friends needs before me. I get it, he wanted those three days and I should have gave it to him..how can we move past this? He has never treated me this way and I'm still shocked that everything went the way it went.

 

Listen, you exploded at someone's wedding. That is really bad. If your boyfriend is acting differently now, it's probably because you committed a major social faux-pas. Worst of all, you're completely oblivious to it. I understand that your feelings were hurt, and that you felt anxious. But that is no excuse to be so self-centered.

[MissCanuck]

OP, at the risk of being very blunt: you need a reality check.

 

Your behaviour was immature and selfish. Of course your boyfriend didn't prioritize you at a wedding in which he was Best Man to his best friend. It was his best friend's big day, not yours. The same goes for him not chasing after you - you threw a hissy fit and fled. That's your problem, not his. I understand you're hurt and probably jealous that you were attending someone else's wedding and your boyfriend has not proposed to you, but that is an entirely separate issue.

 

You were rude. You owe the bride and groom an apology. It was one of the most important days of their lives,and you pouted and sulked and caused drama to the point that they asked you to leave. Be mad at your boyfriend for whatever reason, but at the very least you should say sorry to the newlyweds for your bad manners.

 

Your are upset at how your boyfriend treated you, but seem to lack any insight into your own poor behaviour that night. Take some accountability. The entitlement in your post is quite astounding.

[Sportster2005]

Furthermore the whole idea of "he didn't chase me" is really such a bad mindset. Think of how he feels?

 

I think we know how he feels, like an aggrieved child.

 

He told me to stop being a baby and get the f*** out.

 

If the BOTH of you couldn't have navigated this successfully, I think you're just not a good match. Sorry it took so long to find out.

 

I don't see any entitlement issues here. I think you have valid concerns and needs, not entitlements.

[katrina1980]

I love this woman.

 

Me too, Witch you should post more often!!

[katrina1980]

Hmmm, when I first read he told her she was being a big baby and to get the f*** out, my first thought was YEAH!

 

She was being a baby and acting very entitled.

 

Throwing a hissy fit and causing tons of drama at her bf's best friend's wedding, a wedding wherein her BF was BEST MAN, all because the purchase of a "ring" would be delayed a bit, what would you call it?

 

That said, her bf's comment calling her a baby and to get the f*** out was over the top and wrong too.

 

I think there is more to this story than what the Op has shared.

 

Meaning, there may be a history of drama/histrionics in their RL that has been building and her BF just snapped.

 

Which wouldn't be surprising, given the circumstances.

 

Being best man (or maid of honor) is a lot of pressure, so probably wasn't the best time to create that type of drama.

 

I hope they can work it out though.

 

There is a lesson to be learned by both of them.

[ThatwasThen]

I have nothing further to add to what Witch has pointed out to you, OP.

 

Well, other then the fact that you are not a Princess in Waiting. You caused all of this because you didn't get a ring. SMH. It's NOT about the jewellery.

[figureitout23]

I think we know how he feels, like an aggrieved child.

 

 

 

If the BOTH of you couldn't have navigated this successfully, I think you're just not a good match. Sorry it took so long to find out.

 

I don't see any entitlement issues here. I think you have valid concerns and needs, not entitlements.

 

Thank you sportster, I was concerned no one seemed to notice his sh*tty behavior.

 

I think everyone's noticing her extreme me reaction and jumping to 'oh she must be entitled and crazy'

 

But we don't know their background, look at his reaction to her. I don't care how upset she was, theyre in a relationship, he doesnt get to tell her to get the 'f*ck out' and keep the high road.

 

I think it's obvious this is a tumultuous relationship. And I think it's obvious this whole marriage thing is a sore subject. It's possible she's demanding an expensive ring, it's also possible hes using the 'I'll marry you when we can afford the perfect ring' excuse. This could go either way on my eyes.

 

Is she entitled to commitment? No, but she's entitled to have a say about how the money being saved for HER ring is being spent. They should have communicated and came to an agreement about this wedding, based on her and his reaction, I can bet a shiny new quarter, she either felt to keep him she had to agree or he just did what he wanted, she acted immaturely and so did he. Again, this relationship is clearly a bad mix because of the BOTH of them.

[ThatwasThen]

The money for HER ring? Was she saving for it too?

 

His reaction to petulant, immature entitlement wherein she went to the wedding with the admitted sole purpose of trying to make him see how upset she was may have been over the top but her reaction to not getting HER ring was the worse of the two evils.

 

Unless she grows up or he learns to navigate her entitlement, spoiled brat attitude, the ring would be a waste of the money.

[figureitout23]

The money for HER ring? Was she saving for it too?

 

Probably, people do it every day. She wouldn't have known about the ring if it wasn't agreed upon. So before y'all jump all over her for being materialistic realize it's obviously a mutual thing, a shared agreement.

 

His reaction to petulant, immature entitlement wherein she went to the wedding with the admitted sole purpose of trying to make him see how upset she was may have been over the top but her reaction to not getting HER ring was the worse of the two evils.

 

Unless she grows up or he learns to navigate her entitlement, spoiled brat attitude, the ring would be a waste of the money.

 

It may have been the 'worse' of the two evils in your mind but it's still two evils.

 

They're a bad match.

[katrina1980]

No she does not have a say in how the money is being saved for "her" engagement ring, where did you get that?

 

An engagement ring is a gift, purchased and given by the man.

 

There is no law written anywhere that states it's even necessary to present a ring.

 

It's a symbol, nothing more nothing less.

 

HE decides how to save for it and when and if to give it.

 

Again, it's a GIFT.

 

Saving for "their" wedding ceremony is a different story, I could understand her being a bit upset if he spent the money being saved for that (although personally I would not be, frankly I'd be happy eloping but not for something that is considered a gift for her.

[ThatwasThen]

Your opinion and you're entitled to it, figureitout... It's just not the consensus is all.

 

Enabling dialogue isn't going to help the Opening poster to grow and like I said, A marriage is not about the ring. She should have left her resentment and disappointment at home and not tried to cause a reaction through immaturity and revenge that she caused at the wedding. I'm sure the bride and groom are less then grateful that her petulance caused such a scene on THEIR day.

[MissCanuck]

Your opinion and you're entitled to it, figureitout... It's just not the consensus is all.

 

Enabling dialogue isn't going to help the Opening poster to grow and like I said, A marriage is not about the ring. She should have left her resentment and disappointment at home and not tried to cause a reaction through immaturity and revenge that she caused at the wedding. I'm sure the bride and groom are less then grateful that her petulance caused such a scene on THEIR day.

 

Exactly.

 

The issue I take with OP is not so much that she feels hurt and resentful that she wasn't the one getting married, but how disrespectfully and immaturely she chose to handle those feelings at someone else's wedding.

 

There is no excuse for lacking basic common courtesy, no matter how many problems OP and her boyfriend have. Period.

[figureitout23]

No she does not have a say in how the money is being saved for "her" engagement ring, where did you get that?

 

An engagement ring is a gift, purchased and given by the man.

 

There is no law written anywhere that states it's even necessary to present a ring.

 

It's a symbol, nothing more nothing less.

 

HE decides how to save for it and when and if to give it.

 

Again, it's a GIFT.

 

Saving for "their" wedding ceremony is a different story, I could understand her being a bit upset if he spent the money being saved for that (although personally I would not be, frankly I'd be happy eloping but not for something that is considered a gift.

 

By today's standards, Yes it is. People do this everyday, they discuss buying 'her' ring and even mutually save for it. I've seen it a dozen times with friends and family.

 

Is that how I did it? Nope. My ex and I got 40$ rings at the mall and we picked out the rings we wanted years later.

 

You are placing old fashioned standards on this situation.

 

The truth is many don't even propose in that manner anymore. It's rarely a surprise, it's discussed and agreed upon. So basing my opinion on today's typical standards, yes I do believe they were mutually saving to get her an engagement ring. If they were saving to buy a big screen tv it would still be a mutual thing.

 

The difference is marriage and starting their lives was attached to that ring.

 

I can totally understand a woman getting upset that her happily ever after was pushed back so she could witness someone else get their happily ever after.

 

Is it immature? Absolutely but it's also a human reaction. You guys are acting like she was throwing monkey excrement at the bride.

[ThatwasThen]

Who was/is saving for the ring is secondary to the entire situation. She is here to find out how she can get past this with her partner. Most of us have told her how she can get past it ~ by apologizing for her abhorent behaviour for a start. Once she does that, I'm sure he'll do the same and the two of them can continue on in their relationship unless of course it implodes. Can she let this go? Lets hope so.

 

I can totally understand a woman getting upset that her happily ever after was pushed back so she could witness someone else get their happily ever after.

You assume that because the ring isn't bought that their wedding would be pushed back. One does not need an engagement ring in order to proceed to be married.

[figureitout23]

Your opinion and you're entitled to it, figureitout... It's just not the consensus is all.

 

Yeah, it's not the first time and most certainly won't be the last I'm sure.

 

 

Enabling dialogue isn't going to help the Opening poster to grow and like I said, A marriage is not about the ring. She should have left her resentment and disappointment at home and not tried to cause a reaction through immaturity and revenge that she caused at the wedding. I'm sure the bride and groom are less then grateful that her petulance caused such a scene on THEIR day.

 

I doubt her resentment was about the ring. I'm sure her resentment was toward him because their relationship is a circus, it simply manifested itself in the way it did.

 

Please let me specify I think she was wrong completely and totally. I think they're relationship is the problem though, not her materialism or whatever.

[ThatwasThen]

I'll repeat this because I added to it while you were posting:

Who was/is saving for the ring is secondary to the entire situation. She is here to find out how she can get past this with her partner. Most of us have told her how she can get past it ~ by apologizing for her abhorrent behaviour for a start. Once she does that, I'm sure he'll do the same and the two of them can continue on in their relationship unless of course it implodes. Can she let this go? Lets hope so.

[figureitout23]

Who was/is saving for the ring is secondary to the entire situation. She is here to find out how she can get past this with her partner. Most of us have told her how she can get past it ~ by apologizing for her abhorant behaviour for a start. Once she does that, I'm sure he'll do the same and the two of them can continue on in their relationship unless of course it implodes. Can she let this go? Lets hope so.

 

You assume that because the ring isn't bought that their wedding would be pushed back. One does not need an engagement ring in order to proceed to be married.

 

And that's the issue I have! The solution isn't to go grovel to a dude who treats her just as bad as she treats him. The relationship should be burned to the ground. These two should not be together. If they do, they BOTH have a lot to work through. Their communication is garbage at best.

 

You're right I am assuming that because why else would she be upset? Instead of jumping on her I'm *GASP* looking at the big picture. I know a woman doesn't need an engagement ring to get married, I'm pretty sure that was their agreement though. Whether it was his choice or hers or the both of theirs, I'm assuming it would be pushed back because of this, why else would she care?

 

I could be wrong, guess we will have to see if the OPer comes back to clarify.

[j.man]

Only way I could even mildly sympathize is if it truly was a joint fund toward the ring and he took enough money that it dipped into her net contribution. Otherwise, I'm almost dumbfounded that anyone could defend such an attitude, much less her actual behavior. I mean of course we're free to feel however we feel, but to act out during your partner's best friend's wedding? That's simply amazing. While it's literally impossible for me to imagine my lady pulling that, but that would be it. I can't have that kind of temperament in my life. Again, no one is perfect and we all have irrational feelings, but if you can't put a poker face on for a wedding, of all occasions... sorry, but there are no words. If you felt that rotten about it, you should have stayed home and, if you truly are pooling money toward a ring, that's money saved on airfare to put into the fund.

 

I mean my fiancee didn't give me a ring for our engagement, so I can't really 100% flip the script, but trying to imagine how far people would try to reach to justify it if I came here posting about my lady using money that she was going to get me an engagement watch or whatever with to be able to have the honor of participating in her best friend's wedding, guilting her about it, and then proceeding to go to the wedding and act out. I couldn't even write that out without cringing.

 

I mean, yeah, if the dude were Gandhi, he'd have let it go when she came back to apologize but I gotta be honest, I couldn't look at my partner as anything other than a 2-year old at that point. And that would be permanent.

 

And that's not being harsh for the sake of it. It's to emphasize just how much the OP should feel humbled after all of this. It's going to take a lot of damage control and likely professional mediation to hope to rectify this.

[figureitout23]

I actually agree with you j.man. I think her actions were wrong, but again, I think her actions and his reaction to her actions is indicative of the dynamics of their relationship and that's why I feel it's a.) not all on her and b.) pointless to try to repair.

[katrina1980]

@figureitout, just because the purchase of her ring had to be delayed a bit, that does not mean her "happily ever after" has to be pushed back.

 

I know couples who got married, and the ring was given later, when he could afford it. Again, a symbol, a gift.

 

Plus you are assuming OP is upset that the marriage itself was being pushed back.

 

She wasn't. She made it clear she was upset because the ring had to be delayed.

 

Not her "happily ever after" but the ring.

 

That attitude reflects serious material entitlement.

 

If you feel differently, I respect that.

 

Agree to disagree.

[ThatwasThen]

And that's the issue I have! The solution isn't to go grovel to a dude who treats her just as bad as she treats him. The relationship should be burned to the ground. These two should not be together.

Perhaps but who are we to be the judge of that after one instance given showing her immaturity and "princess in waiting" attitude.

 

If they do, they BOTH have a lot to work through. Their communication is garbage at best.

No one is arguing that.

 

right I am assuming that because why else would she be upset? Instead of jumping on her I'm *GASP* looking at the big picture. I know a woman doesn't need an engagement ring to get married,

Yes but I responded because you implied that the wedding was postponed because he used the ring money to be a best man at his best friends wedding.

 

I'm pretty sure that was their agreement though. Whether it was his choice or hers or the both of theirs, I'm assuming it would be pushed back because of this, why else would she care?

I think Witch answered that in the first reply in.

I could be wrong, guess we will have to see if the OPer comes back to clarify.

Even if she does and she says they were both saving and that it was about the actual wedding being postponed it still doesn't excuse her behaviour and the fact that she was wrong in all ways that she handled her disappointment and resentment. I think the lord himself would be hard pressed not to tell her to get out of his face and stop being a baby.

[j.man]

I actually agree with you j.man. I think her actions were wrong, but again, I think her actions and his reaction to her actions is indicative of the dynamics of their relationship and that's why I feel it's a.) not all on her and b.) pointless to try to repair.

We'll have to see if the OP comes back to expound. I will say that, given they've got a child together, I hope his heart will grow to a point that's medically concerning and that they'll do their best to see if they can get past the incident.