How Do I Let Go?

[boltnrun]

But didn't you kind of blast him for "ignoring" you, then send a text backpedaling, then send another text very recently reaching out again?

 

Setting boundaries is good, but he told you he had a lot going on and then proceeded to not contact you (or not contact as much), then wasn't it only two days after he told you he had a lot going on that you contacted him again? And then pretty much right after that you sent the "ignoring" email?

 

Anyway, bottom line is it seems like the two of you had different time frames and different ideas of how to proceed. He said he wanted to take more time to "get there", while you appear to have been feeling more vulnerable and attached after having sex, hence wanting to have a more firm commitment or at least the potential for one.

 

What you did or didn't do doesn't change the basic fact that the two of you may have been reading the same book but you were on different pages. And that's fine. There are men out there who will want what you want, but you won't meet any of them if you won't let go of "hope" that this guy will change his mind.

[LaHermes]

Where did I imply this JustM?

 

So, in the future, is it better to say nothing than to stand up for myself and let my boundaries known?

 

Did I advise you anywhere to say nothing.

 

Of course it is most recommendable to let your boundaries be known from day one.

 

As I said, you will now be wiser for the future.

[Clarisse]

Mizz, I said this to you on your previous thread, but I think you should do a post-mortem on this relationship. What do you take accountability for (hint, don't own what isn't yours)? What will you do differently next time around? Be fair and objective. Right now, you're still flailing about.

 

Everyone makes mistakes. Own yours, leave the rest, learn your lessons, move forward. That's all any of us can do.

[JustMizz]

Thanks everyone. I think the most important thing I've learned is that I don't believe I am ready for dating.

 

I need to take more time for myself and work on a few things.

[katrina1980]

@JustMizz, I read your previous thread.

 

This man did nothing wrong. It appeared he was quite smitten with and excited about you at first and behaved as such. Nothing wrong with that.

 

He was also very honest with you when you asked where you stood. Told you he was still somewhat recovering from his divorce which is understandable, and flat out told you a relationship might be possible later, but did not want to be rushed.

 

Again, perfectly understandable, I don't like being pressured or rushed either, most people don't.

 

But instead of respecting HIS boundary of wanting to take it slow and not be rushed, you proceeded to do just the opposite!

 

Pushing and pressuring, and in the worst way, by bombarding him with numerous texts that were way way over the top.

 

Sorry to sound so harsh but it's true and you need to own that and learn so this won't happen again in your next dating experience.

 

IMO, he wasn't ignoring you, at least not at first, he was doing exactly what he told he would do, taking it slow and not rushing!

 

Bottom line, if you want to assert boundaries in these very very early stages when a man disrespects you (I usually just walk when a man disrespects me in these very early stages) that is your choice but pick your battles. This wasn't one.

 

He didn't disrespect you, nor did he treat you poorly or break or step over any of your boundaries.

 

Again, he had been 100% honest with you.

 

It was you who allowed your anxieties to take over with all your texting. Accusing him of ignoring you, back-peddling, then getting angry , then making nice.

 

Looking at it from his perspective, crazy!

 

If I had been him, I would not have responded to any of that either, I don't mean to make you feel worse than you already do, but your texts were way way over the top, totally unnecessary and most likely turned him way off. .

 

So how do you let go and move on? By taking responsibility for your behavior and how you most likely sabotaged a potentially lovely relationship, had you managed your anxiety, respected his boundaries of not wanting to be rushed, enjoyed your connection for what it was, and allowed it to grow naturally and organically.

 

And learning from this experience, becoming stronger emotionally, and learning to manage your anxieties and insecurities.

 

I am sorry you are feeling so bad though, but there are many lessons to be learned from this.

 

Feel better and take care.

[katrina1980]

Thanks everyone. I think the most important thing I've learned is that I don't believe I am ready for dating.

 

I need to take more time for myself and work on a few things.

 

I read this^ after I posted. Sounds like a good plan, best of luck!!

[JustMizz]

I appreciate that Katrina, but what set me off was him saying he was coming to see me then ignoring me the rest of the day, then the next.

 

I take full responsibility for my actions, not trying to downplay them, but I didn't just think he was ignoring me and went off.

[katrina1980]

I appreciate that Katrina, but what set me off was him saying he was coming to see me then ignoring me the rest of the day, then the next.

 

I take full responsibility for my actions, not trying to downplay them, but I didn't just think he was ignoring me and went off.

 

Fair enough, I will have to go back and read, it's possible I either missed it or misinterpreted.

 

If he did in fact blow you off, that IS disrespectful, but perhaps a better response would have simply been to either calmly discuss the next time you saw him or just walk away.

 

I am glad you are owning your part too, that is important.

[JustMizz]

I am glad you are owning your part too, that is important.

 

Owning it and hating it. 😔

[katrina1980]

Owning it and hating it. 😔

 

I know I hear ya! Often times I wish I could go back in time and change how I responded in certain situations, but then I remember that is how I was feeling at the time so try to not beat myself up too much.

 

My MO is opposite from yours though. I don't lash out in angry texts, I detach and distance myself emotionally, which probably isn't healthy either although in some situations it may be.

 

I am learning that it's best to communicate my feelings calmly and rationally. Easier said than done sometimes but I think it's important. I'm still learning all this myself!

 

Again, best of luck moving forward.

[figureitout23]

Fair enough, I will have to go back and read, it's possible I either missed it or misinterpreted.

 

If he did in fact blow you off, that IS disrespectful, but perhaps a better response would have simply been to either calmly discuss the next time you saw him or just walk away.

 

I am glad you are owning your part too, that is important.

 

**********

 

The next morning he text and asked if I was ready for our next adventure. He picked me up and we went to eat, rode adounda bit ended up at his place.....well, you know what happened. We spent the entire day together. After dropping me off at home he was texting that he had a great time and couldn't wait to see me again.

 

I ended up going to his place a few more times during the week. One day was my birthday.

 

All the while he always text me first thing in the morning and I thought things were going well. After getting home from the last day I spent with him, I text him to talk about where I stood. We never had the "what are you looking for" talk. He said he liked me a lot but it was hard for him to get close because he was still hurt from his divorce. But he stresses twice that we would get there...meaning a relationship, as long as I didn't make him feel rushed. This was on a Thursday. Every morning he was still texting me first, and all weekend I tried to hint that i wanted to see him, but he was busy with friends, which was cool. On Saturday I finally just said I want to see you, he said he wanted to see me, too, and I asked when. He said if not tonight then definitely tomorrow. Well, Sunday came and he said he would try to stop by. I didn't hear back from him for the rest of the say.

 

By Monday night, I still hadn't heard from him and I lost control. I text a long winded message letting him know I didn't appreciate being blown off, that I sat all day waiting to hear from him. No reply. I tried to keep my cool but ended up sending a few more texts, probably a bit too needy, then finally, on Tuesday, a text apologizing for blowing up without knowing what had actually happened. That evening he text saying he was dealing with stuff and his dad had a bad cancer screen and to please let him sort things out a bit. He also stressed that I didn't do anything wrong. I thanked him for the reply and wished his dad well.

[katrina1980]

^^Thanks figureitout.

 

So he said definitely Sunday they would get together, but when Sunday came, he said he would "try" to stop by? But never did nor did he call. Yeah that was disrespectful.

 

In this very very early stage, I would have just pulled back or walked.

 

Sending angry texts never resolved anything IMO but the OP realizes this now, which is good and all that matters.

[JustMizz]

Yes, last I talked to him on Sunday was in the morning. I text that evening asking if he was going to make it and he didn't reply.

 

I have my notebook and I'm writing down what I want to say to him, instead of texting it. Hoping it'll help to get it out of me.

[LaHermes]

OP:

 

"I know I deserve a man who won't treat me like this, and I want to actually believe that in my heart, instead of believing that I'm not good enough for a man to actually want to be with me.

"

 

The bolded part is really the issue is it not, JM?

 

As I said earlier, just take it slow, easy and cautiously next time round.

 

And btw there is no need for self-flagellation!

 

This happened, just let it drift into the past.

[JustMizz]

OP:

 

"I know I deserve a man who won't treat me like this, and I want to actually believe that in my heart, instead of believing that I'm not good enough for a man to actually want to be with me.

"

 

The bolded part is really the issue is it not, JM?

 

As I said earlier, just take it slow, easy and cautiously next time round.

 

And btw there is no need for self-flagellation!

 

This happened, just let it drift into the past.

 

Yes it is. That's how all of this has made me feel. I've had a bad track record with men. I also have abandonment issues due to my father walking away when I was 5. I know it all works together and I've struggled with it all of my life.

[LaHermes]

JustM.

 

You know what is important is that you have insight into your issues, and you are aware that fast attachment is not the way to go. It was rough your father leaving when you were only 5. Bound to have affected your life.

 

So perhaps dedicate some time to seeing someone about those issues and work through them so that you are not so vulnerable in future. Yes?

[katrina1980]

@JustMizz, wanted to apologize if my first post sounded harsh, and that I missed that he had blown you off.

 

I had a super busy day and am a bit exhausted.

 

Agree with LaHermes, at this point, best to let it go and learn from it.

 

((hugs))

[JustMizz]

It's all good, Katrina.

 

And yes, LaHermes, I think it may be time to seek some help.

[LaHermes]

And....get that book I mentioned earlier.

 

All will go well, JustM.

[figureitout23]

It's all good, Katrina.

 

And yes, LaHermes, I think it may be time to seek some help.

 

Awesome. I'm in counseling and I don't think there's any shame in it. We as people go through sh*t that affects our every day lives in ways we don't even realize. Once you find the right counselor they will help you understand a lot of what you do and why.

[JustMizz]

Awesome. I'm in counseling and I don't think there's any shame in it. We as people go through sh*t that affects our every day lives in ways we don't even realize. Once you find the right counselor they will help you understand a lot of what you do and why.

 

My only problem is affording one, but I'll see what I can do.

[Honeycomb8]

In the same conversation he stressed "we will get there", he just didn't want to rush. That reassured me. And then....poof.

 

That's why I'm having such a hard time with this.

 

He didn't want to rush, but in response you wanted reassurance, more communication and kept texting him.

You should have said you can see he's mixed up and that you're not sure if it's a good idea to date someone who's confused. That you'd give him some space. Then you should have found someone who wasn't emotionally sensitive from a recent divorce or relationship. You're worth more than that.

[mikejonesmj]

Doing things before time always make us feel regret. But, if you really want to get yourself back from you old memories then you should try meditations. Start meditating daily for 20-40 minutes. This really helps you a lot . Another thing you can do is that Start spending max time with your friends to keep yourself busy and divert your mind from him.

[Jenn2]

I would first breathe and don't blame yourself. We tend to follow our hearts and that's what you did. If we bug guys we are needy. If we don't bug guys they think we aren't intersted? There's no win here. I tend to not push guys and don't text so then they don't think I am interested. You texted him and told him how you felt and that's all you can do! Know in your heart that you did everything that you could do and it didn't work out. God has another plan for you. Your not "nasty" for sleeping with him. There was a connection so you acted upon it. There is nothing wrong with that! As women we are human and want sex too! He might text you in the future so don't be surprised. I wouldn't answer id just move on. You don't want to deal with his baggage anyways! I know it's hard but surround yourself with loved ones and do things that make you happy! Each day will get better.

[JustMizz]

I would first breathe and don't blame yourself. We tend to follow our hearts and that's what you did. If we bug guys we are needy. If we don't bug guys they think we aren't intersted? There's no win here. I tend to not push guys and don't text so then they don't think I am interested. You texted him and told him how you felt and that's all you can do! Know in your heart that you did everything that you could do and it didn't work out. God has another plan for you. Your not "nasty" for sleeping with him. There was a connection so you acted upon it. There is nothing wrong with that! As women we are human and want sex too! He might text you in the future so don't be surprised. I wouldn't answer id just move on. You don't want to deal with his baggage anyways! I know it's hard but surround yourself with loved ones and do things that make you happy! Each day will get better.

 

Thank you so much. I really appreciate your positive view on this. 😊