How could he do this?

[codaaurora]

You know the old story of miners who find what they think is gold, they fight for it and die for it and finally get it to town after hurting everyone in their path, sometimes even themselves, only to find that the gold that they found isn't really gold at all, but Fool's Gold? That's the way I feel right now, like both the miner and the victim he ran over on his way into town.

 

My ex has been seeing someone, he met her about 6 weeks ago, and she is 13 years his junior and is in her very early twenties. Okay, fine. That hurts on several different levels. Not just the fact that he is serious with someone, of course there is pain there because of that, but that's natural. The hurt and anger is from....how could someone his age become serious so quickly (after only a couple of days) with someone so much younger. It makes me wonder what type of person it was that I was with for almost 9 years and whether he ever really was the person I thought he was.

He said some pretty mean things yesterday, he made some horrible statements, he accused me of things that he should know that I'm not and never have been. Then, after one problem was resolved, he asked if he could use my new SUV (that he helped me buy when we were still together, not montarily, but he helped me get all the research done and to get the loan) for a business venture that we started when we were still together. I told him I would consider it, but only on the understanding that she (the new gf) would not be in my vehicle and he asked WHY NOT. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. He said he didn't understand and asked why I hated her. I told him that I didn't hate her but I didn't want his new woman in my car. He brought up an ex who's gf I was friends with and I was like "Yes, but that was more than a YEAR after we had broken up, not two months after." I was more hurt by this than any of the mean things that he said to me earlier. I couldn't believe that this person that I had loved, still love, could even THINK that it wouldn't be a problem with me that his new girlfriend be in MY vehicle. It's not that he doesn't know how I feel about him. He does. This devastated me. It hurt that he would even think that he could take her in my car. It hurt that he didn't understand even after I explained it to him. It hurt that he thought I could just stop my feelings for him as easily and as quickly as he did for me. It hurt that someone who said that they still love me (even if it's not romantic love) could DO that to me. I began to have these feelings of hate towards him and then felt guilty for having them. I began to question why I still even had feelings for someone who would be so callous. I began to question everything.

 

He was such a good person. We didn't break up because he was a mean, horrid, wretched man. We broke up because I felt ignored, because I felt he was spending his life in studying and not setting time aside to spend with me, because I didn't FEEL loved anymore. No other reason. He was always good to me, he could be hard to live with, no doubt about that, he could be a real tyrant sometimes, but he always gave me everything I ever wanted. He was thoughtful and considerate (when he had the time to be LOL). He is/was a very good man. When I was little, I had an image of my prince charming, an image of a man with a bright smile and blue flashing eyes who was quick to laugh. He was someone who made me laugh all the time and that I could be myself with, totally. Someone who would hold my heart as much as my beloved father did, who I could talk to and say anything with and who would respect me for my mind. My ex was the first man in my life to be all those things and so much more. But people change, and I hope and pray to God in Heaven that he is NOT changing into this person that he is being right now. I pray that he is reacting to a situation that he is unhappy or scared in. I pray that it's anything but him changing into this new person, because I don't really like this new person.

 

You know, people change with their environment, their influences, and the people they associate with. So the only thing that I can hope is that he isn't really this person who could say mean and horrid things and is just reacting to the new behaviour that he associates with. I can only hope that the person he used to be, the kind understanding person, is still in there somewhere and is just in hiding while he is busy trying to impress this new girlfriend, that he isn't turning into someone I don't know and wouldn't want to know if I was only meeting him now, for the first time. I have to believe these things; otherwise I have been deceiving myself about who he is all along. The hard part is, if it is true that he is allowing other people's character or personalities to influence him, it will be hard understanding that he is weak enough in character, in who he is as a person, to allow outside influences change who he has been. This is a damned if you do and damned if you don't situation and I hate it. I hate having these bad feelings for someone that I was going to marry, that I committed my life to, that I still love. It's confusing and hurtful and I don't like it. God help me, I don't want to dislike him, but I feel myself slowly sliding towards that.

[vhshowdown]

coda, i am real sorry you are going thru all this BS. But in all fairness, alot of times we all say stuff in the heat of the moment. I agree with yu though, I wouldnt want someone my EX is seeing to enjoy something of mine, etc... Just not happening, so I agree with you here. He really doesnt have a leg to stang on, he knows it, thus the arguing.

 

After any break up, it is natural to have anger feelings, hate feelings, etc.. towards the one who we love. Learning to get this anger under control is the key. I think right now your best bet is not to talk with him for awhile, let things hopefully cool down. Cause it is obvious he has issues with himself right now, whether it be his anger, his new gf, whatever. Give him some space, and take your space, and do your best to get busy and improve on yourself, make yourself happy, etc...

 

and also we will help you get a plan together like keefy suggested yesterday. cheer up, life goes on, and just know we love you and we will be here for ya girl....

[codaaurora]

Thank you so much V, I really needed to hear from one of you. I've been upset ever since then and I didn't sleep at all last night.

 

I've somehow lost my way here guys. I was one the path, it was a little rocky, but that's ok, I had my hiking boots on, but then night came and there were no stars or moon and I fell off the path. When morning came I was in this desolate, barren wasteland and God can't hear me calling for help. That's the way I feel you know? I need a lifeline here.

 

I feel almost like maybe it's my small hope of a future with him that's causing these lows to be so bad. Maybe I should just let go of that hope too? But just thinking about it makes me feel like I need to crawl in a hole and die. Perhaps I'm in denial? Maybe I need to decide that we have no future and whatever happens happens? I don't know if I can do that and make it through.

 

Help me.

[DN]

I think he is not being very sensitive to your feelings in having any contact, but I also think you should get the message that he really thinks the relationship with you is over. It is so hard to accept that someone you loved so much and thought loved you at the ame level has moved on and is with someone else.

 

The girl's age is irrelevant, and in your heart of hearts, you probably know that. Whoever he was with would be wrong for him in some way in your eyes - unless it was you. By focusing on her age you are giving yourself a false hope that he will 'come to his senses', as it were, and come back to you. The fact that he is with someone so quickly shows that he was probably not into the relationship with you as much as you thought.

 

It is really in your best interests to accept that this is over, get over him as quickly as you can and move on. Agonising over his decisions and behaviour cannot possibly help you. Good luck and I hope you regain happiness as soon as possible.

[codaaurora]

Thanks DN, I know it seems that I'm obsessing over the younger girl because it's "not me" but truly that's not it. He dated another girl closer to our age and while it hurt, it wasn't as bad you know? I was happy cause he seemed happy with her, but that only lasted 2 weeks. Now this new girl, I don't, his being with her (and she is very immature from the things that people tell me, w/o me asking) makes me feel.......I don't know.....like, did I ever really know him and then that makes me question myself. You understand?

 

I'm trying so hard to just move on. I go out but I'm not ready for anything serious and tell people this. I'm taking it easy, working out, reading and writing and not calling him or contacting him unless it's to return his phone calls to me. I never told him that I wanted no contact and I think he would respect that if I asked for it.

 

I am just at a loss as to what to do anymore.

[Mun]

How about some NC? can you do it?

 

I really see no point in you continuing to talk with him. He is not making an attempt to get back with you--you are only hurting more and more. I know it won't be easy, but I think that maybe you should be on your own so that you can start healing and moving on.

 

You see, you are getting a glimpse of the person he is, maybe not the one you saw...but sometimes love blinds us. Or maybe he really is changing- he is becoming who he really is? Does it matter? The things you say he accused you of.. are you sure you weren't doing them... what if this is how he perceived you and you didn't know it ?

 

In any case, you need to back off from him. Cut contact if possible so that you can get yourself together... and don't lend him your vehicle... what nerve to even ask !! ugh!!

[DN]

Yes, it is hard and I do sympathise. I think perhaps you should ask him to not contact you, and also ask your friends not to give you updates on what he is doing and who he is seeing. They may be trying to make you feel better by saying things like 'she is immature' but how can that help? And it is obviously not.

 

The hard fact is that you can only get past this by not thinking about him. That is hard enough but how can you begin to do that if you see him and hear about him.

 

Somebody gave a good analogy once of how we form a connection with someone. Instead of there being one large connection there are in fact many that form over time. The initial attraction is one but others are added: the shared interests, the little intimacies that couples develop, the sexual comfort, the emotional strength given to each other, knowing his likes, dislikes and quirks, getting to know his family, becoming familiar with his smell, his body, his mind and emotions. As time goes by these connections get stronger and are added to by shared experiences.

 

When you separate from someone, it takes time for these connections to be severed - it doesn't happens overnight, especially if you are not the one who ended the relationship. The fact that he is still talking to you is an indication that all his connections to you are not severed yet but are just in the process. But those connections that bound him to you are gone, and the ones that are left are, for him, those of friendship not those of a lover. Sometimes, the 'friendship' connections are never gone and that is why people can remain friends with the their exes.

 

But for you, the 'lover' connections are still there, or at least enough of them to cause you pain. You have to give them time to disconnect, so that you can heal and become an individual person again - instead of a partner with him, which is what your connections to him are still telling your sub-conscious mind. These contacts with him, and hearing about him from others, are not allowing that to happen.

[codaaurora]

Muneca,

 

Yeah, I'm sure that I was never doing them. For example, he said that everytime he came to me with an idea, I would fight with him and it was impossible to talk to me. So, to offset that, here is something of an example. He came to me back before 9/11 and wanted to invest 5 grand in stocks, he felt confidant that he could double this in a short time. I said that was fine, I would rather it pay off the bills but if he didn't think it would hurt us financially to go for it. So he did and then 9/11 happened and we lost it all. I didn't say anything, it wasn't his fault you know? But then after that he wanted to invest another 5 grand (around Jan of the next year) and I said no, I don't want to do that again, it's not the right thing to do right now and we got into an argument and I finally got tired of battling over it and said to do whatever he wanted to do and he did and then lost all of that. I never said anything about it at the time because I was so mad. After I calmed down I tried to talk about it and he started an argument by saying that I argued with him about it in the first place (the first time). His perceptions of me I believe are a bit scewed, it's like he WANTS to believe this about me to make it easier on him??? I always tried to talk to him first, always, and he would then say and do things that would set a match to the fire and when I would ask for a time out so I could calm down he would throw in that that was just like me, getting in what I wanted to say and then cutting off the conversation. I would tell him, no, i just don't want to be angry and not hear you, let me calm down and he never would and then the battles would grow.

 

I mean, I'm a psychology major, I know how to diffuse situations before they turn into an argument, but with him it was almost impossible. If I just told him I was going to take 5 mins to calm down and go to my room and shut and lock the door, he would stand outside the door yelling about what a B I was being and how he was going to leave and stay gone. Of course, that would pull me out and the fight would be on again. Sometimes you just couldn't win with him.

[codaaurora]

But for you, the 'lover' connections are still there, or at least enough of them to cause you pain. You have to give them time to disconnect, so that you can heal and become an individual person again - instead of a partner with him, which is what your connections to him are still telling your sub-conscious mind. These contacts with him, and hearing about him from others, are not allowing that to happen.

 

Yes, this is it exactly. Plus, I was always the nuturer, I always took care of everything and everyone, most importantly him. I felt obligated to. I had this voice in the back of my head telling me that I HAD to take care of this. So I would. And now, even though a part of me is screaming "This is BS" the other part, the part still connected to him, is saying "You must do this, you must take care of him".

 

I just want this all to be over. I'm going to give him some of the money in a lump some (I can't afford all), call him to tell him I deposited it and why I couldn't give the full amount and then stop calling him back period. I don't care if he threatens to never speak to me again or not to be my friend or that I'm being a selfish B or anything. I love him, but by God I need some peace and some healing. I can't take this anymore. It feels, well, it feels almost abusive.

[Mun]

he would stand outside the door yelling about what a B I was being and how he was going to leave and stay gone. Of course, that would pull me out and the fight would be on again. Sometimes you just couldn't win with him.

 

Oh boy it doesn't sound like a very loving relationship .

 

Codaurora.. Run! don't walk --away from him...and pray for the poor girl who has him now.

[chai714]

codaaurora,

Like I tell others, there is no need to be a spectator and watch him have a relationship with this new girl (yes, I said girl, because the diff. between you and her is that you're a woman, she's a girl). Don't let him borrow your car, because he has shown you no respect. Although you've known him for all those years, it's time to NC him for now.

 

Try not to put him down in front of others. It's normal to be angry, but you can be the bigger person by not bad-mouthing him. Channel that anger in the gym. You can always turn any negative into a positive, even though sometimes heartbreaks feel like death. Keep in mind that the grass is always greener on YOUR side. You've got a good head on your shoulders and will come out on top of this. Have faith in yourself, and work on the power of positive.

[codaaurora]

Muneca,

 

Thanks hon, that actually felt good. Someone seeing it from my perspective, he was my best and only friend for so long, that I sort of lost perspective of the real world and lived in his "world", which I beginning to see as being all a one way street.

 

CHAI

 

Thank you so much for that. I have been working out, but since last night I've been on a major funk and have this scared, I did something wrong feeling in the pit of my stomach. I think I'm going to not even return the calls he makes to me. Before, I wouldn't call him unless he left me a message, now, I don't think I will do even that.

[annie24]

Well - I have a couple of things to add. First, like Muneca said, don't lend him the car! Actually, I agree, I think NC starting ASAP would be the best for you.

 

Obviously, we're all posting to make you feel better, but I don't think it's fair to start calling his new gf a "girl" and talking about how immature she is. You don't know her. You said yourself in a previous post that she's in college, has a part-time job, and has 2 kids. It sounds like she's a woman with real responsibilities to me. True, I bet you've also had tons to deal with yourself. I just don't think that she's the right person to focus your bad feelings on. She didn't do anything wrong in the situation - the man she started dating was single.

 

In any case, tell your friends that you don't want to hear updates either. Just do NC - remove this man from your life. Good luck!

[codaaurora]

Hey Annie, actually, she doesn't have any children and she has since quit the 10 hour a week part time job she had at Starbucks cause "it was like tooo difficult? and like I never see any of my frieeends?" getting my drift?

 

Plus, the people that told me about it originally came up to tell me what she was saying about me. I suppose to start drama as they are all 22-23 themselves. Not my friends, just people who happen to be interning in my company, they were here before K and I broke up so knew about him and then this started. I did ask them not to tell me anymore. But some of the things she was saying about me....well.....let's just say weren't very mature. I never mentioned those things to him, I figured let him find out for himself what type of person she is.

[codaaurora]

Oh and please don't take offense, I just saw that you are 24. I'm not saying that all people in their early 20's are immature. I'm just saying that she and her co-horts are.

 

I find that people who spread information like that are usually either just doing to be mean or to start drama but you see the drama thing more with people that are immature or young. BUT not in all cases!

[annie24]

I'm sorry you have to deal with these immature people who are doing this just to make you uncomfortable. Well - you never know - if she's very serious about her studies and is taking hard classes, then yes, even a 10-hour a week job can get in the way. (I don't know how I got the 2 kids in my head though!) I guess she could be immature, she might not be (however, it's totally not cool she's saying bad stuff about you.)

 

I think you're right - in time, he'll figure out who she is. But, I think you shouldn't lend him the car, because he'll probably drive around with her somewhere at some point, and if that makes you feel uncomfortable, then don't do it. It doesn't matter that he "helped you" (you said he just helped with choosing it and finding a lender - it's not like he actually helped pay for it.) So, don't feel bad about not lending the car.

 

Clean, hard breaks are the easiest, I think...

[codaaurora]

That's no problem annie, you didn't know cause I didn't go that deep into it. Just to give you a taste, she called me a "Frigid B" and that was just the tip of the iceberg.

 

Oh, and there is no way on God's green earth that he is getting my car when he can't understand why I would be upset if she were in it. NO WAY.

 

Oh well, I'm going to contact him once more today (I have to for reason's other than stated here, it's actually in re to what we originally argued over) and then I'm done. Let him call. Let him threaten to not speak with me again....I can hear it now.....

 

"Ok, well since your not returning my calls, I guess that means that we aren't even friends anymore so I'll stop calling you, have a nice life and if you never hear from me again, you'll know why, this is just like you, blah blah, blah".

 

Lord give me strentgh.

[annie24]

Well... the reason she was calling you Frigid B is probably because he said something to her along those lines about your relationhip. Which makes me like the both of the even less!

 

Yeah.. you don't even have to explain it to him. He obviously doesn't get why it would bother you to have her in your car.

 

Hmm.... the more you write about him, the less I like him! It sounds like he's finally showing his true colors. Be happy that things are over with him. I think you deserve a lot better!

[crash45]

Coda I agree with muneca, run as far away as you can from this guy, he sounds like he has some personal issues that he needs to deal with, you say he was loving and sweet, but it seems that he was that way only when he got his way. Like I told you in our PM's I am here if you need a shoulder to lean on

[codaaurora]

Thank you all for the kind words and encouragement. You know, I know that I have painted a very bad picture of him, but honestly, we all act crazy when we are in love or in pain. And people in love tend to cause each other the most pain. When we were together, he was not this horrible person. He has his faults, but so do I. He's not a terrible person now, I just think that right now he's in a situation that he doesn't know how to deal with and he's taking it out on the one person he always felt comfortable with, me.

 

But I'm not going to be doing that anymore. I'm not going to be answering his calls anymore. Maybe someday when I feel better, but not right now.

[annie24]

I think it's a good idea not to talk to him for a while. You know, maybe I'm idealistic, but I just don't feel like people who love each other should cause each other pain. But, oh well. I'm glad you've put your foot down. I think in time, he'll realize that he made a dumb move, but I suspect by that time, you'll have moved on.

 

Good luck!

[codaaurora]

One can only hope annie. I mean, don't get me wrong, I don't want to completely move on as I feel that if he and I can get past our insecurities we would make an awesome couple (we did even with the insecurities), but I want to be at that place where it doesn't hurt so much when he does things like this. That I can not feel the need to defend myself and just say "Well, I can't change what he thinks by reacting to him". That's what I want most of all. To be in that place.