Difficult choice

[JoTambouille]

Point of vue is really personal. I'll understand the persona won't get mine. I tried many times to "warm" my wife in explicit words such as " you're tired, upset, got a lot in your mind,... i got it but with 2 kids, if we don't have sex to reconnect I'll have it elsewhere".

 

Seriously? You don't say to your stressed wife "i got it that you are tired from raising two small children that i don't help with and that you have to deal with this construction mess, but if you don't give me sex i am going to get it elsewhere." NO. you GET RID OF HER STRESS by getting a babysitter sometimes, or a mother's helper - a teenage kid to come over and play with the kids a couple hours 2-3 times a week so she can get something done to make some headway on the house or coordinating the construction. You date your wife - you go out like you were first dating. you let her sleep in on the weekend and YOU get up with the kids. When she is less tired --- you will get sex.

 

BTW, your wife needs to know you are a cheater so she can get tested for STDs

 

Hello,

 

You're the first "angry" person responding so hi

 

First, we'll talk about the stress of construction.

I handled it. When I say that, it's really me handled the stress of delay, workers, meetings,... she said what she wanted in the house, whatever, and i deal with the rest, because I didn't want her on stress.

 

Second, the kids.

She take care of them the morning. Me the afternoon up to the dinner. I'm doing the food shopping and cooking ( because I like doing that). She's doing the rest at the house. Fair split of the tasks, as agrément between us.

 

Three, the relationship.

Reading your note, the men has to do everything to keep the relationship ok. I don't.

1 couple. 2 persons. For that 2 persons efforts to stick together.

But when you realize you're the only one putting the pieces together when it's hard time, you let it go to see if the other can handle that sometime.

 

Your comments are understandable in "theory" but in real life, the relationship is a 2 persons effort. Not 1.

 

And STD. Protections and we tested ourself( me and mistress) every month in case of condom fatal error.

 

I appreciate your concern because these question haven't been and before.

And I might been a bit too in the shortcut with you about the sex talking with my wife. We had few discussions about that.

It was going better for 1 or 2 weeks, and then back to zero.

 

Like i said, every comments are welcome.

I'm not the perfect husband. I got qualities and severals defaults. Like everybody.

 

But a question I got is, considering my life, with 2 kids.

If I cheat for sex, get lost in weird feeling( thought it was love), when can you say it's just a phase in your relationship or when it become 2 roommates with kids?

[JoTambouille]

I think you need to cut all ties with your mistress. Your wife has been stressed with chasing after two small children and dealing with the construction of your house. The remedy for that is weekend getaways without the kids to relax and reconnect, counseling, etc, not going on a "friend date" with someone to see how it goes for an affair. And trust me, if you end up with the mistress, she had no problems with going after a married man - so you think she will actually he loyal down the road??

And she won't look so great either when there is any real stress in your lives. You are very fair weather.

 

 

 

There is no case unless the mom is on drugs or in jail that the mother is not awarded full or joint custody of TODDLERS and BABIES. You are living in a fantasy world if you think you can go on with your life, just minus your wife. You will be a half the week or weekend dad if you leave your wife or separate from her - and trust me, you will be barred from bringing the other woman around your kids. you will lose the house to foreclosure or you will be paying for a house you won't be living in.

 

You should think in a marriage when you are having a tough period -- that its a tough period and that you straighten things out -- vs turning tail and leaving at the first sign of trouble.

 

Hi,

 

Thanks for the fantasy world but the house is 80% mine so I'll keep it in case of divorce.

No matter what.

 

I've divorced parents and it's not the end of the world as the parents are agree and on the same page for education.

I would avoid divorce. Really.

 

But let's be clear and let me ask you that.

For you, when you get married, got kids, you have to stay with her for life?

Even if you're unhappy?

 

 

Just an honest thought please?

 

Before meeting my mistress, I really thought i would never cheat on her. I had a lot of fun before meeting my wife.

 

The wrong side is, the world prepare you to a fantasy happy mariage. But the real life is harder, and keep a mariage on the track involve 2 persons.

[abitbroken]

Think again. If you bought the house during your marriage, the house isn't 80% yours, its only 50% yours. You don't get to kick her out and live with the kids easily.

 

Hi,

 

Thanks for the fantasy world but the house is 80% mine so I'll keep it in case of divorce.

No matter what.

 

I've divorced parents and it's not the end of the world as the parents are agree and on the same page for education.

I would avoid divorce. Really.

 

But let's be clear and let me ask you that.

For you, when you get married, got kids, you have to stay with her for life?

Even if you're unhappy?

 

 

Just an honest thought please?

 

Before meeting my mistress, I really thought i would never cheat on her. I had a lot of fun before meeting my wife.

 

The wrong side is, the world prepare you to a fantasy happy mariage. But the real life is harder, and keep a mariage on the track involve 2 persons.

 

If you were the one who was not happy with the marriage - yes, it was up to you to do something about it. Your wife might have been happy with you, but stressed and had no idea you were so unahppy.

 

Do i think "when you get married, got kids, you have to stay for life?" That's the idea of marriage, isn't it? for life and you don't leave because you are temporarily "unhappy". If there is no drugs, gambling, abuse, etc, you work on your marriage. I don't care of you are a man or a woman. You say "both people should work at it". Well in a marriage sometimes one carries the other and then it switches up again. If the house was under construction, you wait until the house is finished, everyone is settled, and then you make efforts to reconnect. And you are the person coming for advice. When you are married, you don't say "well, i am the only one making the effort so therefore i am going to go out and cheat".

 

if sex was going better and then back to zero -- there are other reasons why. Women's emotions are more tied to sex. If she doesn't feel loved or comfortable with a man or comfortable with her body, there will be less sex. Having kids affects a woman's libido, and if her husband has her under pressure "have more sex or i'll cheat," how is she going to feel loved? If a man threatens to cheat, that already tells a woman he has one foot out the door and has no intention of wanting things to work. Some women also have hormonal issues that make them not desire sex as much. If you wanted more sex, many women respond better to their husband being charming, loving and getting a babysitter than they do if a husband threatens to walk if there is not more sex.

 

Marriage is not about your temporary feelings.

[JoTambouille]

Think again. If you bought the house during your marriage, the house isn't 80% yours, its only 50% yours. You don't get to kick her out and live with the kids easily.

 

 

 

If you were the one who was not happy with the marriage - yes, it was up to you to do something about it. Your wife might have been happy with you, but stressed and had no idea you were so unahppy.

 

Do i think "when you get married, got kids, you have to stay for life?" That's the idea of marriage, isn't it? for life and you don't leave because you are temporarily "unhappy". If there is no drugs, gambling, abuse, etc, you work on your marriage. I don't care of you are a man or a woman. You say "both people should work at it". Well in a marriage sometimes one carries the other and then it switches up again. If the house was under construction, you wait until the house is finished, everyone is settled, and then you make efforts to reconnect. And you are the person coming for advice. When you are married, you don't say "well, i am the only one making the effort so therefore i am going to go out and cheat".

 

if sex was going better and then back to zero -- there are other reasons why. Women's emotions are more tied to sex. If she doesn't feel loved or comfortable with a man or comfortable with her body, there will be less sex. Having kids affects a woman's libido, and if her husband has her under pressure "have more sex or i'll cheat," how is she going to feel loved? If a man threatens to cheat, that already tells a woman he has one foot out the door and has no intention of wanting things to work. Some women also have hormonal issues that make them not desire sex as much. If you wanted more sex, many women respond better to their husband being charming, loving and getting a babysitter than they do if a husband threatens to walk if there is not more sex.

 

Marriage is not about your temporary feelings.

 

You're right. Not temporary.

I'd love to be happy with the same woman all my life. Really.

But after your speech, you're again , sorry, on the wife side. No matter what. Almost feminist.

No problem.

 

But that's not a conversation. More a monologue.

 

And for the house, keep thinking....

 

IF we divorce I got it, buying her shares. But I won't let her finish in a hole.

She'll still be the mother of my kids and I'll look after.

For her sake and my kids.

 

Now, to go back to the main topic.

 

Any advice to help me go through that and forget the mistress please?

[cogirl1988]

Jo. First of all. I would say that if you found yourself so connected to this other woman, then the woman you are living with must not be the right person you are looking for. Regardless if you end up with this new woman.

Your relationship does not seem strong enough to handle tough times.

If your new love is wanting to give it 100 % to her boyfriend then possibly either she is not feeling quite the same about you, or just wants to be entirely sure before she lets it go.

 

Surely you new love knows how you feel.

My advice would be to give her her space and see if absence makes the heart fonder. And in the meantime go through the process of your own relationship. Giving it 100 or letting her go. It's just waisting time if you know it's not there.

 

Good luck.

[JoTambouille]

Jo. First of all. I would say that if you found yourself so connected to this other woman, then the woman you are living with must not be the right person you are looking for. Regardless if you end up with this new woman.

Your relationship does not seem strong enough to handle tough times.

If your new love is wanting to give it 100 % to her boyfriend then possibly either she is not feeling quite the same about you, or just wants to be entirely sure before she lets it go.

 

Surely you new love knows how you feel.

My advice would be to give her her space and see if absence makes the heart fonder. And in the meantime go through the process of your own relationship. Giving it 100 or letting her go. It's just waisting time if you know it's not there.

 

Good luck.

 

You're probably right. Maybe she doesn't feel the same for me.

The fact she broke up make thing simpler for her side as well I think.

 

I'm not surprise of her choice, to give 100% on her relationship, it was the original plan.

We were just bonus to each other.

 

I guess the broke up made me feel in love. Like the first person comment that topic said, surely the honeymoon phase.

 

There's no doubt after all theses discussions that I need let her go. It's for the best. Considering the situation.

It's just hard.

 

And like i said before, strange to see myself reacting that because I'm usually pragmatic. I knew that would be ending, just not that early...

 

I'll go through it eventually, just take time.

And talking to people here help.

[thealchemist]

Maybe I'm just dense but why are you even with this woman you call a wife? If you are so disconnected from her wouldn't it just be better to end it? It isn't like your kids won't notice this as they age. Loveless marriages aren't a great scenario for raising children.

 

I will also say that lack of sex isn't really ever the reason behind it, it just always seems to be an early consequence of the reasons.

 

My libido is annoyingly high. When I can I will do it a couple times a day. But my brain would never jump to an extramarital affair to fill that need, even as critical of a need it is for me.

 

I think that if you jump to that conclusion there is a lot more messed up in your relationship than lack of sex.

[reinventmyself]

 

 

I think that if you jump to that conclusion there is a lot more messed up in your relationship than lack of sex.

 

Lack of sex is just the symptom of a bigger problem.

You can't keep attacking the sex or finding it elsewhere and think by ignoring the problem it will magically go away.

 

You need to drill down and flush out the problems. Doing it backwards never works.

[Thainara]

Your mistress brought to your life the excitement and thrilling that was missing in your life and, of course, the great sex. Everything is great and perfect in the beginning and you fell in love for the idealization in your mind. Your marriage is bad, no sex, no love, no connection and you were just too needy of all that and "she" gave it all to you. Any other woman you should have an affair would bring the same feelings to your life. It's not her, it's you, your needs, your lacks, your emptiness and ultimately your unhappiness with your real life. So what does our mind do when we are unhappy? It tries to make us happy and then creates fantasies. And it takes a while to deconstruct these f*** fantasies in our minds. Your mistress is your fantasy to take you off from your sad reality. You don't know much about her... 3 months? Let's say 10-12 dates? Not enough to call it love. I had my fantasy too (both of us single though) that lasted 3 months and when he left I wished to die. Did I love him? I thought so but in the end he was my most beautiful fantasy. He brought a lot of excitement, happiness and color to a gray reality. Love is something deeper that only can be built with time and when you look at the person by your side and you're able to also love and accept their imperfections. In 3 months you didn't have time to know her imperfections. Alright, you had a great connection and chemistry but not love. It's normal you miss her and all that she was bringing to your gray reality, but any other woman could do that because you're desperately unhappy. You'll be fine soon in regards to your feelings for her but not in regards to your inner feelings. You gotta take care of that. After this guy I realized how many issues I have inside and how I look desperately for an outside solution to ease my pain... it's never out there. You should look for help to see what's missing inside of you. That's what I'm doing. I've been looking for an outside answer for my inner pain my whole life. Wrong way, it's inside of me. And when you're fulfilled by your own feelings then you'll know exactly what you want and what to do. For now, let her go. One thing is for sure and this is a rule: if she really loves you, misses you, hurts for you, she'll get in touch. So stay strong and take care of yourself.

[JoTambouille]

Your mistress brought to your life the excitement and thrilling that was missing in your life and, of course, the great sex. Everything is great and perfect in the beginning and you fell in love for the idealization in your mind. Your marriage is bad, no sex, no love, no connection and you were just too needy of all that and "she" gave it all to you. Any other woman you should have an affair would bring the same feelings to your life. It's not her, it's you, your needs, your lacks, your emptiness and ultimately your unhappiness with your real life. So what does our mind do when we are unhappy? It tries to make us happy and then creates fantasies. And it takes a while to deconstruct these f*** fantasies in our minds. Your mistress is your fantasy to take you off from your sad reality. You don't know much about her... 3 months? Let's say 10-12 dates? Not enough to call it love. I had my fantasy too (both of us single though) that lasted 3 months and when he left I wished to die. Did I love him? I thought so but in the end he was my most beautiful fantasy. He brought a lot of excitement, happiness and color to a gray reality. Love is something deeper that only can be built with time and when you look at the person by your side and you're able to also love and accept their imperfections. In 3 months you didn't have time to know her imperfections. Alright, you had a great connection and chemistry but not love. It's normal you miss her and all that she was bringing to your gray reality, but any other woman could do that because you're desperately unhappy. You'll be fine soon in regards to your feelings for her but not in regards to your inner feelings. You gotta take care of that. After this guy I realized how many issues I have inside and how I look desperately for an outside solution to ease my pain... it's never out there. You should look for help to see what's missing inside of you. That's what I'm doing. I've been looking for an outside answer for my inner pain my whole life. Wrong way, it's inside of me. And when you're fulfilled by your own feelings then you'll know exactly what you want and what to do. For now, let her go. One thing is for sure and this is a rule: if she really loves you, misses you, hurts for you, she'll get in touch. So stay strong and take care of yourself.

 

Hi,

 

Your analysis is almost all true.

There's one detail I forgot to tell. I know that girl from high school. So 20 years.

Even if we weren't in touch during that period, it was more like a reconnection than a first meeting.

But except that, I think you're right. I was in need of that.

 

I'm not saying nothing left with my wife. The daily life is great, but after the kids and the years together, that affair made me realize something is missing.

The woman brought me a lot of good feelings. But like you said, maybe any other would of...

 

I'd like to believe not but I'm sure of nothing anymore.

 

I think our last contact was about 10/12 days ago. I start feeling better but I miss something. It's hard but time will help.

 

Even with my wife. It's like we're more roommates with kids than a couple. That's weird isn't?

 

Anyway, thank you for your words and analysis.

I got to look into me.

[yatsue]

I see no remorse or owning up to your cheating at all. I don't see you're going to tell your wife the truth of what's been going on or you trying to get real help for your marital issues first before cheating, which apparently you think is some kind of solution. I have a strong hunch you'll eventually revert to this "solution" again if you don't do something.

 

Your post is all about your sudden feelings for your side piece, after she left you ironically. You want what you can't have; you have your wife but don't really want her, and no longer have your eff buddy but now all of a sudden want her. I, among others, doubt your feelings because it's quite obvious. If only you had property or any semblance of shared responsibility with this other woman, then you would feel just as conflicted as you do now with your wife. It's called marriage, which is agreed on to be completely monogamous btw. There will always be bumps and isn't like the dating days of a new flame. If you're so miserable, no don't just feel like you need to stay in a marriage - work on it with multiple sources of outside help first, not just you. Divorce when it's not helping at all or she refuses all outside help. Cheating only serves as a band aid. Good approaches to fixing a marriage or walking away from a dead marriage are not "fantasies". Your approach tries to justify cheating through excuses, which is not acceptable.

 

You should tell your wife the whole affair and, if you truly want to keep married to her, you should both work on your marriage with external sources (counseling, self help books, healthy coping mechanisms, communication styles, etc). Be extra open to her during this period and do cut all contact with the other woman, especially with the upcoming event. Own up to your betrayal and tell her so she can try to work out these issues or can have the option to divorce you with this knowledge.

[JoTambouille]

I see no remorse or owning up to your cheating at all. I don't see you're going to tell your wife the truth of what's been going on or you trying to get real help for your marital issues first before cheating, which apparently you think is some kind of solution. I have a strong hunch you'll eventually revert to this "solution" again if you don't do something.

 

Your post is all about your sudden feelings for your side piece, after she left you ironically. You want what you can't have; you have your wife but don't really want her, and no longer have your eff buddy but now all of a sudden want her. I, among others, doubt your feelings because it's quite obvious. If only you had property or any semblance of shared responsibility with this other woman, then you would feel just as conflicted as you do now with your wife. It's called marriage, which is agreed on to be completely monogamous btw. There will always be bumps and isn't like the dating days of a new flame. If you're so miserable, no don't just feel like you need to stay in a marriage - work on it with multiple sources of outside help first, not just you. Divorce when it's not helping at all or she refuses all outside help. Cheating only serves as a band aid.

 

You should tell your wife the whole affair and, if you truly want to keep married to her, you should both work on your marriage with external sources (counseling, self help books, healthy coping mechanisms, communication styles, etc). Be extra open to her during this period and do cut all contact with the other woman, especially with the upcoming event. Own up to your betrayal and tell her so she can try to work out these issues or can have the option to divorce you with this knowledge.

 

Hi yatsue

 

Weirdly I don't feel any remorse. Is that wrong?

From the first time I told her our relationship had an issue with sex, I always thought about cheating but never done it.

 

And I wasn't even thinking about that when I met the "friend" few month ago.

Turns out she had the same problem at home. Her boyfriend wouldn't have sex with her.

 

I understand when you say it's not a solution, but to me, it was one. 100%. Beside the sex issue, our relationship is good. And our main arguments were about sex, so when I removed that from equation, almost no arguments. ( just the small usual relationship stuff)

So I felt that as balance.

 

You're right telling me I should tell the whole story. But I don't think I'll have the courage.

If I do, my reaction will probably be to divorce.

I can't say for her but I think she'll let it go for that one. ( based on her judgment and advice she gave to people which have been through this)

 

I don't know if it's because I'm lost in my mind and try to forget the side woman but from a few days it's really tense at home.

Argues and back to roommate relationship...

 

With time I'll eventually forget the mistress but I'm afraid to realize the things I had in common with my wife are changing. And having a roommate relationship with a wife isn't my ideal lifestyle...

 

I'm getting more and more confuse about everything.

The only thing matter to me is the kids.

 

Thanks for your message...

[reinventmyself]

I asked you previously if you've considered marriage counseling but you glossed over it.

What is it you are looking for here? The mistress is gone and now you are left with your marriage to deal with.

 

Do you even want to deal with it? Because unless you have done something other than complain, then I don't see this going anywhere.

What is it you are planning to do?

 

I personally don't feel I have the right to continue to complain about something if I am not willing to anything about it.

[JoTambouille]

I asked you previously if you've considered marriage counseling but you glossed over it.

What is it you are looking for here? The mistress is gone and now you are left with your marriage to deal with.

 

Do you even want to deal with it? Because unless you have done something other than complain, then I don't see this going anywhere.

What is it you are planning to do?

 

I personally don't feel I have the right to continue to complain about something if I am not willing to anything about it.

 

Sorry. I didn't mean to avoid any question.

Mariage counseling isn't really for me a solution.

I know 2 couples have been there and that just helped to put alcohol on the fire.

 

They split up/ divorce after 2 months of "counseling".

 

So i have a big negative opinion about that.

 

Sorry if I complain, I don't want to. In my mind, writing my thoughts here is more to speak out loud.

Put words about my feelings and take few advices from people took the time to read my story.

 

I'll be clear. I made a mistake I thought was a solution. Now I'm lost.

No complaining.

 

It's more a thank you to all of you answered and helped me to realize some hard truth.

[abitbroken]

Hi yatsue

 

Weirdly I don't feel any remorse. Is that wrong?

From the first time I told her our relationship had an issue with sex, I always thought about cheating but never done it.

 

And I wasn't even thinking about that when I met the "friend" few month ago.

Turns out she had the same problem at home. Her boyfriend wouldn't have sex with her.

 

I understand when you say it's not a solution, but to me, it was one. 100%. Beside the sex issue, our relationship is good. And our main arguments were about sex, so when I removed that from equation, almost no arguments. ( just the small usual relationship stuff)

So I felt that as balance.

 

You're right telling me I should tell the whole story. But I don't think I'll have the courage.

If I do, my reaction will probably be to divorce.

I can't say for her but I think she'll let it go for that one. ( based on her judgment and advice she gave to people which have been through this)

 

I don't know if it's because I'm lost in my mind and try to forget the side woman but from a few days it's really tense at home.

Argues and back to roommate relationship...

 

With time I'll eventually forget the mistress but I'm afraid to realize the things I had in common with my wife are changing. And having a roommate relationship with a wife isn't my ideal lifestyle...

 

I'm getting more and more confuse about everything.

The only thing matter to me is the kids.

 

Thanks for your message...

 

Yes, its weird that you have no remorse or compassion. Its quite alarming that you can look at your children and not feel any bit of guilt for breaking up their home and family. If you say you have no compassion or care for their mother as a human being even --- that is quite disturbing.

 

It sounds to me that you are similar to a teenage boy - you do whatever you feel at the moment.

 

marriage isn't just about how much sex you are getting - its about more than that. a woman is not a hired entertainer and the minute you don't feel great you fire her and get another.

there are times in marriage where you are passionately in love and sometimes you are more friends -- and it always changes. But its always a commitment and partnership. When the kids get a little older and don't need minute to minute care and more self sufficient -- you may find the passion comes back.

 

So - your friends went through 8 weeks of counseling and split up --

So what do you have to lose -- you want to leave your wife anyway and why not give it a chance that maybe things could work out?

 

I really think you don't want a marriage of equals - you want a marriage where your wife is a product that you bought that needs to keep you constantly happy and are willing to toss her away.

[JoTambouille]

Yes, its weird that you have no remorse or compassion. Its quite alarming that you can look at your children and not feel any bit of guilt for breaking up their home and family. If you say you have no compassion or care for their mother as a human being even --- that is quite disturbing.

 

It sounds to me that you are similar to a teenage boy - you do whatever you feel at the moment.

 

marriage isn't just about how much sex you are getting - its about more than that. a woman is not a hired entertainer and the minute you don't feel great you fire her and get another.

there are times in marriage where you are passionately in love and sometimes you are more friends -- and it always changes. But its always a commitment and partnership. When the kids get a little older and don't need minute to minute care and more self sufficient -- you may find the passion comes back.

 

So - your friends went through 8 weeks of counseling and split up --

So what do you have to lose -- you want to leave your wife anyway and why not give it a chance that maybe things could work out?

 

I really think you don't want a marriage of equals - you want a marriage where your wife is a product that you bought that needs to keep you constantly happy and are willing to toss her away.

 

No. I'm aware being married is quite a hard job.

Almost every time we have issues, I'm the one try to get us back together. But when you have the feeling you're the only one rowing in the boat. You get tired of it.

You know what I mean.

 

For the guilt of breaking the home, as you said, mariage is a 2 persons commitment and I feel alone taking care of it.

I love my kids and do everything I can for them.

 

Don't think I treat women as object. That's hurtful.

 

Your post is a bit "feminist". I got the feeling whatever I said I'll be the bad macho guy for you.

 

I understand it hard to get it. But after so many times speaking with her about our issues, in my minds cheating was my last option to avoid a divorce.

 

I never thought I would do it until I get back In touch with her... you know the rest.

[Jibralta]

Should I tell her what I feel?

Should I tell her I want to divorce and leave with her?

Let her go?

Be her (weird) friend and see what happens?

 

Three months is still the fantasy phase. The fact that you've known her for 20 years is irrelevant. You are completely different people now, mentally and physically. You can tell your mistress what you feel, and offer to divorce your wife for her, but I don't think she'll care. The hormones have worn off for her, and she's on to greener pastures. And, like you, she may not feel much remorse for the ways things turned out.

 

Since you will have no trouble keeping your children and your house after the divorce, I think your best bet would be to divorce your wife and become your mistress's weird friend.

 

Weirdly I don't feel any remorse. Is that wrong?

 

Not weird or wrong. There are plenty of people who feel no remorse for the crappy things they do to other people. It's just another kind of human animal--one that I personally would rather not have in my life, but not wrong and certainly not uncommon.

[reinventmyself]

The timing was fortunate, I get back in touch with my friend just when my relationship was going really bad.

 

The balance was perfect between sex on one side and family on the other.

 

This is the part where I side with those who say it feels as if you have objectified these women.

 

You've made it perfectly clear how you feel . .but what about the feelings of those affected, including your children?

 

Babies, the ages of 2 & 4. I can't think of a more challenging time in life then this.

You can't man up and ride this out?

 

I agree. . I know a lot of people who ended a marriage after counseling. (me for one) I know twice as many who had the best possible outcome and got back on track.

All I know is I didn't want to live with the regret and guilt that I didn't do everything possible to save it before I gave up and walked away.

As I am writing this I can't help but wonder if your fear is that in counseling you might have to disclose what you've been up to.

[JoTambouille]

Three months is still the fantasy phase. The fact that you've known her for 20 years is irrelevant. You are completely different people now, mentally and physically. You can tell your mistress what you feel, and offer to divorce your wife for her, but I don't think she'll care. The hormones have worn off for her, and she's on to greener pastures. And, like you, she may not feel much remorse for the ways things turned out.

 

Since you will have no trouble keeping your children and your house after the divorce, I think your best bet would be to divorce your wife and become your mistress's weird friend.

 

 

 

Not weird or wrong. There are plenty of people who feel no remorse for the crappy things they do to other people. It's just another kind of human animal--one that I personally would rather not have in my life, but not wrong and certainly not uncommon.

 

I get your point of view. It's good you quote one of first post.

I was stupid to think that could happen and wanted that either.

 

That's the all point of chatting here. Probably better than a shrink!

 

I don't feel a strong remorse cause I think I convince myself that could be a solution. Well it's not.

I know what I done is bad and shouldn't of doing it.

But not a remorse as crying and thinking all the time "why the I done that". Cause I know why.

Got to live with it now.

 

You're right for the 20 years. Irrelevant.

Except we're dating, all the rest change.

 

For the divorce, the house I'm sure. The kids, even if I want them and maybe could with trial, I know that's not good for them so it'll probably be an agreement between us.

I don't care who got the care as long the other can see them as much as they want.

Kids first.

 

 

For now, I guess all of you think I should divorce!

So I'll think about it and let you know if I had the guts to tell her everything

[reinventmyself]

Almost every time we have issues, I'm the one try to get us back together. But when you have the feeling you're the only one rowing in the boat. You get tired of it.

You know what I mean.

For the guilt of breaking the home, as you said, mariage is a 2 persons commitment and I feel alone taking care of it.

Don't think I treat women as object. That's hurtful.

 

I understand it hard to get it. But after so many times speaking with her about our issues, in my minds cheating was my last option to avoid a divorce.

 

That's a classic rationalization. You cheated to save your marriage

 

What is it you do exactly when you say you do all the work at resolving issues and your wife does nothing in return?

If your wife was here, what would she say?

 

You might have flicker of substantiating your case if you can tell us exactly what hard work you have done that has gone unnoticed and unappreciated.

[JoTambouille]

This is the part where I side with those who say it feels as if you have objectified these women.

 

You've made it perfectly clear how you feel . .but what about the feelings of those affected, including your children?

 

Babies, the ages of 2 & 4. I can't think of a more challenging time in life then this.

You can't man up and ride this out?

 

I agree. . I know a lot of people who ended a marriage after counseling. (me for one) I know twice as many who had the best possible outcome and got back on track.

All I know is I didn't want to live with the regret and guilt that I didn't do everything possible to save it before I gave up and walked away.

As I am writing this I can't help but wonder if your fear is that in counseling you might have to disclose what you've been up to.

 

I'll try save what I can.

Otherwise I'll tell her the whole shebang...

 

Thanks to everybody

[JoTambouille]

Hi everybody

 

Little update...

I wanted to have a conversation after my last message but unfortunately she get fired...

So I thought that wasn’t the right moment to talk about our issues.

I opened champagne ( she love it) to try to cheer her up. It worked...

 

I’ll wait a bit before discussing our problems.

 

2nd point.

The other get back in touch. Call that faith, but I hadn’t the messenger notification on Friday. I just saw it today ( Sunday). So now she know I read it.

 

Message:

Hi. I just want to have some news. How are you?

 

 

After all of you said, I think I shouldn’t reply. Even cordials words. But I feel rude not replying either( not because it’s her, just the fact of not responding)

 

What you think?

[caro33]

Do not reply.

[fabact]

Read the state of affairs by Esther perel. It may help save ur marriage and understand why you got in the affair in the first place.

[JoTambouille]

Hello

 

Got to give an update...

 

The friend texted me again, but this time she has really express how she felt.

 

Basically the messages were ( quick version):

 

Hi, got no answers from my messages , I don’t understand. If you want to stop contact, let me know I’ll respect it. That’s a shame because you’re important to me but I’ll deal with it.

We were really close and on the same page on so many stuff, I’m disappointed I’ve lost everything.

I miss what we had and I’d like to keep contact with you. Not as lover, I hope we can be friend because you’re important to me. Xxx

 

So now I’m confuse. For those read that post from the beginning, you know what I feel for that girl but it was really hard to ride away of theses feeling and her so I don’t want to get back in that.

On the other hand, we got a lot in commun. I really like this girl and beside the sex part, I liked speak with her as a «friend» all over our adventure.

 

So i got weirds feelings.

I would go for the honest part and say it’ll always be a part of me want her for more than a friend. But possible to be friend.

 

And I know as well it would be better for me to stay away from her.

 

What’s do you think?