Jump to content

Cheating, visa, and marriage: how to deal with all of this?


darter

Recommended Posts

Hello, everybody, and thanks in advance for reading such a long question.

 

Let's start with some premises here: I met A. in May 2016, I am a 28 years old Italian man, and she is a 25 years old Russian woman - she was in Rome for vacation. She went back to Moscow, but we kept in contact through chats and Facebook, and we decided to meet in Prague after few weeks. The meeting was lovely. Still, those days made me confused, because I noticed that she was hiding from me some photos that she posted on Facebook. Problems started immediately after: for the whole summer she was elusive, not really willing to communicate.

 

We met again in Italy in September - at the time in which I was choosing between 2 offers for a new job, one in London, the other in Rome. I discussed these offers with her, and she suggested me to accept the opportunity in London. The days after she said me she loved me, and she wanted to come in London with me. Once again, I was very happy, until the moment in which I discovered - in October - that until September included she was still with her old boyfriend. Totally in panic, I deleted a vacation that I bought for us, and I accepted the other job in Rome (luckily, because I love it and I live in my country). I told her that, if she wanted, she would have been more than welcome in coming to Rome, but I would not have done steps in other directions. Although - according to her - suffering because of this change, she did it, and after we spent Christmas together she came to Rome in mid-February with a student visa, that was valid until July. Even at that time, I discovered she had a S. Valentine dinner with her old boyfriend, but I decided to ignore it.

 

I rented a big apartment, with garden for us, and we started living together - although I had still difficulties, and some days preferred to sleep in my older apartment. Day after day I increased my trust in her, and in us, and I tried to give her the best that I could, despite my long working hours. It seemed to me we where happy, except for one thing. She wanted to be married, because it was not possible for her that a person who loves can send her partner back to Russia, and because she came to Rome to be with me. I really much appreciated her efforts, but I was not ready for marriage and I clarified this multiple times. On the other hand, I found an opportunity for a startup visa, using an idea of mine and sponsoring the whole thing by myself for her. Although I made this proposal to her, asking to be in Moscow for just 2-3 months to fix the visa procedures, she said she felt humiliated. She rejected any of my proposals (and she did not even try to send a CV somewhere), because only marriage was a valid alternative for her. Otherwise, it would have meant I did not love her.

 

Eventually, July arrived, and she had to go back, with these discussions regarding marriage going over and over. The first day she was in Moscow, I bought her a ticket to come to Italy after 3 weeks, to be with me for 5 days for an important event I take part every year. She had a lot of doubts, she kept arguing and was not sure if she wanted to come. In the end she came, and I saw on her phone some naked photos, and we had a lot of discussions for marriage. After she went back, I discovered she was sexting and sending naked pics with another man. Time after time, I also learned she asked this man help for a reconstruction she had ongoing in Moscow, and that she kissed him (although I did not have any proof of them having sex, and she said it never happened). She wanted a pause, and after a terrible 5-days time for me, once again, I decided to forgive her and to give a last opportunity - asking her to stop seeing both the old boyfriend and this man. Totally. I even proposed her to go myself to Moscow for few months: she initially rejected, and then accepted (although she required me to go to live for some time also to London). Few days passed, with a lot of pain for both of us, and she went to a dinner with some friends. I came to discover there was this other man at the dinner. I sent her a message asking if it was the case, and she answered that she would have gone away before he arrived. At that point, given she kept lying, I closed every communication with her, blocked her on any social media, except emails. Now she is sending emails to me (to which I answered) and she is saying that she had a lot of pain inside, because she felt unsafe, and I left her going without giving her any confirmation. She said that she made a mistake, but she wants to love and take care of me for the whole life. She sends pictures of her crying and is praying me to get back together.

 

I don't know what to do. I lost any sense of wrong and right, and I would really much appreciate opinions, suggestions, and ideas from anybody.

Link to comment

Ciao! Anch'io vivo a Roma, da 4 anni. E bellissima, questa citta! Sei Romano?

 

OP, I know three other Italian men who have had extremely similar experiences with Russian women (To any Russian woman reading this, please, do not take offense. We understand there is a particular demographic who behaves this way and is not representative of the entire population)

 

Their stories are nearly identical to yours, and each one of them has learned the hard way that the women were pursuing them solely for an EU passport. It is crazy how yours follows the exact same pattern. Cheating and dishonesty included, which continued after each couple married. This woman is praying you take her back because she wants Italian residency and, later, citizenship. Her sob story is the same as the other three I know personally.

 

Don't fall for it. There won't be a happy ending for you. PM me if you would like to talk further, I can shed some more light on my friends' experiences.

Link to comment

Seriously?! She sends pictures of herself...crying???? What clown IS this? I keep imagining her trying to cry and deciding how to contort her face so it can be, like, the best crying selfie everrrrr..............

 

Jokes aside, this thing is a real piece of work. She keeps pressuring you for marriage, marriage, marriage while she goes off to cheat with other men. Clearly, she isn't interested in marrying you because she loves you or something along those lines. There's definitely an ulterior motive here.

 

You did the right thing. What an awful, cringy person she is.

Link to comment

You got played. But it was mostly your fault. You kept buying tickets and stuff when she had already broken your trust. Even if she looks like a top Russian model(I know how difficult it is to think straight in this case ), logic needs to prevail. You did good getting rid of her.

Link to comment

Well.....she was cheating and running around with various men from day one. So sorry, but I don't see any great love lost here.

 

Spare your sanity and just block her completely and move on.

 

I mean take the whole Russian and visa thing out of the picture and what do you have? Just some chic who is running around with multiple men, lying, hiding, sneaking around, cheating and doing who knows what else. You don't need this garbage in your life. People like that, of course, are very good at manipulating you emotionally. Just keep in mind that whatever bs she is telling you about her love and pain, she is also feeding the same bs to every other man in her life because it works time and again. A proven effective technique to string along any number of men. At the end of the day, you are just another guy in her stable of guys. So do yourself a favor, stop being her gullible fool #205, block her, move on, find a woman who will actually be loyal and genuinely loving toward you.

Link to comment

MissCanuck, vivo a Roma, ma non sono Romano I'd be glad to have some information privately, but seems like I cannot PM.

 

Anyway, thank you all for the support. I know, there is a lot that happened. But I tend to assume people are genuine, and maybe I am wrong. For sure, she messed up everything, and it is time to move on. In this moment, I am probably trying to find some more confirmation regarding this, but I am aware to have done the right thing.

Link to comment
MissCanuck, vivo a Roma, ma non sono Romano I'd be glad to have some information privately, but seems like I cannot PM.

 

Anyway, thank you all for the support. I know, there is a lot that happened. But I tend to assume people are genuine, and maybe I am wrong. For sure, she messed up everything, and it is time to move on. In this moment, I am probably trying to find some more confirmation regarding this, but I am aware to have done the right thing.

 

She IS being genuine in the sense that she is not a woman who can be loyal, she needs attention and drama from many sources. There is nothing disingenuous about that, but perhaps it's just not the type of person you want to waste your emotional energy on.

Link to comment

I am so sorry that this happened. It seems that she would just like to get out of Russia and you are her opportunity. Do not lose hope you will meet someone special. I would break up permanently. I am glad you stayed in Rome - where you already live. If you are still keeping two apartments, i would get rid of one of them. Be careful to fall in love with women who are on vacation and are looking for romance or to scam people.

Link to comment
I don't know. She is kind of alright in Moscow. She has a decent job and good salary, so I am confused about this.

 

Darter, my dear friend (one of the Italian men) also got involved with a woman who had a decent life in Russia. Ultimately though, she wanted to leave the country and reside in the EU. My friend only really understood this when she pushed - hard - for marriage very quickly.

 

He got married two years ago and they live here in Rome now, too. He is now seeing that she is not the woman he thought she was and has continued to communicate with various men, inappropriately. It is not the love-based marriage he hoped for. But she has her Italian residency and permit of stay (through him, of course) and will likely obtain citizenship in the next couple of years. I have no doubt in my mind she will not remain married to him after that.

 

Please be careful. This woman you're involved with is showing so many of the same warning signs.

Link to comment
I don't know. She is kind of alright in Moscow. She has a decent job and good salary, so I am confused about this.

 

Lots of intelligent, educated, successful people would give their arm, leg, and a kidney to get out of that country. So don't be surprised that you are being used. That said, even if you take away the visa situation and simply look at who she is as a person, it's still not a pretty picture, in fact it's seriously problematic. Don't beat yourself up for not seeing it earlier. I mean when you meet someone, they don't exactly tell you what bad things they carry. You do have figure it out on your own and that takes times. Thing is that now you know, so do yourself a favor and cut off all contact for good. No need to subject yourself to anymore of this.

Link to comment

She is using you for an EU passport - her dream is To live in London and you know this just as much as we do.

 

Trust me there are plenty of fish in the sea - don't waste your time over this rotten fish! Get out! Block her! While you still can and free from any sexual disease!

Link to comment
  • 2 weeks later...

Darter, there are only two correct ways to act here:

 

1) Ignore her completely. Block all means of communication, done - over. Burn any and all memories of her on a bonfire. - BEST OPTION

 

2) Play as if you are still in the game. Promise to marry her. Bring her to Rome (SHE HAS TO PAY HER OWN TICKET) - have as much sex as you want, use her as you desire. Don't waste money on her, don't buy her anything. Keep promising marriage, or whatever you want to keep her around, just don't waste money on her. Eventually she will leave on her own. She doesn't want you, she wants a visa. Use her the way she used/wants to use you. - NOT the best option. I don't think you are cold hearted enough to do this sort of thing.

Link to comment

I met a man who's sister and brother in law live in Brazil. He goes to visit his sister and meets a beautiful young woman, who after returning to the US sends for her and marries her. 2 years and several tantrums later he lets her go to live with her brother in New York, because living in the San Fernando Valley of California was not what she had expected. She had watched too many reality shows and thought she be living on or near Rodeo Drive and dining with movies stars.

Link to comment
She has been able to contact me, and now I am again in a total confusion. She says she's ready to do everything to keep me with her, and that she made a real mistake and she knows it. I really am not sure if I can trust her or not, but I still love her.

 

Sorry, you cannot trust her. She has other men. Someone who loves you wouldn't treat you this way. There are other women - you just have to break all contact for good and you will eventually realize that

Link to comment
I really did. If she didn't find a way to contact me I'd not be in this situation again. But she came out with this proposal: let's live in our countries and meet as much as possible to re-build trust.

 

Please stop wasting your time. Also, if you have blocked her and she found a way around that through some fake accounts or numbers, that's psycho territory. This isn't flattering and it doesn't show caring. This shows that she is very much crazy and that at this point this has become a game for her where she is determined to win at all costs and winning means fooling you completely to get her way. Her personal ego is on the line here and more importantly, she thinks that you are a suitable victim and will bend if she pushes hard enough.

 

Please just block and keep on blocking her. Do not allow any more contact. There is nothing for you to discuss and no unresolved business here that you need to talk to her about. If she is calling from a number you don't recognize, just hang up. If e-mail, then delete. This is down to your own survival and sanity.

Link to comment

Ahhh, why stuff like this never happen to me? They hit the sensitive guys.

 

I like the second scenario of AtitAgain but it would be a difficult game. OP, just cut contact. Simple as that. The more time you waste on her, the more susceptible you become.

Link to comment
Yes, I know that you are all right. I am doing it gradually. What makes it difficult is that she is trying everything. She even went to a psychologist for couples to get suggestions, and help, and came up with a lot of proposals to overcome this.

 

Its not about her seeing the light and trying to change --- this is who she is. its her character. Don't fall for this!!!

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...