Boyfriend's Instagram habits causing conflicts in relationship

[whitesand3]

I have been with my boyfriend for over three years. We are both university students and are serious about each other. We have discussed marriage in the near future. We have however had this ongoing problem for over a year now.

 

So here goes:

We met through Instagram, and to this day this social media platform seems to control us. We have had our fair share of trust issues throughout the years, I trusted him wholly at the start of our relationship, he didn’t. He trusts me fully now, and I don’t (mainly due to his criticism on my physique).

 

Cutting to the chase- our ongoing problem is his Instagram habits.

 

For over a year, he has been refusing to unfollow the countless random girls he has been following since he was single. He refuses to stop liking photos of girls he doesn’t know too. I am fine with him appreciating his friends’ photos, unless it is revealing. However, I refuse to comprehend the need for him to continue to appreciate photos of girls he does not know and Instagram models/celebrities. I understand it is okay to find another person attractive other than your SO, but him actually double-tapping these photos after numerous arguments, seems like a level of interaction that is not needed. Why does he feel the need to compliment them?

 

He would like photos of almost naked girls and tell me that he liked the photo purely because of the background, or their tattoos? How believable is this? He has stopped liking bikini photos for the time being, but he stopped last year and started again. So I don’t know how long it is going to last this time around.

 

He tells me over and over, that these girls are not IRL so I should not worry. Nonetheless, they are real people?

 

He is now an aspiring Instagram model. He has created a public page, and has started following random girls again, and liking their photos. His reasoning- he is trying to build his page up. I am okay with him becoming an Instagram model, I do not care for who likes or follows his posts, but I do care for who he follows and likes photos of. I asked him what is more important to him? Me or this Instagram hype? He said both are on the same level. I feel like I will never be good enough for him, that he constantly needs to see these beautiful sexy women on his feed on a daily basis.

 

I do not understand where I stand in this relationship anymore as neither of us are backing down. I continuously feel uncomfortable when he interacts with these hot girls. He said he won’t stop and that the issue is me being insecure and that I do not love myself enough.

 

Alongside this, I am battling depression and anxiety. I am struggling to see if there is a solution for this. Am I being irrational? Please help!

[ThatwasThen]

I do not understand where I stand in this relationship anymore as neither of us are backing down.

There's your answer. He is not taking your feelings on the matter into consideration in the least (he's addicted to the attention and he's full of himself ~ An "Instagram model" *snorts*). Of course, you're not able to accept his addiction (don't know too many that could) either so it appears that your relationship is come to an end as far as you being able to be happy. He's fine because he's having you and his addiction so he wins.

 

My advice: Dump him and find a man instead of a man-boy who is addicted to a social media site to the point he "models" for it. pfffft.

[rosephase]

He criticizes your physique? And then tells you that YOU don't love yourself enough? Sounds like a jerk.

[whitesand3]

I don't know if this makes a difference, but he wanted to be a model before meeting me. I think he is using Instagram to become known in order to model else where

[rosephase]

I don't know if this makes a difference, but he wanted to be a model before meeting me. I think he is using Instagram to become known in order to model else where

 

You've been together for three years. What are the good things about the relationship? Or does he treat you with this kind of disrespect in other aspects as well?

[ThatwasThen]

I don't know if this makes a difference, but he wanted to be a model before meeting me. I think he is using Instagram to become known in order to model else where

Wanting to be a model and pursuing it through proper channels is one thing. Posting yourself on a social media site and pursuing what he thinks are hot woman on that same site are two different things. By his actions he is clearly putting more focus on his fantasy ego fest then he is on you. He doesn't care how you feel he only cares about the kick he gets from flaunting and ogling random chicks who ogle him back.

 

You would never be able to trust him if he ever actually got into the business and is surrounded by female models all day. Get out now... take back your personal power and find a decent guy who isn't full of himself and only concerned with getting his addiction met.

[whitesand3]

You've been together for three years. What are the good things about the relationship? Or does he treat you with this kind of disrespect in other aspects as well?

 

In general, he is able to compromise and negotiate when we have a conflict. He goes out of his way to see me (we live 2 hours from each other). I guess this Instagram thing is the our biggest concern. He tells me that he doesn't want to mix business and pleasure, and that this Instagram thing isn't about me and that it's about him.

He says he will unfollow these girls once his Instagram grows. He tells me that through social media is the easiest way to become a model, which I agree to some extent. But there is something about this that doesn't settle right with me.

[ThatwasThen]

this Instagram thing isn't about me and that it's about him.

No kidding! Egotistical man-boy that he is.

 

Why doesn't he go to a freaking modelling agency if he's so serious about being a model. He's full of it and he's lazy about his career ambitions as well if he thinks someone who would hire him as a model is following him on a app like Instagram. Good grief.

 

But there is something about this that doesn't settle right with me.

Listen to your gut.

[Doc Blaze]

No kidding! Egotistical man-boy that he is.

 

Why doesn't he go to a freaking modelling agency if he's so serious about being a model. He's full of it and he's lazy about his career ambitions as well if he thinks someone who would hire him as a model is following him on a app like Instagram. Good grief.

 

Listen to your gut.

 

you can make a lot of money through instagram, snapchat, youtube selling youself....not sticking up for her bf..i am just saying

 

thats how a lot of models, fitness people etc. do it nowadays...

 

they all have business instagram pages.

[whitesand3]

you can make a lot of money through instagram, snapchat, youtube selling youself....not sticking up for her bf..i am just saying

 

thats how a lot of models, fitness people etc. do it nowadays...

 

they all have business instagram pages.

 

Yes, that's true indeed.

But do you think I am being irrational about setting boundaries with other girls on Instagram? Or should I let him do "whatever it takes" to get out there?

[DanZee]

I love questions like this! This is the typical Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus type question. All women who respond to this will agree with you that he's cheating on you just by following beautiful half-naked women on Instagram. And that if he cared for "your feelings" he would do as you say. (A lot of women get caught up in that game: "If you love me you will visit with my parents." "If you love me you will buy me a pony.") Many men will respond that you're violating his privacy by looking at his account and if you cared for his feelings, you wouldn't be looking. On top of all this, you have insecurities because he met you on Instagram, so he could meet other women on Instagram, and you're feeling insecure because you're not in the best of shape. You could do something about that if you really wanted to.

 

But to get to my opinion: you're both acting immature. I wish you had mentioned your age and your living situations (especially if you live 2 hours apart). But as people have asked you questions, more information has emerged.

 

First of all, does he really have a chance of getting jobs male modelling? Is he that nice looking, or rugged looking (some male models are ugly, but they have a certain "look.")? Be honest, because it sounds like he might have a chance. If he does have a chance, he is actually going about it the right way. If he can build up a following and takes good pictures, he might interest an agent. You can help him with that career, perhaps by taking some of the pictures, doing make-up and hair, and giving him encouragement.

 

Is he on Instagram in front of you? Heck, we're all online more that we should be, but is he on really too long every day? Then I would complain about that, that it's not healthy to be that addicted, not that he's looking at half-naked girls. Guys are going to look at girls. It's a fantasy. It's a desire. It evokes a pleasurable response. A guy could even use it to get himself ready for sex with his girlfriend or wife. (Yeah, I've done it.) Guys look at it as something that takes away pressure and feels good. Women look at it as something more deep. How could you do that if it didn't mean anything? I let him into my life, how come I've never heard from him again? Mars-Venus.

 

It seems a lot of the problems are being generated on your side. You feel you're not adequate enough for him. That's such a common reaction to realize your boyfriend or husband is looking at porn. He's looking at porn because he thinks you're fat and ugly. No. The girls are a fantasy. You're a reality in his life. If you want to win him and keep him, then help him in this "hobby." If you want to drive him away, keep doing what you're doing.

[whitesand3]

I love questions like this! This is the typical Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus type question. All women who respond to this will agree with you that he's cheating on you just by following beautiful half-naked women on Instagram. And that if he cared for "your feelings" he would do as you say. (A lot of women get caught up in that game: "If you love me you will visit with my parents." "If you love me you will buy me a pony.") Many men will respond that you're violating his privacy by looking at his account and if you cared for his feelings, you wouldn't be looking. On top of all this, you have insecurities because he met you on Instagram, so he could meet other women on Instagram, and you're feeling insecure because you're not in the best of shape. You could do something about that if you really wanted to.

 

But to get to my opinion: you're both acting immature. I wish you had mentioned your age and your living situations (especially if you live 2 hours apart). But as people have asked you questions, more information has emerged.

 

First of all, does he really have a chance of getting jobs male modelling? Is he that nice looking, or rugged looking (some male models are ugly, but they have a certain "look.")? Be honest, because it sounds like he might have a chance. If he does have a chance, he is actually going about it the right way. If he can build up a following and takes good pictures, he might interest an agent. You can help him with that career, perhaps by taking some of the pictures, doing make-up and hair, and giving him encouragement.

 

Is he on Instagram in front of you? Heck, we're all online more that we should be, but is he on really too long every day? Then I would complain about that, that it's not healthy to be that addicted, not that he's looking at half-naked girls. Guys are going to look at girls. It's a fantasy. It's a desire. It evokes a pleasurable response. A guy could even use it to get himself ready for sex with his girlfriend or wife. (Yeah, I've done it.) Guys look at it as something that takes away pressure and feels good. Women look at it as something more deep. How could you do that if it didn't mean anything? I let him into my life, how come I've never heard from him again? Mars-Venus.

 

It seems a lot of the problems are being generated on your side. You feel you're not adequate enough for him. That's such a common reaction to realize your boyfriend or husband is looking at porn. He's looking at porn because he thinks you're fat and ugly. No. The girls are a fantasy. You're a reality in his life. If you want to win him and keep him, then help him in this "hobby." If you want to drive him away, keep doing what you're doing.

 

Thank you very much for your reply, and I am open to understanding a male perspective on this situation. However, please don't make me sound like some unhealthy/overweight, insecure woman that is trying to control her mans every move. I am in very good shape- I am toned and very sporty. By him criticising my physique, I meant him telling me he wished I had bigger boobs and a bigger bum with no stretch marks. I am naturally slim and have 'less curves'.

 

I in no way believe he is cheating on me with these girls on Instagram. I do however feel disrespected, by his lack of effort to compromise, take my feelings into consideration or even set some time aside to address this issue with me properly (as he is too busy with gym, basketball and watching series).

 

I understand where you are coming from with the privacy thing, but it comes under my own Instagram feed that my boyfriend has liked X and Y's photo. So when I see this on a regular basis, after having discussed the matter with him, it does get to me. I feel like it would to a lot of girls? This is when it becomes hard to not look, cause I am not just going to ignore it.

 

Okay living situation- We are both 21 and go to the same university and will both be completing our final year starting September. When we are at university we live together. Now, we are back at home with our parents, and live two hours apart. We see each other once or twice a week.

 

Yes, I believe he has a high chance of becoming a model (though being his girlfriend this may be biased). He is 6ft2, has a lean physique, a sharp jawline, defined cheek bones and is very photogenic. I guess the whole typical male model package. I do want to help him and encourage him. I do not want to be the one standing in the way of his career.

 

Yes, he is on Instagram when I am with him. I guess that doesn't really phase me, but when he is scrolling through Instagram when I finally get to speak on the phone to him after a long day at work, and he replies "huh?" every other minute because he isn't paying attention to me... should I not be worried?

 

I understand men look, women look too. I don't know if I'm not delivering my point of view correctly, but my problem is when he keeps "liking" these photos. Is it that hard to look and appreciate a photo, but compromise by not actually liking it for your girlfriend? He can look at these girls and watch porn all he wants. He is very sexually attracted to me and I don't think he's ever looked at these girls specifically to get ready for me, I may be wrong. I just don't understand why he cannot control himself from actually liking the photos. Some girls he follows, don't have that many followers, and notice when a guy is going through their page liking their photos from months ago. The fact that this guy is my boyfriend, makes me uncomfortable.

 

I'm sorry if I am rambling. My point is I believe relationships last by compromising and communicating conflicts, and he doesn't seem to want to at all. I am made to feel like I am the insecure, crazy girlfriend, but I am here asking for other people's opinions because I genuinely don't feel like I am asking for too much. The moment I feel like I am in the wrong, I am willing to apologise and support his every move to pursue his career.

[Doc Blaze]

Yes, that's true indeed.

But do you think I am being irrational about setting boundaries with other girls on Instagram? Or should I let him do "whatever it takes" to get out there?

 

 

i dont know him personally so i can only say that stuff like that doesnt matter to me and it didnt bother my ex.

 

my ex followed celebrity crushes other people etc and so did i. we were both ok with it..

 

thing is you have a problem with what he is doing, and he wont change so you are at a fork in the road

 

if its a big deal to you, then maybe you guys should go in separate directions ..the situation doesnt seem to be getting better.

[Adriana7]

Get out. I had this issue as well but he wasn't a Instagram model. He was following NUMEROUS women who were doing sexual things in their video and photos. He told me he would delete everything and he lied. We aren't together anymore because I realized I had a narcissist on my hands.

[whitesand3]

Get out. I had this issue as well but he wasn't a Instagram model. He was following NUMEROUS women who were doing sexual things in their video and photos. He told me he would delete everything and he lied. We aren't together anymore because I realized I had a narcissist on my hands.

 

Thank you for giving me your own experience, but I guess mine doesn't follow that extremeness. Although I am trying to understand if he is a narcissist, or if I am the toxic one after all.

[Batya33]

He's not cheating but even if he was labeling it is pretty much irrelevant. Stay true to your own values and respect your boundaries after you have a talk with yourself and make sure that you're comfortable with your own values -that they don't need tweaking (for example, a close friend of mine would get jealous and obsessively so over even the thought that possibly her husband might be looking at another woman and she had to work on herself to get over it because it wasn't fair to her husband who was by any objective standard behaving appropriately) - this has nothing to do with instagram. Long before the internet there were people in relationships who checked out members of the opposite sex in a rude/tactless way and described it as "I'm allowed to look." Yes, he is. Yes, you are. But not in a way that disrespects you or gives the impression that he is single and looking to have sex with or date other women. For example. But get comfortable with your values and even if they are stricter than others all that means is you may limit your dating pool a bit and that's ok.

 

Years ago I had a third date with a really handsome guy who told me he believed lap dances at strip clubs were ok and not sexual. Hypothetically since he said he hadn't gone in quite awhile. But he didn't say he never would again and that is how he felt. And then I knew we were not a match.

[whitesand3]

He's not cheating but even if he was labeling it is pretty much irrelevant. Stay true to your own values and respect your boundaries after you have a talk with yourself and make sure that you're comfortable with your own values -that they don't need tweaking (for example, a close friend of mine would get jealous and obsessively so over even the thought that possibly her husband might be looking at another woman and she had to work on herself to get over it because it wasn't fair to her husband who was by any objective standard behaving appropriately) - this has nothing to do with instagram. Long before the internet there were people in relationships who checked out members of the opposite sex in a rude/tactless way and described it as "I'm allowed to look." Yes, he is. Yes, you are. But not in a way that disrespects you or gives the impression that he is single and looking to have sex with or date other women. For example. But get comfortable with your values and even if they are stricter than others all that means is you may limit your dating pool a bit and that's ok.

 

Years ago I had a third date with a really handsome guy who told me he believed lap dances at strip clubs were ok and not sexual. Hypothetically since he said he hadn't gone in quite awhile. But he didn't say he never would again and that is how he felt. And then I knew we were not a match.

 

Thank you. I guess it is a compatibility thing after all. Thing is when I ask him what he would do if I did the same thing with men, he becomes silent and then replies, "But I am a model". Double standards?

[MissCanuck]

By him criticising my physique, I meant him telling me he wished I had bigger boobs and a bigger bum with no stretch marks. I am naturally slim and have 'less curves'.

 

And did you tell him you wished he had a bigger unit? You should've. Then you should have walked away.

 

I'm sorry, but I don't date men like this. Why waste your time with a man who doesn't appreciate you the way you were made? Who wishes you were someone different? "Instagram model" or not, I don't like the sounds of this man.

 

Based on what you have written, this situation is going to get worse.

[electricorchid]

He sounds like a huge narcissict. Also, if you met him on instagram..... doesnt that give you the red alert that he can pick up chicks whenever he wants on that platform ? From the conversations youve had with him it sounds like he's doesnt really care what you think and hes prioritizing being an attention w h o r e over making you happy. Dump himmmmm!

[Hell_On_Heels]

Thank you. I guess it is a compatibility thing after all. Thing is when I ask him what he would do if I did the same thing with men, he becomes silent and then replies, "But I am a model". Double standards?

 

Yes, double standards. He is trying to be a model, true enough. But. Notice he had to think for a minute - he had to find a reason for it to be ok for him, and not ok for you.

 

Beyond all of that, the real flag to me is that he is not appreciating you. Ask yourself how you feel when you are with him? Do you feel beautiful? Loved? Smart, funny, kind? In short, do you feel special? If not, cut him loose.

 

I really don't like that he criticizes your physique. My sister married a man who has criticized her for over 30 years because she is not a slim Chinese woman. Well, being a healthy Swedish-American woman, that information was kinda obvious when he met her, so I don't get why he hurts her with it. She feels terrible about herself because of it.

 

It's popular to say, "I can't make you happy," or "It's not my job to make you happy." There is an element of truth to that, but people are using it as an excuse to do whatever they want. Yes, we can make people happy or unhappy. That's especially true of those close to us. So, no, you're not crazy or unreasonable to ask that this hurtful behavior stop.

 

That being said, he's demonstrating that he's not going to stop. This leaves you with 2 options - stay, or go find someone who will appreciate you for you.

[whitesand3]

He sounds like a huge narcissict. Also, if you met him on instagram..... doesnt that give you the red alert that he can pick up chicks whenever he wants on that platform ? From the conversations youve had with him it sounds like he's doesnt really care what you think and hes prioritizing being an attention w h o r e over making you happy. Dump himmmmm!

 

I guess that's true, but the same thing can be said about me meeting another man on Instagram, I don't know My gut tells me I know what I should do but I am finding it hard to believe that a guy I once thought was the man I will marry is now finding it hard to chose between this and me.

[whitesand3]

Yes, double standards. He is trying to be a model, true enough. But. Notice he had to think for a minute - he had to find a reason for it to be ok for him, and not ok for you.

 

Beyond all of that, the real flag to me is that he is not appreciating you. Ask yourself how you feel when you are with him? Do you feel beautiful? Loved? Smart, funny, kind? In short, do you feel special? If not, cut him loose.

 

I really don't like that he criticizes your physique. My sister married a man who has criticized her for over 30 years because she is not a slim Chinese woman. Well, being a healthy Swedish-American woman, that information was kinda obvious when he met her, so I don't get why he hurts her with it. She feels terrible about herself because of it.

 

It's popular to say, "I can't make you happy," or "It's not my job to make you happy." There is an element of truth to that, but people are using it as an excuse to do whatever they want. Yes, we can make people happy or unhappy. That's especially true of those close to us. So, no, you're not crazy or unreasonable to ask that this hurtful behavior stop.

 

That being said, he's demonstrating that he's not going to stop. This leaves you with 2 options - stay, or go find someone who will appreciate you for you.

 

I used to feel special, I just have really mixed emotions now. The only time I really feel special now is when he realises he might lose me, and tells me how he can't live without me etc... I feel, when my relationship is good, it's REALLY good, but when it is bad, it's REALLY bad.

 

I'm sorry I am really emotional at the moment, I don't mean to exaggerate anything he has said. I just wanted to clarify I don't think he constantly or directly criticises my physique but I believe he has heavily implied it quite a few times. For instance, he once told me how the first time he touched my boobs he thought to himself "what the f***?". He has asked me as if in general, if there was a way girls can get there boobs bigger, and then went on to ask if I put on weight if the size would increase. In the moment I always feel he asks me out of innocent curiosity, but thinking back it feels like he isn't happy with the way I am. He tells me quite often to squat at the gym in order to get my bum bigger (he says it playfully, but after a couple times, I know he's serious). With the stretch marks he asked me if there was a way to remove it, and is quick to point out when I get more. I have been constantly trying to understand if I am insecure and he is just playfully teasing me or if in fact he is the one causing my insecurities.

 

I understand that some women would be okay with his Instagram habits, so it may not be that he's a bad person, just not the right one for me. I spoke to him about this the other day and told him that because I am not okay with his interactions with women on Instagram, he is either going to have to stop this or find a woman that is okay with it. After almost an hour of debating, he agreed that he will unfollow all these women. Three days on he still hasn't.

 

Trying to figure out whether or not to stay in an almost 4 year relationship is hard. I appreciate your opinion as I don't feel comfortable talking about this to my friends.

[ThatwasThen]

Well I'm not you but if I were, I'd not believe him when he says he's going to stop following all these women that feed his ego. I think that someone that has this much trouble giving up something that upsets his partner then he needs professional help to get over his addiction to it. I'd be very wary that all he may do is hide his habit better.

[whitesand3]

Well I'm not you but if I were, I'd not believe him when he says he's going to stop following all these women that feed his ego. I think that someone that has this much trouble giving up something that upsets his partner then he needs professional help to get over his addiction to it. I'd be very wary that all he may do is hide his habit better.

 

He just unfollowed them today. He says he was too busy with work and forgot, (I don't understand how he could forget something so important to our relationship). I'm just going to give him some space as he seems to be stressed with work. Thank you for your advise though!