Please help, my fault or his? Deal breaker?

[Alice1984]

Hi all

I'm sorry for the intimate nature of this problem but I need some help. So I have been seeing a guy who I have known as a friend for some years, for about four and a half months, he is a great kind and considerate guy who thinks the world of me and we have been taking it slowly not rushing things. We had only slept together three times until last night. We had a few drinks last night and I decided to stay over and we started to get heated. We were in his bedroom with the lights off.Before our clothes came off I said to him that, as I have had to come off my pill recently due to it causing me problems which he knew about already, we needed to use a condom.he said ok so we kept kissing etc and as our clothes came off I repeated this. He agreed and said we can use something and got up to go out the room to lock his front door before bed and went into his drawer. We returned to what we were doing and I thought he had put the condom on as he reached for his lube And used it which I assumed was to make things easier. We had sex which only lasted half a minute which I'm guessing was down to the drink and as he finished he pulled out and ejaculated outside of me . It happened very quickly and , I was shocked and said to him I thought he had used a condom and he said don't worry because he pulled out well before time.afterwards I excused myself to go down to the toilet and was sick, I'm not sure if it was through fright or alcohol,but all I know is I felt fine just tipsy, like I hadn't overdone it, and suddenly started feeling sick when we finished. I felt annoyed at the fact he hadn't worn anything but we went to sleep for whatever reason not saying anything to him. When we woke up in the morning it became clear we might begin to have sex once again. I said to him we need to use something this time and he said ' do you want me to put the condom on?' To which I replied yes. He went and got the condom out the drawer and opened it .we kissed for a while again and he proceeded to try and initiate sex with me again without the condom, albeit not forcefully. to which once again I told him look we need to use it as I didnt feel safe without it. He replied again ' do you want me to wear it? I will pull out before time don't worry!' I replied that this was not safe so he put the condom on after stalling from doing it up until now , but after five minutes of use we gave up as he was getting into all sorts of a muddle trying to get inside me with it on. He later declared that he didn't mind wearing them but preferred not to.

I'm not sure how to feel. He eventually did put it on. He didn't force me to do anything that isn't an issue, but am I wrong to feel slightly disrespected because of this? Or is this my fault for not realising he hadnt put the condom on due to having a few drinks? Regardless now I am left having to go for emergency contraception. Yes I'm sure it is partly my fault as I, after a couple of drinks,( but nowhere near unaware of my senses) didn't realise and trusted that he had went to get a condom. But am I overreacting when I say I feel regardless of this he shouldn't have assumed he could stick it in bare that night after I voiced my wishes to use a condom?

I'm so confused and would appreciate any advice . This is messing with my head.Thank you.

[Seraphim]

He is a lying b..... TOTAL DEAL BREAKER. He wants to expose you to STDs and get pregnant . RUN AWAY.

[HeartGoesOn]

Your only fault would be in choosing to continue with a person of this mentality.

[Alice1984]

Update

I spoke to him about this and he apologised saying he was deeply sorry, he's had a few drinks and got caught up in the heat of the moment/ caught up in lust . He says he knows the risks but he just made the mistake cause he was enjoying himself and knew he wanted to be inside me and please me. He says he would never want to be the source for me worrying or do anything to hurt me .

 

Given the nice guy he has been overall I'd like to believe him but surely if I still had my wits about me to request a condom then he can't blame not using one on having a few drinks?

[Seraphim]

So what is his excuse the morning after trying to get out of it? Still the drinks?

[Batya33]

No way should you ever see him again. And when you choose to drink you choose the consequences so that's lame anyway. And he wasn't drunk the next morning. He's put you at great risk. I am so sorry you got sick after that first time. What an awful situation.

[Alice1984]

No way should you ever see him again. And when you choose to drink you choose the consequences so that's lame anyway. And he wasn't drunk the next morning. He's put you at great risk. I am so sorry you got sick after that first time. What an awful situation.

 

Hey batya33 can I ask what you mean by the consequences part? Do you mean I chose these consequences when I chose to drink?

[Alice1984]

So what is his excuse the morning after trying to get out of it? Still the drinks?

You are right. Pushing his luck I guess. Thinking of his own pleasure maybe?

[Seraphim]

You are right. Pushing his luck I guess. Thinking of his own pleasure maybe?

 

Who cares what he is thinking. Time to kick his butt to the curb.

[j.man]

I'm honestly troubled that you're even asking this question. No, you don't keep seeing him. He lied and put you at risk of both STDs and pregnancy. What, do you think in 20 years you'd just look back at that and chuckle?

 

Block.

[boltnrun]

If there's a next time (which I don't recommend), tell him that since he doesn't want to use a condom you assume he wants a baby with you. Then start asking him his opinion for baby names.

 

Bet he either boogies out of there or he puts on the gosh darned condom.

[itsallgrand]

No that is creepy . There is an element of violation to it. Please do not rationalize it away - it was wrong, and you know it was. He had zero right to do what he did.

[milly007]

He didn't respect you or your boundaries after you specifically told him that you wanted him to wear a condom.

 

I'd walk.

 

If you continue with this guy, something tells me he'll try this again. He's making his selfish needs the priority.

[Squirtle85]

Take it as a lesson learned not to drink when it may be a possibility that you may have sex because without the alcohol you may have put your foot down more than usual.

[SherrySher]

TOTAL DEAL BREAKER.

 

He completely disregarded your request to wear a condom and he put your health at risk and did not care. He has lack of respect, selfish, does not care for your feelings, is irresponsible and reckless.

 

Do not date a man like this or ever have sex with him again. If he is this careless with you in regards to a condom then he has been this careless with other women and he could be carrying anything or could easily contract an STD.

 

And he is a liar, he used to excuse that it was because he was drinking but then he tried it again in the morning. He is a nasty a** and that's not a nice guy, that's an extremely manipulative guy who no doubt put his nether parts in other va jay jays with no condom and did not care about the risks.

 

No way would I let him near me again!!

 

I am also assuming that your date is younger? Please don't tell me he is older, a man knows better than this and if he is older no way can/will he change and he is probably just as irresponsible and reckless in other areas of his life.

 

Either way....run!

[Alice1984]

 

I am also assuming that your date is younger? Please don't tell me he is older, a man knows better than this and if he is older no way can/will he change and he is probably just as irresponsible and reckless in other areas of his life.

 

Either way....run!

 

He is 36 😐

He is such a nice guy to me otherwise, we have been saying exclusively and he says he is totally committed and is falling hard for me... he has apologised for this a lot and seems really sorry ..he says he has went and bought decent protection for next time (if there is one)

I'm so confused at what to think. Want to believe him but no idea what to do, I'm not sure if he is sorry or sorry he got caught and that I am angry 😡 He didn't mention it until I brought it up so was obviously hoping I would let it slide?

[boltnrun]

Can you "let slide" that, due to his selfishness, you had to go through the ordeal of emergency contraception? And, I presume you'll also be getting a full std workup since you have no idea how many other women he's pulled this stunt on.

 

Can you "let that slide " just because he said some pretty words before?

[Alice1984]

Can you "let slide" that, due to his selfishness, you had to go through the ordeal of emergency contraception? And, I presume you'll also be getting a full std workup since you have no idea how many other women he's pulled this stunt on.

 

Can you "let that slide " just because he said some pretty words before?

 

Thank u, Much as I would like to I don't know how I can forgive him for putting me through this . The reason I haven't went nuts and blamed it on him is because I keep mulling over it in my head and thinking I am to blame.

[boltnrun]

Thank u, Much as I would like to I don't know how I can forgive him for putting me through this . The reason I haven't went nuts and blamed it on him is because I keep mulling over it in my head and thinking I am to blame.

 

How are you to blame?

[Alice1984]

I am not sure if this is relevant at all to my issue. But I have had something come back to me today.

A few weeks ago he booked a weekend away for us. It wasn't exactly a typical romantic weekend (time of the month for me)

When we went to bed at night, obviously he was turned on which I don't hold against him being a man but when I said to him I can't do anything due to the time of the month he laughed and said jokingly ' yeah YOU can't maybe' obviously hoping I was going to satisfy him all the same.

When we came home I made a comment to him saying that he was a typical man wanting to get his pleasure even though I couldn't do anything ( disclaimer: guys reading this I do not actually think this about men lol! I was just fishing to see what he would say) and he said okay I wanted to get my pleasure yeah but can you blame me when I'm in bed with you and you're gorgeous?

 

I'm not sure if I am just imagining that this is related and slightly pushy or wether I am just trying to make sense of the recent behaviour.

[Alice1984]

How are you to blame?

As I failed to realise he was not using a condom .

[boltnrun]

As I failed to realise he was not using a condom .

 

I fail to see how that makes it your fault he deceived you twice.

[Alice1984]

Does it make any difference or make his behaviour more acceptable that we have been seeing each other exclusively , he hasn't been seeing anyone else and says he wants to be with me in a relationship? The fact he isn't sleeping about ?

 

I'm not sure trustwise if it makes it better or worse?

[Batya33]

I am not sure if this is relevant at all to my issue. But I have had something come back to me today.

A few weeks ago he booked a weekend away for us. It wasn't exactly a typical romantic weekend (time of the month for me)

When we went to bed at night, obviously he was turned on which I don't hold against him being a man but when I said to him I can't do anything due to the time of the month he laughed and said jokingly ' yeah YOU can't maybe' obviously hoping I was going to satisfy him all the same.

When we came home I made a comment to him saying that he was a typical man wanting to get his pleasure even though I couldn't do anything ( disclaimer: guys reading this I do not actually think this about men lol! I was just fishing to see what he would say) and he said okay I wanted to get my pleasure yeah but can you blame me when I'm in bed with you and you're gorgeous?

 

I'm not sure if I am just imagining that this is related and slightly pushy or wether I am just trying to make sense of the recent behaviour.

 

I'd be careful about using testing comments like that. He is focused on his own pleasure to the exclusion of your safety. What have you two discussed about parenthood or what you would do if you and he were expecting a baby?

[Alice1984]

I'd be careful about using testing comments like that. He is focused on his own pleasure to the exclusion of your safety. What have you two discussed about parenthood or what you would do if you and he were expecting a baby?

 

We hadn't. As it has only been four and a half months.but with me kicking up a fuss about this he said he would come to to the doctors with me and would stand by me whatever Happens.