Was it rape?

[thornz]

You're blaming the victim. That's not ok.

 

It hasn't been established whether the OP is a victim or not. The OP themself wasn't sure what happened and said they were trying to "fill in the blanks". There is no way that you could secure a rape conviction with that lack of certainty and rightly so.

 

In ak38's opinion it was consensual so no it's not victim blaming to say don't get so drunk you will sleep with a random person behind your husbands back.

 

Personally I'm sat on the fence so far. I can't say one way or the other whether I think it was rape but certainly it is a bad situation for the OP to be in.

 

And yes! Where were your friends OP? Who would let their friend try and make their own way home in such a state? Not good friends certainly. That's why I ask if you were tested for date rape. You may have appeared fine at the point you left the club?

[thornz]

None of us are suggesting only women get raped, but the GUY perpetrated sex on her. If it was a woman forcing sex on a drunk guy than that is rape as well . But that's not what happened .

 

The OP has stated they don't remember how it started. So no we can't say that the man perpetrated sex. They remember (as best you can when you're intoxicated) that they were participating at one point and another point they remember trying to push him away (don't know if they were even having sex at this point) and at another point the OP told him no and he stopped what he was doing.

 

The OP also, to my knowledge, hasn't stated they are female but I guess that's inconsequential.

[thornz]

As am I. Many years ago.

 

I wasn't drunk but I did place myself in a situation I should not have, which I take full responsibility for.

 

I have since learned to never place myself in a situation like that again.

 

Ditto! Irresponsible behaviour gets you into situations you can avoid. I don't engage in the kind of behaviour I did when I was younger and lo and behold I don't get raped/sexually assaulted or otherwise in situations I don't feel comfortable in like back then.

 

Blaming myself (or anyone else) for my stupidity is not blaming myself for rape etc.

[mustlovedogs]

The OP has stated they don't remember how it started. So no we can't say that the man perpetrated sex. They remember (as best you can when you're intoxicated) that they were participating at one point and another point they remember trying to push him away (don't know if they were even having sex at this point) and at another point the OP told him no and he stopped what he was doing.

 

The OP also, to my knowledge, hasn't stated they are female but I guess that's inconsequential.

 

Your very post shows it was rape.

 

"As best as you can when you're intoxicated"

 

Drunk means no consent. No consent means rape.

[Seraphim]

Having had a lot of therapy where all manner of victim blaming was explained to me and after being exposed thousands of times to what it is and how good people and society are at it without even knowing they are doing it even family members I know EXACTLY what it is.

[valavoo]

I'm really glad to see that you guys understand consent on this forum.

[KantSleep]

It sounds traumatizing. It's good you are using your support systems and telling the professionals your story. I hope in the coming days and months you can find clarity (I am sure it is all very confusing) and can begin to heal. God bless.

[crazybaby]

It sounds traumatizing. It's good you are using your support systems and telling the professionals your story. I hope in the coming days and months you can find clarity (I am sure it is all very confusing) and can begin to heal. God bless.

 

Thank you.

[crazybaby]

I'm really glad to see that you guys understand consent on this forum.

 

Some do some don't.... Rape Crisis workers certainly do x

[Vicky89]

So if you drink too much and can't say no to me taking your wallet, it was consensual? I didn't steal your wallet?

 

 

What about if you were so drunk that you don't remember giving me your wallet? I asked and you gave it to me. Maybe I lied to you- offered to get you an uber or pizza or something and because you weren't with it, you handed me your wallet, and I took off with it...is that stealing?

 

 

Well, by that token I can drive drunk all I want to and if I end up killing someone it's not my fault because I wasn't with it enough to know what I was doing....

 

I think the bigger thing here is why someone is out in public getting that wasted to the point where they don't know which way is up and then walking around at night to go home by themselves in a taxicab ?

 

When you place yourself in dangerous situations things can happen, but refusing to acknowledge that you screwed up at all is not the way to go, she should change her going out late at bars and getting so drunk she can't remember a thing later, maybe take less shots, how is being that drunk fun anyways ?

 

Another analogy is, if I drive to a bad part of town, roll down the windows to my brand new car and leave it there, and come back and it's stolen, whose fault is that ? The person who robbed it, or me carelessly leaving it there for the picking in the first place ? Does someone have a right to harm you or to steal from you ? NO, they do not, BUT, we live in a world where people don't play by the rules and things happen, and unless you live under a rock you would know this, so protect yourself always.

 

Let's not forget this guy could have been drunk himself, so not all with it either, I mean, sounds like she's just looking for someone to blame because she doesn't want to come to terms with partying, getting drunk and cheating on her husband.

[Seraphim]

Well, by that token I can drive drunk all I want to and if I end up killing someone it's not my fault because I wasn't with it enough to know what I was doing....

 

I think the bigger thing here is why someone is out in public getting that wasted to the point where they don't know which way is up and then walking around at night to go home by themselves in a taxicab ?

 

When you place yourself in dangerous situations things can happen, but refusing to acknowledge that you screwed up at all is not the way to go, she should change her going out late at bars and getting so drunk she can't remember a thing later, maybe take less shots, how is being that drunk fun anyways ?

 

Another analogy is, if I drive to a bad part of town, roll down the windows to my brand new car and leave it there, and come back and it's stolen, whose fault is that ? The person who robbed it, or me carelessly leaving it there for the picking in the first place ? Does someone have a right to harm you or to steal from you ? NO, they do not, BUT, we live in a world where people don't play by the rules and things happen, and unless you live under a rock you would know this, so protect yourself always.

 

Let's not forget this guy could have been drunk himself, so not all with it either, I mean, sounds like she's just looking for someone to blame because she doesn't want to come to terms with partying, getting drunk and cheating on her husband.

Well , no you can't drive around drunk because that's against the law being drunk is not against the law . And the price for having some drinks is not being raped . The person responsible for a crime is always the criminal . Not the victim .

[faraday]

Well, by that token I can drive drunk all I want to and if I end up killing someone it's not my fault because I wasn't with it enough to know what I was doing....

 

I think the bigger thing here is why someone is out in public getting that wasted to the point where they don't know which way is up and then walking around at night to go home by themselves in a taxicab ?

 

When you place yourself in dangerous situations things can happen, but refusing to acknowledge that you screwed up at all is not the way to go, she should change her going out late at bars and getting so drunk she can't remember a thing later, maybe take less shots, how is being that drunk fun anyways ?

 

Another analogy is, if I drive to a bad part of town, roll down the windows to my brand new car and leave it there, and come back and it's stolen, whose fault is that ? The person who robbed it, or me carelessly leaving it there for the picking in the first place ? Does someone have a right to harm you or to steal from you ? NO, they do not, BUT, we live in a world where people don't play by the rules and things happen, and unless you live under a rock you would know this, so protect yourself always.

 

Let's not forget this guy could have been drunk himself, so not all with it either, I mean, sounds like she's just looking for someone to blame because she doesn't want to come to terms with partying, getting drunk and cheating on her husband.

 

So...if you get drunk, it's your own fault you got raped. Got it. What else makes it a woman's fault? Tank tops? Sl*tty make up? Oh, I know! Short skirts and high heels! Am I right? They shouldn't be dressing like that or they're totally asking it for it. What if she was smiling and talking to the man the raped her before it happened- was she asking for it? Can wives be raped by their husbands, or once you're married is it all fair game whether you're up for it or not?

 

What women aren't asking for it? When sisters get raped by brothers? Maybe little girls by adults?

 

Or...maybe people need to keep their penises to themselves unless their invited in?

 

The only person that can stop a rape from happening is the person about to commit it.

 

I get sooo sick of hearing victim blaming. This is an anonymous forum. Do you really think a woman is coming on here lying about things to get us, a bunch of strangers who can't help her in real life, to side with her? What's the point of that?

 

Btw, if you park your brand new nice car in a hood and it gets stolen...of course it was the fault of the person that stole the car! They shouldn't be stealing! Jeebus. People need to take responsibility for their actions. If you steal a car, you stole it. If you put your penis in someone that didn't want your penis in them, that's rape.

[Seraphim]

So...if you get drunk, it's your own fault you got raped. Got it. What else makes it a woman's fault? Tank tops? Sl*tty make up? Oh, I know! Short skirts and high heels! Am I right? They shouldn't be dressing like that or they're totally asking it for it. What if she was smiling and talking to the man the raped her before it happened- was she asking for it? Can wives be raped by their husbands, or once you're married is it all fair game whether you're up for it or not?

 

What women aren't asking for it? When sisters get raped by brothers? Maybe little girls by adults?

 

Or...maybe people need to keep their penises to themselves unless their invited in?

 

The only person that can stop a rape from happening is the person about to commit it.

 

I get sooo sick of hearing victim blaming. This is an anonymous forum. Do you really think a woman is coming on here lying about things to get us, a bunch of strangers who can't help her in real life, to side with her? What's the point of that?

 

Btw, if you park your brand new nice car in a hood and it gets stolen...of course it was the fault of the person that stole the car! They shouldn't be stealing! Jeebus. People need to take responsibility for their actions. If you steal a car, you stole it. If you put your penis in someone that didn't want your penis in them, that's rape.

Amen sister!

[Vicky89]

So...if you get drunk, it's your own fault you got raped. Got it. What else makes it a woman's fault? Tank tops? Sl*tty make up? Oh, I know! Short skirts and high heels! Am I right? They shouldn't be dressing like that or they're totally asking it for it. What if she was smiling and talking to the man the raped her before it happened- was she asking for it? Can wives be raped by their husbands, or once you're married is it all fair game whether you're up for it or not?

 

What women aren't asking for it? When sisters get raped by brothers? Maybe little girls by adults?

 

Or...maybe people need to keep their penises to themselves unless their invited in?

 

The only person that can stop a rape from happening is the person about to commit it.

 

I get sooo sick of hearing victim blaming. This is an anonymous forum. Do you really think a woman is coming on here lying about things to get us, a bunch of strangers who can't help her in real life, to side with her? What's the point of that?

 

Btw, if you park your brand new nice car in a hood and it gets stolen...of course it was the fault of the person that stole the car! They shouldn't be stealing! Jeebus. People need to take responsibility for their actions. If you steal a car, you stole it. If you put your penis in someone that didn't want your penis in them, that's rape.

 

Maybe you missed where I said :

Does someone have a right to harm you or to steal from you ? NO, they do not, BUT, we live in a world where people don't play by the rules and things happen, and unless you live under a rock you would know this, so protect yourself always

 

Just because someone does not have the right to do something to you, doesn't mean they won't do it if the opportunity comes, which is why you shouldn't be out getting so extremely intoxicated in public, that something like this happens to you and have no control. She should look at the steps she can take to protect herself not just blaming the other person and continuing to get wasted at bars.

 

Oh and by the way, those cases of incest rape and cases where the woman actually gets beat up by some guy and violated, those ARE for sure rape cases.

[Seraphim]

You don't understand the definition of rape.

[faraday]

Yeah...sorry Vicky, you don't get it.

 

Yes, I agree that we do have to protect ourselves because there are jerks that take advantage when they can...but that doesn't make it the victims fault. Telling her "you shouldn't have drank so much" IS blaming her. It's wrong. You're wrong.

[JaggerJim]

I don't think it's rape if the guy does not remember or if he thinks it was consensual sex. It's both each other's words against each other's.

[Seraphim]

I don't think it's rape if the guy does not remember or if he thinks it was consensual sex. It's both each other's words against each other's.

 

You don't think it's rape if the guy THINKS it is consensual ??? What??? That makes no sense and that makes it entirely subjective. Rape is not subjective it has a legal definition.

[Seraphim]

So if buddy is wasted and thinks it's consensual to have sex with a 5 year old and he doesn't remember this is not rape? Huh? Because it's OK because he's wasted doesn't remember and he thinks it was consensual .

[JaggerJim]

We are all aware of the monsters out there...we all know alcohol inhibits us. It doesn't sound like rape to me. It sounds like a bad decision fueled by alcohol. No one puts liquor in my system except me and it seems like a regretted decision. The guy stopped once when he was asked. Maybe he doesn't remember much too...there are two parts to this and rape is a very serious accusation. It honestly doesn't sound like it to me.

 

I totally agree!

[mustlovedogs]

^ you say some pretty awful stuff.

 

Memory does not relate to consent. Asking to stop means there is no consent. You're wrong, and it's silly you're arguing.

[Seraphim]

Thank sh.. for legal definitions and advocacy groups and rape counsellors who know what is what.

[JaggerJim]

^ you say some pretty awful stuff.

 

Memory does not relate to consent. Asking to stop means there is no consent. You're wrong, and it's silly you're arguing.

 

What happens if he did not remember? Was he raped too?

[Seraphim]

What happens if he did not remember? Was he raped too?

 

He perpetrated the sex so no. If it had been the other way around then yes. However him not remembering doesn't give him a free pass .

[mustlovedogs]

Ah yes, then bachelorette parties are designed to cheat. You're right.