Child Abuse led to cheating?

[robin13]

Recently after going 17 days no contact I thought I would contact my ex. She was happy when I did, said she was still so upset when she thinks about etc. that she wished I never cheated. I told her it didn't have to be this way but again she maintained she couldn't get over me cheating.

 

I have no idea why I cheated, I tried so hard to get her back. But recently I've obv tried to improve myself and make changes to my life so I wouldn't make the same mistakes again. I found a lot of articles on how Emotional, verbal and physical abuse as a child all can lead to unfaithfulness in relationships. My dad did abuse me, he recently passed away 2 years ago when I was 18 and this greatly affected our relationship. I've tried explaining this to her.

 

I really do think that I didn't cheat or treat her badly out of choice, it was more out of circumstance and upbringing. If any Girls or guys are reading this, would you take back a cheating ex if they had genuine reasons and issues like I did? Do you think I'm being unreasonable to ask for a chance and forgiveness?

[ThatwasThen]

I certainly would not, particularly if the cheater wasn't in therapy to overcome his excuse for cheating. In this case your excuse is your father mistreating you. If the "genuine issues" are not dealt with, then its pretty much certain that the cheating will happen again.

 

Are you being unreasonable to ask for forgiveness? I don't think so but I do think you are being unreasonable if you pressure her any further. You've talked about it and she's given you her answer so learn from your mistakes, work on your issues with a therapist who can actually delve into it with you and help you to move on from her. She knows how to reach you if she changes her mind.

[boltnrun]

What you're saying is it wasn't your fault you cheated, but rather your father's.

 

I don't know that many women would accept this excuse. I mean, you are the one who did the actual cheating. It still was a choice no matter what happened to you as a child.

 

And just so you know, I was abused as a child. For many, many years. And it still would be my fault if I cheated on a partner.

 

I agree that therapy is called for in order for you to take responsibility for your choices and to learn to make better ones in the future. But as far as this ex, I wouldn't count on her coming back to you.

[Doc Blaze]

thing is,it might of been a reason, but its still an an excuse.

 

I have friends who on paper had the perfect family upbringing and they cheated on their gf/bf.

 

I would not take back my ex in most situations.

 

if someone came to me saying this and was not getting some kind of professional help with their issues, i would not even entertain the thought on working on the relationship.

[HeartGoesOn]

If any Girls or guys are reading this, would you take back a cheating ex if they had genuine reasons and issues like I did? Do you think I'm being unreasonable to ask for a chance and forgiveness?

 

The only genuine reason for cheating is it's a conscious choice one makes, therefore it's preventable. If you have the time to cheat, you have the time to think about it...plain and simple.

 

Yes, I think you are being unreasonable. The best you can do is to move forward, and take this lesson with you.

[shellyf62]

My ex had a bad upbringing and cheated, I had a bad upbringing & would never ever cheat.

 

It is all about the choices you make. You chose to cheat, own up to your decision & dont blame others for your poor choice.

[figureitout23]

Recently after going 17 days no contact I thought I would contact my ex. She was happy when I did, said she was still so upset when she thinks about etc. that she wished I never cheated. I told her it didn't have to be this way but again she maintained she couldn't get over me cheating.

 

I have no idea why I cheated, I tried so hard to get her back. But recently I've obv tried to improve myself and make changes to my life so I wouldn't make the same mistakes again. I found a lot of articles on how Emotional, verbal and physical abuse as a child all can lead to unfaithfulness in relationships. My dad did abuse me, he recently passed away 2 years ago when I was 18 and this greatly affected our relationship. I've tried explaining this to her.

 

I really do think that I didn't cheat or treat her badly out of choice, it was more out of circumstance and upbringing. If any Girls or guys are reading this, would you take back a cheating ex if they had genuine reasons and issues like I did? Do you think I'm being unreasonable to ask for a chance and forgiveness?

 

Not if he was doing things like this:

 

Guys but I blocked her out, I didn't even reply to her snap chat about why I was blocking her out? Okay... so I just checked my instagram there and she had me blocked on it, and she just unblocked me on it after I blocked her on snap chat? I know this sounds so immature but I mean, I'm not overly bothered by it, I'm just up for stupid games. Should I just leave it?

 

Just being honest. You'd want me to take you seriously after playing these games? You can give me any explanation in the world, if your actions are showing me you haven't/are not going to change, why on earth would I want to go back?

[robin13]

here is the thing though. I am now 20 Years old. I cheated two years ago when I was 18 on holidays with my family. It was a drunken kiss. I only told her about 4 months ago because I felt guilty after we ended and I was alot more mature and realised if we were going to get back together there should be no secrets. I am a very different person now compared to who I was two years ago? I live on my own now, I've done a year of college. I personally think that her not taking me back for that incident two years ago is a bit harsh, considering that I more than made up for it recently. She says that the only reason why she can't be with me because I lied to her for two years. Which is fair enough, but still, we had such a connection and I'd never do it again

[robin13]

She came back to me at the start of summer, I spent £400 on her. She acted so happy, started getting more distant. She cried her eyes out to me becasue she slept about so much when we ended that she was worried I would never speak to her again, but I took her back. She then ditched me a few days later becasue she "couldn't get over what I did."

[mustlovedogs]

She doesn't have to get over it, regardless of how much you spend.

[boltnrun]

But the fact that you're still trying to blame someone else for your actions shows you haven't accepted responsibility.

 

Bottom line, if she doesn't want to get back together, you won't. It has to be the both of you wanting it.

 

You're very young, so it's great that you're learning this lesson now. In the future you will probably think twice before deciding to cheat or to lie.

[robin13]

Yeah she does. She will never do better than me.

[Jibralta]

I really do think that I didn't cheat or treat her badly out of choice, it was more out of circumstance and upbringing. If any Girls or guys are reading this, would you take back a cheating ex if they had genuine reasons and issues like I did?

 

Nope. Blaming other people for your mistakes is not a genuine reason. It's an excuse. I only have time for people who take responsibility for their own actions.

[Seraphim]

Yeah she does. She will never do better than me.

 

There are MANY people out there for everyone.

[boltnrun]

Well, you can't demand she come back to you.

 

I mean, you can. but she still doesn't have to. No matter how much "better" you think you are than every other guy out there.

[mustlovedogs]

Yeah she does. She will never do better than me.

 

Lol...

 

I'm sure she can do better than a delusional 20 year old who can't accept responsibility for his screw ups who also cheats.

[figureitout23]

Yeah she does. She will never do better than me.

 

I get the feeling this is about control and not actually wanting her back. You fully admit you treated her bad on top of cheating, add to it the games youre playing...this isnt remorse, its manipulation, you want your toy back. You're young so you can turn this around before you become a full blown abusive ahole, I hope for your sake you do. Prisons are overcrowded as it is.

[throwitaway201]

Everyone enjoys self-esteem boosts and self-validation. But cheaters seem to be unable to resist the temptation. In many cases, cheaters have low self-esteem, which can be a result of poor upbringings and emotional abuse. That is the link. But it is still your decision and choice to cheat in the moment. Regardless of how cognisant you were at the time, you have to live by those choices.

 

Right now, I would look carefully at yourself and your need for validation. Is it a problem? The fact that you really need her in your life and think that she cannot do better than you is a sign that you perhaps have some self-esteem issues (hey, who doesn't?) that are worth working on.

 

So, stay away from her, give her her space, and work on yourself. Be happy in yourself, by yourself, without her.