Trust Issues

[ndemars]

Please excuse the length of this post, but my story is rather long. My boyfriend and I have been together for a year, and have lived together for the past 9 months. Last September, early in the morning he got a call on his cell phone. I'm not sure why, but I was suspicious, and I checked his call log. There were several messages to/from one number saying things like "I miss you", and "I love you". I confronted him, and at first he denied anything until I told him how I had found out. He got very angry at me for snooping, and finally admitted he had been communicating and occasionally seeing (supposedly not having sex) with a woman he had met just before he met me. He said he it was over, they were just friends, and he was going to tell me, but couldn't find the right time.

 

We worked through it, but I continued to see her number on our cell phone bill; at one point he was calling her almost every day. He told me she was very fragile and had low self esteem, and he was the only person she could talk to. He told me he would quit talking to her so much, and I didn't find any more calls on our bill, but he has multiple work cell phones so I could never be completely sure he wasn't contacting her in other ways.

 

About a month ago I found out that he has been in contact with her, and that she had been responsible for getting him a coaching job at her school. He said they would just see each other in the hall at school, and that he didn't feel it was right to ignore her, since she was responsible for getting him the job.

 

It bothers me, but he seems sincere, and up until last week I thought things were going well with us. I'll admit, I still have some major trust issues, and last week he left one of his work cell phones at home. Early in the morning the phone rang with an area code I didn't know, and I was concerned it might be someone wanting to get in touch with him about his aunt who recently had a stroke. So I jotted down the number and I IM'd it to him. He told me that number was from a friend of his named Louie.

 

A couple of days later, that number appeared on his cell phone again, this time with a voicemail. I did an awful thing and I listened to the voicemail (for some reason he didn't have it password protected), and it turns out it was from a woman (NOT the same woman who got him the coaching job) saying she was hoping to get a hold of him so they could chat. I didn't say anything to him because I don't want him to know I listened to his voicemail, but a couple of days ago the number appeared on his phone again.

 

So this morning I called the number and a woman answered, I asked to speak to Louie (just in case my suspicions were unfounded and the number really was for his friend Louie), and she said I must have the wrong number. I IM'd my boyfriend (it's difficult for either of us to talk at work) and asked him why he lied to me (I didn't tell him I heard the voicemail, I just told him I had called the number and asked for Louie and a woman had answered). He acted like he didn't know who's number it was, and he got very angry at me for "snooping" and for calling a number off his cell phone. He said we'll talk more about it tonight when he gets home.

 

My problem is that I feel very ashamed for listening to that voicemail, and I'm afraid that I'll eventually have to tell him I violated his trust by listening to his private message. But I also feel violated by the times he broke my trust, especially after I caught him in this latest lie. I'm confused, ashamed at my behavior, and not sure what to do.

[lady00]

I would have trust issues if I were you. Your bf has lied to you in the past. He has no right to get angry about not being trusted. His excuses about talking to the woman because she has low self esteem are absolutely bogus. If someone has low self esteem they should talk to a therapist not someone else's boyfriend who they are also professing their love to...and now he lied again. Why would he lie about who was calling this time if it were innocent. If he wasn't trying to hide something, he would not have said that it was his friend louie, he would have said that it was a woman named whatever her name is. He's lying about her for a reason. Don't let him try to make you feel bad for snooping...he's got a lot more to answer for. Just my 2 cents.

[Krystyl]

Okay....he's the one who is lying.....and YOU feel ashamed???

 

I think he was full of bologna when he said the woman at the school was "fragile, has low self-esteem, and nobody else to talk to". That is a crock, if I've ever heard one. And no adult woman gets on the phone and leaves messages of "I love you" if they are not sleeping with him. Okay...maybe a few might...but your odds are less than 1 out of 10.

 

Sorry....but I think he is a liar and a cheater. And instead of him trying to change his ways....he gets mad at you when you find out about his lies. Him pointing the finger at you is his way of trying to get the finger stopped being pointed at him. Don't let him bamboozle you anymore.

 

I would have kicked him to curb a long time ago. I couldn't put up with it.

 

If you can't trust him....leave. With no trust...you don't have anything.

[ndemars]

Thank you so much for your reply! It really helps to have someone confirm what I've been thinking. I feel so alone in this (I haven't even told my best friend), and so I begin to question myself. When he gets angry with me I end up feeling guilty for my behavior, and like I'm crazy for not trusting him.

[RayKay]

While I can't condone snooping - I think you had justifiable reasons to be suspicious of his behaviour (hiding things from you, lying, and so on) and obviously your snooping did show that he is still not being honest about his behaviour.

 

Don't let him skirt the issue or turn it around again so you are to blame for snooping - in other words, don't take the blame for the situation he has created. Yes snooping is wrong, but as I said in this case, he does have something to hide and he knows it. My guess is he is at the very least emotionally cheating or meeting/talking to women either from real life or online and leading them on. As for the women at his school - I call B.S. on his excuses, I think he likes the attention and having another woman smitten with him, even if maybe there was "nothing" going on he was not being fully committed to you and I don't tell just friends I miss them and love them and all that.

 

He does have a lot to answer for - I just am not sure he will answer honestly. You will have to be the judge of that, but I would seriously evaluate your relationship with him and whether its right for you given this is not the first time he has hidden things like this from you.

[DN]

I don't condone snooping either, but when someone has proven untrustowrthy in the opast how else can you proceed, and these days it is vital to ensure you are not at risk from STDs etc.

 

I ahree with RayKay that you should not let this divert you from the issue that is more important - if you can trust him. Trust is the cement that binds a relationship, without it the relationship will fail sooner or later.

[hazlcha]

I think you know deep down whether you can really trust him. Your account of his "stories" speaks for itself. As difficult as it is to face a cheating love, the facts are the facts. No one deserves to be treated that way. You owe it to yourself to demand your rights in a relationship. My reaction is to say that even if he's technically innocent, he's emotionally guilty of abusing your trust and having the gall to blame you for snooping!

 

You know what you need to do. You deserve a man of your own.

[Iceman26]

Wow, let this guy go! The only reason he would have to be angry is that he is frustrated that he got caught.

 

Dont buy his bs excuses, dep down you know what he is doing, go with your gut on this one and dump this guy, my god what he is doing is so obvious it is sickening.

 

Good luck to you in the future.

[ndemars]

Thanks to everyone for all of your support; you're just confirming what I know deep down. I'm dreading this evening's "discussion", because these things invariably turn into a fight. But thanks to all of your responses, I think it will be easier for me to stay focused and calm. You all have helped me more than you know

[happyphantom]

Yes, snooping is not right, but there's an even bigger mistake than snooping -- and that is not taking the information you learned, and doing what is best for you.

 

After you found out he had lied to you, you should have left him.

 

There's no point in staying with someone you cannot trust. Be true to yourself.

[mommie2be]

Keep on snooping. You know they say things happen for a reason. Keep snooping. Tell him there are no secrets in this relaltionship. So he wants to play the I don't know or you are tripping game. OK fine. have one of your girlfriends blow your phone up one day when you guys are out. Have the phone ring and you look around as if the person on the phone is around, then ask can you call them back in a little bit. Then have your friend call you again about 30 min later and look at the phone and say HMMM who is that. Oh he wants to play. Two can play that game. No you probably don't want to play the game but guess what you have to give him what he is giving you to see if he likes it. Then Come up with this guy is gave you the hook up on this and that see if he likes that. If it doesn't bother him. He is not really into you at all. If he gets jealous let him know you're not doing anything, what's the big deal he has female friends RIGHT> (smile). Handle your business and don't let him think he has you wrapped around his fingers. the same way you got him you can get another one.

[Hope75]

If you feel that you need to snoop then obviously the trust is not there, and with this guy I think the only logical decision is to get him out of your life. Living in a relationship with someone you don't trust is a miserable experience, and it turns you into a snoop, and that doesn't feel to good, does it?

 

This guy has proved he can't be trusted, why waste your time?

 

Hopefully you can end this relationship and move on with your life.

 

Good luck!