Head over heels over someone I've never met

[BlueMan79]

So a few months ago I decided to try out online dating. After a weeks of trying it out, I found someone that was perfect for me. We had the same interests, the same goals in life and ultimately wanted the same things.

 

We spoke for three months nearly every day. I asked her to meet up with me and she had a very busy summer, but made it clear that we would meet during her time off this month. A few days before her time off began, I had a bit of siuation where I was having doubts about whether I wanted a relationship, and I didn't really feel like talking to anybody. So I didn't reply to her message for two days and understandably she thought I was playing games with her and didn't want to know me.

 

We managed to get back on talking terms eventually, if very sporadically, but she couldn't forgive me as she still believed I was messing with her, which I really wasn't. This was about four weeks ago now.

 

Anyway, I kept on trying to fix things but to no avail, and then she went on to cut contact with me last night completely and wished me well. I'll be honest, I'm in pieces about it, and I have been for a month. I don't know why I feel this way as I didn't even ever hear her voice, let alone meet her in person.

 

I'm totally and utterly broken over the whole thing. I can't focus on anything, I'm not myself at all and all I want is to go back to the day we started talking again. I guess I've found out the hard way that actually, I want a relationship more than anything right now.

 

Going back to online dating isn't even an option, not only can I not find anybody else that I click with, people generally don't give me the time of the day on there or real life. I also keep seeing this girl on the dating website and it breaks my heart every time.

 

I don't have a big circle of friends, I'm just so lonely, I don't know what to do. I'm scared about the future and I just can't describe how bad I feel right now.

 

Any advice is much appreciated.

[ThatwasThen]

I think you're totally over-reacting. You never met her, you were only talking through text or email and for all you know, she sounds like Alvin the Chipmunk on Steroids, has bad breath and hair where hair shouldn't be growing.

 

Give it a week or so of zero contact and you'll be just fine again when you've realized that what you had with her was nothing but someone to chat to. A one dimensional entity that was a stranger you were having a fantasy in your head about.

 

Go to a site like meetmarketadventures.com or meetup.com and start doing activities in real life that will introduce you to singles, both men and women who are like minded where you can make friends and get yourself out from behind the safety zone of your computer.

 

If you are too timid to do that then consider getting therapy or hook yourself up with a life coach that will help you to get out from under your own negative thoughts.

 

Good luck.

[BoredSamurai]

Also, don't rule out online dating. There are a lot of sites where to find new girls and new users are registering every minute, so even if you don't find someone you might be interested in right now, you might tomorrow. Learn from this experience and correct any mistakes you think you have done this time.

 

I'd also suggest to take online interacting more lightly. They're basically people you don't know, so expect the most weird behaviours from them. I'd also suggest, next time, to take things into real life much earlier than 3 months.

[BlueMan79]

I tried to arrange to meet up with her after about two weeks. Originally she said she wanted to speak to me for a bit longer first which was fine. Then she was always pretty busy but insisted that we'd meet up during her time off. This was, before I messed it up of course.

 

I know how weird it is for me to feel like this over her, but I just can't help it. I miss her like you wouldn't believe. Because we had such common interests as well, anytime that I partake in one of my hobbies it just reminds me of her. I'm broken. 😢

[MissCanuck]

You have no idea if she is perfect for you, OP. You don't know if anything she has told you about herself is true, nor if you'd even have chemistry in person.

 

The problem is that you got attached to an idea of who you think she is, and put all your eggs in that basket. This was based only on an image you have of her, which may or not may not match reality.

 

What is the reason you two never at least spoke on the phone?

[BlueMan79]

To be honest I don't know why we never spoke on the phone. I guess that thought for some reason never even crossed my mind.

 

I sent her a voice message the other day explaining how much I missed her and how sorry I was, then she said she wanted a few days to think. After 3 days I jumped the gun and sent another message tellingher I missed her. Then she proceeded to wish me luck and blocked me.

[katrina1980]

 

We spoke for three months nearly every day. I asked her to meet up with me and she had a very busy summer, but made it clear that we would meet during her time off

 

----

 

A few days before her time off began, I had a bit of siuation where I was having doubts about whether I wanted a relationship, and I didn't really feel like talking to anybody. So I didn't reply to her message for two days and understandably she thought I was playing games.

 

What was this^ about?

 

Have you explored within yourself why you were so keen on meeting her, and then right before you were to meet her, suddenly you had doubts and didn't want to talk to her?

 

This girl is gone. Who knows why, she may never have been all that interested, or she was but lost trust because of your earlier fear/ambivalence. Or whatever it was that caused you to suddenly have doubts.

 

Once trust is gone, very difficult to get back. Especially in situations wherein you've never met in person and the bond is still fragile.

 

Best to chalk this one up, and start focusing on your own motivations and behavior, specifically what caused you to "pull back" right before you were scheduled to meet. And why now that she's gone, you suddenly miss her and want a relationship.

 

You sound a bit conflicted, which can be very confusing for the recipient of such behavior.

[figureitout23]

To be honest I don't know why we never spoke on the phone. I guess that thought for some reason never even crossed my mind.

 

I sent her a voice message the other day explaining how much I missed her and how sorry I was, then she said she wanted a few days to think. After 3 days I jumped the gun and sent another message tellingher I missed her. Then she proceeded to wish me luck and blocked me.

 

Watch catfish. If she didnt want to meet after 2 WEEKS even after talking to you every day she was lying about something. I can guarantee you this without a shadow of doubt.

[katrina1980]

I tried to arrange to meet up with her after about two weeks. Originally she said she wanted to speak to me for a bit longer first which was fine. Then she was always pretty busy but insisted that we'd meet up during her time off. This was, before I messed it up of course.

 

I know how weird it is for me to feel like this over her, but I just can't help it. I miss her like you wouldn't believe. Because we had such common interests as well, anytime that I partake in one of my hobbies it just reminds me of her. I'm broken. 😢

 

Oh I missed this^ post. Yeah that's a bit weird.

 

figureitout could be right, and this girl is now gaslighting you to alleviate her own guilt about not being who she claims to be and/or ever wanting to meet.

 

I would still explore your own behavior though (per my first post) as you do sound somewhat conflicted and your reaction now is a bit over the top as well, imo.

[BlueMan79]

Watch catfish. If she didnt want to meet after 2 WEEKS even after talking to you every day she was lying about something. I can guarantee you this without a shadow of doubt.

 

The thing is, during the time that we did speak she was nearly always busy. I accept that people can be busy, but she was busy constantly. While I say we spoke every day, I'd often not get a message for her for hours and hours, sometimes even a day or two. I guess the reason I started to have doubts was that at times I really felt like she wasn't that interested.

 

She even said to me at one stage that I must be fed up of waiting to meet her, to which she even went as far as to say that she'd understand if I wanted to meet other people.

 

Please somebody tell me that she wasn't really interested in me at all.

[figureitout23]

Oh I missed this^ post. Yeah that's a bit weird.

 

figureitout could be right, and this girl is now gaslighting you to alleviate her own guilt about not being who she claims to be and/or ever wanting to meet.

 

I would still explore your own behavior though (per my first post) as you do sound somewhat conflicted and your reaction now is a bit over the top as well, imo.

 

Yeah but look Kat, I missed this part

 

We spoke for three months nearly every day. I asked her to meet up with me and she had a very busy summer, but made it clear that we would meet during her time off this month. A few days before her time off began, I had a bit of siuation where I was having doubts about whether I wanted a relationship, and I didn't really feel like talking to anybody. So I didn't reply to her message for two days and understandably she thought I was playing games with her and didn't want to know me.

 

 

So now I'm thinking its the both of them.

[katrina1980]

 

So now I'm thinking its the both of them.

 

Yup me too.

[figureitout23]

The thing is, during the time that we did speak she was nearly always busy. I accept that people can be busy, but she was busy constantly. While I say we spoke every day, I'd often not get a message for her for hours and hours, sometimes even a day or two. I guess the reason I started to have doubts was that at times I really felt like she wasn't that interested.

 

She even said to me at one stage that I must be fed up of waiting to meet her, to which she even went as far as to say that she'd understand if I wanted to meet other people.

 

Please somebody tell me that she wasn't really interested in me at all.

 

Yeah, I misspoke and I apologize, you're playing games too, which means

 

1.)One of you is lying about something, or you both are.

 

or

 

2.)You've both built yourselves up so much you either a.) Don't want to ruin the fantasy by meeting or b.) Are afraid you cant live up to the fantasy

 

Come on man, be honest, you don't really want to meet her do you?

[BlueMan79]

Hand on heart, i never once considered that I was not truthful to her about who I am.

 

The other thing I forgot to mention is that she told me that she's a very closed character, likes her own space and that's sometimes she just wants to shut off from the world. She also once told me that she felt that she's better off on her own due to past experiences.

 

Which is another reason why I started to have doubts. The thought did cross my mind at one stage of, if she can't afford me even just half an hour of her time to meet me, then if we ever actually got together, how much would I actually see her?

[katrina1980]

Yeah, I misspoke and I apologize, you're playing games too, which means

 

1.)One of you is lying about something, or you both are.

 

or

 

2.)You've both built yourselves up so much you either a.) Don't want to ruin the fantasy by meeting or b.) Are afraid you cant live up to the fantasy

 

Come on man, be honest, you don't really want to meet her do you?

 

I liked your post figureitout but not sure he's playing "games."

 

He sounds like he may be one of those conflicted guys who, when a woman comes close (as she did when she was finally ready and had time to meet), he becomes unsure and pulls back (which he admitted to), then when she's gone, the pressure is off and he begins to miss her, long for her, obsess.

 

It's hard to know for sure in this case, but in any event, OP she is gone, no longer interested for whatever reason. She may also feel conflicted on some level.

 

As much as I love the show Catfish, this is not always the case, there are lots of different nuances to consider.

 

ETA: Apologies to OP for speaking of him in the third person.

[katrina1980]

Hand on heart, i never once considered that I was not truthful to her about who I am.

 

The other thing I forgot to mention is that she told me that she's a very closed character, likes her own space and that's sometimes she just wants to shut off from the world. She also once told me that she felt that she's better off on her own due to past experiences.

 

Which is another reason why I started to have doubts. The thought did cross my mind at one stage of, if she can't afford me even just half an hour of her time to meet me, then if we ever actually got together, how much would I actually see her?

 

Okay fair enough, that is why you had doubts. Very reasonable.

 

So what changed about that (her) situation that caused you to "stop" having doubts and want to talk to her again and meet her? And for you to be longing for her so much now that she's gone?

 

The reasons why you had doubts are still there!

 

Sorry, I don't mean to be grilling you about this so much, but it's confusing behavior, can you understand that?

 

As I said, I think some introspection into your own behavior and reactions are in order.

 

Forget about her, she's gone.

[BlueMan79]

Yes I totally understand that. I don't really know what it is, I don't know how to explain it, for some reason I just really felt that something special was on the cards here. So when she initially got pissed at me for not contacting for two days I guess that's when it really hit home how I really felt.

 

I know she's gone, but I can't seem to accept it. I sent her a text earlier just in the hope to rekindle things, but I've had no response and I'm pretty sure she's blocked my number.

 

I just feel so useless now. I want her to come back more than anything in the world. I know she's gone.

 

I guess now I can only hope that I can get that kind of connection with somebody else, but I've tried and tried but the whole online dating thing is sucking every bit of confidence out of me. People just either aren't interested, or they'll speak to me for a bit before disappearing. In the meantime I'm feeling more lonely than I ever have before, I've honestly never felt like this before, as if I really have hit rock bottom.

[figureitout23]

Hand on heart, i never once considered that I was not truthful to her about who I am.

 

The other thing I forgot to mention is that she told me that she's a very closed character, likes her own space and that's sometimes she just wants to shut off from the world. She also once told me that she felt that she's better off on her own due to past experiences.

 

Which is another reason why I started to have doubts. The thought did cross my mind at one stage of, if she can't afford me even just half an hour of her time to meet me, then if we ever actually got together, how much would I actually see her?

 

So you do recognize the red flags. May I ask why that's not enough to walk away? I ask this with the understanding that it happens, again, watch catfish, I just wonder why you didn't make meeting a priority? I understand you continued to ask, but you never actually made it a requirement. Whats the reason?

 

Also, did you pull back because of a genuine reason or did you get scared/overwhelmed and chicken out?

[BlueMan79]

I guess I just pulled out because certainly the day before, I got the impression that she wasn't really that interested in me.

 

I'd also like to make it clear that while we'd agreed that we'd meet in principal, I could never tie her down to a firm time or a place. It was always just "we'll definitely meet soon".

[katrina1980]

Not sure why you feel so defeated by OLD, it's how you met this girl isn't it?

 

It's not easy making a connection so keep going and have faith since it happened with this girl, it *will* happen again with someone else.

 

Next time, assuming she is local, do not wait three months to meet.

 

No matter how busy one is, coffee takes 15-30 minutes for heavens sake. An interested person will make that time.

 

So be smart about that.

 

Also, to meet women, go to meet ups. Or just go out and when the opportunity presents itself, approach a girl you think is cute and strike up a casual convo, get her number. Meet for coffee.

 

It will be hard at first but the more you do it, the easier it becomes, practice makes perfect.

 

Stop obsessing about the one that got away and for the love of all things beautiful, stop texting her!

 

Either she's not getting them cause you're blocked, or you're annoying the hell out of her, not to mention every text you send she loses more and more respect for you.

 

I am so sorry you're in pain, but trust me it will pass in time.

 

Acceptance that whatever you had, no matter how briefly, is over and done, is key to your healing and moving on.

 

Apologies if this post sounded too harsh, good luck!

[figureitout23]

Yes I totally understand that. I don't really know what it is, I don't know how to explain it, for some reason I just really felt that something special was on the cards here. So when she initially got pissed at me for not contacting for two days I guess that's when it really hit home how I really felt.

 

I know she's gone, but I can't seem to accept it. I sent her a text earlier just in the hope to rekindle things, but I've had no response and I'm pretty sure she's blocked my number.

 

I just feel so useless now. I want her to come back more than anything in the world. I know she's gone.

 

I guess now I can only hope that I can get that kind of connection with somebody else, but I've tried and tried but the whole online dating thing is sucking every bit of confidence out of me. People just either aren't interested, or they'll speak to me for a bit before disappearing. In the meantime I'm feeling more lonely than I ever have before, I've honestly never felt like this before, as if I really have hit rock bottom.

 

 

I guess I just pulled out because certainly the day before, I got the impression that she wasn't really that interested in me.

 

I'd also like to make it clear that while we'd agreed that we'd meet in principal, I could never tie her down to a firm time or a place. It was always just "we'll definitely meet soon".

 

 

Me personally, I take rejection VERY hard, because of what I've been through in my life, I have issues when it comes to feelings of rejection and abandonment, it hits me harder than the average person, it took counseling to realize this. Because of this, I suffer from anxiety and I have the tendency to hold onto relationships, both friendly and romantic, way past their due date. So now I'm learning to do things to combat negative feelings, to manage my anxiety and to protect myself from situations that will trigger me, ESPECIALLY when it comes to dating, which can be brutal.

 

I say this because, one, I want you to know I am not coming from a place of judgement, but also, I really feel like all that you're feeling right now is about you and not her. People who aren't whole tend to allow themselves to get into situations that have a high probability of hurting them. This situation had so many red flags and you recognize them and still continue. There's a reason for it and its not that you two are star crossed lovers.

[itsallgrand]

I think with what you've said about feeling so lonely, near rock bottom, can definitely impact how a person responds to a date that doesn't come to be. And that's all that happened- you were chatting, trying to get a first meet. It didn't happen. It's not uncommon with dating in general .

 

Maybe try focusing more on feeling better and then dating will look less daunting. Not waiting for some perfection by any means, but building up your life so you feel more fulfilled and resilient without a woman. Dating isn't always for the faint of heart. Disappointments and set backs happen, you can't control all of it no matter how great you are nor how good you get at dating. Being able to handle it without it knocking you on your bum is a good place to be so interactions are so heavily invested , so it can be fun .

[katrina1980]

Me personally, I take rejection VERY hard, because of what I've been through in my life, I have issues when it comes to feelings of rejection and abandonment, it hits me harder than the average person, it took counseling to realize this. Because of this, I suffer from anxiety and I have the tendency to hold onto relationships, both friendly and romantic, way past their due date So now I'm learning to do things to combat negative feelings, to manage my anxiety and to protect myself from situations that will trigger me ESPECIALLY when it comes to dating which can be brutal.

 

I say this because, one, I want you to know I am not coming from a place of judgement, but also I really feel like all that you're feeling right now is about you and not her.

 

 

---

People who aren't whole tend to allow themselves to get into situations that have a high probability of hurting them. This situation had so many red flags and you recognize them and still continue. There's a reason for it and its not that you two are star crossed lovers.

 

^Laxt paragraph. This is such a profound statement.

 

And admittedly, I've done this myself which is one reason why I stayed away from dating for a few months.

 

To understand myself better and determine why I would proceed forward (or remained) in situations that were hurtful to me.

 

I'm in a good place right now. Don't have it all figured out yet but getting there.

 

OP, again take the time to introspect. Really dig deep.

 

This situation was fraught with problems pretty much from the get go.

 

Don't beat yourself up, learn from it, grow, evolve.

 

Every disappointing/hurtful experience is an opportunity to do better next time.

[MissCanuck]

I don't buy that she was just so busy she couldn't meet at least once. What's the point of having an OLD profile if she has no time to meet anyone?

 

She might not even be single, OP.

 

It's a red flag when someone keeps putting you off like that.

[BlueMan79]

Thanks for the replies so far guys.

 

How do I get around the fact that whenever I take part in my two main hobbies in life, I get reminded of her as she's into the same things too? 😢