Guy from my past I used to like wanted me to be his GF now wants to be friends with benefits

[Lovelavie]

About 5 months ago I hooked up with a guy (Let's call him J) that had friends in common with me. We enjoy the same things (techno clubs, parties, going out to eat etc) and we clicked right after. For one whole week he was really sweet to me, wanted to see me everyday, we slept together almost everyday and he was being really nice. Then, on the next week, he shut me off, told me he wanted to take things slow (the week before he was the one who initiated all contact, asked me out, always the first to say good morning and etc), I got confused because I was just playing along. So I backed off but got really mad also.

 

On Friday he ditched me after he found something else to do, so I decided we were done (later on I discovered that he wanted to go out to chase other girls because, according to him, I was already in his game, didn't need to treat me nice anymore). On Saturday he comes asking if we're not gonna talk or see each other and I told him we were done that this wasn't what I wanted. One week the person is extra nice and sweet and the other the extreme opposite. I didn't want any confusions in my life. He then begged me back, saying he should've treated me better and not have taken me for granted, that I was a nice girl and we had lots in common (all our friends always say I'm very easy going compared to other GFs, I really don't pick on the person I'm with unless they REALLY give me a reason to, other than that, I'm very patient and rarely get stressed out about something).

 

He even cried, kept calling me but I had made up my mind. I got with another guy (who was friends with him) and we broke up about a month ago, because I didn't like him and he was kind of abusive towards me. During these 5 months apart, we kept seeing each other at parties and friends' house, so he was always there. So J kept telling one of my best friends that he wanted me back, now that I was finally "available", and after a month I decided to give in.

 

He told me he wanted me again, and that he messed up in the past but wanted to make things right. I went to his house yesterday and it's weird how I feel confortable around him, unlike the other guy I had dated. We have amazing chemistry in bed and he is seriously one of the best guys I've slept with. Thing is, yesterday we talked and I asked what his intentions were with me, since after all this time he decided to see me again, and he said he wanted kind of a FWB relationship, take things easy and not have to compromise, and I thought about it and I told him it's impossible since we´ve had feelings for each other in the past and he said we should just take it slow and see how it goes. I don't know how he changed from wanting me to be his GF to this. He could've called any other girl but isntead he came after me, who he knew we had an unresolved past.

 

He likes going out a lot (but so do I), but he chases after girls a lot and I don't want to be the kind of girl that "will change the guy into a man", I don't want to go through this in order to possibly have a relationship with him. Thing is, I enjoy being with him and having sex with him and if it wasn't for him loving so much his single player kind of life we could be really good together, I just don't want to get hurt in the long term.

[DancingFool]

Oy....he never wanted anything more than to bed you periodically. He told you the bs so he could get into your panties. It worked and then he lost interest and started chasing others again. Guys like that, I mean he is never going to be loyal to anyone other than himself. He is not bf or relationship material and never will be. He showed you that the first time around and now the second time around. At least the second time around he is being more honest with you about where you stand. This is really the case fool me once...fool me twice...

 

If you want a decent guy and a normal relationship, start making better choices on who you get involved with. Players always chase like crazy and while that may be flattering, it's invariably bad news.

[happyfrank]

He doesn't respect you and treats you like a yo-yo.

 

He just wants to bed you.

[Lovelavie]

What I don't understand is, he could've gone after any other girl, one that didn't have past feelings and unresolved issues and yet after 5 months he still talked about me all the time to other people and how he wanted me again. Was it all just a game of ego? Sometimes I think he just wanted to prove to himself that he could hook up with him again after all this time which is really mean considering he knew I had feelings for him in the past

[DancingFool]

What I don't understand is, he could've gone after any other girl, one that didn't have past feelings and unresolved issues and yet after 5 months he still talked about me all the time to other people and how he wanted me again. Was it all just a game of ego? Sometimes I think he just wanted to prove to himself that he could hook up with him again after all this time

 

You fell for his bs once before, it makes you an easier target for round two. As unpleasant as this may be for you, it actually worked. You fell for round two.

It's easier to get someone in bed that you've had before than to find someone else to buy into his bs. He knows that piling it on thick with you works and don't be shocked that he will keep trying....because you've shown him that you are susceptible to his bs and eventually will land in his bed again. In between, he is actively chasing others hoping to find another weak girl to buy his bs.

[Lovelavie]

I don't understand why one would rather chase after girls that mean nothing to him rather than be with someone who actually cares about him and to be honest, almost every weekend we're at the same parties and clubs and with the same friends so...

 

And also, he hooks up with girls only for a day but with me he stayed. When he cried begging me back he said he wanted to make things right and he found a girl he could go out to the same places with, who didn't nag about things he saw his friends' girls nag about etc etc, why would he go through all of this self humiliation only to have sex with me? Sometimes I regret not giving him a second chance in the past when he actually wanted to and now that he sees I'm over the past and am not mad at him anymore he isn't trying anymore.

 

It's so hard to trust someone these days, people lie so much, it's startles me how easy it is for them to do it, but it also takes away the fun and enchantment of meeting someone new.

[Knight2001]

some guys are like that, chase different girls. some grow out of it and some dont.

if i was you i would give this guy a ver wide berth and have nothing more to do with him.

he is preventing you fom finding someone nice.

good luck and i i hope you find happiness.

[BritterSweet]

I don't understand why one would rather chase after girls that mean nothing to him rather than be with someone who actually cares about him and to be honest, almost every weekend we're at the same parties and clubs and with the same friends so...

 

And also, he hooks up with girls only for a day but with me he stayed. When he cried begging me back he said he wanted to make things right and he found a girl he could go out to the same places with, who didn't nag about things he saw his friends' girls nag about etc etc, why would he go through all of this self humiliation only to have sex with me? Sometimes I regret not giving him a second chance in the past when he actually wanted to and now that he sees I'm over the past and am not mad at him anymore he isn't trying anymore.

 

It's so hard to trust someone these days, people lie so much, it's startles me how easy it is for them to do it, but it also takes away the fun and enchantment of meeting someone new.

 

Hes a selfish jerk is why. He only cares about getting his rocks off, and for that he wants to use you for your body. And on an emotional level, he may be getting some satisfaction from manipulating and controlling you. That "you're so much more chill than other girls, it's awesome that you don't nag like they do!" is a classic technique.

[catfeeder]

Research the 'dance away lover'. They're only interested in you when they can't have you. As soon as they get you...not so much.

[Lovelavie]

I feel so stupid for falling in his trap again. He loves saying how he loves being single and talks about the girls he hooks up with trying to send a message that he doesn't care about them. I asked him to see if I left my shirt there back when we were together and he said: "I don't know, there's a bunch of clothes that people leave here, I'll search for it". I felt so grossed out by this, like shut up, don't say that, just say you'll look for my shirt.

 

In a way I feel disgusted to have slept with him, he's a jerk who brags about how many girls he sleeps with, like that's some kind of prize. Also, every time his friends are with a girl and in a relationship he makes fun of them saying how they're submissive (???) just because they are attached to only one girl, but the time I broke up with him, he saw that not every girl will chase and stay with you if you treat them badly. And when he would call me crying I could see this wasn't an excess of confidence, it was actually a huge insecurity.

[catfeeder]

And when he would call me crying I could see this wasn't an excess of confidence, it was actually a huge insecurity.

 

Naaah, he did that because it 'works'.

[Lovelavie]

Naaah, he did that because it 'works'.

 

But at the time it didn't work, since I was already with his friend and decided to not take him back. He cares a lot about what other people think and seeing me with a friend of his while he was telling everyone that I was the one chasing him was humiliating for him.

He kept telling how I was crying and begging him to take him back when it was actually HIM that was doing this, but the lie didn't last for long when they saw that I was with someone else. So I'm thinking him wanting me back now is a way of proving to everyone that I'm still into him.

[DancingFool]

But at the time it didn't work, since I was already with his friend and decided to not take him back. He cares a lot about what other people think and seeing me with a friend of his while he was telling everyone that I was the one chasing him was humiliating for him.

He kept telling how I was crying and begging him to take him back when it was actually HIM that was doing this, but the lie didn't last for long when they saw that I was with someone else. So I'm thinking him wanting me back now is a way of proving to everyone that I'm still into him.

 

Bingo! So now you know what a classic insecure loser looks like. I hope that you will never ever fall for another one like him ever again. Chalk this up to a good life lesson on what kind of guys to avoid like the plague and what kind of bs they'll pull and how extreme, in order to make you think they actually care about you when in fact, they only care about themselves and their ego.

[Lovelavie]

Only thing that concerns me is that hooking up with him this time brought feelings back that I thought didn't exist anymore. I was 100% sure I did not have feelings for him and even before sleeping with him I thought we could have a BFW relaitonship because I didn't see him as anything more than a friend and turned out not to be like this. I'm having anxiety about thinking of seeing him with other(s) girl(s) considering we see each other almost every weekend.

[DancingFool]

Only thing that concerns me is that hooking up with him this time brought feelings back that I thought didn't exist anymore. I was 100% sure I did not have feelings for him and even before sleeping with him I thought we could have a BFW relaitonship because I didn't see him as anything more than a friend and turned out not to be like this. I'm having anxiety about thinking of seeing him with other(s) girl(s) considering we see each other almost every weekend.

 

Maybe give yourself some distance and time, hang out with different friends for a bit. Avoid him. Honestly, you are starting to get perspective on what a loser he actually is, so focus on that. I mean I'd feel sorry for any girl he might fool and con into getting involved with him and she'll find out soon enough on her own anyway. Also, focus on dating others.

[Lovelavie]

My friend said that he likes me, he likes being with me, but doesn't want anything serious, at least not now. I really do not understand how one can go out and see the other person have the possibility to hook up with someone else in front of them and not care if that happens, and then still see you and go out with you.

[JaggerJim]

He likes sleeping with you. Why do you not ask him to be exclusive if that's what you want?

[Lovelavie]

He likes sleeping with you. Why do you not ask him to be exclusive if that's what you want?

 

Because we know each other for months but we were never together for a long time, so I don't think it's anywhere near the appropriate time to ask that, but I can know for sure that I would not be able to handle a FWB relationship, even if it means not being with him at all. Also, he asks me out to dinner and stuff, so it's clearly not just friends who sleep together, but I also know that he doesn't want anything serious. So confusing.

[JaggerJim]

Well you can send a message by telling him "I won't be doing dinner or hanging out with you" so you should stop doing that. It's your choice if you want to sleep with him or not, but sleeping with him gives him exactly what he wants. He doesn't even have to try!

[catfeeder]

I thought we could have a BFW relaitonship because I didn't see him as anything more than a friend

 

This may be your way of learning that you're maturing out of trying to view sex as void of a bonding experience. Most of us grow to recognize that sex bonds us with a partner, so it's wise to consider carefully, and beforehand, exactly who we'll want to bond with.

 

When someone demo's less than considerate, loving behavior, it's smart to view them less through a lens that tries to romanticize their behavior and more through a practical lens of self protection and self regard.

 

Inconsiderate players won't give that to you--it's an inside job.

 

Head high.

[boltnrun]

My ex begged me back for FIVE YEARS.

 

I'd left him because he was constantly trying to "hook up" with other girls, often right in front of me. So I dated someone else. The entire time he pursued me, claiming he'd made a huge mistake, that I was the one he truly loved and that he wished I'd give him another chance.

 

So, after five years I did give him that second chance.

 

Guess what he did? Constantly tried to "hook up" with other girls!

 

He told me that since I knew what he was like and I chose to come back anyway, I must be fine with the things he did!

 

As twisted as that sounds, he was right. I knew he liked to pursue and hook up with as many girls and women as possible and I still went back, foolishly believing his words instead of taking a good, clear look at his actions.

 

And you really must consider taking a good, clear look at this guy's actions.

 

Don't make the mistake of thinking he feels and acts the same way you would in the same situation. He's not you and won't feel, think or behave the way you do.

[Lovelavie]

 

He told me that since I knew what he was like and I chose to come back anyway, I must be fine with the things he did!

 

Yeah, I think that's it! Yesterday he was so mean to me for no reason. He asked me to come over today and said "but just as friends that hook up, ok?" And I was just like yeah, chill, we talked about this already, if at any time I find myself getting involved I'll just back off. But the truth is, this is such a turn off for me, he wants so much to look like he's not attached to anyone, and how he's such a single amazing guy that it ends up working. Instead of falling for him and wanting him, I'll just see him as a friend because he is so into proving this that he ends up losing his charm, just makes him look like any other ordinary guy that is good in bed but nothing else.

 

I know deep inside he could be a good guy, but his ego and his need to prove to everyone (specially his guy friends) that he hooks up with any girl he wants, that he's such a badass, speaks louder, as if at the end of the day anyone cares about that. Nobody cares, actually, it's all in his head.

 

I woke up today wanting to see him but since I know I can't have him the way I want to I kind have this "he's such a loser" feeling and lose even my attraction towards him. It is a huge turn off instead of a way to make me chase him and do whatever he wants just so I could have him somehow.