Ex,New Boyfriend-Abortion. Ex my new flex; HELP!!!

[promiseland]

I was living with my ex who was a wonderful man to me and my daughter who's not his but we argued a lot. Sex was scheduled with him, he had no spontaneity, saw me only in the domestic capacity, told the in-laws about personal issues we faced. When arguments ensued he would remind me off all that he had done for me. He was never emotionally available and would often sneak around on the phone. I felt like I was drowning. I loved him more than he loved me. He admitted this afterwards.

Then, I met someone. He at first was all that I was looking for and things got pretty heated quickly because he was not only stimulating me mentally which is a major turn on for me but he was fulfilling most of my sexual fantasies. But somehow in comparison I still missed the stability I had with my ex. Plus, my daughter who loved him dearly began to miss him too. I started to put the sex aside and started to look on reality and realized I was not easy to be with at times and missed the life I had before.

With the new guy, I felt out of place and unstable. He was rough in bed and I started to miss my ex more.

One day my ex called saying he dreamt about me and that I was crying in the dream saying that I needed help. This brought tears to my eyes over the phone even though I would never admit it when he asked why I was so silent on the phone. Eventually, I would visit him and he told me how much he missed us as a family. Before I could decide who to be with, I found out I was pregnant. I told my new boyfriend and he was so excited and happy. I too felt the same but had mixed emotions on the inside.

I saw this as a sign to never get back with my ex, so I told him we couldn't be together.

Weeks later, my new boyfriend started showing a different side to him -

immature, boastful, not a stable provider, disrespectful etc. Then I started to realize how I would suffer with this child if I were to lose my job and how difficult it would be at his age of 23 &me being 29, to cope. I quickly saw the future flash before me -

suffering and having a rough life and it scared me. Even though he was running his own business at such a young age and making his own money legitimately. My own independence showed me otherwise.

The day after seeing my Gynaecologist and he confirmed I was pregnant, I scheduled an abortion. I went, did it and said nothing to him.

Shortly after, I went back to my ex, after we both decided that we had made a mistake in separating in the first place.

Now when he texts to ask about the baby since I no longer answers his calls, I feel guilty. I felt like I had to be honest, so I texted him, letting him know I had chosen to end the relationship but I wasn't honest enough to tell him about the abortion. Then he said he had told all his family I would be having his child but would understand my decisions to end the relationship.

It broke my heart even further creating a reluctance to tell him the full truth. I love him, just not in love with him. And at 29, I now what stability and security in a relationship with a provider means plus I want to get married which a 23 year old isn't ready for.

 

Now, should I pretend it was a miscarriage or should I ignore him, hoping he'll just move on one day?

[j.man]

Now, should I pretend it was a miscarriage or should I ignore him, hoping he'll just move on one day?

Look, I'm all for a woman's right to choose and I'd have it no other way. But while I'm not saying a guy should necessarily be legally entitled to know, I do think the barebones decent human being thing to do would be to tell the expecting father that the baby ain't happening. Lie and call it a miscarriage if you want, but to put it off or, worse, simply not say anything is incredibly callous.

 

Kinda troubling this is even a question.

[HeartGoesOn]

You're not dealing him a fair hand by holding back the truth, (imo).

 

Also, keep in mind that a liar has to have a good memory in order to succeed.

[Seraphim]

The truth.

[journeynow]

...Before I could decide who to be with, I found out I was pregnant....I saw this as a sign to never get back with my ex,

 

I'd say it's clearly a sign that you need better birth control.

 

...I quickly saw the future flash before me - suffering and having a rough life

 

This ability to imagine the future, why not use it to help make well thought-out decisions? Like before having sex with someone, imagine the risk of pregnancy, what you are doing to avoid it, and what you would do if it would happen, are you sure you are choosing someone you know well and trust in that department? And again, before going through with ending the pregnancy, think through how you expect to share the news with the expectant father.

 

I know these are not the questions you asked, and you have a more pressing one, how to tell the guy, but these questions are for you to take with you into your future. The goal is to be able to know and trust yourself, to be self-reliant, and to have self-respect. That will then affect how you parent, do relationships, etc.

[melancholy123]

You need to tell that guy that you are no longer pregnant. If he's under the belief a baby is coming, well that's one cruel nasty thing you are doing to him and for no good reason. You can lie and say you had a miscarriage if you must, but holy cow tell him you are no longer pregnant. Then read up on reliable birth control.

[Capricorn3]

Now, should I pretend it was a miscarriage or should I ignore him, hoping he'll just move on one day?

What a dreadful thing to do (imo). You owe the guy the truth that you are no longer pregnant at the very least. It all comes down to respect and self-respect. Making up stories about having a miscarriage .... well, karma will eventually come back and bite you.

[promiseland]

I did mention my decision to have an abortion to him before I did it. But it made no difference. The only reason why I didn't tell him when I did it was because he said he would hate me if I did an abortion. So judge me "Kingdom of Saints" on this feed but I was going through a rough time and my emotions overcame my thinking to incorporate birth control those times. I was inconsistent. I accept my decisions but he chose to still ignore my choices.

[mustlovedogs]

So you're still not going to tell him?

[shessofly]

Tell the man his baby is no longer coming in what ever form you can muster up the courage to do so. So what if he hates you? The fling is over anyway. 'shall I just ignore him hoping he will move on some day'....wth?!

[Jinsky]

Please tell him in whatever form, no matter how hard it may be.

The thought of someone in a limbo regarding their child is too heartbreaking. As a mother I am sure you can at least sympathize with that.

[Wolfshook]

So....much....drama....

 

Do you enjoy in this?

 

Did you ever try and take time off from dating and instead focus on yourself and your kid?